#pdid vent

[the-complicity-system]

I have to be honest about why we've been so M.I.A.

Our symptoms are worse

We've become more..overt?

As a PDID system we do not switch, we co front, we co con, we even blend sometimes

Last night I had the WORST blend after MONTHS

THREE times

And I feel like Im losing myself

You have to understand while this may be common for a DID or OSDD system I am freaking the fuck out

So badly one hung up the phone call we were on with our friends

Because he actively HATES them

Everyone

So front that I was simply passive influence

I am...

I am struggling right now

I'm host. I can't leave

But fuck I hurt

My body is wrong

My words aren't mine

I'm blending and bluring and I WISH I could switch

I want to leave

I want something to happen for someone to be the host instead but I know

I know

I will miss people

I will be made go dormant

I will lose here

PDID is its own unique struggle

Fuck..

Anyone

Who said it's ACTUALLY "partial"

Lesser

Easier

Fuck you

THIS FUCKING SUCKS

Its like being a singlet and actively losing your body

I can't just be an alter among others- I'm not USED to this

My consciousness is CONSTANTLY being pulled apart and blended into dust

I'm in PAIN and I can't even leave front

7 years

I want to leave

I can't

[therabidgraveyard]

Pdid imposter syndrome for us specifically is so strong. Idk when they cofront, if they even do at all, (besides that one recently) theyre really ONLY co-con. I dont know. It gives me SO much self doubt, the fact that our conversations arent that deep, that they only seem to talk when i think abt them, the lack of influence lately, what if im just delusional, what if theyre not real and im imagining them. What if them "cofronting" is just a placebo. We dont even switch under "extreme stress" like some pdid sys describe i dont think. Wut do i even do 😭😭😭 is this normal??

[chemicalcarousel]

We have opened up a lot about our plurality with our best friend whom we thought we'd never be able to come out to about this. It's really freeing because their reaction isn't negative or questioning if we or our therapist is correct in what we think is going on. Now we are just nervous that we have been sharing too much and it's overwhelming. No heavy or triggering topic, just about how confusing and scary it all is, but maybe our struggles are too much for them?? Idk we have the kind of friendship where we can both share a lot of mental health issues and our depression ect. But we've always been told never to share about our struggles with others or it is abusive and will scare everyone away because we are "too much" or "scary and weird for being mentally ill". Our judgement of what is or isn't "too much" or "weird" is bad, since we grew up thinking these things were the norm. So accidentally sharing trauma when it wasn't appropriate has been a real issue. Idk man

We are dissociating a lot lately compared to our normal levels, so also we literally can't remember shit, like what we sat down to really rant about. Our working memory 8s already bad, but lately we don't remember shit. Doesn't even seem to be amnesia between parts, just everyone forgetting everything. Or maybe the worst communication ever hhhhh who knows man who fucking knows

I will end this here because this ended up as a rant and I dont think we intended that. That's how we kinda roll lol

Happy new year idk if we've said that yet on this blog. Let's all do our best to survive, one day at a time <3