break the ice
juyeon x fem!reader smau
you've been crushing on hyunjae from the college's ice hockey team ever since you'd first seen him. but when you finally pluck up the courage and confess to him, somehow the person standing in front of you is his insufferable teammate instead? and why does he seem so happy about your confession?
tags: social media au, college au, ice hockey au, one-sided e2l, accidental dating; warnings: swearing, stupid jokes
a/n: i know it's been ages again, and most of you probably thought this was dropped for good (which i honestly can't blame you for) but i promise i'll finish this!! i don't really want to go into depth on why it took me this long, but if you're curious there is a small update in the #re:bti tag from back in march that might give a little insight. either way! if you're still around after all this time i'm v grateful & i hope you enjoy this update!<3
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*·❆•.❅·*.CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO.·*❅.⋆❇·.*
wc: 1.4k
For the rest of the day, you can barely focus on classes, your stomach sick with anxiety. You know having an honest conversation is overdue, but the thoughts of all possible outcomes have you terrified. Maybe your friends are right, maybe he’ll believe you and forgive you. Or maybe he has already made up his mind on you, feels angry, hurt and disappointed, and can’t wait to cut you out of his life. If it ends up being that, you almost hope he’ll let out his anger on you, because you deserve it and because just the thought of seeing him genuinely hurt makes you wanna throw up. You know it’s a real possibility, though. You’ve been selfish, through all of this, and you’ve made it worse with every day you waited. Even now it isn’t you who decided to talk things out, it’s him confronting you.
When it’s finally time for your meet up, you’re about ready to pass out from nerves. Somehow it’s worse that you see him already standing there, waiting for you. It would’ve been easier if you’d been there first, because then you wouldn’t have to pluck up the courage to approach him. But maybe this is fair. After all, it’s always been him taking a step towards you, it’s high time you come to him instead.
Juyeon looks up when you get closer, and he smiles, too, but it’s not as bright and blinding as it usually is. Instead he looks careful, guarded. You can’t blame him.
“Hey,” you say, returning the small smile with one of your own.
“A walk?” he asks and you’re glad at least that is still the same.
“A walk,” you nod.
You don’t speak until you’ve left the busy campus behind. This isn’t a conversation to be had with a zillion people around. It’s only when you turn into a quiet street that you feel ready to talk; Juyeon beats you to it, though.
“I lied to you,” he starts, “about Hyunjae.”
“Yeah. I know.”
“I’m sorry,” and he actually sounds sorry, too, “I was jealous.”
“You had no reason to be,” you say, but you know it makes you a hypocrite.
“I did though, didn’t I? You lied to me, too.” If it hasn’t been clear before, it definitely is now: He knows. Has known for a while, probably. He doesn't just put it all out there though. It’s as if he wants you to admit it yourself. If it’d been anyone else, you would’ve thought it’s out of spite, but with Juyeon you know it’s an act of kindness, a chance to tell him your truth before he makes a judgement.
Still, it’s hard to speak, and your voice already cracks before you get out the first syllable. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, you didn’t want to cry and play victim when really you’re the one who messed up. But the tears are welling up in your eyes with no consideration of how you wanted this to go.
“Sorry,” you croak, stopping to search for tissues in your bag, but you can barely see anything through your blurred vision, and you don’t even know if you brought any tissues to begin with.
“Here,” Juyeon holds out a package to you, his voice calm and patient.
You grab it with shaky hands, take one out and use it to dry the tears that have started spilling over your cheeks. “Sorry,” you repeat, I didn’t mean to—I didn’t want to cry like this,” you sniff, “god, this sucks.”
He lets out a small chuckle, and it sounds warm and friendly and not at all like he’s about to cut you off, and that makes you cry even more. “Take your time,” he says.
“I didn’t want to lie,” you press out, “I’m sorry. It was—it was an accident. I never wanted to hurt you, either. On the day I confessed I—it was an honest mistake, but I—” You know your explanation is all over the place, but it feels so difficult to explain what happened without making it seem like you regret the time spent together, “I should’ve told you earlier, but I was just so scared.”
“So the flowers really weren’t for me, were they? They were meant for Hyunjae?” It’s not a real question, just confirmation of something he already knows.
“I can explain—”
He lets out a small huff, “You don’t have to. I didn’t make it easy for you to clear it up either.”
“Did you know from the start?”
“Not from the start. But then things kept adding up… I know I’m a little slow at times. But I’m not stupid.”
“I’m sorry,” you say again, because you’re not sure what else you can say. And maybe you’re a little embarrassed too, considering that all this time while you were trying to find a way to clear things up, he already had an inkling of what was going on. “I really am.”
“I was wrong, too,” he offers a compromise, and you don’t understand why he’s willing to share the blame like this.
“Don’t say that” you shake our head, “I was a coward, I was wrong. So let me apologize for it. You’re not at fault here.”
“Am I not?” He runs his hand through his dark hair, “I had a feeling something was wrong, but I didn’t say anything and just let it drag on. Isn’t it at least partly my fault, too?”
“Why didn’t you say anything then?”
He shrugs and there’s a small, self-deprecating grin on his lips, “Remember how I said I was becoming greedy? I just wanted to be with you, even if you didn’t have feelings for me.”
In a way, you’ve known that already, he’s shown you time and time again that he wants to spend time with you and get to know you better. But you’ve always assumed it was just him taking your feelings seriously and giving the girl who confessed to him a fair chance. The fact that he has known, though, and still wanted to be with you kinda changes things.
“I—why?”
“I’ve noticed you, way before you confessed. Maybe I wasn’t in love but—I think I wanted to know you? You always came to the games and I knew it wasn’t for me, but in a way it still felt like a lucky charm when I saw you in the stands… So when you confessed I was really happy. It seemed off, but I didn’t want to doubt it. And when I ended up doubting it after all, I didn’t want to say it. I wanted to spend time with you just a little longer, even if it wasn’t real.”
“I—I didn’t know that. That you’ve been noticing me.”
He lets out a laugh, “Of course not. Your focus was elsewhere, wasn’t it?”
You chew on your lower lip, “I’m sorry.”
“Haven’t you been sorry enough now?”
“It feels like it will never be enough. I knew I was wrong, but the more time we spent together, the harder it got to tell you.”
“Because you were scared? Of how I’d react?”
A frown appears between your eyebrows. Of course, it was that, too, but more than that it was— “Because I was scared to lose you.”
His hand reaches out to you, fingers barely grazing yours before he pulls back again, not daring to hold your hand, “I’m not that easy to lose.”
“But I lied to you.”
“It wasn’t all a lie though, was it? When you said I’m kind, when you said you’d give me bluebells and orchids—was that all a lie too?”
“No. That was true. Everything was true, except for that first confession. I promise.”
The smile that spreads on his lips now is more genuine than any of the expressions you’ve seen on him today. This time, his fingers don’t shy away from taking your hand, “That’s enough for me then.”
“You shouldn’t forgive me so easily,” you whisper, but you intertwine your fingers with his either way.
“But I want to.”
And you’re glad he does, regardless of whether you think you deserve that or not. “So we can start over?”
“No,” and your heart would sink at that reply, but his expression is too gentle to really cause unease, “I don’t want to start over. I like what we’ve had, even if it didn’t start out ideally.”
“What did we have?”
“Friendship?” He grins, and you know he’s teasing you, “Or….?”
“Or?”
He pulls you a little closer, his gaze dropping briefly to your lips before it wanders up to your eyes again. “Can I kiss you?”
You smile, “I’d like that,” you whisper, already leaning up a bit to meet him halfway.
When his lips graze yours, it’s careful and gentle, and a little salty from the tears you’ve cried. Mostly, it’s warm, though.
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