Dear Zaza - I am married to a straight cisguy and have only dated cisguys. (I am a cis girl.) But I'm not straight. I am not out; I tried, and my family got uncomfortable, so I chickened out. My husband accepts my queerness, but doesn't really "get" it. I have queer friends, but I'm not fully out to them either. I went to Pride last year, and I felt so out of place. Every time I pick up an "ally" button rather than a "I'm bi" button or similar, I feel wrong. How can I be comfortable in myself?
being Bi/Pan/Queer/Not straight/ etc... comes w/ some struggles (for the sake of brevity i’ll use Bi to sum all those IDs up) a major one- is invisibility, both in the media and in real life.
another is assumptions. there’s nothing we can do about what other ppl assume about us, but we can decide how we view ourselves. all of our control starts and ends w/ ourselves. so, it’s great tht you recognise your issue is finding comfort w/ your orientation.
this is v common for us Bi folx and a lot of the self-doubt of Bi identities comes from our shitty heteronormative society. they either ignore our existence, say we’re just slutty, tht we’re faking it for attention, or are confused. ugh! such B.S.
my fav Bi analogy is the werewolf. if you’re a werewolf, then you’re always a werewolf. when you look like a human-you’re still a werewolf. when you look like a wolf- you’re still a werewolf.
so too for Bi folx. meaning the person you date has no effect on your orientation/label. the only thing tht does is the gender(s) you’re attracted to. just like the skin choice of a werewolf doesn’t change what they are- they’re always a werewolf. so, no matter if you’re in a het or same-gender relationship, you can still ID as Bi.
the other good news is tht according to recent science, more ppl are ‘not straight’ than are willing to admit it. partly due to our shite society, partly to gender inequality, and partly to the fact tht ppl think once you get into a relationship, from then on you’re only attracted to ppl the same gender as your current partner. ridic!
so bottom line, you’re here, you’re queer, get used to it. 😜
as for my suggestions; open up to your queer pals and let them help you find your pride. the more you talk about it, the easier it will become. remember tht all of us LGBT+ folx have to come out literally hundreds and thousands of times in our lives, but it does get easier with practice.
if you can, join Bi accepting events, orgs, and activities outside of formal Pride celebrations. even if it’s only online, you’ll find strength in numbers as there’s lots of other ppl in your same situation. keep reaching out, and work on your self-esteem. cuz you’re worth all the love, dove.
