#social tips

[slfcare]

When I was younger, I was in love with the idea of moving out to a lone island and never speaking to anyone again. I wasn’t good at talking, physically, nor did conversations come easy to me, so I kept quiet and I was totally fine with that. But while the people closest to me rolled their eyes at my wishes (again, lone island), nobody told me how talking to people was fun. Nobody told me how nice of a feeling it was to feel a new friendship blossom, to have inside jokes with people, to hand out compliments and get them back, to ask questions to people who are excited about having the answers, to remember something that someone mentioned last time and make them feel heard, to flatter people, to share slightly embarrassing facts and be able to laugh about them, to have people to say hi and bye to. It took me years and years and years to gather the courage to speak, but it was so worth it. It’s so much fun.

[alexandraisyes]

Hey chat today's socialization tip is that making fun of someone's disorder is fucking ableist. If you don't have the disorder then don't make jokes about it. Having a disorder that's "similar" doesn't give you clearance to make jokes about it.

As someone with ASPD. I wouldn't make an insulting joke about someone who has NPD, OCPD, or ScPD in regard to their disorder. That would be fucking rude. Just because I have a personality disorder it doesn't give me clearance to make fun of someone else for their personality disorders. Same thing with any other disorder.

[unidentifiedlyingobject]

'How was your day?'

unoriginal. vague. generalised.

Alternative:

Evil, ominous, creative; gets people involved and enthused, and sounds assertive without coming across as aggressive. Ticks all the communication boxes, I shall sit here and watch as society changes to use this phrase daily.

[finchiscompletelyfine]

Does anyone have helpful tips for socializing without seeming like you're secretly three dachshunds on top of each other in a trench coat? I’m starting school as the new person again tomorrow and I’m terrified.

[the-jesus-pill]

Is there a word for missing being in a shitty religion because it made you feel like you had a purpose? I dunno, it's just. I know it's a cult now, I never want to go back, but fuck if I don't miss actually Knowing who I am and what I'm supposed to do and feeling like I belong somewhere. Is that a thing that usually happens? Do you have any resources for dealing with it? I hope this isn't an inappropriate question.

This is normal! I haven't been a part of the church for probably more than a decade and sometimes I still wonder if I'd be happier being part of something where if you say the right things and make the right decisions you will be accepted, praised and loved.

It's both the positive and partially the negative of leaving - now you can decide who you want to be, what you want to do, who your friends are.

I think everyone who leaves a community, whether that community was religious or otherwise, whether it was healthy or not, experience this feeling of 'well, what do I do now?'

But the good news is that there will always be another group for you, whether you find them right away or not. Humans are social animals, and there are people who want you in their lives as much as you want to be in theirs. Finding them is the difficult part but it's so rewarding when you do.

My advice is find out what you like or what you want to learn and see if there is a community for it nearby!

This can be paid lessons like dancing, yoga, hiking groups, learning music or other languages, or it can be hobbies like cosplay, table top roleplaying, crafting, theater, etc. Learning a sport or doing local activism can also be a good way to get to know others (although be careful with activism, while it's a very good cause, it should not be a hobby and it can have its own complications)

If there's nothing in your immediate local area, try online communities! Online book clubs, writing groups, fandoms and roleplaying, music appreciation are good examples to start, lots of people there and many of them looking for newcomers to share their passions with.

Check out your local library or fandom stores (like comic book or cosplay shops) for smaller events - and Reddit has a lot of communities for basically anything you can come up with.

Feeling like you don't have a place is a very common feeling, even amongst those who aren't apostates. Everyone feels self conscious about not having enough friends - or not having ANY friends. We're told we need to belong somewhere to matter.

But in truth you have all the time in the world to find your people. You might find a group of friends and then it doesn't work out - friends leave or there are falling outs and it can feel like you're not cut out to have relationships. It's normal to not immediately find your soulmates, your BFFs, your found family on the first try. Keep trying! They are out there.

Edit: I recommend reading this article! Ask Polly: How Am I Supposed To Make Friends In My Late 20s?

[archaicstupid]

Get a sword. It’s a great conversation starter

[ablednt]

I have this one friend who keeps triggering my RSD, not intentionally, obviously. But today it was already pretty bad and that just made it worse. Do you have any tips on breaching the subject to other AD(H)D people who probably don't know about it?

[Dial up sounds as my brain starts working]

I've mostly only talked to people about them having triggered my RSD if they know what it is already but to start off ask them if they know what it is and if they don't explain it to them. You can explain it like:

"I'm used to people being mad at me and not knowing why cause I can't pick up on social cues and since that happened a lot my brain to try and avoid upsetting people overreacts to things and tries to convince me I'm a bad person based on the tiniest shit. It's called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria and it's kind of a mix of intrusive thoughts and an anxiety attack and it's really frustrating."

Since they have ADHD also if I'm reading this right then it's good to keep in mind they likely also have RSD so the trick is to talk to them in a way that won't trigger theirs too badly which I've had successfully done both to others and had done to me and to avoid it it usually is more or less like this:

Ask them if they're okay to talk about things then, this is to make sure that they're feeling safe and not upset about something else already. Avoid cryptic questions/statements like "we need to talk." bc those are anxiety inducing. It's good to be clear "Are you feeling okay rn to talk about something important? I need to get something off my chest and set some boundaries."

So once they say yes and you both feel as comfortable as possible try to be as concise as you can, when you're going over the situation (or multiple situations) that triggered your RSD, first explain what happened from your POV and then explain how it made you feel and why it's upsetting. Then give them a chance to explain their POV (not to argue with yours this shouldn't be a debate/argument this should be calm first by talking objectively then by expressing your feelings.) Even if their point of view conflicts with your own that's ok neither of you are in the wrong here you just need to work on communication. You want to be able to understand what they felt at the time but not invalidate yourself on instinct.

Before you even contact them you need to have a goal in mind, what you want them to do. So that could be to stop doing something they do a lot that makes you upset or if it's a one off to not do these things in the future. The more there's reasonable actions they can take to make things better for both of you the easier going forward will be. Anyway after you both go over the situation and feel you've discussed enough bring up what you want them to do going forward to make things good as possible. They can also set boundaries of their own here so be ready to compromise but make sure that you both feel safe and satisfied in it.

That's the best way ik to go about this stuff because everyone in the situation needs to feel safe and understood before you can really set clear boundaries. One thing to keep in mind also is if you do the above things and they get angry with you, debate you to either defend themself or attack you, make you feel guilty, or do something to make the situation worse they most likely aren't a good friend. If you truly think it's unintentional like you said before this is unlikely to happen but it deserves mentioning. In my experience if one person manages to trigger my RSD badly enough I notice multiple times/a lot of the time they're probably toxic and your rsd is picking up on it. That isn't a hard rule though so don't be scared to try to try the above steps

Good luck if you need anything else don't hesitate to come back here!