it's a stage three day
i'm filled with what if's and maybe's today.
My brain is in a constant loop of everything you said when things ended. the promises, the words i had been waiting to hear for so long. but with them came the acknowledgement of your betrayal. of how my love felt disposable. like something you could take for granted. It came with the realization that you could forget how your actions affected me as if you weren't my entire world. it came with the acceptance like i was never going to matter as much to you as you mean to me, and that waiting for you to love me as hard as i love you is like waiting for rain in this endless Arizona drought, useless and disappointing.
but it doesn't matter. right now - i would let you spit in my face and call me every name in the book if it meant i got to curl up next to you tonight. i'd throw every moral I've ever had out the window to know that i wasn't going to lose you.
the scariest thing in my life right now is the fact that i don't know if I'll ever get to laugh with you again. if I'll ever get to see you smile and be the reason it happens. and i would rather peel all of my skin off like I'm a potato being prepped on thanksgiving day than live the rest of my life without you.
i just hate that i don't get to make that choice.








