Aug 3
Frank Castle be careful I'm so serious being Peter Parkers parental figure is a dangerous job
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Frank Castle be careful I'm so serious being Peter Parkers parental figure is a dangerous job
I know their relationship isn't quite exactly that, but I'm now worried for Frank lol, cause the Parker Luck is 6 for 6 when it comes to the systematic painful killing off of Peter's parents, guardians and mentor figures. Even Bruce only got exposed to about twenty minutes of the teacher version of it and got shipped off to a psychiatric ward a day later! Frank had better watch out in Secret Wars or whatever the next project they're both in is
Web of Spider-Man #28 (1987) Peter Parker, The Spectacular Spider-Man #38 (1979)
Peter Parker’s Perspective: Joker’s Big Mistake
Peter sighed as he dangled from the ropes tied around his wrists, feet barely touching the ground. His Spider-Sense had been buzzing the entire time, but it wasn’t like he could do much about it. The moment he’d stepped out of the library while Aunt May was finishing up her work at the library, some creepy clown goons had grabbed him off the street.
And because he had Parker Luck, of course it was The Joker who’d taken him.
He stared at the clown in front of him, barely listening as the guy rambled about how much fun they were going to have. There were playing cards scattered around, knives on the table, and a group of henchmen standing awkwardly in the corner—probably because they knew this was a very bad idea.
Peter, on the other hand, wasn’t scared.
He was annoyed.
Because, honestly?
Joker had no idea what was coming.
Peter sighed dramatically. “Look, I’m gonna be real with you, Mr. Joker sir, you should let me go. Like, right now.”
Joker cackled, stepping closer. “Oh, really? And why would I do that, kiddo?”
Peter tilted his head. “Because my aunt’s coming.”
Joker blinked. “Your aunt?” He threw his head back in laughter, slapping his knee. “That’s adorable! What, she gonna bake me cookies?”
One of the goons near the door shifted uncomfortably. Peter didn’t miss it. See? At least one of these guys has survival instincts.
Peter sighed again, shaking his head. “Look, man. I tried to warn you. You don’t mess with Aunt May.”
Joker leaned in close, grinning wide. “Oh, but I love a good family reunion. Maybe I should keep you around, huh? Make her beg for her precious little boy back?”
A loud CRASH echoed through the warehouse.
Peter smiled.
“Ohhh, buddy,” he muttered, almost feeling bad for him. “It’s too late now.”
The door to the warehouse slammed open, nearly flying off its hinges. A metal baseball bat clattered to the floor, and standing in the doorway—breathing heavily, eyes burning with rage—was Aunt May.
But not just any Aunt May.
This was Angry Mom Mode Aunt May. The one who made Tony Stark apologize for keeping Peter out late. The one who, despite being de-aged, still had all the unfiltered rage of a mother bear protecting her cub.
Joker took a step back. “And who the hell are y—”
CRACK.
The baseball bat slammed into his ribs, sending him crumpling to the ground with a wheezing laugh.
The goons—who had been watching this all unfold—went completely still.
Peter just shook his head, watching as May grabbed Joker by the collar and decked him across the face.
He sighed again. “I told you.”
Joker groaned, trying to crawl away. May kicked him in the stomach, sending him rolling over.
One of the goons cleared his throat. “Uh… do we… do we help or…?”
The others immediately shook their heads.
“Hell no.”
“Dude, she’s not even hesitating.”
“She’s using a bat on the Joker, bro. Do you want to die?”
Meanwhile, May grabbed the bat again and swung, knocking Joker flat on his back. She was fuming. “YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST TAKE MY NEPHEW?!” CRACK. “YOU THINK I WON’T FIND YOU?!” CRACK. “I HAVE BEEN THROUGH TOO MUCH BULLSHIT TO DEAL WITH THIS RIGHT NOW, YOU PSYCHOTIC CLOWN!” CRACK.
Peter just sat there, still tied to the chair, waiting for her to finish.
Finally, May dropped the bat, took a deep breath, and turned to him. “Sweetheart, you okay?”
“Yeah,” Peter said, nodding toward Joker, who was groaning in pain. “I did try to warn him.”
May huffed, stepping over Joker’s unconscious body. “I know you did, honey.” She untied him and picked him up, settling him on her hip like he was a toddler. That’s when she saw the rope burn on his wrist.
Joker whimpered.
Before they left, May turned back and kicked him right between the legs.
Peter winced. “Oof. That one was for the rope burns, wasn’t it?”
May didn’t answer—just adjusted her grip on Peter and walked out like she hadn’t just traumatized half of Gotham’s criminal underworld.
Peter rested his head on her shoulder. “Can we get ice cream on the way home?”
May sighed. “Yeah, sweetheart. We’ll get ice cream.”
And with that, they left the warehouse, leaving behind a battered Joker and a room full of traumatized goons who would never mess with a mom on a mission again.
Masterlist
If Parker Luck is as bad as it appears, how much of Wayne Manor gets broken when Dick, Peter, and Babs are all at the Manor at the same time?
tom holland radiates (ha.) so much peter parker energy that he inherits his parker luck and winds up in the hospital with a concussion
I know it’s a running joke that Peter Parker’s worst enemy is school sponsored field trips but someone at Midtown High really needs to look into whatever the fuck this kid has going on.
How has the PTO of this rich science school not gotten involved yet?
You can’t tell me there aren’t conspiracy boards and Reddit threads of people linking him to every major accident that’s happened in the past few years.
That scene where he try’s to shoot the killer robots with a toy gantlet at the Stark Expo was probably a class trip back in elementary school gone wrong.
He went on a field trip freshman year of high school to Oscorp and gets bitten by a radioactive genetically modified spider that gives him superpowers.
He goes on an internship with Tony Stark himself and comes back with a black eye after fighting four diffrent avengers and getting a bridge dropped on him.
He gets invited to a party that his aunt drops him off at and ends up being dragged behind a car for several minutes, shot at by weapon dealers and borderline drowned in a river
He goes to homecoming and ends up leaving his date to go chase down her super villain dad, crash his bully’s car, get a warehouse dropped on him and crash a plane with his bare hands from the outside mid air.
He went on a field trip/club event for academic decathlon which resulted in him breaking into and escaping a maximum security warehouse accidentally.
The same day his class also went up onto a national monument and the whole thing started to break apart and collapse almost killing all of them. Peter has to do a flip over a helicopter and hold it together.
The next year he’s on a field trip to a museum and somehow in a matter of minutes he goes from sitting on a school bus, to fighting aliens with iron man, to literally dying, to coming back to life so he can fight in an interglacial war.
He went on a trip to Europe over the summer and managed to get lost, hit by a train, accused of being a call boy, involved in several villain fights, put into jail, semi-kidnapped by a skrull, and outed as Spider-Man.
There’s an actual car advertisement somewhere on the web of Peter trying to get his drivers license and simultaneously fighting crime as he’s taking the test.
You can not take this kid anywhere.
Forget no fly lists. He needs to be banned from out of school events and extracurricular activities in general.
Permission slips need one of those I am not a robot buttons but for Peter Parker specifically.
Like at this point it’s not even a joke, classmates probably call their parents to pick them up whenever they realize they have to go somewhere with Peter Parker. Alarms go off in Midtown High and everyone in the class slowly turns to Peter so they can see what’s going on. Peter at this point in time is typically already sneaking out of a window or army crawling to the door as if the entire class isn’t looking directly at him.
“3 out of 5 NYC school sponsored trips result in serious bodily injury and vigilante sightings ” is a statistical error. Average field trips have 0 vigilante sightings nor instances of extreme bodily injury. Spider-Man and Peter Parker’s unsolved correlation is an outlier that needs further research.
GGUYS. IM PROBABLY NOT GREAT RHIGHT NOW BECAUS. I JIT MY HEAD REALLY HARD AND I SEE BLURRY. BUT. I JUSG AHD A TJOUGT.