don’t forget about me | h.rj
pairing: renjun x reader
requested: yes lmao this is for the angsty anon <3
summary: how could renjun possibly forget about you? everything in his life reminds him of you. from the moment he wakes up, to the moment he falls asleep, you’re playing on the forefront of his mind
genre/warnigns: angst, very sad, death, metions of car crash, unedited
word count: 2.4k (sad bitch hours; open)
it's cold. the november breeze is chilling and it floats down the neck of renjun's black coat. but he can’t feel the cold; not currently. nowhere in his mind is there even a sliver of concern for the goose bumps raising on his skin, or the purpling of his exposed fingertips. he pays no mind to the way his teeth start to chatter, or the way his shoulders sit stiff and sharp.
renjun doesn't notice, but the group of people behind him does. doyoung shoots taeyong a look which is returned by a shake of the elder’s head. doyoung knows he should leave renjun to himself, he needs this time to process his thoughts, but the way the younger's shoulders shake sparks concern. he felt a lot of that these days, always in respect to renjun. the way he closed in on himself, the way his eyes would search a room for something that was no longer there.
a bright shift of colour catches renjun's eye and he finds himself staring at a pinwheel, spinning delicately in the wind. the small spark of pink in the gray landscape is almost jarring. it may be a deep shade of magenta, but it looks like the dullest shade of red next to the flowers he has grasped in his hands. the wrapper crinkles every now and then as his fingers flex uncontrollably in the chill of the winter morning.
overhead, the skeleton of a tree casts spindly shadows on the frost-covered grass. the cold morning's sun casts a frozen glaze over the scene in front of him, heightening the details until everything appears crystal clear and precisely in focus. his eyes scan over the cold marble, bright white and angelic and for a sickening moment he thinks he might be drowning at the way his throat closes up. the words he was planning on saying are dying in his throat and he has to focus for a few prolonged seconds on his breathing alone.
a pair of polished black shoes crunch the grass and a hand falls onto his shoulder, wrapping around his shoulder as the perpetrator moves to stand next to him. renjun doesn't need to look to know it's kun; he can see the worried frown on his face without facing away from the sight in front of him. he doesn't need to turn around to see the identical faces on the rest of the people around him, and it makes him feel sick.
it's a sunny thursday in july and renjun sits on the beach. jeno lounges on one side of him, jaemin flicking through songs on the speaker on his other. in front of him he sees johnny chase donghyuck around, a stick covered in seaweed swaying precariously in his hands. the music jaemin chooses floats out the speaker and for a sweet, sweet second renjun is taken back to a time at a similar beach.
"renjun! stop!" the voice is accompanied by a shriek of laughter and a slew of curse words as the boy in question manages to push you into the water. he watches, a beaming smile on his face, as your head breaks through the surface, gasping when another wave hits you. a devilish smirk covers your face and renjun stops cold, knowing exactly what you're planning.
"y/n! no! i didn't mean it!" his pleas fall on deaf ears as you launch yourself at him, wrapping your arms around his neck and pulling. freezing cold water surrounds you, salt stinging your eyes. the first view you have out of the water is renjun's shocked face, not at all matching the jubilant grin on your own. with a disbelieving laugh he pulls you back to him, resting his hands on the backs of your thighs when your wind your legs around his waist.
when you can tell he's about to make a smart jab at you, you take the opportunity to press your lips against his, relishing in the way he sighs into your mouth. it seems you successfully distracted him, pulling away only for his lips to chase yours.
a shriek pulls renjun back to the present. it's donghyuck, screaming out for taeil to stop johnny who now has the stick dangerously close to the younger's face. the painful sinking of his heart momentarily disarms him, letting the sombre expression shine through. jaemin sees the change in his demeanour and swallows hard, thinking of something to distract him
"hey, renjun," renjun turns his head in recognition but his eyes don't leave the waves, as if he could almost see the memory play out in front of him. "you wanna come find the arcade?" lingering only a moment longer on the flashback, renjun buries it under his expertly crafted mask, a smile toying at his lips. jaemin knows it's insincere, but he'll take anything at this point.
the theme park is teeming with people. it's the opening weekend of the carnival and it was tradition to come on the saturday. mark had spent weeks convincing him it would be good for him to come this year, just like any other. renjun knows taeyong and doyoung and quite possibly kun as well had given him that advice, and mark was a good friend to stick to it. in the end, renjun had even started believing him.
he regrets that now, as he stands in front of the stall where he had won you the first gift you had ever exchanged; an oversized stuffed panda that was nearly twice your size. that same panda rested on his bed at the dorms now.
"these are rigged, i swear," the ball you throw narrowly misses the last can, and you sigh, turning to face the smiling boy next to you. your complaints aren't acknowledged by renjun and you watch in amazement as he throws his last ball at his own set of cans, hitting it straight on and watching in glee as it clatters to the ground. the joy on his face makes a matching smile light up your own face.
"can i have the panda, please?" he asks the person behind the counter, grinning at you as he is handed a ginormous fluffy bear complete with red bow tie. upon seeing your pout, he does nothing but poke your nose, loving the way your cheeks heat up. "you're welcome." the panda is thrust into your arms and you wobble on your feet before renjun's arms come up to steady you.
the panda has wide gleaming eyes and you look from its embroidered mouth to renjun's now blushing face before pressing a quick kiss to his cheek, enveloping his cold fingers in your own. renjun swears his heart burst at that exact moment.
the theme park is teeming with people but as he scans the crowd, he cannot see your face. the crushing reality that you're not here crashes down on his chest and he suddenly can't find the breath he was holding before. before he can stop himself, the tears are streaming down his face. he faces away from mark, less out of embarrassment and more out of concern for the older boy. he knows his friends had the right idea but seeing the exact place you had stood and kissed him for the first time is suffocating.
taeyong rarely cooks for everyone, but this is a special occasion. the dining table is filling slowly and renjun waits in the hallway, staring into the mirror and trying to paint on the most convincing smile. he hopes the others don't notice his absent but deep down he knows they're all waiting with bated breath for him to enter. jaehyun and yuta help taeyong carry plate after plate of delicious smelling food to the table.
it seems fantastic, and renjun hears his stomach growl loudly. the sound makes doyoung's ears perk up, the ever-concerned older brother knowing how long it had been since renjun had eaten a proper meal. the last dish is brought out and taeyong sits down last at the head of the table. a round of murmured thank you's arises from the group before people start piling food onto their plates.
renjun reaches for the hotpot but his eyes fall to the seat next to him. he had carefully avoided looking at it until now, hoping if seeing is believing he could make it disappear. the chair is empty. it's empty and suddenly so is renjun's heart. the spoon clatters to the table, the chatter at the table halting. the more he stares the plush velvet, the empty plush velvet, the sicker he feels. doyoung reaches for him but renjun stands abruptly, the chair behind him swaying on its back legs. the group watches with sad eyes as the young boy makes a beeline for the hallway, breaking out into a jog when he hears someone else get up from the table.
on the rooftop the clear night sky spans over renjun's head. he lies back and stares upwards, letting himself have this moment of grief. the stars are bright tonight, but the tears in his eyes distort them until they spike outwards in little lines. hot, fast tears fall out the sides of his eyes, sliding down his cheeks and onto the cold concrete beneath him. the hard surface makes his head ache, but he can't bring himself to care. it's nothing compared to the feeling of his heart clenching painfully. some higher being must have been listening to his prayers on the roof, as he sits for hours unbothered by anyone else. car horns from the roads below create a distant song of chaos and disorder, reminding him that life goes on. life goes on for others, even if he's frozen in time. frozen at the moment he lost you.
the ringing is unbearable. it fills his ears and makes his head spin. his eyes open, but everything is upside down. there are feet in his line of sight, and he realises he doesn't remember what just happened. however, he can guess from the glass on the ground, the bloodied shards glinting in the sunlight. after a moment his vision stops swimming and he looks around, heart stopping as his eyes meet yours, wide and scared.
renjun's hearing is still escaping him, but you can't find the strength to speak regardless. vaguely, you feel a warm hand slip into yours. in front of you renjun is still looking at you, tears cascading down his face. you're not much different, hot streams of salty tears mixing with the fresh blood, slipping into your mouth and down your throat. the taste is mild, as if you can't comprehend the bitter aroma.
pain throbs through your head, your eyelids getting heavier with every second that passes. renjun is screaming for help and you think you can hear sirens in the mix. somewhere. distantly. a surge of white-hot fear jolts you back to the current, squeezing the hand in yours as tightly as you can.
the pain has numbed, you know it's a terrible sign, but you can't bring yourself to care. the darkness around you vision increases tenfold and you get the overwhelming urge to make the boy in front of you understand your thoughts.
"renjun," the voice that speaks is foreign to your ears. renjun's full attention is on you and the fear is replaced with a warm feeling that you recognise as love. "i love you."
"no, no, y/n!" he sobs, the sound is broken and painful to hear and you can do nothing but tighten your grip on his hand. "baby, keep your eyes open."
"i've loved you since we were thirteen, renjun. i always will."
"y/n–"
"don't forget about me."
the broken voice returns as your hearing fades away. "i love you so much, baby. wait for me, okay, i could never forget you."
renjun can hear your words in his mind every day. don't forget about me. he cannot fathom how anyone could ever forget you, let alone him. when he wakes up in the morning, his hands find the cold space you left behind. the green toothbrush you used every morning next to him still sits in the cup holder in his bathroom. your favourite cereal sits in his cabinets. he could never think about anything except you.
kun pulls him further into his side, offering a type of comfort only a select few can. renjun stares at your name engraved in the marble. the words gone too soon stand out. the plans you had together flash through his head; touring europe together, visiting his family in china, even the list of movies you wanted to watch is still saved in his phone.
renjun breaks away from kun's grip to lay the flowers down in front of your gravestone, tracing your names with his fingers. as he finished engraining the way your name swirls in the stone, he thinks back to every time he's done it before.
every sunny summer day spent here, a half-eaten picnic for two between him and the cold stone; every snowy morning he sits and tries to catch snowflakes on his tongue like you always used to; every warm autumn night where he sits and watches the stars above, telling you about all the conspiracy theories he's heard, all the facts about space he knows you would have loved to hear; every lazy spring afternoon when the flowers he planted next to your grave start blooming. he can trace your name by memory now.
don't forget about me. how could he? you're the constant warmness in his chest. you're in the shadows that follow him in the sun. you're in every promise he makes to himself. every time he falls asleep, you're the last thought that crosses his mind. how could he possibly forget about you?
somewhere deep down, he knows it wrong to be waiting for the day he can join you again. you would have wanted him to live his life to the fullest, enjoying every moment and only thinking of the good memories. but renjun's biggest comfort is knowing that you're sat somewhere watching him. watching him and waiting for him to join you.
waiting for him to come home, into your arms.
a/n: a double update,,, who am i? also i may or may not have ugly cried whilst writing this
