One thing I've realized is being blurry really bugs us. Like we crash out due to that. Actually that reminds me when we would get really confused and identity confusion crashed on us.
Like "why do I want to wear a dress?? I literally hate them" yeah so turns out, you're plural
"why do i identify as a girl??? Im a boy???" So you're: plural past me
Oh then how much confusion and stress that brought us was insane
I thought I was faking being trans once. Nah so that was Yvelyn blending into me
We still go through identity confusion though and probably will forever but it sucked when we didn't know we were plural
And being blurry is hell for us because we want to know who's fronting but nope blurry then I get stressed
Since our switches are way more akin to slowly becoming our alters, it gets really confusing who is in front sometimes. Right now, I’m assuming it’s the host, maybe blended with someone, but I can’t tell.
This also becomes confusing when we are pretty sure we have an alter we hadn’t seen before who’s showing up slowly.
Not sure when they got here, where they came from, but they also don’t have a form. So I’m not sure what to make of them but I believe they’re definitely here.
So im gonna try to explain whats going on in my head purely so people in my blog know what i mean by i might be a system (in reality i dont think i am but i do have other people in my head and i have since i was a kid)
My name is Felix, i am i guess the host, im primary the one in control of the body and i was the original ig
i was defiantly dissociated up until grade 6 when quarantine hit
the headspace is called 'the server' as well as our group (-Cass and Uruki ill get to them in a sec)
the headspace is the place where the main character of the series i started when i was 8 yrs old, lives
and everyone in the server looks like the first/main character from my series they voice act (dont ask ;-;/lh)
I also look like mine but i can bounce from looking like Nathalie to looking like my sona Rex, whom i can draw
Nathalie is just easier to animate (in my head) because of how many years shes been what i look like in my mind (if you wanna know shes a brown dog with brown eyes (no markings))
The best way i can describe us is like a group of people (who are now friends) in a discord server, everyones on the vc together unless you choose to leave, so yes they do sleep and leave
Taro and Amythest know how to be there while sleeping, i dont know how but theyre always there unless they leave for something
in total theres me, Cass, Uruki and 19 others
Cassadrina and Uruki are different to the server as in, 1, they do not have bodies, and 2, they can take over me
this is my body, by technicality, Cass and Uruki don't have bodies, when they take over (switching) theyre taking over my body, usually theres communication when someones going to take over unless im being an asshole and probably not taking care of myself
Uruki is like the little of the system? hes a dog, Cass is a cat, neither of them voice act for my series and neither of them look like one of my characters
and also, the server are not my characters, i do i think maladaptive daydream, but i know the difference, and i didn't make the server intentionally like i do with my characters
from grade 1 to grade 6, more people got put into the server, we didn't choose to be paired up with each other and only a couple of us knew another who also joined
Cass is like the protecter, she helped me alot when i was going through things and shes always looking out for me (not to say everyone else doesn't)
And also random thing I'm not sure if others have this but Cass hates food, it's like werid, she can sometimes deal with water but she doesn't eat or drink, I do that, her and Uruki don't have to it's not necessary, but Uruki still eats cause he likes food
Amythest was the last one to join just before i ressociated
In reality i don't know when i first met Cass and Uruki, but Star, John and Pat were the first people from the server
With the ages most everyones an adult, Tree and Luna moon crystal are the oldest besing like 50 or near there im too lazy to check rn and Jessica and Jake being 2 years older than me? i cant math rn but they just turned 18 (im 16 btw)
the main thing im confused about is, they have bodies? or atleast it feels like it, they cannot take over me because they don't have to and can't, why? because they have bodies and lives, which is why theyre not all there 24/7 like Cass and Uruki are, everyone lives in austrlia according to what they tell me, aside from amythest who is british
my main problem with my thing is i dont function like how i see most systems function, and also from what i remember i dont think the trauma i got was bad enough to become a system
and also the server are not me split, they carry no personality traits nor memories other than what they know, Cass and Uruki are more split me, Cass being much older, responsible and quiet (like a cat -sleeping) and Uruki being much younger, thinking less, not having any social anxiety and being much more carefree
It might have been affected by my autism and therianthropy which I won't rly go into
I'm not going to explain the more inner workings cause um, there is more, but yeah this is basically the gist
if you have any questions feel free to ask
please tell me if you know wth is going on with me btw too ;-;
alter introduction time :D (don’t know much about them i’m trying-)
crow, the og, he/they/xe/ze/neos, demiboy, demisexual, polyamorous, 14
xavier definitely a persecutor, he/they i think?? gay man, idk his age
rose, role unknown, pronouns also unknown, all i know is they’re an amazing writer
harry, fictive, he/they/it, idk anything else other than he’s really chill and gets happy talking to any dhmis kins/fictives, from his source or not
probably more but i just don’t know about ‘em, so yeah, be nice to all of them except xavier, i said what i said you racist piece of shit (i think he might be a fictive of my oc or merged with a fictive of my oc, that oc being asterik, despite asterik literally being half black, your being racist against yourself dumbass)
I think i may have osdd 1b but I'm not sure. Is it normal to have internal conversations with fictional/fiction based people?
Like I have a group of people I talk to and hang around with inside my head regularly and most are based on TV characters but have changed alot and have entire backstories that does change . Sometimes we just have general chats which i can't change but othertimes I have whole plots and stuff that I daydream about and can change (??? I think) . Then theres different extreme personality changes that happens to me on a regular basis .
Im just really confused and would like to be at least 75% sure that this isnt normal before I bring it up to a therapist (when I find a new one)
since i’m not medically recognized, i’m referring to my alters as “alters”
so i “co-fronted” with someone at school, i was copying down some work, and you know the feeling right after when you almost pass out and feel like your in another universe and have no idea who you are? that’s how i felt. so when i found that paper in my spanish binder i was confused, i was even more confused when it wasn’t in my handwriting. (i always write in my own font i made, even when i’m half asleep, i still write in it, it’s a habit i taught myself, so when something wasn’t in my handwriting when i vaguely remember doing it i was confused, so i ask my sibling, a medically diagnosed system, and they informed me due to repeated childhood trauma and all the other stuff pointing to being a system, there’s a really high chance so yeah that’s nice to know)
wow long post, anyways if anybody wants any other occurrences pointing to me being a system, just ask :D /pos
