for lesbians by lesbians

PLEASE READ OUR [FAQ] BEFORE SENDING ASKS | Lesbian: a female exclusively attracted to other females | Advice, sex ed, and a space of community for lesbians currently run by three radfem lesbians and two radfem dykes | We cannot determine your sexuality for you - only you can figure it out

[lesbian-ed]

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art

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compulsory heterosexuality

feminism

gender critical

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lesbian history

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lesbophobia

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[kittyit]

do you have any lesbian book recs? (fiction and/or non fiction)

go crazy

[cannabutch]

my experience on sexuality and gender

when I came back to tumblr, I really had no goal in mind. I just wanted a space to share funny memes and hoped to make friends with other same-sex attracted women. now, I feel it to be my purpose to be the mentor and friend I so desperately needed when I was confused and struggling with my sexuality and fully being able to deconstruct the catholic guilt, the self-hatred, fear, and loneliness. i had no community. I didn’t know any lesbians in real life. it was just me. and yeah, maybe it sounds goofy to hear that tumblr was the reason I found community. but for a baby butch of a heavily catholic family from the midwestern USA, it was all I had.

during that time in my life I also had friends (and even an ex girlfriend) who had encouraged my sex dysphoria. in some way or another each one of them got in my head. my dislike of all things feminine made me un-woman. that maybe hormones and binding my breasts would fix my hard feelings about my body and sexuality. maybe I just have a “male brain.” that being a straight transman would be what finally gave me peace of mind. of course it didn’t. the problem was never my mind or my body—it was the world around me that needed to change. there was never anything wrong with me.

meeting other lesbian feminists saved my life. its not hyperbole. I don’t know who I could’ve been, or what could’ve happened to me if I didn’t have other lesbians telling me there is no wrong way to be a woman—the only requisite is being female. it is not a feeling, or a set of personality traits, or clothing, or some inherent love of all things feminine. “woman” and “girl” aren’t a gender identities, but a descriptor for those born female. “femininity” is how the female population is subjugated under a patriarchal world. I don’t believe in the metaphysical concept gender. gender is how we all are kept in boxes. it is how we all are expected to behave, what we are expected to be interested, and our personality based on our sexes. it is inherently oppressive.

once I learned this it was so freeing. women can be masculine. butch succinctly describes my experience of growing up a girl, of my womanhood, and my innate, exclusive same-sex attraction to other women. I had realized back then that women can be loud, and take up space, and eat our fill. I didn’t have to shrink or change myself to find peace. I am female. I am a woman. I am a butch lesbian. I am exactly who I was always meant to be.

to all the baby butches, and all the young lesbians: there is nothing wrong with you. you are perfect just the way you are. you do not have to un-woman yourselves for the comfort of others. you do not have to fit a set of stereotypes to be a woman.

woman (n.) — adult human female.

break the chains of gender stereotypes. smash the barriers placed on us because of our sex. stand up to the people who insist they know you better than you do—on both sides of the political spectrum. show the world exactly what a woman can be completely uninhibited. we have always existed, and despite their best efforts to shut down our communities, ban us from online spaces, silence us with hate and threats—here we will remain. as women, as lesbians. we will always find each other. I am here for you, too. never hesitate to reach out.

I love and appreciate you all so much.

————————————————————

***inb4 comments: I am not a “terf,” nor do I completely subscribe to radical feminism. however, radfems have been the only group who hasn’t tried to silence or shame me for asking questions. nor have they tried to tell me who I am. I believe all people deserve basic human rights. the right to nondiscrimination and equal opportunity for housing, education, employment, and healthcare.

I am not here to argue or debate about my experiences. if you do not like this, you can simply unfollow and/or block me. if you post hateful comments they will be deleted, and you will be blocked.

[riotghou1]

[crimson-femme]

Young Lesbian Women's Network, Camperdown Memorial Rest Park (1995)

[girlwithafishtail]

guys idk who needs to hear this but lesbians are homosexual females. If you're a lesbian and you get weirded out/don't feel attracted to trans women then that is fine!!! They are males, and performing societies stereotypical view of what being a woman is doesn't change that, and thus doesn't change your attraction ^^

Don't go back into the closet and don't let them push your boundaries. It's not transphobic to be a homosexual <3

[destroy-the-binary]

Queer Blogs & Resources

Hey guys! This is a list of queer creators that you can go to for support, advice, or just general positivity. I hope this helps you guys find support, as I cannot relate to all experiences. I will be adding more to this list!

Edit: Thank you guys so much for letting me know that I had a TERF on the list. I had scrolled through their feed earlier, and didn’t find anything problematic, but with further research, I realize I was wrong. This person has since been removed.

Lesbian Bloggers

@destroy-the-binary - Me! A blog on queer and LGBTQ+ issues and topics.

@our-lesbian-experience - A great blog about the lesbian experience.

Bisexual Bloggers

@hellomynameisbisexual - A blog about a bisexual guy's experience and bisexual positivity.

Gay Bloggers

@glowing-gay - A blog about mlm experience, yearning and love.

@nonpassingmlm - A blog mainly for trans and enby mlm people.

Pansexual Bloggers

@posi-pan - A blog on general queer positivity and pan positivity!

Omnisexual Bloggers

@omnisexualcultureis - A blog on Omni culture and life.

Polyamorous Bloggers

@polyamorouscultureis - A blog about polyamorous positivity.

@polyamorousmood - A blog on poly positivity.

Asexual Bloggers

@asexual-society - A blog on asexual topics and struggles.

@fuckyeahasexual - A blog about asexuality and some aromanticsm.

Aromantic Bloggers

@aro-culture-is - A blog on the aromantic experience and culture.

Intersex Bloggers

@intersex-support - A blog on intersex people, questions, struggles, and other intersex specific things.

@yourfaveisintersex - A blog on intersexism and intersex life, main blog is @ridibulous

Non-Binary Bloggers

@askanonbinary - A blog for Non-Binary questions and life advice.

@nonpassingmlm - A blog mainly about trans and enby mlm people.

Genderfluid Bloggers

@destroy-the-binary - Me again! A blog on queer and LGBTQ+ issues and topics.

@our-genderfluid-experience - A blog on the genderfluid life experience.

Genderqueer Bloggers

@genderqueerpositivity - A blog about genderqueer issues and life.

Demigender Bloggers

@demigenderness - A blog on general queerness and demigenderness.

Agender Bloggers

@our-agender-experience - A blog on general agendar things.

Transgender Bloggers

@transgender - A blog about trans issues and topics.

@our-trans-youth-experience - A blog about trans life and experiences.

General LGBTQ+ Bloggers

@our-queer-experience - A blog on queerness and the queer experience.

@fryingpansexuality - A blog about queerness and queer issues and positivity.

[lesbian-ed]

As suspected, lesbian-ed didn't make the cut after being flagged as "a terf blog".

It's interesting to me that you couldn't find anything problematic, and yet you still took other's opinions and accepted their validity above your own judgement.

I guess you want your list to be helpful to queer people, not homosexual people, so it's important to make sure no advice is provided with the intention of exclusively supporting and helping homosexuals, especially lesbians.

I hope you'll go through our blog again, and figure out for yourself what it is that's so problematic about us. The main belief we share is that lesbianism = female homosexuality, and that women are adult human females. Womanhood is not a costume. Holding that belief should not be problematic, but even if you disagree it should definitely not take away from the fact that the mods in this blog are lesbians who are answering other lesbians' questions. We never claimed to be anything else.

[lesbian-ed]

Hello! I'm creating a queer resource page, and I was wondering if I could send people your way for advice, support, etc. Would that be alright?

We are not queer. We are lesbians. As in female homosexuals. Our blog is by lesbians for lesbians. Bi and straight women might obviously come around, but our main focus has been and always will be to provide a safe space for lesbians.

I'd like to think we did our job right that you would consider promoting this blog despite our views on gender and our feminist stance, but something tells me instead you might just not have read that much from us...

Anyway, sadly this blog is inactive with no intention for being super active any time soon. If you still would like to link it, you're welcome to do so as long as you refrain from referring to us as queer. We do have a quite comprehensive history/archive of answers for lesbians and what I believe are still some the most common questions regarding being a lesbian out there, which is why the blog has not been terminated.

/Mod A

[biarritzzz]

It amazes how often lesbians will straight up lie about the reality of our dating pool. It is TINY, that's a simple fact. Yet I almost never hear/read anyone be honest about it. Lesbians are out there coping, hoping that the cute bartender they see across the bar or their hot coworker will reciprocate and realistically, she won't.

She will never look at you that way. You could be the hottest most amazing lesbian on the planet and that still wouldn't matter because the woman is heterosexual. She will never be attracted to you.

I wish I had been told that by older lesbians when I was younger because it would have saved me a lot of heartache and I wouldn't have wasted my time. But older lesbians don't want the truth either it seems, unless they're intelligent and honest.

When your dating pool is the size of a bucket instead of an ocean, your options are extremely limited. That's just how it is. You can find magic (I did, once) but you're also likely to settle for mediocre relationships (I did that too) or just stay single for a long time.

[aphroditeslesbian]

I think part of the problem is that the most active voices end up being lesbians from big cities who have way bigger dating pools than the average lesbian in the average to small town.

Like I come from one of the biggest cities in the planet and all the lesbians I know from there had a looooong dating and/or hookup history (except for me, but I grew up christian, moved to a smaller town during my teens, and was chronically online).

This is, of course, not to say that the dating pool was big, or at all comparable to straight people's, because there is still a lot of dating each other and then each other's exes and then the exes of exes in a loop (the L word wasn't really exaggerating by a lot with Alice's chart).

But I guess my main point is that it's not a hopeless situation, and building community is the way to go. I think a lot of people think the way to find a date is to go straight into a romantic relationship, bc that's what the movies sell, and straight people can't seem to be friends with their partners... But in reality building a romantic relationship out of a friendship is natural and good and healthy too.

I'm not saying find friends with the intention of dating them, I'm saying... Find friends. Find community. If your town is small, go online, join a club, get out of your comfort zone. Even if you don't end up finding a romantic relationship, you'll have found some valuable companionship.

The are other lesbians out there feeling lonely and seeking love, you don't have to settle because the dating pool seems tiny. Also, long distance relationships are possible, I've recently moved across the globe to be with my gf, we were long distance for 9 years.

[vintagesapphics]

the prom queen, 1991 by Nancy Andrews

[vintagesapphics]

For anyone curious, here is the background information of this photo from Nancy Andrews' book Family: a Portrait of Gay and Lesbian America (1994)

[lesbian-ed]

How do I find spaces for women who think like this? I just want a lesbian friend who understands my frustration and disappointment.. I want someone i can have an honest conversation with instead of walking on eggshells.

Make space!!! If you're having trouble with the (admittedly very limited) spaces out there, make up your own space! Start a discord server, or join one. Reach out to people! Don't be shy, I know it's hard but... Be brave.

Start small if you're one to have trouble taking the first step. Send a Tumblr ask, a message. If you're already on servers, be part of the crowd that sends random first messages, interact with other women's posts, etc.

I've always loved getting random Tumblr messages lol and I have friends I met on Tumblr who changed my life!! If Tumblr isn't your usual haunt, apply this to whatever other social media you're mostly on.

I think with the way things are we forget that social media is not just a one way street, it's not just a place to monologue and consume content. The choices are not "to post" or "to read posts". There's more to it. The magic of it all is that we can interact with others, reach out, start debates and conversations.

You're not alone in this feeling of isolation, I know I've felt it myself very very often after learning about gender critical views and radical feminist theory. I know other women have too. I understand it's easy to feel like an island, but you have the tools at hand necessary to make a little rowboat and get yourself to mainland.

I understand it's scary to be vulnerable and open yourself up for reelection, but the rewards are worth the risks!!

I hope you carve your space out, and find your people. Good luck!!

/Mod A

[lesbian-ed]

Hi, is this blog still answering questions?

This blog is innactive, but I can never bring myself to close the ask box. One day someone might decide to go through the ask box and answer them. But it might take months or years. This blog won't go anywhere because I want it to remain a resource. But sadly none of the mods are in a position to give it the energy it requires at this time.

~Mod A/@aphroditeslesbian

[sapphos-darlings]

Homosexuality is real, normal, and unchangable.

We might be a small minority, but we are REAL. If you are exclusively same-sex attracted, remember that you are not alone, you are not faulty, and you deserve to be safe and respected for who you are.

You don't need fixing. You don't deserve hate or harrassment.

You are homosexual and perfectly fine just the way you are

[sichorean]

"I wish I wasn't that way" honey you're a lesbian and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You're surrounded by conversion therapy rhetoric and it's wrong. You aren't having a "genital preference" - you like women. The entire female form. You're a female homosexual. It's okay to be a lesbian.

There is nothing wrong with you. You shouldn't have to hide in order to pacify a mans ego.

[lesbian-ed]

i’m questioning my sexuality but i keep feeling like i don’t really belong anywhere.. i don’t want to date a man, ever, but i used to have fantasies about them in the past… and i see goldstars here on tumblr saying how real lesbians never question their sexuality, or on the opposite end lgbt activists saying lesbians are “non men attracted to non men” and that they can be attracted to trans women, which makes no sense… yeah i’m just really confused

We've gotten a lot of questions like this, and I'm a goldstar but also have struggled with similar questions myself. I know it can be frustrating to be unsure, and I know how hard it is to feel without community... I think the best advice I can give you is just to allow yourself to be yourself. If you never want to be with men, could never love a man, feel no attraction to men... That doesn't scream heterosexual attraction to me.

If you think you prefer women, but have been attracted to men in the past... Being bi or even febfem (female exclusive bisexual female) is a thing.

We've gotten a lot of questions like this, and I'm a goldstar but also have struggled with similar questions myself.

To me, it helps to think about sexuality as a morally neutral thing. Being lesbian, bi, or het, none of that is good or bad. It just is. It's also okay to be unsure, or even to think you're one thing and then find out you were wrong. Only you know how you feel, and who you're attracted to. Be patient with yourself, you don't have to have all the answers.

Respect yourself and your boundaries. What others think or say doesn't really change who you are.

I feel like gay men get a pass, no one questions them. I know gay men who have had sex with women, even often make out with women but call themselves gay, and no one says they're actually bi, or liars. I feel like men get so much more grace and confidence in their own sexuality, but as women we are made to constantly question ourselves.

What are your fantasies now? What do you want for the rest of your life? Who do you want companionhip from, who do you see yourself loving and cherishing and wanting love from? If the answer is only women... That sounds like a lesbian to me.

[lesbian-ed]

What are some healthy expressions of sexuality that don't involve porn consumption?

I feel like there's plenty, but I guess some of the simpler ones could be just masturbating without porn, having sex, flirting, etc.

I think there's some mixed views on erotica and how harmful it can be. I (personally) think it really depends on what content is being read/written, and how dependent you are on it.

If you're having trouble getting into a sexy mood without porn, I'd definitely consider just trying to learn your body and your needs during masturbation and sex, without any outside stimulus (except for your partner, that is).

If you're having a hard time, try creating a fantasy in your mind. It might take some time to find what works for you, you might want to turn to porn again, but try to go cold turkey and if you're really not getting anywhere, take a break, try again later.

Your mind is such a strong tool, and your body's physical sensations should all be enough to be able to enjoy your sexuality without porn.

Really there isn't a single way to go about this, everyone is different. Listen to your body, be patient. It definitely is worth it to not be dependent on porn (take it from someone who was once porn addicted myself).

[lesbian-ed]

Is it normal to not get wet during arousal? When I’m aroused I get warm and a bit tingly, I guess? But my vagina is still dry. I’m just not sure, if this is a normal reaction or if I should see a doctor.

Different women have all different levels of vaginal lubrication during arousal. Maybe you're on the low end, and some lube could be helpful (water based is usually the best call). Maybe you're just not quite that aroused? It can take longer/more stimulus before you become fully aroused too.

If this bothers you and causes discomfort during sex, talking to a doctor could definitely be the way forward. If this just seems to be how your body functions, adding lube might be all it takes to make it flow easier.