𓏵 ⸝⸝ Am i wrong/problematic for this?
WARNING! the following post includes mentions of intrusive thoughts, sh, eating issues, scopophobia, suicidal ideations and possibly more! if this makes you uncomfortable please skip it!!
sometimes i feel like i have some sort of anxiety disorder, like i’d never actually claim myself with one but i’ve never, ever, been checked for any sort of mental conditions in my entire life (and probably won’t be anytime soon) and i feel guilty for assuming, but i just feel like the constant scopophobia increasing when around people, everything gets to vivid and my senses are overwhelmed as FUCK, the starving myself after thinking people are judging my appearance by simply LOOKING at me (would not recommend this, i lost 11lbs in a month and am still very fatigued and still hate my appearance anyways.), the constant misery and paranoia and the lashing out at people who are just trying to help. doesn’t help that i have panic attacks when i think of being around a lot of people and get too nervous to go to places i probably would’ve enjoyed if it weren’t for the amount of people (hence why my first ever concert is coming up late this month and i’m stressing a bunch over it despite it being a small mass compared to other concerts) and the intrusive thoughts that follow my paranoia telling me to do awful things to myself.
is skepticism as bad as self diagnosing? cause i am not explicitly saying i have an anxiety disorder; i’m just saying i think there’s something off about me and am not able to get checked by a psychologist
like its genuinely SO hard to try force myself to speak sometimes to the point even though i try to no words come out and i hate it so so much and the sheer pressure that comes from being out in public is just AGHHHHHH it makes me start pulling my hair out and the intrusive sh fantasies start again and i want them to STOP
and also oh my goodness, the sheer stress that i put myself through subconsciously to keep an identical routine that when i’m hyper aware of it, makes me fucking victimise myself and pity myself and makes me suicidal again, so when im not following a routine, i freak out, when i do, i also freak out. I CANT WINNNN
also to my friends + partner who have offered to let me vent to them, i am SO sorry but i genuinely can’t do one on one stuff like this, it makes me too nervous and wont get me to open up.
