John Winchester’s not going to win any “Number One Dad” awards, you know? But you know... damn if he wasn’t there when we needed him.
10x09 - The Things We Left Behind

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John Winchester’s not going to win any “Number One Dad” awards, you know? But you know... damn if he wasn’t there when we needed him.
10x09 - The Things We Left Behind
10.09. The Things We Left Behind.
Cas, finally going back and picking up one of the things he'd been forced to leave behind in the name of protecting it from his mission-- Jimmy Novak's family. Hannah's words from 10.07 have stuck with him, even if he feels the truth of them in a very different way than Hannah did:
Hannah: I'm sorry Castiel, I'm not going with you. I'm done. It's hard letting go -- the story, the mission. What of the humans, whose lives we sacrifice in the name of that mission, what of them? We always said the humans were our original mission; maybe it's time, Castiel, time to put them first.
And now that he doesn't have a mission for Heaven anymore, he decides to put those humans he'd sacrificed in the name of Heaven first.
And whoa is it a painful journey, one that won't be complete by a long shot by the end of this episode (and will run right through 10.20 when he's finally able to find answers for now-adult Claire and send her into the world with the help of Jody Mills to guide her into her future.
In this episode, Cas calls Sam and Dean for help ensuring Claire's safety. At first, she's just using him as a way to escape "child prison," and almost immediately steals his wallet and bolts on him. Who would be kindly disposed to the guy who stole her father's body when she was 11 and then just... disappeared for years? But because of her very specific, and very weird trauma, having been possessed by Cas herself for a hot minute, again when she was ELEVEN YEARS OLD, and then abandoned by her mother and then left completely alone at the mercy of child services, she repeatedly ran away seeking acceptance wherever she could find it. Unfortunately she fell in with a Very Bad Man who manipulated her and had been ready to literally trade her to an Even Worse Man to pay off his gambling debts... but she didn't know any of this.
(and then without that context she had to watch Dean slaughter the only guy who she believed had cared about her all those years on her own, and yiiiikes... not off on the right foot, but Dean's falling prey to the Mark-- even having premonatory visions of this exact scene of slauter days before it happened)
Plus we have the Burger Date, everything from Dean and Cas just having a moment to catch up, before Dean begs Cas to kill him if the Mark begins to take him over again, because he can't go back to being that demon again.
But on the other side of this episode, we have Rowena. Now that Crowley has found his mother again, they prove that manipulation and power grabbing run in their family:
ROWENA: But I’m here now! We have a second chance. We can be a real family again, Fergus. CROWLEY: CROWLEY! And I have a family. ROWENA: Who? The demons? Any one of them would stab you in the back if they thought they could get away with it. CROWLEY: And you wouldn’t? ROWENA: No! Because we’re family! We’re blood! You can trust me. I can help you! [Crowley gives her a look, and she makes her way up to him] I understand you’re angry. I understand you … hate me. And if you want to keep me locked away, then so be it. But understand that I’ll always be your mother. And I’ll always love you.
And for an episode that uses the word "family" 11 times, from Claire, from Randy, from Rowena and Crowley, from Dean... and Sam and Dean both talk about their own family, and their relationship with their father... yikes, the CBGB story they tell... Poor Sam, I think this might be the first time he's heard the real version of this story.
But Dean and the Mark... Sam begs him to tell him that he didn't have a choice about slaughtering FIVE ARMED MEN, but he really didn't have a choice. Between being terrified of what would've happened to him if he'd lost that fight-- waking up from death as a demon again-- and terrified of letting the Mark power him through the fight to this end... he's just terrified all around anyway... Much like he would be of what Michael would do in s14.
JFC, even this you got wrong
(x)
Nope. When Castiel said this:
No, the human soul it can only occupy a body while it retains a certain structural integrity, and this vessel it was, it was ripped apart on a sub-atomic level by an archangel.
He was referring to LUCIFER doing this to him in Swan Song:
Season FIVE, which had this mention of Jimmy in My Bloody Valentine:
CASTIEL: It’s my vessel— Jimmy. His, uh, appetite for red meat has been touched by Famine’s effect.
Instead of looking for things that aren’t there, pay attention to what is really there, you may actually enjoy the show more.
Hey Mittens, not sure if that's been talked about already and how important it is, but in that last scene when Dean tells Sam and Cas they have to let him go if it comes to it, Cas doesn't actually agree. While Sam gives both verbal and non-verbal confirmation, Cas does neither and can't even look at Dean anymore. Am I interpreting too much into this?
Of course Cas doesn’t actually agree! I mean, yeesh!
10.09:
DEAN: Cas, I need you to promise me something.CASTIEL: Of course.DEAN: If I do go dark side, you got to take me out.CASTIEL: What do you mean?DEAN: Knife me. Smite me. Throw me into the freakin’ sun, whatever. And don’t let Sam get in the way, because he’ll try. I can’t go down that road again, man. I can’t be that thing again.
Cas says nothing in response.
but then in 10.22:
Castiel: Maybe you could fight the mark for years, maybe centuries like Cain did. But you cannot fight it forever, and when you finally turn, and you will turn, Sam and everyone you know, everyone you love, they could be long dead. Everyone except me. I'm the who'll have to watch you murder the world, so if there is even a small chance that we can save you, I won't let you walk out of this room.Dean: Oh. you think you have a choice?Castiel: I think the mark is changing you.Dean: You're wrong.Castiel: Am I? Because the Dean Winchester I know would never have murdered that kid.Dean: Yeah well, that Dean's always been kind of a dick.Castiel: Dean, I don't want to have to hurt you.Dean: I don't think that's going to be a problem
Cas... did absolutely nothing to defend himself from Dean’s attack. He couldn’t hurt Dean, and would’ve stood by and watched him murder the world if he couldn’t save him. D:
That’s why he hasn’t been able to tell Dean about his deal with the Empty. He doesn’t want to put that burden on him.
And like he told Dean in 14.12:
Cas: Dean, if there’s a spark, a hope, then I have to try. You taught me that.
Which brings us back to the 10.09 conversation where Dean insisted he wasn’t a good role model, and Cas told him he definitely was. He’s just proving the point right here, and basically telling Dean to take notes from his own dang lessons. It’s just agonizing all around.
feeling well enough to get back to today’s other tnt loop episodes, starting with 2.11 Playthings, because there’s a lot in here about perception, and expectations vs reality, then having those expectations stood on their head.
Even the very surface level stuff...
-The entire case begins because Sam called Ellen to check up on the search for any more Special Children cases, but instead of that she gives them a lead on a completely unrelated case
-Dean had expected Sam to be all gloomy and guilt-trippy because sending Ava home hadn’t protected her at all, and led to her fiance’s murder and her own disappearance at the hands of demons
-Sam and Dean are a gay couple, mistaken by everyone as “antiquers” until they clarify they’re just brothers... even after Dean admitting to being there for antiquing. Apparently “antiquing” is this hotel’s code for “gay”
-Tyler and Maggie-- Susan 100% believes that Maggie is Tyler’s imaginary friend, and can’t apparently see her, while Sam and Dean seem to believe from the start that Tyler and Maggie are sisters... it later becomes the key that unlocks the mystery, when they comment about Maggie as if she were real and Susan is like “what no she’s not even real.” It’s always made me wonder, do Sam and Dean have some special gift in that they can so often see ghosts in the first place? It seems like they did see Maggie, even when Susan couldn’t.
-the freaky exact replica doll house, complete with doll with broken neck at the bottom of the stairs-- literally a smaller scale representation of everything happening on the larger scale, like the spiral narrative jumping to the next level showing everything that happens on one go-around must happen on the next, except bigger.
-seeing the checkerspot and thinking someone actively doing hoodoo is the cause for the deaths... that someone is magically causing the deaths despite the hoodoo not being effective (no bloodweed in the pot to activate the protective charm... and the fact it was a protective charm to ward off enemies... which if activated could’ve saved the hotel from the people who wanted to buy it and bulldoze it... far more easily than actively murdering those people, which is what was happening)
It turned out it was the fact that the hoodoo protection failed after Rose had her stroke and became unable to hold Maggie back that all their troubles started, and then when Maggie tried to make Tyler into her permanent ghostly play companion, it was oddly enough Sam smashing the window into the pool house with a checkerspot urn that enabled him to save her, when nothing else would allow him through the ghostly lockdown on the building.
Rose fended off Maggie her entire life, and in the end she finally gave in and sacrificed herself in Tyler’s place, choosing to stay with Maggie (her older sister) in death.
The other really interesting thing is Sam’s breakdown that Dean had been expecting at the beginning of the episode, that it’s his inability to save the victim who died hanging in his room while they were there is what drove him to drink. In what seems like a very similar mindset to how both Sam and Dean have talked with Rowena in and since 13.19:
SAM: (slamming the table) No, Dean, you don't understand, all right? The more people I save, the more I can change! DEAN: Change what? SAM (leaning forward, hands to chest): My destiny, Dean!
Aah, destiny, there you are again. and after the confirmation of how this works from Anubis in 14.08, it kinda seems Sam was on the right track here... but it’s not about a math problem-- save x number of people to effect x change in destiny. It’s more about self-perception and motivation rather than a strict tally of heroic or good deeds accomplished. In this case, Sam’s entirely justifiable inability to save someone he didn’t even know was in danger is kinda negated by his own feeling of guilt for not having done more to save him. His intentions and feelings about it matter more in the cosmic tally than successes vs failures.
In his drunken state, Sam begs Dean to live up to the promise John forced on him-- to kill him if he ever “goes bad.”
SAM: (shoving DEAN to face him) Dean! Dad told you to do it, you have to. DEAN: Yeah, well, Dad's an ass. (SAM frowns in confusion) He never should have said anything. I mean, you don't do that, you don't, you don't lay that kind of crap on your kids. SAM: No. He was right to say it! Who knows what I might become? Even now, everyone around me dies! DEAN: Yeah, well, I'm not dying, okay? And neither are you. Come on. Sam. [He pushes SAM onto the bed, but SAM stays seated, reaching up and clutching DEAN'S jacket. DEAN'S right hand curls in the fabric at SAM'S shoulder.] SAM: No, please! Dean, you're the only one who can do it. Promise. DEAN: Don't ask that of me. SAM: Dean, please. You have to promise me. DEAN: (after a beat) I promise.
And this is a HORRIFIC promise to extract from someone who cares for you, and is essentially programmed to do anything under the sun to protect you from the time he was 4 years old. And yet... how many times have they turned this promise on each other, and on Cas? Knife me, smite me, throw me into the freaking sun? Throw me in the box and dump it in the ocean? Yeah, their fear of becoming something they’re not, of being taken over and turned evil is more overwhelming and overpowering than their horror of knowing what it’s like to be on the other side of this Worst Promise Ever.
Hello there. I know that this might sound a bit subversive but I have to ask if I m the only one a bit wirded out about jack's self preservation? I like him don't get me wrong but when he resurected Cas in my opinion it was for protection (against Dean). His want of killing Michael even if it kills Dean (its not the same as for sam and lucifer)
Hi there! I… haven’t heard it phrased quite that way. I think it’s a lot more complicated than this.
First off, Jack didn’t resurrect Cas, and I think this is an incredibly important differentiation to make here. Jack called out to Cas, unconsciously, with his power, and Cas “woke up” from what was supposed to be “eternal sleep” in the Empty. Cas was still effectively trapped there, and would’ve remained trapped there except for the fact that he raised a ruckus and continued to fight against the Empty Entity, until the entity agreed to release him. Jack didn’t make that happen. That was Cas’s fight on his own behalf here. All Jack did was ring the cosmic alarm clock that made the rest of Cas’s fight even possible.
I also have never heard anyone suggest that Cas called out for Cas for “protection” against Dean. I mean… that’s… really reductive. What Jack overheard was this:
Dean: Look, I know you think that you can use him as some sort of an interdimensional can opener, and that’s fine. But don’t act like you care about him, because you only care about what he can do for you. So if you wanna pretend, that’s fine. But me? I can hardly look at the kid. ‘Cause when I do, all I see is everybody we’ve lost.Sam: Mom chose to take that shot at Lucifer. That is not on Jack.Dean: And what about Cas?Sam: What about Cas?Dean: He manipulated him. He made him promises. Said 'Paradise on Earth,’ and Cas bought it. And you know what it got him? It got him dead! Now you may be able to forget about that, but I can’t!
I don’t think his reaction was one of fear, especially considering Jack fear of his own powers and whether his powers potentially made him inherently evil. Dean’s words that Jack overheard weren’t about Dean being afraid of Jack, or hating Jack, but of the personal emotional pain he experiences that in his grief, are all traceable back to Jack. I don’t think Jack is afraid because of this, but heartsick that he might be in any way responsible for this pain he sees/hears/feels from Dean. And he wondered if he might really have been responsible for Cas’s death after all, because he really had no idea.
And I think Jack’s line of thinking regarding killing Michael even if that meant killing Dean too? Yeah, that’s based 100% on his own personal observations OF DEAN, and really on a surface level knowing that– had Dean been there to weigh in on it– Dean would’ve said the exact same thing. Like, back in 10.09, ,when Dean was terrified of what the Mark of Cain could turn him into:
DEAN: If I do go dark side, you got to take me out.CASTIEL: What do you mean?DEAN: Knife me. Smite me. Throw me into the freakin’ sun, whatever. And don’t let Sam get in the way, because he’ll try. I can’t go down that road again, man. I can’t be that thing again.
He even knew Sam would try to save him, and he begged Cas to do it anyway. But we KNOW Jack is serving as a mirror to all of TFW. And we know (from 10.19) that Dean even admitted to himself (via the hallucination of Benny in Purgatory that was actually just a bit of Dean’s subconscious) that he could never really force Sam or Cas to have to kill him, not because they couldn’t or wouldn’t, but BECAUSE IT WOULD BREAK THEM.
BENNY: Oh, I-I’m sorry. I forgot… about your plan. You gonna get Sam and Cas to put you down? You really think that they’re gonna keep that agreement? Come on. Dean, let’s say they do. Do you think they will ever recover from that? It will ruin them. This little backup plan of yours, I know you’ve been thinking about it for a time, I know it’s been gnawin’ at you. You can’t leave that job to them.
Dean had already admitted to himself that he couldn’t put that burden on Sam or Cas, knowing it was a horrific thing to ask of either of them. But when he offered something very similar to Jack in 13.02? It hadn’t been so much a threat as a promise, because Jack WAS terrified that he would become evil, or be manipulated into doing evil things with his power, like Asmodeus nearly tricked him into doing in that episode. He didn’t know enough about his powers or the world to know right from wrong, good from bad. He struggled with those concepts for a good long time, and still does to a degree… But Dean said to Jack the one thing that would’ve given Dean himself comfort back in 10.09– I will not let you go darkside and murder the world. I will be here to stop you if you do.
And yeah, in that moment Jack was afraid, and said as much to Sam, but heck… after that Jack actually began to consciously try to understand his own power (sure in 13.03 he pushed back against Sam’s strict teaching methods and scared himself… but heck, he clearly now understands what Dean was trying to tell him back in 13.02). Remember, this entire confrontation was prefaced by Dean’s horror that Jack would just sit there calmly stabbing himself to watch himself heal again. Dean grabbed the knife from him, protecting Jack from himself, and then took the burden of stabbing himself out of Jack’s hands:
Dean: You know, my brother thinks you can be saved.Jack: You don’t believe that.Dean: No, I don’t.Jack: So… if you’re right?Dean: If I’m right… and it comes to killing you… I’ll be the one to do it.
Dean didn’t say it with malice. He said it with finality. Even though at the time they had no idea if it was even possible to kill Jack by any known means, you know? In Dean Logic, this was supposed to be a comfort, to take this weight of fear off Jack’s shoulders, you know? Because Dean has BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAS THE BLOODY T-SHIRTS TO PROVE IT. From all sides of the coin, going all the way back to John’s orders to him in 2.01– if you can’t save Sam, you’re gonna have to kill him. As the least emotionally invested person in Jack at that time, Dean stepped up and announced he would do the do should it become a Jack Murdering the World situation.
Because Dean knew himself in 10.22 that Cas could never follow through and put him out of his misery:
Castiel: Maybe you could fight the mark for years, maybe centuries like Cain did. But you cannot fight it forever, and when you finally turn, and you will turn, Sam and everyone you know, everyone you love, they could be long dead. Everyone except me. I’m the who’ll have to watch you murder the world, so if there is even a small chance that we can save you, I won’t let you walk out of this room.
Cas would’ve stayed by his side to bear witness to Dean’s ultimate destruction rather than kill him. And that’s why Dean walked out. He knew he had no failsafe, that he was essentially doomed to destroy the universe, and nobody would stop him (and he knew he couldn’t stop himself– Cain became what he was when he tried to take his own life with the First Blade and was reborn as a demon, after all… Dean couldn’t kill himself… which is why he went to Death in 10.23).
So yeah, to Dean? That statement would’ve been a comfort.
But let me underscore this point too: DEAN POSSESSED BY MICHAEL IS NOT THE SAME AS MoC DEAN “GOING DARKSIDE” OR JACK “TURNING EVIL BECAUSE OF HIS POWERS.”
Honestly? In the depths of his possession, drowning and failing to claw his way to the surface, we don’t know if Dean would’ve begged for death or begged for life. When he’d said yes, it had been in part to save Jack’s life (as well as Sam’s, as well as ensuring that Lucifer was stopped now that he had Jack’s immense nephilim power source and was intent on destroying the world as we know it). For all Dean knew, Lucifer had already killed Jack and Sam, but he knew he had to try to save them. And I think Jack does bear some measure of personal guilt over this fact. He’d been the one to trust Lucifer. He’d felt confident enough in his own power not to see how Lucifer was ready to betray him for standing up to him.
Jack’s already lamented the loss of his powers because he was unable to save Dean or defeat Michael.
I in no way think Jack’s insistence that Cas accept that he might have to kill Dean in order to defeat Michael was predicated on a fear of Dean. Or even on anger at Dean for having said yes to Michael. But Jack’s understanding of humanity, and his understanding of right and wrong, good and evil, is… not fully developed yet. We’re watching him go through the emotional equivalent of adolescence here, considering he was ready to run away from home because he didn’t think he should be treated like a kid in 14.03. He may have been parroting back things he’s heard Dean say in similar situations before, but he doesn’t understand the nuance.
Also, Cas needed to hear that from the other side of the table, you know? Just as Cas was unable to verbalize his objections to killing Dean back in s10, now he’s had a chance to have considered that scenario. He knows how Dean (and Sam, but we’re talking about killing Dean specifically here, so I’m gonna pin this one on Dean for now) had been willing to stay by his side and fight Ramiel in 12.12 despite having no real hope for his survival. They refused to give up on him. And in 12.10, Dean had a chance to banish Ishim and save himself, but the risk that Cas wouldn’t survive being banished was too much and Dean had essentially surrendered his own life even on the uncertain chance that saving himself might hurt or even kill Cas. So. In 14.02:
Jack: Cas, Michael has to be stopped.Castiel: I know, and he will be, after Dean is –Jack: No, Dean doesn’t matter. You’re all so focused on trying to save Dean. And I get it, I understand, but if he can’t be saved, if it comes down to him or Michael… Michael has to be stopped. Caged or killed –Castiel: And if that means that Dean dies, too?Jack: Then Dean dies. I know this Michael. I’ve seen what he’s done to an entire world, and so have you. If stopping that from happening here means that Dean has to die, then… Do you think he’d want it any other way?
Cas… really has to think about that… because this isn’t a question with an easy answer. Jack makes it sound so simple, but Cas knows from personal experience that it is in no way that simple.
Jenny, he is not ready to be a father
Cas could see it plain as day back in 11.06 (thank you Bobo Berens)...
So let’s highlight this from 10.09 (by Andrew Dabb):
SANDY: I don’t do well with liars, Mr. Novak. CASTIEL: But— SANDY: Save it. I’m denying your application for custody. I’m not trying to be the bad guy here. I’m not. But until Claire turns eighteen, she is my responsibility. I know you’re trying to do what you think is best. I know you want to be her friend. CASTIEL: I do. SANDY: And that’s our problem, Mr. Novak. Claire’s troubled. The last few years have not been easy for her. And she doesn’t need a friend; she needs a father.
Cas tried anyway, and failed miserably. He’s got the best intentions, but we all know where those lead...
And now Cas isn’t even technically ~alive~ and has already had this burden placed on him yet again, by Jack.
It’ll be interesting to see if he’s any more ready for it this time around. Once he’s, you know... alive again...
Gas n Sip exteriors through the years
7.03: (meta i wrote about this particular Gas N Sip)
7.22:
8.08:
9.06:
9.18: (technically during Cas’s Metatron-induced vision)
10.01:
10.15 (ironically the episode I have playing in the background... and so far the earliest instance of the burgundy Gas n Sip sign yet, though the employees still wear their blue vests):
11.04: (it’s hard to get a clear screencap of the exterior, but the sign is blue)
12.16:
13.03 (spoiler alert i guess? :P)
Bonus: 4.02, the Save N Gas, because color schemes, and I always wondered if this chain was conglomerated under the Gas N Sip banner during the reign of Dick:
Bonus 2: 8.22 (not a Gas n Sip, but the clerk wears a blue vest anyway)
Bonus 3: 9.22 (not an exterior, but still...)
Bonus 4: The Snack n Sip in 10.09 where the dude wears a burgundy vest