Safe Haven shitpost story ā”
"How about we think of the necessities! First, a place to live-"
Heaven looks at Millia, her face suddenly grows cold. "No, Heav, you are not welcome here."
Millia glares at him, causing Heaven to give up. "Fine⦠Iāll work for it. Already have a job anyway-"
"Wait, really?! Already?! Where?!"
Heaven smiles nervously, suddenly they are at the Incubus Inn. Sexy demon men are dancing everywhere.
"wHAT?! HEAVEN, WHAT THE HELL?!"
"They had a help wanted flyer! I got the job somehow!! Itās easy money-"
"So, youāre just gonna sell your body away?!"
"Well hey, more ass means more cash!" Heaven walks to a back room.
The manager grabs Heavenās ass as he walks by, "Nice of you to come, sugarplum~"
Heaven laughs uncomfortably, "Ahhh, would be rude not to!"
The manager smirks, winking, then walks elsewhere. Heaven sneaks into the back room, where strippers are getting ready. Some were injecting their chests to make them bigger, others were doing hair/makeup, some were even walking around naked.
Heaven watches a naked man walk past him, "Hard for the sun to not shine on that-"
He goes into a changing room with his name on it. He sees skimpy clothes on dressers, in closets, and some chokers with leashes. He found a few whips and almost got sick. Nervously, he put on a nice orange, webby thong of sorts. He looked into the mirror, "⦠Wow⦠I am extremely fat-"
Heaven walks out and suddenly all the men look at him, "⦠Hi boys?-"
The men start to crowd a nervous Heaven, then it cuts to Millia. A stripper tried to dance with Millia, who was sitting at a table pissed off.
"Get lost, Iām not here to have unprotected sex."
The stripper looks angry, then stomps off. Millia sighs, looking around, then noticed Heaven happily chatting with a group of strippers.
"Then the boy asked, ā'Then why is the man wearinā all black?'ā Heaven and the strippers laugh hysterically. "See?! I knew that joke was funny!"
Millia walks in front of them, "Heaven⦠?"
"Oh, Millia! You wonāt believe this, but these strippers are surprisingly very down to earth!! Theyāre so funny and sweet, like-" He pulls out a gift basket, "They gave me a gift basket!!"
Suddenly a voice spoke on the intercom; "Single ladies and horny gents, welcome a new addition to our humping family! The Heavenly Tango Tarantula!"
A stripper looks at them, "Youāre on, dollface."
Millia legit screams, "wHAT?!"
Millia huffs, "On?! He just got the job!"
"Yeah! Shouldnāt I do somethinā a little less.. Intense?"
Another stripper piped in, "Itās tradition for the big boss to fire up the newcomers. He gets the newest babe to work in front of a crowd and sees how well received he is. If he does poorly, heās waiter duty. If he does well, he performs more often!"
Millia growls, "Thatās fucking bogue!"
The first stripper grunts, "You donāt think we already know that?"
A third stripper hugs Heaven, "Awe, relax! Youāll do great, hun! Just go up there and shake what your mama gave ya!"
Heaven nervously laughs, "Easy for you to say.. You arenāt goinā up there practically naked in front of unfaithful husbands and bachelorette parties."
Heaven walks up to the stage, the crowd cheers loudly. He nervously pokes the pole, and the crowd went wild immediately. Heaven looks disgusted, "Jesus! All I did was touch the damn thing!"
The doors quietly open, the chime of the bells being drowned out by the screaming customers. A gang is shown walking in, with Calienteās silhouette following in the middle. Caliente looks around, "Are you sure he walked in here?"
Hatchet smiles, "I am as certain as my mom was when she threw me out, boss!"
One gang member asks, "Aināt that him right there?"
They all look up to see Heaven struggling.
Caliente stares, "Good god."
Hatchet growls, "Is he fuckinā pole dancing?"
The gang member shrugs, "Apparently."
Hatchet tsks, "Fuckinā- Why?!"
A quieter member spoke up, "It is easy money."
Caliente glares at them, "Quiet you fools, weāre ābout to get spotted-"
Another gang member commented, "Yeah, but the crowd of unfaithful husbands and bachelorette parties are basically blocking us from view."
Caliente sighs, "well then-"
Hatchet groans, "Why canāt we just go on and attack him?!"
Caliente responds swiftly, "Too many witnesses, this is an inside job. We gotta keep it on the down low."
Hatchet mumbles about how unfair it is. Caliente looks around the room and suddenly spots a sprinkler above a fire extinguisher on the ceiling. He motions to Hatchet, "You see that?"
Hatchet looks in the direction, starts to nod while smiling, "Oh yes, I see it! Great idea, boss!"
Caliente smiles evilly, snickering. Hatchet starts to laugh.
The manager walks up to the strippers, "So, howās my tarantula doing?"
Millia motions at Heaven, "Go see for yourself."
The manager spots Heaven pathetically trying to dance, and he regrets his decision. "Oh, the man isnāt going to like this! I gotta figure out something!" He looks around for an idea.
One of the strippers pipes in, "How ābout you just replace him with a better dancer?"
"I got it! Iāll just replace him with a better dancer!" The manager heads onto stage.
"Thatās literally what I just said."
Another stripper comforts the other, while the Manager joins Heaven on stage.
Heaven looks confused, "What are you doing up here?!"
Manager whispers, "Saving my hide!"
He looks at the audience, "Well everybody, since the night is short, we shall be saying goodbye to our Heavenly Tango Tarantula! We shall now replace him with the usual dancers, starting with Pointy Prick!"
One stripper in the distance shouts, "Oh, come the fuck on!"
Heaven looks offended, "Hey, now Iām a little offended you just assume I canāt pole dance, because I obviously canāt pole dance!"
Manager man laughs, "Iām trying to benefit everyone, the man, myself, the dancers, and the audience. You obviously arenāt fit for dancer duty."
"What?! So now I gotta be on waiter duty?!"
Manager winks, "Youāll fit the position wonderfully. Your multiple arms would make it easier to carry orders. Besides, you can get even closer with the audience!~"
Heaven crosses his arms, "No sir, and fuck you, I stressed out too much to have this dancing gig be thrown out the fucking window! Iām gonna finish my pathetic dance and thatās that!"
"Nothing in Hell will allow you to continue your dance!-"
Hatchet suddenly smacks the manager in the head with the fire extinguisher.
Caliente suddenly shouts out of the crowd, "hATCHET, WHAT THE FUCK?!"
Hatchet looks at him, "What?"
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"
"⦠Iām doing the plan, boss. Whack him with the extinguisher! ⦠Was- ⦠Was that not the plan?"
Caliente was fuming, "YOU IDIOT, I WAS TALKING ABOUT THE SPRINKLER!!"
Hatchet looks over to spot the sprinkler, "⦠oohhhhhh-"
Caliente waves his arms, "hATCHEEETT!!"
"I'm on it, don't worry boss!" Hatchet then throws the fire extinguisher at the sprinkler and it goes off. The crowd screams, some running out while others strip in the ārainā. The gang starts to leave, but Caliente stops to stop Hatchet hugging the fire extinguisher:
"⦠Hatchet, why the fuck do you have that?"
Hatchet looks bashful, "Well, I thought we could keep it? I mean, I really like it-"
Caliente growls, "Get rid of it, now!"
Hatchet tosses it aside, sadly, and they run off. Heaven staring out into the room, he then looks down at the knocked out manager.
I Hope you enjoy!! ā”ā”