when she loved me
pairing: wedding photographer jaemin x reader -- engaged!
word count: 1.2k
note: based on my wip my first and last, a social media au!
💿 now playing: "when she loved me" by lyn lapid
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jaemin takes your love for granted. that's what all your friends say. he knew that before his own friends started to lecture him about what it means for him to give you a forever love.
if jaemin takes a moment to count the minutes, hours, days, weeks he spends capturing the magic moments of somebody else's wedding instead of living by your side, a voice that sounds an awful lot like renjun's creeps into his mind to remind hjm that you deserve the world. most of the time, jaemin can dismiss that internal nagging voice with one quick roll of his eyes. he knows what you deserve. most of the time, jaemin doesn't doubt that he can give it to you.
but on days like today when you are separated by an ocean, when you decline all of his facetime requests because you're busy, when you only give a "haha" reaction to his latest text proposing a wedding date, jaemin's mind is tied in knots. his worst thoughts aren't narrated by renjun. instead, they're narrated by jaemin's college freshman self, the of himself who has known what it's like to lose your love.
you and jaemin been in love your whole lives. somehow, he has managed to wreck it only once, when he sabotaged everything with his fear of losing you to jaehyun. it wasn't an entirely irrational fear, jaemin still sometimes insists to jeno. in the few months that you weren't dating jaemin, you were dating jaehyun. and even when you came back to jaemin, it's not like your bridge to jaehyun was completely burned. now, jaehyun owns the arts center where you teach piano lessons. now, when jaemin reaches for a reason why you won't set a date for your wedding, the smallest darkest corner of his mind wonders if you're holding out for someone better, someone older, someone more stable, someone more present, someone like jaehyun.
"you're an idiot," giselle replies instantly whenever jaemin floats that idea in their text thread. but that's her response to everything jaemin says, so it's hard to take it to heart.
after jaemin loads all of his gear into his rental car, he sits behind the wheel. he has time before his gig starts, so he scrolls through his countless pictures of the two of you. maybe he could send one to remind you that you belong with him!
there's a picture of you as children. he's hanging upside down out of your treehouse and you holding him by the ankles; he could send that and write about how you still keep him grounded.
there's a bunch of pictures of the two of you from your first formal high school dance. you're both polished and perfect in the before pictures, but jaemin has always been partial to the after pictures because he thinks your lipstick looks even better all over his cheeks and neck and collar. he could send those and write that he can't wait to be home so you can kiss him again like you did after that dance. or he could write that as beautiful as you looked wearing your favorite color that night, you'll look even more beautiful wearing white on your wedding dress.
or maybe jaemin should pick something more recent. quickly, he scrolls past the college pictures. he still hates the reminders of your time apart. the last time he was home, he helped you bake treats for the art center's fundraiser. he made sure to take a bunch of pictures of you two in your matching pink polka dotted aprons. in all of the pictures, jaemin is smiling for the cameras but you--suddenly, jaemin realizes that you were smiling for him. his heart flutters, and his mouth goes dry, and he forgets whatever he might have written about wanting to lick chocolate off your lips next time you're in the kitchen together.
in your text thread, he begins to type: i think i've made myself homesick looking at pictures of us. whenever i'm gone on these jobs abroad, i tell myself that i'm doing what's best for us. i'm making money to support us. but i think if you told me you'd be happier if i worked closer to home, i'd never get on a plane again. i think if you told me we could set our wedding date when i get home, i'd find some way to get home yesterday. if any part of you thinks i take your love for granted, i'd try anything to show you that all my favorite moments of life are the ones when you loved me.
while jaemin is still texting, before he can press send, he receives a new message from you.
y/n: i bet you're getting ready for your gig now, so i've officially missed every chance to see your handsome face today 😔 if you're driving, that's definitely NOT an invitation to facetime me while you're on the road!! i'm home for the night, and i thought i should let you know that i hateeee how quiet is is when you're not here. maybe i don't tell you as much as i used to, jaem, but i will ALWAYS love you. i know that bc i literally have always loved you lol. i'm pretty sure i have pictures of us in diapers and in love.
memorizing your text after a reading it just once, jaemin facetimes you.
you answer with a smile. your smile quickly fades as you ask, "are you in the car?"
"i'm not driving!" jaemin clarifies quickly. "i'm about to go to work, but i just--" he comes within an inch of joking that he wanted to make sure you got to see his handsome face. but the sight of you makes something in his chest ache, so joking doesn't feel right. he asks, "what are the chances you'll marry me the second my flight lands tomorrow?"
jaemin is serious. he knows you must know that, but you laugh anyway. that smallest, darkest corner of his mind wants to pin this as proof that you're not ready to marry him or you'll never be ready to marry him. he tries to brush that off with a laugh.
"i doubt the airport is on the list of renjun-approved locations," you say matter-of-factly. then, you whisper, "but what renjun doesn't know won't hurt him."
while your smile makes jaemin's heart do cartwheels, the two of you trade daydreams about eloping at the airport tomorrow afternoon. mark will officiate because, surely, he has the authority to do that. jeno has to be there; he's the best man, after all. you figure your friends will riot if only your maid of honor, winter, is there. and even more than bemoaning an airport wedding, renjun would detest an airport wedding he wasn't invited to. and jisung would deny it, but he would cry it you got married without inviting him. so, within five minutes, your intimate airport elopement has evolved into a full-blown wedding ceremony!
all the while, jaemin knows that you deserve the real deal. jaemin knows that you deserve more than nostalgia and daydreams. and he has to believe that he's the one who can give that to you.
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