I’m not going to present arguments for why the boys don’t have certain attachment styles, but rather present which attachment style I think they do have and then expand on that. You can read more on attachment styles here and the definition here, but I’ll explain a little.
From birth, the type of attachment we have with our primary caregiver is essential for how we interact with the world. We often talk about “safe bases”, and how feeling safe with your primary caregiver is the foundation from which you then explore the world. In an experiment by Mary Ainsworth (Strange Situation), the children did not want to play or explore in the room when the mother left the room. It’s knowing that there is a safe base to come back to, that helps with the exploration. How does this further affect us in life?
Well, the attachment style we internalize is the one that becomes part of our internal working model of attachment – which is a theoretical model in us that shows up in our relationships throughout life. You’ve probably heard about people who have a tough childhood, and then they later end up in abusive relationships as well.
So, back to Sam and Dean. What is interesting with these boys is that for most of their childhood, they only have a single parent. But despite John being the adult and the parent, I argue that Sam and Dean develop different attachment styles.
Let’s start with Dean. Let’s assume that before Mary’s death, four-year-old Dean had a safe attachment to both of his parents. He was safe and knew he could explore the world. After Mary’s death, John becomes a strict authoritarian parent who’s low in warmth and high in control. There’s also now the new threat of monsters that young Dean must wrap his head around as well as losing his mother, while John is retreating into this angry revenge-driven person. Dean’s attachment to John, as shown from season 1, looks very much like an anxious-avoidant attachment style. Typical for this attachment style is the fact that the child does not show distress when the primary caregiver leaves, avoids them, and learns to take care of their needs on their own. This is typical of children who have unavailable and neglecting parents. Such children are found to be low in confidence and less likely to express emotions. They also struggle to seek help. Sound familiar?
I do believe Dean later develops a secure attachment with Bobby, although it took him time. He avoided any kinds of attachments outside of family in the start, being wary of everyone around him (like Ellen and Jo), because experience taught him that people can’t be relied upon. Dean always tries to meet his own needs and not rely on anyone else. It’s remarkable and sweet that he slowly lets himself rely on Bobby.
Let’s turn to Sam. I believe that from birth Sam would have a secure attachment style with Mary, which is brutally ripped away from him as well. As a baby, it would be even harder to not have the secure person. It could be that Sam, like Dean, also has an anxious-avoidant attachment to John as a toddler, but it makes more sense that he has an anxious-resistant attachment. Such children are upset when the caregiver is not there, but when the caregiver comes back, they reject comfort as the child finds the caregiver’s leaving unpredictable. I believe maybe Sam was like this towards John, because even in Season 1 it is clear Sam doesn’t want to get attached too much, he’s keeping a distance between himself and his family, expecting things to go sideways. He wants his father’s love, but butts heads with him and resists him.
Although I do think he had this kind of attachment to John, I don’t believe it became internalized as much. Because he also had Dean. We see Sam being taken care of Dean since he was a toddler, being left alone with his older brother. Unconsciously, he leans on Dean for his needs to be met. As he grows older, we see that he gives his present to John (the amulet) to Dean, another show of regarding Dean highly and closely as a caregiver. Sam seems to have a secure attachment to Dean; he can rely on Dean, his “safe base”, and because of that he is confident in exploring the world. Although Dean can’t obviously meet all of Sam’s needs as a child himself, I do think he met enough that created a secure attachment in Sam. For example, Sam can talk to Dean about how he’s feeling (more so as Dean grows up too), he knows Dean will protect him no matter what. Dean held space for Sam to explore different things - play soccer, be a theatre kid etc.
The difference in their primary caregiver and attachment style is so interesting. It’s even more clear when we see how the boys are after John and Bobby’s death. They’re both utterly devastated, but Sam is able to slowly move on after a while. He wants to call Bobby’s phonebook and inform people, but Dean does not want to do anything. This isn’t to say the deaths weren’t hard on Sam – he’s just coping a bit better. I find this interesting because it shows that as long as Dean is there, Sam feels safe. Everything could be burning, but having his older brother, that’s a kind of security that Dean does not have. Dean has his brother, of course, but he is used to not leaning on anyone, especially not his younger brother (because it is ‘his responsibility to take care of Sam’, and not vice versa). Dean doesn’t have a caregiver he can lean on.
Another interesting scene is in the hospital in 2x01, when Dean is in a coma (and is wandering as a ghost). The doctor comes in and says that John will be fine – Dean immediately says, “thank god”, while Sam says, “Doc, what about my brother?”
I also find it interesting when it comes to Bobby that for Sam, there is no intense need to replace his primary caregiver (Dean), he already has a secure attachment. But Dean doesn’t have that, and so when he finds that with Bobby, he holds onto that. Just this scene from 6x02 when they are asked about the shifter baby’s name, Dean says “Bobby” and Sam says “John”. Just found that particularly interesting, how Dean’s attachment with Bobby is safer than his attachment with John.
[This is just a side note, I do think that Sam’s attachment style with John – anxious-resistant, does come into play in his internal working model of attachment. Especially because it gets reinforced when the relationships around him turn out to be falsely constructed (Brady), and the close relationships end up in deaths (Jessica). It’s not that he doesn’t have good relationships with people, it’s just that he keeps them at a distance. Unlike Dean, who takes time to let them in, but once he does, he is craves closeness, for example with Castiel, Charlie, Bobby]
I could literally go in-depth for both Sam and Dean, as well as how their attachment style also affects how they view themselves
