#returned missionary

[pimo-and-sad-about-it]

Alrighty, this is going to be long, but I accidentally agreed to go to Desert Book today, and OH BOY do I have a lot to say.

I just moved back to Utah, and okay sure, it's been a while. I just don't think I ever realized before how WEIRD Utah culture is. It's hard to believe I ever thought this was normal, tbh. And nowhere is the weirdness of it all more obvious than in Desert Book.

For those who don't know, Desert Book is an LDS bookstore where you can get scriptures, scriptural coloring books/toys for kids, and ofc your holy underwear. It's weird as hell, and I found quite a few things in there while wandering around today that I just had to share.

First of all, the T-shirts. These are harmless enough, and actually pretty funny in the Mormon (or at least Utah for the first one) culture. Very silly, and yet they still bring me some degree of annoyance for unknown reasons.

Next we have the Lego temple sets! Because who doesn't want to build their own...

Next we have children's toys with missionaries and Book of Mormon heroes, most of which are white (naturally). Because ofc, what kid doesn't want to play with Nephi and his missionary buddies?

Now here's where it gets more concerning. TSCC is HUGE on agency and people CHOOSING to enter the church. There's a whole chapter in the Book of Mormon about how baby baptisms are an abomination. And yet, everyone seems so sure that 8 year olds are perfectly accountable and ready to make decisions that will supposedly affect their eternity. But let's be real, no eight year old is going to say no when their parents have been hyping them up for it for years and all their friends are doing it, too. At that point, it's not a choice, not really. Just a few days ago I watched my brother-in-law practice "baptizing" my niece, who is not yet three!

Last but certainly not least. The pressure for kids (specifically boys) to go on missions is UNREAL. You can get these piggy banks and make sure your little kids pay tithing first, save for the mission second, and THEN they can use their own money for fun. The book with the little boy preparing for his mission on the cover? In the nonfiction section, btw.

Anyway, the other thing I wanted to mention but forgot to take a picture of was that they literally had a BYU creamery where you could buy ice cream inside the bookstore. Maybe there's nothing wrong with it, per se, it's just so weird and so Utah that I'm not even surprised.

So yeah. That's how my day's going.

[theworthofsouls]

From Full-time to Member

Adjustments in Missionary Roles - The Quiet RM Part 21

I was no longer a full-time missionary, and I couldn’t be happier knowing I wouldn’t have to knock on stranger’s doors all day. I did teach lessons with the sisters in my home stake, but I realized just how much of the mantle of missionary work had left me. 

I have a testimony that being set apart is so important for callings. While I was a missionary, I recognized that although I was still recognizably quiet and still had a few panic attacks, overall I was able to handle a lot more than I could have on my own. There were days that would have devastated me completely (and there were definitely a few that almost sent me home), but overall I had a strength when it came to talking about the gospel.

The very first time I taught, however, I was terrified. I came into a home and was expected to help teach the first lesson, and my hands were sweaty and I couldn’t wait until I was out. I had such a hard time connecting to others, and I felt like a failure as a fresh RM who wanted nothing to do with teaching lessons. 

Since coming to BYU I don’t have many experiences with the missionaries, but I realized that there is a different kind of missionary work that I could do. Especially here in Provo, it is very likely that everyone you meet is LDS (which still blows my mind sometimes). However, I have plenty of non-member friends back home, plenty of converts I could contact again, less-active members I can reach out to. We have “Re-connect nights” which encourages the use of social media to reach out to those we already know - not even with the expectation to teach a priniciple, but just to simply connect to those we haven’t talked to in a while, which often leads to missionary experiences.

If you are struggling to feel motivated when it comes to teaching formal lessons, you are not alone. Thankfully, we have been blessed with multiple resources so that we can stay in contact with others across the world to continue in the missionary spirit. 

[calledtosacramento-blog]

Just FYI...

I’m back. 

Hello. I returned from the California Sacramento Mission back in April 2017. I am working on a couple of posts to update everyone on what went down, but any of you preparing to serve are more than welcome to shoot me a message or an ask! 

[theworthofsouls]

Reconnecting

Catching up with EVERYONE - The Quiet RM Part 19

For me, one of the most challenging things about coming home was feeling like I needed to talk to everyone at once. Old friends, extended family, people from my mission, and on top of all that meeting new people in my single’s ward. It was almost crippling when I first got home, and is still something that stresses me out a ton.

I went in stages, responding to messages and comments on Facebook, skyping my high school friends, calling the members back in Arkansas. But because I was so burnt out by the end of my mission, the last thing I wanted to do was talk. I would have been fine if I was just alone for a month. (For those unfamiliar with my story, here’s the rest of the series.) 

I was always told that coming home would be weird because you wouldn’t have someone with you at all times, but it was on of the things I really enjoyed. I didn’t have a room, though, so those moments were few. I suppose it was kinda weird when I was alone in the living room with my sister’s boyfriend, but I got over that pretty quick as well.

After what seemed like eons, I finally caught up with everyone. But that was the only point I felt relief, because my goal of contacting an individual every month was overwhelming, and then I kept putting it off. I have gone many months at a time without talking to my converts, and I feel so guilty, and when I finally reach out it always starts with “Sorry I’m so bad at keeping in contact.” 

At this point, over 2 years since I’ve been home, I’ve pretty much accepted that I am bad at long-distance relationships. It’s been over a year that I have talked to most of the people from Arkansas, and some days it really gets me down. 

However, last summer I visited Tennessee to see a member get married and sealed, during which time I realized my first convert from Arkansas had moved to that area. It was such a blessing to see her. I was worried because she was living with her boyfriend and smoking, and I thought for sure that it was my fault for not keeping in contact.

She caught me off guard when she said that one day she felt like she needed to prepare to go to the temple, and realized a couple of days later that one of her friends was engaged. “I am convinced that God gave me that prompting so that I could go to her wedding!” She talked about doing her grandmother’s work, and there was a light in her eyes. 

She told me she was really trying to quit smoking again, as evidenced by her e-cigarette (in which she was able to reduce the nicotine in stages), and she was aware that she couldn’t be living with her boyfriend. she knew all of the right things and was making her way to the temple. She was the one to reach out to the sisters when she moved, something that I had rarely seen in that mission.

Basically, I learned that it is okay that I can’t catch up with everyone, even my converts. I know I should still try to reach out where possible, but I have a new faith that God is watching over them - I am not the only one concerned about them.

[theworthofsouls]

The Great Balancing Act

What Is My Purpose? - The Quiet RM Part 20

One of the most challenging things right when you get home is the loss of direction. Stuck without a job and waiting for five months for the next semester to start is a tricky place to be.

Trying to keep the missionary spirit while also not being an obnoxious RM, I tried to find good ways to spend my time, like going to institute and YSA activities. I was probably way too focused on dating, and by that I mean I was so terrified of the thought of it that I over analyzed my every encounter with a guy. (I eventually got over this, thankfully.)

Most of the time, however, I just felt empty. I tried editing some videos before returning to school so I wasn’t totally out of practice, and I was kind of obsessed with TED talks, convinced I was going to be a great, outgoing leader one day (that has yet to happen).

The one thing that I would advise RM’s to do is to find something that gives you purpose outside of going on splits with the local elders/sisters. try to find a job if you have enough time,  try studying something, start a new hobby, something so that you aren’t left idle when all of your family is gone during the day. This not only guards from dangerous environments that could lead to addiction, but it is a sure way from feeling as empty. Filling the mission-shaped hole in your heart may take a while, but if you have a purpose, it makes the transition so much easier. 

[iwillgoiwilldo]

6 Things Returned Sister Missionaries Should NEVER Forget

[calledtosacramento-blog]

I am not “quietly strong”.

I have mixed feelings about hearing and reading stories of other people’s hardship and trials and how they overcame them. On the one hand, it can be comforting to know that I’m not the only one who has had horrible things happen to them for no reason at all, let alone a good reason. On the other hand, however, it seems like these people who go through these difficult and often traumatic things, always handle their trails with ‘quiet strength’ or ‘dignified grace’ or ‘humble courage’ or something along those lines. And everyone around them is so impressed by this ‘quiet strength’. It seems to be a pretty important factor in trying to handle your trials in faith. To me, it feels like everyone expects you to be ‘quietly strong’ as your world falls apart, as long as you have faith. 

Here’s the thing. When I felt like my world was shattered, I was at a peak of my spiritual health and well being. I was worthily and wholeheartedly serving a full-time mission for Pete’s sake. And so, naturally, everyone expected me to take this horrible thing that had been handed to me, and see the bright side, turn to the Lord, and continue with ‘dignified grace’ in my new circumstances. 

Well, I didn’t. 

I was angry. I was bitter and frustrated and hurt and mean and tired and I eventually gave up. Before giving up I did everything I could think of to handle this how I had been taught to. I poured over the scriptures and prayed almost constantly. I went to every church meeting and activity and I served in any way I could find for a month. And I didn’t feel any better. Then I had surgery. I tried to stay strong and to be humble and dignified, but I was sick of it. I was in more pain, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, than I had ever been in in my entire life. And I was feeling no relief. 

So I let myself hurt. I would lie on the couch, with my leg strapped into an extremely painful machine to force it to bend and straighten, for hours just sobbing. I completely gave up. I stopped praying and reading the scriptures. I stopped trying so hard to be good. And nothing got better because I stopped trying, but nothing got worse either. And I stopped being disappointed in God. 

Eventually, the pain eased, and as it did, I was able to start doing the things that I needed to again. And it took a long time, but I have rebuilt my faith and my testimony. I am still not where I was a year ago before I was sent home. But I survived and I’m okay. But I definitely was not quiet or dignified or humble or graceful about the way that I healed. But I did what was best for me and I have the potential to be better now because of it. Take what you will from this little rant, but you can never get far enough away from God that it becomes impossible to work your way back. He is never out of reach. I promise.