I was questioning my sexuality (bi febfem or lesbian) and experienced some comphet things. However, with the recent gold star discussion on radblr I am even more doubtful. Comphet doesn't exist?? I should've known way earlier I liked girls (too?)?? I really used to think I liked men but looking back, I was always focused on the girl when fantasizing. I find it so confusing and don't want to be a fake. But I only want girls. (I'm 16) But is it because of my radfem views or genuine lesbianism?
Hey, anon! Okay, first of all I should say that I, Mod A, personally do not agree with the recent discourse. I do not agree that only gold stars are lesbians, even though I am a gold star myself. I think it is important that the gold star term does exist, for its value in lesbian culture, but I do not think there is such a thing as “more lesbian than”, and if a woman is not attracted to men, it doesn’t matter what was her process in getting to that conclusion. Having sex with men doesn’t change your biology, and I believe sexuality is a stagnant biological reality, so it could not be changed by a man. I’m being specific about these being my beliefs, because I cannot speak for the other mods, and it could be that one of them doesn’t agree with me on this.
As for you being “too old” to figure this out... I only understood I was a lesbian at 19. I had a specific upbringing that did not allow for questioning of heterosexuality. I didn’t understand you could even be anything but het until I was around 12. That’s not much younger than you are right now. I don’t see how anyone who has an understanding of the heterocentric patriarchal society we live in could expect people younger than 16 to already know whether they are gay, or bi, or straight. Teenagers are mostly raised in whatever bubble their parents keep them in, and it’s not like we have a shit ton of gay role models even in media, let alone irl.
I can’t tell you whether you are for sure a lesbian or for sure bi, but I thought I was bi/pan from 12/13 until two years ago. So what I can tell you is that it’s okay. People may say what they want to say and think what they want to think, but at the end of the day being a lesbian (or bi, or het) just is. Your sexuality is immutable and unchangeable. Your political views may affect your opinion on men, but they won’t affect your attraction to them, if you do experience that attraction. So you may call yourself bi, but if you turn out to be lesbian, that doesn’t mean you “turned”, it just means you were a lesbian all along, and it just took you a while to figure that out.
Honestly, I think it’s important to remember that sexuality is, at the end of the day, extremely private and personal. So maybe just go with whatever feels right until you’ve experienced enough to be sure. You don’t need to announce your sexuality, you don’t need to know.
I know that being unsure is difficult, especially around 16, when it feels like we have to figure ourselves out, and that being an adult means knowing everything about ourselves, but being an adult is accepting there is so, so much we don’t know, and keeping on trying to figure it all out.
So, and I know this is easier said than done, but... Take a breather. And take your time. You’re okay. You don’t have to know, and if you think you know, you don’t have to be right. It’s okay if later you understand you’re not what you thought you were. It’s okay to make mistakes, as long as you know how to be respectful to yourself and others about it.
I hope this helps a bit. Take care!
