[9:25am] growing up in your hometown was certainly an experience to say the least. living in the middle of nowhere with barely three friends, and a crush that disappeared at the worst times was not your idea of a perfect or even acceptable childhood, and even though you craved to break free and escape, you couldn't.
up until you were sixteen, you'd been ready to up and leave whenever you got the first chance. fuck this school, fuck this town and fuck everyone in it, you thought to yourself.
that was until that godforsaken night.
it started like a normal saturday evening would, you and your best friend attending a party that someone you vaguely knew, was throwing.
renjun was there was normal. your crush since kindergarten and the boy you spent many of your early years quarelling over broken lego houses and who got the first milk carton at lunch.
of course, renjun was now more of a stranger to you than most of the rest of the people in the room at this point, since after those years were over; he ditched you for a better group, and he never looked back.
the night quickly turned into something else, not a party, but an attempt to try your luck with him.
what you didn't know, is that by the end of the night you'd have his lips on yours, followed by the words 'i love you', in a parking structure of the residents of an apartment complex neither of you lived at.
the next morning, the only thing you had to piece together the night previous were photos of you and him from your adventures and a pounding headache.
you were both stumbling dumbly and completely intoxicated, renjun's figure relying on yours for balance as you both attempted to find a place to sit. deciding that the street and your house were not suitable, you both spotted a parking structure that looked to be open and unsupervised, perfect for you to both get up to all sorts.
reaching the first or second floor (you couldn't really remember) renjun made quick work of climbing onto a power generator that you assumed was keeping your shenanigans well-lit, and perching himself on it.
it took you a good twenty minutes of pleading and giggling for him to finally get down and stand at your level again, but once he did, the look in his eyes was unmistakable. he was staring at you, right in the eyes, and he was scanning your face, taking in every single little detail.
"you're beautiful. has anyone ever told you that?" he remarks, barely above a whisper.
you blush. "not many have.. a couple but nobody usually means it."
he brushes your hair back behind your eyes and smiles. in that moment, he seemed so serious that you could of sworn he was just completely sober and wanted to screw with you and pretend he was drunk, but he really was, he was just.. a good actor.
"well, i mean it." he says after a few seconds of silence, moving closer to you and placing his lips on yours.
the kiss was as good as it could of been for two people who were really drunk, but this felt real; raw, honest, realistic.
"i.. love you." he declares once the kiss ends.
but things didn't quite go the way you thought they would.
after that night, he doesn't call you, he doesn't text you, hell - he doesn't even smile at you in the hallway at school. he just does exactly as he always did, nothing. you wonder if maybe he just doesn't remember, or if he's too embarrassed to confront the situation and sort it out.
what you quickly learnt is that he did remember it, but what you weren't sure of was the reason he hadn't done anything about it.
at the next party you both went to, you kissed again, and the next party, and the next... it became the norm for you both to share a night of what seemed to everyone to be passion or love, and then never say anything about it the next day.
it became a game of who would crack first and say something, but neither of you did.
it didn't matter if he reached his hand down into your jeans and touched you, because the next day it was as if it didn't happen at all.
for a while it was just fun, both of you not having to admit feelings for each other and commit, but as it went on you realised it was messing with your head.
at a party you were both at, a familiar setting that would usually result in you going out the back and doing the usual, you stopped him from doing anything.
"why are we doing this?" you abruptly question him.
"w-..what do you mean?" he stutters nervously, looking over to his right at a girl standing with a group of friends.
"why do you keep kissing me.. touching me and then pretending like you never did? what are we renjun?" you continue, getting slightly agitated.
he sighs and continues staring in her direction, barely paying attention to you.
"friends, duh." he replies after a few seconds. you can see that he's clearly more interested in staring than actually giving you full attention, so you decide to really test his loyalties.
"so that's why we were inches from each other last week and you were whispering in my ear about how you wanted me right there right then? do you even want to keep doing this renjun? you're just using me."
"no, it's not that.. you're just not really my type." your lifetime crush, renjun breaks to you gently.
"apparently i am when you're drunk though, or when you see a girl and you wanna make her jealous huh? then you're all over me, but as soon as there's no reason to pretend, im suddenly just a friend and nothing more." you spit out in response, trying your best to make sure he knows you're pissed, and exactly why.
he stutters, barely able to form a full sentence, probably because he can't quite give you a good enough response. he knows what you said is true, and he's still staring at the girl he's been eyeing since the conversation started.
"i-i.. y/n.." he barely manages, looking off to the side hoping that his brain will suddenly help him find the words he needs to say.
you grip the drink you're holding a little tighter and storm off, opting to sit at a secluded area off to side of where you usually went with renjun, the smoking area.
before you started this.. this thing with renjun, you'd never touched a cigarette a day in your life. but since he'd reappeared in your life, you started using smoking as a release for when you really just wanted nothing more than to punch his stupid little cute face
he played you. your mind screams at you as you take a drag of your cigarette and a sip of your vodka and coke.
in a sudden fit of rage, you throw the glass at the ground, hearing it smash and seeing it break into tiny little pieces, the glass gleaming in the moonlight.
reaching into your pocket you pull out a letter. how clichè of you. the letter had on it all of your feelings towards renjun and all of the things you wished you could say to him but never had the courage to.
"won't be needing this anymore." you tell yourself, scrunching it up into a ball and throwing it to the floor. gripping your lighter and lighting your cigarette again as well as taking a drag, you reach down and flicker the lighter up against the paper, watching the small flame you unleashed set the whole letter on fire, the flames destroying every handwritten word you'd idiotically scrawled the night before.
standing up and deciding the best course of action is to go home and sleep it off, you resist the temptation to get even more drunk and you head home, leaving the charred letter where you dropped it.
"i didn't need him then, and i don't need him now."
