#peter needs help

[lolipopsicles]

Trip time

[strklovebot]

tony texting peter: i need you to come save me from this god awful meeting.

peter: say no more mr. stark

peter crashing through the window into tony’s meeting: DAD THE KITCHEN IS ON FIRE

tony mortified: KID WHAT THE FUC-

[irondad-and-spiderson-stuff]

Peter: *stubs toe*

Peter: "oH mY fRiCKEtY fRaCK My LiFE is oVeR tHe pAin is tOo mUcH I mUsT reSigN fRoM SpiDerMaN"

Peter: *gets stabbed*

Peter: "oh look, a minor inconvenience"

[natashawestanaqueen]

Yondu: He may have been you daddy but he wasn’t your father.

Peter: :o

Yondu: oh sht no I said it wrong; Peter I meant to say...

Peter:*slowly backing away*

Yondu: Peter I didn’t mean it in that way.

Peter: *runs*

[vix-vee]

The one where Yondu fails at being a grandpa

Notes: @grootiez asked: “Can you do one where Yondu and Kraglin have to babysit Groot when the other Guardians have to go out on a dangerous mission and the hilarity that ensues?“. I’m sorry I made you wait for so long, life happened. Maybe it’s not exactly what you expected, but I had fun writing it and I hope you’ll like it. This is an AU where Yondu survived and nothing makes sense, btw. That said, enjoy!

Warnings: Just a whole lot of weirdness and terrible - mostly failed - attempts at jokes. Written while compulsively listening to this amazing song.

Saying yes had been the worst mistake ever.

Yondu looks around one more time, making sure the narrow corridor is empty. He contacts Kraglin, who’s searching the other side of the ship.

“Any luck?” He asks over comms.

“Nothin’ here, Capt’n.” comes the answer. They both sigh.

Yondu knew it. He knew it. He should have declined. But Quill had insisted, and so had Rocket, although with far less enthusiasm. Not to mention Groot: he was so happy at the perspective of having Yondu as his babysitter… given that, the centaurian just couldn’t say no.

Of course, with his latest parenting experience being kidnapping the son of an immortal planet and raising said son as a criminal… well, he should have expected something would go wrong.

Case in point: after twenty minutes of half-assed babysitting, the twig is nowhere to be found.

“Maybe he’s in the kitchen.” says Kraglin. Yondu considers it for a moment.

“I’ve already been there twice. Go check your quarters instead.” He orders.

Their search is unsuccessful. Sat in the captain’s chair, Yondu massages his temples, going through his options. Damn it, they were supposed to look after the kid, not look for him.

“What do we do now?” Kraglin sounds a bit worried, probably because he already knows the answer. Yondu looks up at him, dreading the words he’s just about to say.

“Well, we only have one option left.”

Convincing Yondu to play grandpa for a day had been the only way to convince Rocket to leave Groot in the first place. He’d never left the twig behind before (damn, they’d never spent so much time apart), but the mission was too risky to bring him along. And the raccoonoid would have never let someone he didn’t trust to even get close to his kid, so Yondu was really their only option.

But that didn’t mean he was a good option.

“Come on, I’m sure they’re doing just fine.” Says Peter. He understands his friend’s concern over Groot, but he also needs him to focus on their job. Rocket nods, unconvinced.

“Yeah, fine.” Still, his tail keeps twitching nervously. He studies the screens in front of him; the sooner the team gets this job done, the better.

“We’re almost there!” he announces as he starts to flick switches and push buttons on his console, preparing the ship to enter the planet’s atmosphere.

That’s when Drax enters the cockpit, looking nervous.

“Uhm, guys? Yondu just called and-“ he can’t even manage to finish his sentence. Rocket bolts out of his seat as if it’s on fire and all but launches himself downstairs to go talk to the centaurian.

Quill rolls his eyes. This better be important.

After Yondu’s call, Rocket drops Drax, Gamora and Mantis off on their destination, then he immediately takes off again, headed to the Eclector. After some arguing, he even manages to drag Peter along.

“And why am I coming with you? They might need me back there!” He points out.

“It was your flarkin’ idea to leave Groot with that sorry excuse for a pirate, so now you’re gonna help!” Rocket snarls, upset “Also, I need someone to stop me from murdering Yondu on the spot.” He deadpans.

Peter’s eyes widen. He’s not sure whether or not his friend is serious, but he decides he doesn’t want to know. Rocket does look angry as hell, anyway.

“You had one d’ast job!” Rocket yells. For the fifth time in approximately forty seconds.

The only thing keeping him from disfiguring Yondu’s face with his claws is Peter, who’s making one hell of an effort to restrain him. To answer Quill’s previous question: yes, Rocket was serious about the murdering thing.

Kraglin tries to keep his composure as he slowly hides behind a very frustrated Yondu. As for the centaurian, he knows he made a mess, but he’s just annoyed because Rocket is wasting a lot of time yelling instead of helping. So, of course, he starts yelling too.

After Rocket and Yondu are done screaming their lungs out and throwing every kind of insult at each other, and after Peter is sure that if he puts his friend down everyone will live, the group splits up to look for Groot.

Unexpectedly, Rocket decides to take Yondu with him. Even more unexpectedly, Yondu doesn’t seem surprised at all. They walk away from the bridge together, leaving Peter and Kraglin on their own.

“I wonder who’s going to babysit them.” Comments Kraglin. Peter shrugs.

“Not us, that’s for sure.” he declares “By the way, I bet ten units that they’re going to punch each other before this is over.”

Kraglin snorts. “Come on, let’s go help them.”

It takes Rocket about seven minutes and a half to find the twig. And it takes Peter even less time to win his bet.

Rocket engulfs Groot in a hug, and he finally starts breathing again. Groot happily hugs him back. They don’t move until Yondu clears his throat, bringing Rocket back to reality.

“What did you think you were doing? We were all worried about you!” Rocket starts to scold Groot, as Peter and Kraglin approach. The twig just smiles at them.

“I am Groot!” he proclaims, proud of himself.

Rocket freezes. He just can’t find the words. He stares at Groot, astonished. Then, he starts laughing hysterically.

Peter runs a hand through his hair, incredulous.

“You can’t be serious.” He huffs. This is what made him leave the Guardians in the middle of a mission?

Kraglin and Yondu share a curious look.

“What the hell did he say?” asks Yondu. His eyes never leave Rocket, who’s now laying on the floor, still laughing like a maniac. The raccoonoid is clearly unable to speak at the moment, so it’s Peter who has to translate.

“He said that you” he points at the ravagers in front of him “just lost this hide and seek round.”

[strklovebot]

peter: an advil a day keeps the doctor away :)

tony, horrified: YOUR LEG IS FACING THE WRONG WAY

peter: :))

[irondad-and-spiderson-stuff]

Peter, in one breath: "Mr. Stark holy shit I would die for you 20 times over and then kill someone and then make you cookies as a ghost because I love you so much I can't even express how I feel"

Tony: "I-"

Peter: "I'm not done"

[irondad-and-spiderson-stuff]

Messages

Peter: I got beat to a pulp today lol

Tony: By who? I'll kill them. Also, that isn't an lol moment.

Peter: lol I haven't slept in days

Peter: lol what's food again?

Peter: lol ur the only person I talk to

Tony: Jesus, are you okay?

Peter: lol yeah

Tony: Are you only over using lol because of what I said?

Peter: noooooo wat makes u say that lol