My redneck neighbor Doug reads my fanfiction for 'The Bad Batch'
Proverbs 11:2 “When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.”
I made the gross error of telling Doug that I was writing a novel length fanfiction crossover of The Bad Batch and The Expanse. It's here if you'd like to take a gander yourself.
A massive fan of both, Doug practically hooted with joy when I mentioned it at a barbeque. So, like a dumbass, I sent him a link to the fic, thinking he’d wax praise on me.
I had forgotten how aggressively irreverent this man is. I was in for a beating.
Hint: I quickly sketched this up and sent it to Doug asking if this is how he imagined Tech and Sjael Drummer in the story. He said yes, and was ECSTATIC. I'm 99% sure it's on his fridge now. Next to @amalthiaph's piece of course.
CW: It's Doug, he's not child friendly. Y'all should've figured it out by now.
They're looking at me like 'We're a clone commando genius and a pilot with a Ph.D in chemical engineering. WTF is this hillbilly shit?"
Anywho, here’s the delightful exchange we had after he finished up the current chapter:
Doug: So, lemme get this straight. We got a nice pretty Belter scientist-engineer, Sa-Jail Drummah, –so the lady’s a space Cajun. She got an undercut, tattoos, some Indian blood in her, and a crazy bitch sister who was in the Navy! Yup, pure Gulf Shore girl, got it. Sa-Jail’s a chemical engineer, I bet she got her degree at USM* like a good gal. And she meets Ryan-from-Accounting, who is a space redneck, because the boy’s a Mandalorian clone. And they’re all out camping, nice. It’s a white trash love story in space, awesome. Love it.
Me: It’s not a white trash love story in space, DOUG.
Doug: Oh, it ain’t? Let’s see here…the first time the boy meets the girl, she’s setting up a shitty perimeter fence around her trailer in the woods and he holds her up at gunpoint in the middle of the night. That’s some bayou romance right up in there. Did she show him her shrimping boat after that?”
Me: …that is true. No shrimping boat, but he joins her on a hike the next day.
Doug: Taking a girl out into the woods to show her what a rough rugged redneck you are! That’s classic white trash mating rituals right there. I’ve seen it in action my whole life, I know it when I see it. Did the boy talk about his guns?
Me: No, but he does talk about his time in the armed forces and his brothers. His guns are in his backpack.
Doug: Guns on the first date? Seriously. And bragging about your time in the USMC is like, the first thing a redneck does to impress a lady besides talking about his truck and his smoker and how much he goes to church. This is real redneck courtship happening in this story. Oh, and the part where they finally start banging?”
Me: (takes deep breath) What about it?
Doug: First of all, my wife, she loved that part!
Me: YOU READ THIS TO YOUR WIFE?!**
Doug: Well, yeah! She loves a good romance and we had a long drive that day. Anyway, Sa-Jail had just been bitching about her ex-oyfriend, or was it ex-husband?
Doug: Same difference. Anyway, Toby***–clearly named after Toby Keith like a good Southern man–left her for some other chick after he joined the Navy because that’s how the Navy man rolls. Just like Toaster Strudel's daddy. Wasn’t Toby a pilot? Yup, sounds like an average day in Pensacola to me. Flew his Blue Angel to different poon. Then, Sa-Jail, well, she needed somebody else to wash her mouth out, per se.
So, after knowing the man for what, two or three days, she flings herself at Ryan-from-Accounting and they proceed to hump like coked-out rabbits all over her trailer. And in TRUE Cajun fashion, Sa-Jail is so impressed by Ryan-from-Accounting’s pipelaying skills that she makes him DINNER. And what does Ryan-from-Accounting do that any self-preserving redneck man would do with a woman he just started dating?
Me: Enlighten my Yankee self, Doug.
Doug: HE CALLS ALL HIS HUNGRY RELATIVES OVER TO JOIN THEM FOR THEIR FIRST DINNER TOGETHER. Which they all enjoy outside the trailer! Cookout style! Nothing says ‘redneck romance’ like ‘Hey sugar, you and me just started getting serious five minutes ago, now HERE IS MY WHOLE FAMILY. FROM MY BROTHER CLAYTON THAT JUST GOT RELEASED FROM ANGOLA TO MY COUSIN CAROLLYNN WHO HAS FIVE BABY DADDIES. ALSO WE ARE GOING TO CHURCH TOMORROW AND GETTING CRACKER BARREL AFTER THAT SO GET A NICE DRESS OR MEEMAW AND MY AUNTIES WILL JUDGE.”
Me: Jesus Christ, Doug, that is not what happened.
::Doug screenshots my longfic and sends it to me and I am deceased because he’s not exactly wrong::
Doug: And of course, Sa-Jail is a good Cajun woman, just rolls up her sleeves and feeds everybody because that’s how the bayou babe do. The rest of the story might as well be called ‘Real Housewives of Space Slidell’ for all of the white trash shenanigans that follow. Let’s see here…there’s knife chasing, screaming, someone gets pregnant out of wedlock, a fist fight while someone’s driving, lots of guns, tattoos, motorcycles, a cowboy bar, a hot Southern nurse, lots of cussing, baby daddy drama, biscuits and gravy, Navy veterans, Ryan-from-Accounting’s various brothers from different daddies show up and they all want food and a place to stay, hooch-making, pimp-slaps, more guns…this is a real Cajun-Redneck tale of love. With spaceships. It’s great!
Me: I’m speechless, Doug.
Doug: Jenny loved the scenes where they cross a river with the motorcycle and then they do the nasty next to it. That’s 10/10 on the redneck Was Ryan-from-Accounting playing ‘Fishin’ in the Dark’ in the background on his phone, too?”
Me: I AM GENUINELY SPEECHLESS, DOUG.
@eyecandyeoz, did he do a good job capturing the essence of the story? LOL
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*=In Doug’s defense, University of Southern Mississippi has an incredible department regarding chemical engineering and specifically, polymer science. So he’s not far off.
**=I DIED, I’M DEAD, A GHOST IS WRITING THIS RIGHT NOW.
***=HIS NAME WAS NOT TOBY FFS.
