Something that altered my heart, confidence, and brain chemistry as an adult was becoming the bully for a very short while to a single person and quite without intending to.
It happened sometime around early college (prior to my slow descent into a mental breakdown). Longing for a chance to relive the dumb fun and comradery of the Otakuboards back in the day (when it was a digi-centric space that my child self joined to have her fakemon drawn by one of the site's artists as a reward for reaching a 500 post count on the boards), I joined a new forum because at the time, Digimon was airing Savers/Data Squad, and I wanted somewhere to hang and gush about Digimon Tamers in addition to the new show. Right away, I found a lot of positive nerd energy and felt that my space and a new home had been found! It was great to find friends into Digimon as much as myself, and being there really inspired me to come out of my shell a lot because everyone there did their own thing...which inspired me to do my own thing too because I really wanted to be apart of the team and my new home.
It was...awesome. We reviewed the show, past and present, discussed dub differences (with one person in particular hating the dub like a true purist, one who most of use just let be because to each their own), had competitions, made art, wrote and shared fanfiction, spitballed fan ideas for other original projects, and just shared and discussed whatever in the general boards section. I had a group of friends who all loved Myotismon and bonded over that love and other dark (probably slightly gothic) digimon entities. Our board even had an IRC channel for chatting and scripted chatting or just AOL and Messenger for more specific chatting about life and fun nothings. It was a blast and one of the best times of my life...our life.
But. Then one day, a new member came, and they...didn't like the way certain things were done or run on the boards, particularly how a certain game was run on the forums (one where people voted for a forum member by name, and the winner would have a selection of their most memorable posts displayed as the trophy). It was a dumb, stupid game no one put much thought into because, for us, it really was not that serious. But! To our new member, it was a problem that a certain, dub hating individual never won the nomination. Thus, began their conquest of change.
In any event, the person was not liked because it was not only the game they complained about... (not that game...but if we are keeping with the time period, you just lost). Me being me, I tried to stay out of it because on one hand, I understood the feeling that certain voices seemed restricted in a space where a small, cliquish number kind of ran the show. However, on the other hand, I also understood that the forum was THEIR space; they had created and run the place long before younger members like us, and everyone was chill and had an understanding of each other without judgment (nothing public anyway) or harrassment (trolls not withstanding).
For whatever reason, however, this new member started to message me. Maybe I felt safe and comforting to them, an honor but very awkward because, overall, I did not like them being so pushy and felt like I was being pulled to help start mess with people I mostly respected. I, unfortunately, did not tell them this because it never crossed my mind that I should or could say "I am uncomfortable talking to you because it feels like you are making waves for no good reason". I thought I had to be kind and polite to a fault, so I very passive aggressively handled to situation because 1) I didn't want to hurt some strangers feelings and 2) I didn't want to be associated with a "troublemaker" over the friends I had worked so hard to be a part of. For me, it was like protecting my home from a sudden intruder making everyone unhappy.
It was dumb in hindsight, but I was not a socially smart person. (Can't claim that I am any better). I was an awkward nerd afraid of losing her peace. And, again, I really didn't want to be mean. Everyone had a right to find their way and make their place on the boards.
Soooo...naturally...things kind of escalated eventually.
The forum big wigs all decided to pitch in on the little board game to nominate the newcomer. Me seeing it as them hazing the newcomer for fun as a means to try and break the ice with them so that we could all get back to laughing, I joined in nominating them, not realizing for one second that it wasn't the fun, pranky kind of hazing but the cruel kind meant to embarrass a person and shut them up and out. They, of course, realized it and deleted their posts one by one so no one could make fun of their repetitive posts and complaints...but that did not stop our forum heads and....yeah.
The aftermath of the whole thing was one of our mods calling us out, the newcomer leaving, and me realizing how cruel we were all being to someone who was probably just super awkward and who knows what else. It made me feel extremely dumb for getting swept away so easily in the moment and being cruel with a thoughtless act never even intended to be cruel by me. I tried to apologize, but the damage was done. They did not really accept my apology or even understand what my part in it was. And it didn't really matter.
They were hurt, and I had, essentially, betrayed their trust by joining in collective bullying...and that left a mark on me emotionally because I HATED bullies (for the obvious reason) and had suddenly become one by being scared to "go against the group". And that...really messed with me.
Because one thing I prided myself on was "being myself," but in that one moment, I wasn't "me". I was "part of the crowd," and I hated it. I hated feeling controlled by something that was not me. I hated how easily the carelessness happened to the point that I started distancing and doubting myself and my space because what would happen to an awkward kid like me once I stopped meeting everyone's approval?
It did not help that my fanfiction was criticized badly after I mistakingly asked a commentor what they "thought of it so far" and got a block of text about everything wrong with my fic for an answer (not on the forums but on FFN). So, eventually, I left down the line because my home online stopped feeling like a home, and I just couldn't stay or let things go back to normal. I was scared of losing "me," so...I left to kind of sort out my anxiety and reclaim her. I also had crushes and struggles with the beginning of burnout in college to deal with, so it was just time.
Still, the experience stayed with me. I never joined another forum again, not with the same energy anyway. And even now, I refuse to get too wrapped up in obvious cliques in a fandom because I'm scared of becoming that person or being a part of another such dramatic moment. I never want to be that bully again... I'd much rather talk and be honest now, when and if doing so is an option, and if we can't like or get along with each other afterwards, we tried.
And...yeah. That's how a case of accidental bullying another left its mark. Just one of the many ways in which Digimon has guided me through life lessons.
