Preventable Yet Inevitable
Summary: Remus knew from the start that Roman and Janus dating was not a good idea. But neither of them seem to want to listen to him.
...
Remus had always kind of felt iffy about it, if he was being honest with himself.
It’s not that he couldn’t see the obvious tension between his brother and his best friend. He just always kind of figured they’d get really drunk one night and wake up the next morning agreeing that last night had been great, but it should probably be a one time thing. For a multitude of reasons.
But then Roman and Janus came up to him one day and announced that they were dating.
Remus’ immediate thought, that he’d hate himself forever for, was Wow this is going to go down in flames.
But it was. Roman still had too low of self-esteem for dating to be a good idea. And Janus was way too good at manipulating people to get what he wanted. It was fine and fun when that involved dicks who the three of them agreed they didn’t want to associate with. Less fun when Remus considered what that meant in regards to his brother. Less fun when he considered Roman’s tendency to run himself into the ground trying to prove himself good enough.
Immediately, Remus tried to banish the thought, which, in retrospect, was his first mistake. He didn’t do that. He always addressed the fucked up bullshit that ran through his head. Laughed at it. Considered it. Marinated it. He did not try to banish it. That didn’t get rid of it.
But… fuck. Two of his favorite people that he loved told him they were dating, and suddenly Remus could see so clearly how it would end in disaster, and he didn’t want that for either of them.
But what was he supposed to do? Mediate things? That wouldn’t so much go down in flames as it would blow up their college campus.
So Remus was stupid. He smiled. He congratulated them. He told them he was happy for them. All while his head screamed at him No no no no bad idea bad idea.
He lied to himself like a moron. He told himself that maybe it wouldn’t go badly. Maybe he was wrong. It had happened before. Nevermind that he knew his brother and his best friend better than anyone else in the world. Maybe they’d surprise him.
God. He hoped so.
…
“Hey, Re. Whatcha up to?”
Remus glanced up from the couch over at Roman and raised an eyebrow. “So he does speak to me.”
Roman blinked. “What?”
“Oh nothing, I just figured you and Janus were still too busy being lost in each other’s eyes to acknowledge my presence.”
Roman winced. “Oh. Sorry.”
“Eh,” Remus waved it off as if he wasn’t worried and hurt. “Honeymoon phase. What’s going on?”
“Oh, actually I was wondering if you wanted to hang out tonight.”
“Janus busy?”
“…I’m sorry.”
Remus laughed a little. “It’s all good. What do you want to do?”
“I figured we could hate watch some shitty movies and make fun of the writing and editing together.”
“Oooh you know I’m always down to make fun of people!” Remus said happily. “What are we hate watching, The Nightmare Before Christmas?”
Roman instantly made sputtery offended noises, and Remus cackled.
“Alright fine, we don’t have to hate watch the Cats movie then,” Roman said, turning up his nose.
“Wait no I take it back!”
“That’s what I thought.”
They ended up in front of the TV with a bowl of popcorn and mockery turned up to eleven, and Remus was ready to settle in for a thoroughly entertaining night when Roman’s phone buzzed with a text. And then buzzed again. And then a third time.
“Dude, just respond,” Remus said, and Roman groaned, but picked up his phone.
Apparently he didn’t want to be texted by whoever was on the other end of the line, because when he looked at his phone he groaned again and rolled his eyes.
“Christ Janus, can’t I breathe?” Roman muttered, typing something out and sending it.
Remus tensed and then immediately tried very hard to intentionally relax. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah, Janus is just asking where I am.”
“Uh… I thought you said he was busy,” Remus said, now very much failing at intentionally relaxing.
“He is. I think he just wants to know,” Roman said with a shrug. “He’s not gonna care that I’m with you or anything.”
“Yeah,” Remus said, wondering why that needed to be clarified.
“Anyway, let’s watch a movie,” Roman said, setting his phone to the side and turning to grab the remote.
Remus turned to face the screen and started trying to relax again. Roman seemed to forget about it in a second, already reaching for the popcorn. He sat back with a look on his face that meant he was ready to tear this movie to shreds and love every second of it.
So Remus sat back and tried to let it go. Roman didn’t seem to mind. Maybe it was fine. He didn’t want to let a… a yellow flag ruin his night with Roman. He’d missed hanging out with him recently, and hate watching a shitty musical movie sounded like a fantastic way to blow off some steam.
Maybe Janus was just having a weird night, or was worried because something had happened that was none of Remus’ business. It was still fine.
Everything was fine.
…
Remus used the next day as excellent evidence that he was right about that, because they all ended up going to an art museum and having an amazing time, which was typical when the three of them were together.
Remus and Roman both poured over the symbolism in the modern art section, Remus and Janus liked looking at the abstract art (Janus to try and gain some deep insight and Remus to try and spot some dicks in the paintings), and Roman and Janus were both fascinated by the ancient art.
The whole time they were there Roman and Janus were hanging off of each other like an adorable couple and saying sweet things to each other and playfully teasing each other about their tastes in a way that meant they also totally understood. Remus absorbed it like salve on an open wound.
See? Look how adorable and totally normal and healthy they’re being. They are good for each other. They’re gonna give everyone cavities. It’s fine. You were wrong, and it’s fine.
After the museum they went to a cafe nearby, and all got appropriately fall themed pumpkin spice drinks.
Janus and Roman also got two straws, and while Remus was certainly glad that they were most definitely proving him wrong a hundred percent nothing to worry about here, there was also only so much he could take.
“God, I’m right here,” he said, giving Roman and Janus a look. “Can you two go five minutes without doing gross adorable couple shit?”
Janus stuck his tongue out at Remus and followed it up with a kiss on Roman’s cheek. Remus blew a raspberry at him and Roman laughed.
They went for a walk outside for a little while since it was nice enough to justify it, and ended up on a bench on the edge of the park to people watch.
“And that one,” Roman said, nodding at a passerby across the street with an almost comically large hat on, “is carrying a live hamster under their hat.”
“Oh of course, only the most logical place to put a live hamster,” Janus said, rolling his eyes.
“Well why else would they have a hat so big?”
“I think it’s a bowling ball,” Remus said.
Roman laughed. “What?”
“Well the hat is definitely big enough.”
“It kind of is,” Roman said through more laughter.
“Well what does that make of the hamster then?” Janus asked, leaning back on the bench.
“Obviously it’s one of the pins, Janus, come on,” Remus said, leaning back so he could grin at him.
Janus smirked back at him in a way that was clearly amused, and Remus felt the happy little trill that came whenever people found him funny. It didn’t really happen often. His sense of humor was too out there for most people to enjoy.
“They,” Roman said, drawing Remus out of large thoughts while pointing discreetly towards a person in a large fluffy dress across the street. “Are clearly coming back from a royal ball.”
“I disagree,” Janus said, leaning back on the bench. “They’re an assassin sneaking in to kill the royals. Why else would that dress clearly not suit them at all?”
“Janus,” Roman said, crossing his arms and giving Janus a look. “That’s rude.”
“Oh what, they don’t know me,” Janus said, rolling his eyes and pulling out his phone. “Why would they care what someone they don’t even know thinks of their fashion choice?”
“It’s just rude, that’s all,” Roman said, glaring away slightly.
Remus looked down and fidgeted with his fingers. Stop overreacting, you’re being stupid. Talk about something else.
“Hey,” he said, thankfully drawing both Roman and Janus’ attention. “I want to walk around the park and find some squirrels to terrorize. Who’s with me?”
Janus laughed a little. “You make a strong case,” he said.
“I think I’ll just walk and enjoy the scenery,” Roman said with a roll of his eyes. “But you two can knock yourselves out.”
Remus let out a slow breath as they all stood and started walking, and Janus and Roman both started smiling and pressing themselves against each other again.
Remus turned his gaze ahead and started looking for squirrels and put the rest of the interaction out of his mind.
The rest of the day would give him nothing to worry about. Of course not.
…
Roman and Janus continued to politely argue most of the afternoon. Remus barely even got to chase any squirrels. They all went home that night utterly squirelless.
He didn’t love how anxious he was about the whole thing either. It’s not like Janus and Roman hadn’t debated as friends. There didn’t have to be anything wrong here.
…Except for the fact that when they debated as friends they’d never stopped smiling, and today they had both been tense and the politeness had seemed forced.
What the hell was the difference? Why did their relationship dynamic have to change just because they were labeling it a different way? And why couldn’t Remus stop freaking out about it? It was fine, they were both probably just having a bad day. Nothing to worry about.
Besides, on the way home they were right back to being sickeningly adorable, so it was fine.
Remus was kind of forced to stick with that image for a while, whether he wanted to or not, because the next couple weeks Janus or Roman both seemed to be incredibly busy, and when they weren’t, they were spending time with each other. It was ridiculous how alone you could feel when you lived in an apartment with two other people.
On the night Remus had finally had enough, Roman was working late, which seemed like as good a solution as any. So Remus headed over to Janus’ room and knocked on his door, before shoving it open because who gives a fuck about privacy anyway?
“Hey Janny,” he said as he walked in. “Whatcha up to?”
Janus turned from his bed where he seemed to be angrily typing on his phone. “Trying to convince Roman to focus on work and leave me alone for two seconds,” Janus said with a roll of his eyes.
Remus’ chest pinched.
“Hey cool, so you want to go do something? I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.”
A mix of relief and intrigue passed across Janus’ face, and he shoved his phone in his pocket. “Absolutely, yes, please get me out of here. What do you want to do?”
“What do you want to do?” Remus asked, shoving the slightly nauseated feeling down, down, down.
Janus gave him a mischievous smile. “When was the last time we went spray painting?”
Remus beamed.
Ten minutes later they were in the car headed towards their usual spot, and Remus was chatting happily about ideas he had that he hadn’t gotten to use yet.
Janus seemed to get lighter the more that they talked, and by the time they got there he was laughing right along with Remus.
Remus had decided eventually to paint two giant middle fingers battling for dominance like light sabers. Janus had decided to go way less inspired and just paint an abstract picture of a two headed serpent. Clearly, Remus had more artistic integrity here.
Just as Remus was finishing one of the fingers, however, Janus’ phone went off, and they both jumped at the sound, causing a large stripe of paint to go off course.
Remus looked around to check for anyone else as Janus scrambled to turn his phone on silent.
At least, Remus figured that’s what he was doing, and he turned back to see if he could salvage his painting. But then a second later, Janus started talking.
“For fucks sake Roman, what do you want?”
Remus turned to him in surprise and slight offense. They were kind of in the middle of something, weren’t they?
“I went out with Remus,” Janus snapped. “Do you have to know where I am every second of the day?”
There was a pause, where Remus tried to stare at Janus meaningfully.
“You’re supposed to be working anyway!” Janus said. He dropped the spray paint into the bag they’d brought and stormed away, leaving Remus standing there.
“…Am I supposed to be continuing then?” Remus asked the empty air, predictably getting no response.
“Well fuck you too.”
He turned back to his painting and started angrily salvaging the parts of it he could. By the time Janus came back, angrily stomping over with his phone still clutched in his hand, Remus was almost done.
“Oh, so have you decided to spend time with me now?” Remus asked, raising an eyebrow at him.
“Not if Roman has his way,” Janus said, rolling his eyes and apparently mistaking Remus’ tone for an invitation to shit on his brother.
Remus huffed and turned and finished with the last part of his painting. “I’m done,” he said. “Meet you in the car. Don’t get arrested.”
He stormed off before Janus could reply.
…
The situation did not improve. Roman and Janus stayed consistently busy, and when they weren’t, they were either flirting in the kitchen or off somewhere doing who knows what. And Remus tried to take solace in the fact that they were doing cutesy couple things all the time, but he was starting to feel pretty lonely. And it kind of really sucked.
So you couldn’t really blame him for getting a little excited when someone knocked on his door for a change. Maybe the leaping out of bed and scrambling over was a bit much, though.
Roman confirmed that by blinking at him when Remus yanked the door open.
“Uh, hi,” he said. “You okay?”
“Oh yeah, I’m cool, I’m chill, just staying here, being totally casual,” Remus said, leaning against the doorframe. “What totally cool casual things are going on with you? Do you want to do something? Do you want to talk? I’m very down to do something or talk!”
“I guess I sort of want to talk?” Roman said, rubbing the back of his neck. “Look, can I just, can I vent for a second?”
He walked past Remus before he could reply, and paced to the other side of the room, which is probably why he didn’t notice Remus deflate heavily.
“Oh. Okay,” he said, walking much more slowly back to his bed as Roman spun around and continued to pace.
“I just can’t deal with Janus sometimes,” Roman groaned, looking up at the ceiling. “Like, I know he gets jealous easily, but I should be allowed to hang out with work friends without him getting all up in my case about it! Like seriously, I thought he didn’t want me to call him while I’m at work!”
“Mm-hmm,” Remus muttered, resting his head in his hands.
“And then he starts going off about Virgil, and like, he’s met Virgil! He knows I don’t have feelings for him! Like for fucks sake!”
“Yeah,” Remus said. He grabbed his phone from where he’d set it down on his bed and started scrolling through notifications.
“I don’t know, maybe I’m overreacting. I just wish he could give me some space to breathe sometimes. Know what I mean?”
“No,” Remus said candidly, glancing up at Roman. “I feel like I have plenty of space to breathe right now.”
“Oh, great,” Roman huffed, crossing his arms. “So he’s just like that with me, I guess.”
“Yeah, I guess,” Remus sighed, looking down again.
Roman sighed too. “I don’t know. Maybe I should just talk to him about it. Like, that’ll probably help, right?”
“Maybe?”
“Yeah, I think it probably will,” Roman said with a nod to himself. “I’m sure he just doesn’t realize how much this is bugging me. Thanks, Remus. I’m gonna go talk to him right now.”
He walked out of the room, leaving Remus sitting there.
Remus laughed a little, flipped off the empty air where Roman had been standing, and flopped back on his bed.
He at least wasn’t as surprised or hopeful when Janus showed up later that day to do the same thing.
“Roman said he talked to you,” Janus said the second Remus opened the door, arms already crossed.
Remus sighed and leaned his head against the doorframe. “Yeah, I guess. I’m sorry. Or you’re welcome. Which one do you want to hear?”
“I assume he didn’t tell you that he and the Virgil person that I’m apparently supposed to be fine with both flirt all the time right in front of me?” Janus said, walking past Remus.
Remus sighed again and shut the door after him. “No.”
“I’ve told him it bothers me, and he keeps doing it!” Janus snapped, whirling to face him. “This is his fault! We’ve made a commitment now, and he’s acting like that doesn’t mean anything!”
“Have you tried talking about it?”
“Yes,” Janus snapped, turning to glare at him. “I said I told him it was bothering me!”
“Have you tried explaining why?”
Janus paused. “Well… no. I guess technically I just said it was bothering me. But shouldn’t that be enough for him to at least ask me why if nothing else?”
“I don’t know. But it sounds like he didn’t. So maybe try explaining,” Remus said, walking over to his bed and sitting down again.
Janus scoffed. “I shouldn’t have to do that. He should know me well enough by now.”
“That’s not how people work—”
“Fine. I will be the bigger person,” Janus said, drawing himself up and stalking towards the door. “Thank you, I suppose. You could try getting the full story next time.”
He walked out before Remus could reply.
Remus turned, buried his head in his pillow, and screamed.
That argument apparently didn’t end there however, because that night Remus was kept up by the sound of them arguing.
“I just don’t see why you think it’s so wrong that I want to spend some time with friends!” Roman yelled, loud enough that Remus heard it clearly from down the hallway in his bedroom.
“There isn’t anything wrong with you wanting to spend time with friends! I take a bit of an issue when you start flirting with them!”
“We flirted when we were friends, Janus! It doesn’t mean anything!”
“Don’t I kind of get a say in that?”
Remus squeezed his eyes shut. “Fuck,” he whispered to himself.
This is what he gets for trying to lie to himself about how this would go.
…
So he has to do something, right? That’s what has to happen next? He can’t just let this go on. For his own sake as much as theirs, honestly. That didn’t mean he knew what he should do, but he had to try something, at least.
He figured he’d start with Roman, and so he knocked on his door on a night he knew Janus was working, and found Roman on his bed watching a TV show on his laptop.
“Roman?” he asked as he pushed the door open. “Can we talk?”
Roman paused the show and turned to face him. “Can it wait? I’m pretty tired.”
Remus shoved down a spike of anger and took a deep breath. “I’d rather we talk now.”
Roman gave a long sigh but shut his laptop. “Alright. What’s going on?”
Remus walked forward and sat down on the bed, taking a minute to try and figure out how to word this.
Roman clearly noticed, because he raised an eyebrow and sat up slightly. “Is there something you need to tell me, Remus?”
“How are you and Janus doing?” Remus asked hesitantly.
Roman narrowed his eyes slightly. “Fine. Is that all? I’m going to go back to my show now.”
“Roman,” Remus groaned, looking up at the ceiling.
“You live in the same apartment as us, do you not know how we’re doing?” Roman asked.
Remus bit his lip against a scream and squeezed his fingernails against the palm of his hand. “Well, neither of you have really talked to me recently, Roman,” he said.
“Sorry, we’ve been busy,” Roman said, crossing his arms.
Remus took a deep breath. “Busy staying up half the night fighting?”
“Excuse me? What is that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing,” Remus said, holding up his hands. “I’m just pointing out something I’ve noticed.”
“What Janus and I disagree on isn’t any of your business.”
Remus took another deep breath. “You yell so loud it keeps me up, Roman.”
“Put a pillow over your ear,” Roman snapped, leaning forward. “And get out of my room. My relationship is my business.”
“You’re kind of making it my business,” Remus said through gritted teeth.
“Really? Because you’re the one who came in here and tried to butt your way into it,” Roman said, glaring at Remus. “And I’m the one telling you to back off.”
“Roman. For fucks sake.”
Roman narrowed his eyes dangerously, to the point where Remus realized this probably wasn’t going to work.
“Get. The fuck. Out. Remus.”
Remus looked at him for a minute longer, but Roman didn’t back down, so finally Remus turned and left.
Maybe he’d have better luck with Janus.
He couldn’t exactly plan on getting ahold of him alone soon, however, and until then, Remus wasn’t exactly surprised to be kept up by more yelling.
“Oh, so you just think I’m a shitty person?”
“What— did I say that? I missed the part where I said that!”
“Well you never pay attention anyway it’s not like that’s a surprise!”
Remus shoved the pillow further over his head. Maybe if he was lucky it would suffocate him and then he could finally get some fucking sleep.
“You could try being a little more supportive, you know!”
“More supportive? If anything I give you too much support! It’s not like your ego could get any bigger!”
“I cannot believe you, I— argh!”
Or he could just bang his head into the wall until he gave himself a concussion and fell unconscious.
Remus pulled the blanket up and over the pillow, which at least muffled the yelling enough that he could hear himself think. That was a start, maybe.
It was still enough that Remus decided he couldn’t any longer, and the next morning, when he got home from his classes, he waited in the kitchen until Janus finally showed up.
In retrospect, he should have waited. He was exhausted, and irritated, and definitely not in the place to have an incredibly delicate conversation that hadn’t even worked with Roman, much less Janus. He was terrible at incredibly delicate conversations on a good day, and this was not that.
But he also couldn’t stomach the thought of listening to Roman and Janus fight for another night, so instead of anything remotely smart, he turned to Janus the second he walked in and opened with “Hey stop fucking fighting.”
Janus started, and turned to Remus, raising an eyebrow. “Excuse me?”
“I can’t sleep,” Remus said. “You yell too loud. And I can’t imagine you’re getting much sleep either, which can’t be helping in the first place. Stop fighting. It’s not helpful.”
Janus stared at him for a second, then narrowed his eyes, seeming offended and irritated, which is why Remus shouldn’t have had this conversation right now.
He just didn’t know when else to have it.
“That,” Janus said coldly. “Is completely over the line, Remus. It’s not your place to get involved, and even setting that aside, you could have done it in a different way—”
“How?” Remus begged. “We never talk. I haven’t seen either of you in ages. You’re always busy, or with each other, or fighting so loud it keeps me awake at night. I’m exhausted, and I’m worried, and I’m lonely, Janus!”
Janus crosses his arms, glaring at Remus. “Well, maybe you should have stopped to consider that you’re the problem,” he said. “Couples argue sometimes, Remus. It doesn’t make it any of your business.”
He turned to walk out of the room.
“I haven’t slept well in a week,” Remus said weakly.
Janus didn’t say anything as he left.
Remus went out that evening and bought some earplugs.
…
It was a couple days later when Roman and Janus approached him together. Remus was too done to have any sort of expectations, but they both looked a little sheepish and hesitant as they knocked and opened his door, which was new.
“Hey Remus,” Roman said. “Can we talk?”
Remus set his phone down and looked up. Might as well get it over with. “What?”
“We, uh,” Roman said, fidgeting with his hands. “So we talked a little bit, and uh, we kind of realized you were right.”
Remus’ eyes widened, and he sat up. “Wait, seriously?”
“We didn’t exactly realize how long it’s been since we’ve spent time together,” Janus said, looking to the side and seeming profoundly uncomfortable. “And that…” He trailed off.
“We’ve kind of been ignoring you,” Roman continued, rubbing the back of his neck. “So we wanted to say sorry.”
Remus stared for a minute, not really processing what he was hearing. “You… wanted to say sorry?”
Roman gave him a weak smile, and behind him, Janus held up a bottle of soda. “Apologies and Friday night movie night?” he asked.
Remus stared for another minute, and then started to grin. “I get to pick the movie!”
“Oh no,” Roman muttered, but he didn’t object.
Remus cackled. “Meet you in the living room in ten, and y’all better have popcorn!”
“Okay, well if I knew you’d be making demands,” Janus said, but he didn’t object either.
Remus snatched up his phone and did a happy dance to the living room. He put on some screaming loud music to dance the excitement out too, because he definitely had not been expecting this.
When the song ended, however, Remus was presented with clear and definitive evidence that he was a moron for getting his hopes up.
“See, I told you that you were causing problems,” Janus said from the kitchen, just loud enough that Remus heard it.
Remus sat up straighter but didn’t turn around.
“I cannot believe you are trying to pin this all on me right now,” Roman hissed, still loud enough for Remus to hear. “Just because Remus approached you— which he approached me first by the way—”
“And clearly you did such an excellent job with that,” Janus said, in the verbal tone of rolling his eyes.
“And what the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“It means that clearly you don’t know how to have actual relationships with people! When was the last time you talked to Remus?”
“When was the last time you talked to Remus?”
Remus leaned forward and buried his head in his hands. No, no, no.
He’s so fucking stupid.
“Not as long ago as you! But why should I be surprised, with the way you mess everything up all the time!”
“Hey!”
Roman sounded hurt by that. Remus should do something.
“Well I’m not the one who thinks it’s fun to try and manipulate people!”
“You are such a—”
Remus stood up, walking past the kitchen and into the entryway, grabbing his jacket and keys.
He was going to need something to help him sleep tonight.
…
“Give me five shots of the strongest shit you’ve got,” Remus said, sitting down at the bar and resting his chin on his hands.
“Yowza, you doing okay buddy?”
“Do I look like I’m doing okay? Give me five shots of the strongest shit you’ve got.”
There wasn’t any reply, and a couple minutes later Remus got five shots pushed towards him. He downed them one after the other, and tapped the counter, putting one of the shot glasses upright.
Thankfully, it didn’t take too long for the world to start going numb at the edges, even if Remus didn’t feel better. Why the fuck didn’t he feel better, can he not have this one thing?
It was way too soon when the bartender called closing, however, even if Remus didn’t move. He waited until everyone else had filed out while rolling the empty shot glass on the table in front of him around on its edge and listening to the pretty sound it made.
“Hey, bud, I’m gonna call you a cab, okay?” came the bartender’s voice. “Do you have an address I should give them?”
Remus turned to look at the bartender. He kept his gaze for a couple seconds, then turned and dropped his head in his arms and burst into tears.
He vaguely heard the bartender mutter, “Oh boy,” but he didn’t pay it much mind, choosing instead to sit there and cry, because that seemed like the better option right now. That was going to solve all of his problems, right?
He’d tried everything else.
He doesn’t know how long it’s been when he finally pulls his head up, but now he has a headache on top of being drunk and sad, which is just an amazing combination.
For some reason, however, when he does, the bartender is still standing next to him.
“Hey,” he said, giving a small smile. “You feeling any better?”
Remus turned to stare at him. “The fuck are y’still doin’ here?” he slurred.
The person sighed. “Well, you’re part of my job right now bud. I’ve got to make sure you get home safe.”
“Oh. S’rry.”
“Don’t be. I’m getting paid overtime.”
“Don’t wanna go home,” Remus said, shaking his head as tears welled in his eyes again. “I don’t wanna, they won’t— they won’t stop fighting.”
“Who’s fighting?”
“Knew this was a terrible idea,” Remus said, dropping his head onto his hand. “Knew it but I didn’t say anything because ‘m an idiot, ‘m an idiot who let them do it when I shouldn’t’ve.”
“Mm,” the bartender said, probably not having any idea what the fuck Remus was talking about.
A second later, a door opened in the background, and a more familiar voice called, “Alright Pat, I got your text, who do you need help kicking out?”
Remus dragged his head up and looked over towards the door to see Virgil standing there. And though they’d only met a couple times when Remus had come to annoy Roman at work, Virgil seemed to recognize him too.
“Woah, dude,” he said, moving forward. “You okay? Remus, right?”
“You know him?” the bartender asked, sounding surprised.
“Sorta. He’s Roman’s brother.”
“Ah,” the bartender said. “He keeps saying he doesn’t want to go home, and something about how ‘they’ won’t stop fighting.”
Virgil absorbed this for a second, then sighed. “Fuck,” he mumbled. “I knew something felt off.”
He walked forward and took a seat on the other side of Remus, and Remus looked over at him.
“Hi,” Virgil said. “Are you gonna murder me in my sleep?”
“There’s not a lot of good rhymes for murder,” Remus said.
“Cool. You can crash with me tonight, then.”
Tears welled in Remus’ eyes again, and he reached out towards Virgil. “Y’re so nice,” he cried.
“Uh-huh, yeah, I’m an angel,” Virgil said, leaning away. “If you puke in my car I’m kicking you out though.”
“I’ll clock out and meet you there,” the bartender said. “I think you might need me for the emotions talk tomorrow.”
“I definitely will, and you’re a lifesaver, Pat,” Virgil said, reaching forward and grabbing Remus underneath the armpit.
Remus half walked, half was-dragged to the car, and he fell asleep before Virgil even started it.
…
Waking up with a massive hangover in a place you’re not familiar with wasn’t exactly on Remus’ top ten favorite things to do.
It’s not that he was completely unfamiliar with it, it had happened before. It still wasn’t his favorite.
If the “waking up in a room you don’t recognize” part hadn’t clued him in, however, the silence would have. There wasn’t any screaming. Remus could breathe.
…He could go back to sleep.
And that’s what he did.
He woke up again a little later to someone shaking his shoulder.
“No,” he groaned, pulling the blankets over his head.
“Sorry kiddo, you need to drink this. It’ll help you feel better.”
“Just leave me here to sleep and then die,” Remus moaned.
“I don’t think I’ll be doing either of those things. I do think I’m owed a bit of a thank you though.”
“Fuck you. Why am I thanking you?”
Remus pulled the blanket down as he asked, and is met with a face he vaguely remembers handing him alcohol last night.
“Fuck.”
“Language.”
“I’m sorry,” Remus said, pushing himself upwards and dropping his head into his hands. “God, I made you—”
“You did not make me do anything,” the bartender corrected. “I would not have brought you here if I was not sure it was safe for all of us. But Virgil says he trusts you, at least enough not to do anything. And I trust Virgil.”
“Oh fuck, no, I’m not a stalker or murderer or anything,” Remus said. “I’m just garbage. Can you turn down the sun?”
“Drink this,” the bartender said, holding out a glass of water to Remus.
Remus took it and downed it in one go, then laid back down in bed and pulled the covers over his head again.
“I’m gonna bring you some greasy food in a bit,” the bartender said.
“Sorry,” Remus said again.
“It’s okay, kiddo.”
“Wha’s your name?”
“I’m Patton. Virgil said your name is Remus?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Okay then, Remus, we can talk later. For now you should get some sleep, and I’ll bring you food in a bit.”
“Sorry.”
“Thank you?”
Remus is quiet for a minute.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, kiddo.”
…
Remus woke up a couple hours later, ate a good hamburger and fries, and felt a little better after that.
Unfortunately, Patton and Virgil seemed to consider it important to have this conversation right now, instead of tomorrow or perhaps never.
So, they dragged Remus out into the living and sat him down on a chair adjacent to a couch they both sat on.
Remus attempted to admire the very emo decor that seemed very Virgil, with spiders and black curtains and Nightmare Before Christmas posters. But it didn’t seem either of them were going to let him.
“Okay,” Virgil said, folding his hands together. “So. We should probably talk about some stuff?”
Remus huffed and flopped back in the chair. “It’s… fine,” he grumbled. “I was drunk, I didn’t know what I was saying.”
“No, but you were very upset,” Patton said, raising an eyebrow. “In my experience, being drunk tends to make you more likely to say what’s on your mind than entirely make things up.”
“No, I just— I was being stupid,” Remus muttered. “It’s my own problem. Or it’s not, but I don’t— I can handle it. Thanks for the ride and the food, but I can pay you back, I should… I should go home now.”
The thought kind of made him sick, and he was pretty sure both Patton and Virgil could tell.
“Dude.” Virgil sat forward, crossing his arms. “If you were talking about Roman and Janus, you’re not the only one worried about them.”
Remus looked hesitantly over at Virgil.
“Something’s felt off to me from the moment I heard they were dating,” Virgil said. “And Roman hasn’t exactly seemed happy at work lately. In ways that I can’t just attribute the fucking nightmares of customers we have to deal with.”
Remus looked away.
“So I’m right, then? They’re not okay?”
“They— fuck.” Remus buried his head in his hands. “I knew they were bad for each other from the moment they started dating,” he mumbled. He dragged his hands through his hair, and flopped back against the couch. “But I didn’t say anything. Because I was an idiot. And now they’re just… god, it’s all my fault.”
“Uh, what?” Virgil asked, sounding a little baffled. “No. It isn’t. It’s not your job to fix other people’s relationships.”
“But— but they fight all the time,” Remus said. “They yell at each other and I can’t fall asleep and they’re miserable. And I should have said something from the start.”
“Maybe,” Patton said, leaning forward. “But you can’t be sure that would have helped, kiddo. Or that they would have listened. So don’t worry about what you should have done. Let’s just take things from where they are now.”
Remus didn’t say anything for a moment. Then something Patton said caught in his mind and he looked up. “What do you mean let’s?”
“Dude,” Virgil said, crossing his arms. “We’re not gonna let you deal with this on your own.”
“But— you don’t even know me.”
“Roman and I are friends,” Virgil said, waving his hand dismissively. “That makes us, like, friends in law.”
Remus couldn’t help the startled laugh that came out of his mouth.
“It sounds like you need some help, kiddo,” Patton said. “And we’re not going to send you back home without it.”
Remus blinked at them for a minute, not sure what to say. “But you— I—”
Patton smiled. “Thank you?”
Remus blinked at him. Looked down. Looked up again. “Thank you,” he said finally.
“You’re welcome,” Patton said. “So, for starters, how about you tell us what you’ve tried?”
Remus ended up giving them a rundown of Roman and Janus’ relationship, or at least the parts of it he’d seen. The lessening of the time spent together and the constant fighting and the general misery of the whole situation. He explained the times he’d tried to talk to them and how poorly it had gone. And the whole time, Patton and Virgil listened. Virgil looked concerned, but Remus couldn’t read Patton’s face at all.
Finally, when he finished, Patton leaned back and crossed his arms. “Okay,” he said. “I don’t think you’re going to like what I have to say.”
“What?” Remus asked warily.
“You’re going to have to let them burn themselves out.”
Remus instantly shook his head desperately. “I don’t want to—”
“I know,” Patton said gently. “But it sounds like you’ve tried talking with them and pointing out how unhealthy things are and it hasn’t worked. At a certain point, there isn’t anything else you can do than just let them sort it out themselves.”
“But they aren’t.”
Patton gave Remus a hesitant look. “It doesn’t sound like there’s anything you can do about that.”
“Don’t hurt yourself trying to help them,” Virgil said quietly.
Remus shook his head. “Roman’s my brother, and Janus is my best friend.”
Patton nodded, giving him a sympathetic smile. “I know, kiddo.”
Remus didn’t say anything, just wrapped his arms around himself.
“Hey,” Virgil said. “If you want, I have an idea that can help. All of you, I think.”
Remus glanced up at him. “Yeah?”
“You can stay here with me if you want,” Virgil said. “At least as long as you promise not to throw any parties. It’ll give you a chance to breathe, and Roman and Janus might start to realize something’s wrong if they realize they drove you out of the apartment.”
“Who knows how long that’ll take,” Remus muttered. He glanced up at Virgil. “But… okay. Thanks. I’ll pay you back.”
“Eh, you cover food and I’ll call us even,” Virgil said with a dismissive wave.
Remus nodded. “Okay, deal.”
“That sounds like a good plan to me,” Patton said, standing to signify the conversation was moving on. “Now I don’t know about you, but this sounds like an ice cream and movie night situation to me. Do you have a favorite movie, Remus?”
“Shrek,” Remus said instantly.
“Oh god,” Virgil groaned. “I am so going to regret this.”
…
Living with Virgil makes Remus remember what it’s like to enjoy the company of the people you live with.
They end up clicking really well. Remus vibed with spook, so his decorating style fit in with Virgil’s almost perfectly. They both loved horror movies. And while Virgil had betrayed Dreamworks to Disney like his brother, Remus could forgive him because they both shared an adoration for The Nightmare Before Christmas. Patton came around often too, as he and Virgil were apparently much closer than Remus realized. And while Remus didn’t click with Patton nearly as well as Virgil, they shared an affinity for puns and, shockingly, fire (albeit for very different reasons, Patton liked s’mores and Remus liked arson).
He didn’t stop worrying about Janus and Roman, but things felt lighter and more manageable. He didn’t get any questions about where he was, though, which… hurt. But it wasn’t anything he hadn’t expected.
It apparently pissed Patton the fuck off, though.
“You’re their friend!” he exclaimed, throwing his hands up and dropping them back down on the kitchen table. “I understand they’re not in a great place, but they should notice that you haven’t been around in a week and a half! I’ve dealt with blackout drunk people with more awareness!”
Remus snorted. “I’m dying to know how true that statement actually is,” he said, leaning back in his chair.
“It’s not completely untrue,” Patton muttered, rolling his eyes.
“I’m more worried about how they’re doing,” Remus admitted. “They’ve got to be… not good, if they’re this unaware of what’s going on.”
“Roman never seems good at work,” Virgil muttered, from where he was stirring the soup on the stove. “Do you want me to ask about you, or something?”
Remus considered the idea for a minute. “No,” he said eventually. “I… I’d rather just hang out with you guys. I don’t want to put in the effort they’re not giving back anymore.”
Virgil turned and gave him a small smile that meant he thought that was a good choice. “Okay,” he said.
And so life continued. Finals approached. All three of them got ready to fail most of them, then studied their asses off and passed with decent results. In the aftermath, Remus learned that Patton and Virgil apparently did not go anywhere for the holidays, for different reasons. Virgil’s family were transphobic assholes, and Patton’s lived in the same city, so they both usually ended up at Patton’s parents for Christmas. According to Patton, they were very cool with Remus coming along this year.
Remus didn’t want to have to go home and deal with Roman and Janus. He’d called his own parents and explained he wasn’t coming home, and they never particularly wanted to see Remus anyway, so they didn’t care. Roman used to get pissed at them for that attitude. It hurt more than Remus wanted to admit that he wasn’t there to be angry this time.
Patton’s family was spectacular. His parents greeted Patton and Virgil with smiles and squeezing hugs that both of them clearly appreciated. They then turned to Remus and asked if he would be comfortable with a hug, or if he would prefer something else.
Remus wanted a hug after the nightmare of this semester, so he opened his arms, and as expected, Patton’s parents were amazing at hugs.
And that pretty much set the vibe for most of the break. Remus got to feel wanted at Christmastime for the first time in who knows how long. Patton, Virgil, and Patton’s parents were all apparently amazing at making people feel included. Patton and his parents all blamed it on their parents being good at it, and Virgil blamed it on knowing the feeling of not being wanted himself, but that didn’t mean Remus appreciated it any less.
He eventually settled into the idea of staying here for the whole break. He got all the way to Christmas Eve, when everyone else had rushed out to do last minute shopping and Remus was staying behind to make dinner for when they got back. But just as he was putting the cookies in the oven and looking over Patton’s very specific instructions, his phone went off.
Remus grabbed it and answered without looking at who was calling. “Yes, I made sure to add the extra cinnamon, for pete’s sake Pat.”
“…Re?”
Remus nearly dropped the phone. “Roman?”
“Re, can you—” a sob came from the other side of the phone. “Janus— Janus isn’t moving—”
Remus’ heart jumped to his throat. “What? What do you mean Janus isn’t— where the fuck are you?”
“I— I don’t know, the— I think we hit someone, I—”
“Oh my god, hang up and call 911 you idiot!”
“I— okay, okay, I—”
The line cut out and Remus pulled the phone away from his ear, his hand shaking.
He reached for the oven and turned it off, and ran for the living room, grabbed his coat and his car keys, though he didn’t exactly know where to go.
He ended up sitting in his car for a good fifteen minutes and trying to breathe before he got another call from Roman.
“Where are you?” Remus asked, shoving the phone up to his ear.
“In an ambulance, they— they’re taking us to the hospital,” Roman said, an obvious shake still in his voice. “Re, Janus— Janus won’t wake up. He won’t wake up, Re, he won’t—”
“Breathe you moron,” Remus snapped, mostly to cover for his own terror. “I’ll be there as soon as I can. Are you hurt?”
“I— I’m okay I— oh god—”
“Breathe, Roman. In and out through your nose. Is there someone there to help you?”
“They’re helping Janus,” Roman said weakly. “Re, we— we were fighting and— and neither of us were looking at the road, I— this is all my fault, I—”
“Shut up and breathe,” Remus snapped. “I’ll be there soon.”
There’s a moment of silence.
“Roman?”
“Someone’s here,” Roman said shakily. “I— I’ll see you—” The line cuts out again.
Remus started to reach for the shift to put the car in drive, but as soon as he realized his hand was shaking too badly to drive, he switched gears and scrambled for his phone instead, then called Patton.
He wasn’t sure what exactly he was planning on happening, but the second Patton said, “What’s up kiddo?” he burst into tears.
“Remus? Remus what’s wrong?” Patton asked, sounding deeply concerned.
“Janus—” he managed. “Janus is hurt, and Roman— I have to go to the hospital, Pat, I—”
“Remus, you need to breathe,” Patton said, his voice lower and more gentle. “I’m coming back there right now, okay, I’ll drive you.”
“Patton, he— Roman said Janus wasn’t waking up,” Remus choked.
“Okay, don’t think about that. Just breathe. In and out, okay? I’ll be there soon.”
“I— I’m sorry I— you shouldn’t have to deal with me right now—”
“Hey, none of that, kiddo. You’re my friend, and you’re scared, and this is what you do for friends who need it. Just keep breathing. We’re headed out to the car now.”
“Fuck, it’s Christmas Eve,” Remus muttered. “It’s Christmas Eve and you were shopping and I—”
“Remus. Listen to me. There is nowhere we would be other than coming there to help you, do you understand?”
Remus took a shaky breath. “Okay,” he whispered.
“Okay,” Patton said gently. “We’ll be there soon, kiddo.”
They weren’t lying, and Remus suspected Patton’s mother was speeding to get back here, because it took less time than it should have.
Remus was given the front seat of the minivan so he could jump out and run inside when he got to the hospital, and then they all pulled off again, barely remembering to lock Remus’ car.
Remus very much did run out as soon as they got there, and into the main lobby, not bothering to check if anyone was behind him (he was pretty sure they’d forgive his rudeness).
He ran straight to the man at the front desk, who apparently couldn’t tell him anything about Janus since they weren’t related, but his boyfriend Roman should know, and Remus got to hear about him due to brother status.
The man said that Roman was sitting on a bed in the emergency room, since he wasn’t badly hurt enough to need his own room, and was mostly just in shock. So Remus told him there’d be people coming after him who were okay to join, then followed the signs directing him to the emergency room.
Sure enough, there was Roman, sitting on the side of a bed with a bandage on his forehead and staring at the ground, looking faint.
Now that he was actually here, some of the terror was fading a bit, and anger was taking its place.
Remus came to a stop right in front of Roman. “I was making cookies,” he said through gritted teeth.
Roman looked up at him, still seeming too faint to be surprised. “What?”
“I was making,” Remus growled. “Christmas Eve cookies. I was going to eat them, they were going to be delicious, and now there is a bowl of batter sitting on the counter that was chilled last night and was supposed to go right into the fucking oven.”
Roman blinked at him. “What?”
Remus buried his head in his hands and tried very hard not to scream through gritted teeth. “You fuckers were driving? I’m going to kill you both.”
“Remus!”
Remus spun around just in time for Patton to collide into him and pull him up into a bone-crushing hug that they’d been too much of a rush in before for him to give.
Remus buried his head in Patton’s shoulder and let out a shaky breath. A second later Virgil joined from the other side, and all three of them stood there for a minute and breathed.
“It’s okay,” Patton whispered. “It’s okay, it’s gonna be okay.”
Remus pulled back first a couple seconds later with a murmur of thanks, in time to see Patton’s parents approaching, looking equally frazzled. He gave them both a grateful smile as they approached.
Finally, Remus turned back around to look at Roman, who was staring up at the scene in dazed confusion.
“What…” he said weakly, which unfortunately for him caught Virgil’s attention.
“You,” Virgil said with a glare at him. “You little shit. Are you fucking kidding me? What were you thinking?”
Roman leaned back, seeming appropriately nervous. “What?”
“Virgil, it’s okay, I’ll handle this,” Patton said, putting a hand on his shoulder. He walked up to Roman and leaned right in his face.
“What were you thinking? Do you know what you and Janus have put your brother through? Do you have any idea what he’s been dealing with? Do you know how worried he’s been? When was the last time you looked up from your own life long enough to notice he wasn’t there? Or are you just so incapable of pulling your head out of your own B-hole that you didn’t even notice he hasn’t been around in months? What do you have to say for yourself—”
“Okay,” Patton’s father said, coming up from behind and pulling Patton back from Roman. “You are yelling quite a bit at someone who has a head trauma.”
“A minor head trauma,” Virgil muttered angrily.
“It’s okay,” Remus said, despite how little he wanted to. “Just… it’s fine. We’re gonna be here a while, let’s just try not to scream at each other.”
Virgil and Patton looked just as unhappy as he felt saying it, but after a minute they nodded, and they all shifted to stand as comfortably as they could around Roman’s bed.
Roman himself still looked bewildered by everything going on, looking between Remus and Patton and Virgil and Patton’s parents like he had just a bit too much of a concussion to put the pieces together.
Remus didn’t really have the patience to wait for his head to clear.
“What’s happening with Janus,” he said, crossing his arms and looking down at Roman.
Roman glanced up at him and blinked a couple times, then looked down at his hands, which were way too still for someone who fidgeted as much as he did. “Um,” he said. “He’s in surgery. They said he’s probably— probably not gonna die but they can’t be s-sure—” Roman pressed a hand to his mouth and muffled a sob that Remus decidedly did not acknowledge.
“When will they know for sure,” Remus said.
“C-couple hours,” Roman whispered. “He probably won’t be out of surgery by then, but they’ll know.”
“Okay,” Remus said. His voice sounded hollow.
After a second Patton walked over and stood in front of him. “If it’s okay with you, I’m gonna hug you again,” he said.
Remus nodded, because there was nothing he wanted right now more than to have the life squeezed out of him. If he wasn’t pissed at Roman into next Christmas, he might have wanted him to lay on top of him. He’d used to be really good at that. But for now, Patton squeezed him as tightly as he knew Remus liked, and Remus buried his head in Patton’s shoulder and breathed.
Eventually, Patton and Virgil took Remus over to the other side of the emergency room, and Patton’s parents stayed with Roman like the adults who had the emotional bandwidth to deal with Roman right now. If they hadn’t been waiting to hear about Janus, Remus might have taken Virgil and Patton up on their offer to go get Starbucks.
Well. If they hadn’t been waiting to hear about Janus and it wouldn’t have meant leaving Patton’s parents completely alone with Roman.
Finally, a doctor came into the room and headed over for Roman, and Remus leaped up immediately to go join, followed closely by Patton and Virgil.
Once everyone was there, the doctor spoke.
“He’s going to be recovering for a while,” she said. “But he’ll live.”
Remus’ breath rushed out of his lungs and he pressed his head into his hands. Virgil and Patton both wrapped an arm around his shoulders.
“They’ll be done with the surgery in another couple of hours,” the doctor said. “And he’ll probably be asleep for a while after that. Unfortunately we can’t make you very comfortable here. If you’d like, we can contact you when he wakes up.”
No one said anything for a minute, so eventually Patton’s mother stepped forward.
“That will be fine,” she said, as she walked them both a little ways away from Roman. “Who do we leave our number with?”
While the two of them worked that out, Remus turned to look back at Roman, who was staring after them.
“Next time,” Remus said, drawing Roman’s attention. “Can you just have a one night stand so we can all go back to our perfectly good friendship?”
Roman let out a shaky breath. And then another one, and another. Remus saw the breakdown coming a second before Roman did. He sighed to move forward and sit on the bed as Roman leaned over his knees and started to sob, choking out apologies in between winces of pain.
Remus looked over at him for a couple of seconds and then patted him a couple times on the back, which turned into his best attempt at a comforting rub when Roman didn’t stop sobbing. Eventually he turned and pressed his head against Remus’ stomach, and Remus wrapped his arms around him as best he could from the awkward position.
Patton moved after a second and leaned against Remus from the other side, and Virgil sat on Patton’s other side and leaned around to rub Remus’ back. Remus was pretty sure he’d never been more grateful for two people in his life.
After a while, Roman’s sobs quieted, and he pulled back, seeming to realize he didn’t really deserve to ask Remus for comfort. Remus rolled his eyes, let out a sigh, and pulled Roman back to his side anyway.
After a minute, Patton’s mother came back over. “Okay,” she said. “We can take you all back home with us for now. It’ll be a little crowded with Roman there too, but we’ve got an air mattress we can pull out of the basement.”
“You don’t have to do that,” Remus said instantly. “I’ll take Roman back to the old apartment. You should just enjoy your Christmas.”
“Remus,” Patton’s father said, raising an eyebrow. “I’m amazed you think we could enjoy this Christmas without you there.”
Remus blinked. “But—”
“You’re family, mister,” Patton said, leaning his head against Remus.’ “Like we wouldn’t be worried out of our minds if you weren’t there for us to check on.”
Remus looked over at Patton and blinked a couple more times. Patton pulled him into another hug, and Remus let out a shaky breath.
“Okay,” he whispered.
“It doesn’t matter,” Roman said, shifting away from Remus. “I’m staying here.”
Remus turned and gave him a look. “I thought they were going to discharge you.”
Roman nodded. “They were. I’m waiting for Janus to wake up.”
“That’s not a good idea if you’ve had a head injury,” Patton’s mother said, stepping forward. “Just because they’re discharging you doesn’t mean you won’t need to be looked after for a time.”
Roman shook his head, then winced at the movement, another demonstration of why he shouldn’t be staying here alone.
“No, I need to wait for Janus,” he said anyway. “It’s not fair that I’m going to be comfortable in a house while he’s here.”
“Not fair?” Remus asked, raising an eyebrow.
Roman looked down at his hands. “Janus was driving,” he said quietly. “And the car swerved so the passenger side was going to be hit, but then Janus jerked the car around.”
Remus whacked Roman’s arm as hard as he dared. “Idiot. That’s not your fault.”
“He almost died!” Roman said, glaring upwards.
“But he didn’t. Do you think staying here and making things harder on yourself is going to help him? Do you think that’s not exactly what he’d say to you if he was awake and talking?”
Roman looked away.
“Come on,” Remus said. “You have to help me make a new batch of cookies.”
Roman wiped his eyes. “Okay,” he said, his voice cracking horribly on the word.
So everyone eventually made their way to the car, and then back to Patton’s house. Both of Patton’s parents headed out to try and get as much of the shopping done as they still could, and Remus, Patton, Virgil, and Roman, all headed into the house.
Roman did help Remus remake the cookies, and though they’d have to be chilled for another night before they could have them now, he seemed appropriately guilty enough that Remus could forgive him.
Jury was still out on everything else.
…
Roman ended up sitting in the background of most of the Christmas activities, and while Patton’s parents made an effort to talk to him, Remus didn’t, and no one seemed to begrudge him for that. So he spent his time watching The Nightmare Before Christmas with Patton and Virgil, talking over memories they all came up with throughout the night, and opening one present each for Christmas Eve. (Remus got a small morningstar keychain from Virgil that was just sharp enough to make him cackle with delight. Patton opened a card from Virgil that had a very sweet family sentiment on it, and Virgil opened Remus’ gift, which was a giant set of Nightmare Before Christmas posters that Virgil ranted about for twenty minutes.)
They all ended up sleeping curled up in a pile together in the living room as it got later and none of them wanted to move, and Remus was perfectly content sleeping through the night in a pile of tangled limbs.
Or at least, he would have been.
But in the middle of the night, he woke up to the sound of someone walking through the living room, and turned with a grumble to see Roman standing at the edge of the couch.
Remus was tempted for a moment to roll over in a dismissive way and go back to sleep, but then Roman sighed and looked away.
“How much did I miss?” he mumbled.
“What the fuck did you want me to do?” Remus asked. “It’s been months. Did you expect me to wait around forever?”
“No, of course not,” Roman said, crossing his arms, though he looked closer to uncomfortable than to angry. “I… it’s just jarring, okay?”
“Well maybe you should have been there when we met,” Remus said, narrowing his eyes.
Roman nodded. “I know,” he said quietly. “I… I’m sorry, Remus.”
“Gee, thanks. Can I go back to sleep now?”
Roman glared at him. “Hey, I’m actually trying here,” he snapped.
Patton mumbled something and shifted in his sleep.
Remus glanced over at him, then sighed and slipped away from his side, then stood, walking as quietly as he could over to Roman. He grabbed his arm and pulled him towards the back patio, unlocking and opening the screen door, then closing it behind them.
Roman shivered and wrapped his arms around himself. “It’s cold as shit.”
“Deal with it,” Remus snapped. “You know something? I tried too, you shithead. I tried over and over. I tried to talk to you, I tried to include myself in your lives more, I tried voicing my concerns. The one time you apologized and offered to try and make it up to me, you went right back to arguing before we could get started, so I stormed out of the apartment and got drunk and didn’t come back. And you never noticed.”
Roman looked down at his feet with obvious shame. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I didn’t— I couldn’t see past my own shit.”
“Glad you finally worked that out.”
“What do you want me to say?” Roman asked, looking up almost desperately at Remus, sounding dangerously close to crying again. “I’m sorry. I don’t— do you want me to say something else?”
“Do I have to forgive you because you’re sorry?” Remus exclaimed, throwing his hands up. “You fucker. You hurt me. That shit fucked me up.”
“I’m sorry,” Roman said again. “I don’t know what else to say. I don’t have an explanation. I don’t have an excuse. You know what happened. I don’t know what else to say.”
Remus laughed bitterly, looking up at the sky. He didn’t know what else he wanted him to say either.
“Please,” Roman choked out, wrapping his arms around himself. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please don’t leave me alone with him again.”
Remus looked back down at him. Roman pressed his hands to his face and started to sob, big heaving ones that seemed to shake his whole body.
Remus sighed and pressed his own hand to his forehead. “Okay,” he muttered.
Roman looked back at him through his tears, and Remus reached out and pulled him in. Roman started sobbing more apologies onto his shoulder, and Remus listened to him and tried to figure out why they weren’t working for him when he clearly meant them.
“Roman?” he said after a second.
Roman took a huge effort of a breath. “Yeah?” he managed.
“Prove it.”
Roman took another shaky breath and nodded. “Okay,” he said. “Okay, I will.”
Remus nodded back, and for now wrapped his arms around Roman again. It was in fact cold as balls outside, but Remus didn’t want to go back in and risk waking everyone up, so for now they held each other close and shivered and shook at the same time.
…
Janus woke up a day and a half after his surgery ended. They all headed down to the hospital together again, and were sent up to Janus’ room. Remus had no idea what to expect at this point.
Patton and Virgil stayed nearby, but Remus walked into Janus’ room with a hand on Roman’s arm, mostly because Roman was shaking too much to walk without him.
Janus… well, he’d looked better.
His left arm and leg were both in casts, and his face on that side was horribly bruised and swollen. His right side had cuts and injuries that were obviously going to scar, and even though his face was partially obscured from the way he was leaning back and looking up at the ceiling, Remus could tell it was scrunched up in pain.
He squeezed his eyes shut and tightened his grip on Roman’s arm, despite himself.
Roman reached out and squeezed his hand before quietly calling, “Janus?”
Janus jerked upright at the noise, then winced in a way that looked painful.
“Roman,” he said anyway, and then he glanced over, and his face dropped. “Remus?”
Remus jerked his arm away from Roman and crossed his arms tightly over his chest. “Idiot,” he grumbled. Patton walked up and gave Remus a side hug, and Virgil put a hand on his shoulder from the other side.
Roman walked over to the bed and took Janus’ hand, at least the one that wasn’t wrapped in a cast. Neither of them said anything for a long moment, and then Roman whispered, “I’m so sorry.”
Remus got the feeling he was talking about more than just the car crash.
His theory was confirmed a second later when Janus nodded weakly and quietly said, “Me too.”
Remus turned and dropped his head on Patton’s shoulder, who wrapped an arm around him from behind. He wasn’t sure if he should give them privacy to talk because clearly they needed to, or stay here and monitor based on their terrible terrible track record.
Before he could make a decision, however, Janus called out his name.
Remus looked up at him, not even bothering to hide the exhaustion. “What?”
“I’m sorry,” Janus said. “For whatever that’s worth to you, with how insufficient it is.”
Remus bit his lip, and, just like with Roman, said “Prove it.”
Janus nodded. “Alright,” he said, though he sounded exhausted at the prospect. Remus didn’t much care.
“And also,” Remus said, pulling away from Patton and walking towards Janus, who looked very startled at the motion. “If you fucking ever scare me like that again, I swear to god, I’ll steal all of your favorite bowler hats and smother them in glitter glue.”
Remus half expected Janus to laugh, or roll his eyes, or threaten Remus back. Instead, he looked away and pulled in a shaky breath.
“I don’t really want to do this again either, Remus,” he said, and his voice cracked on the last word.
Remus sniffed and leaned in, wrapping his arms around Janus as gently as he could. “I hate you so much,” he managed.
Janus didn’t say anything, just leaned heavily into Remus and started to cry.
Roman joined in on the hug from the other side, and then all three of them were sitting there together, and it had been so long since Remus hadn’t felt exhausted by the both of them being in the same space as him, but as they all sat there and cried a small piece of his broken chest started to put itself back together.
And even after all of their tears dried, none of them moved for a minute, and then another piece of his chest did the same thing.
“What,” Janus said weakly after a second. “What happened to the person we hit?”
“She’s fine,” Remus said, glad he’d thought this far ahead. “Not nearly as badly hurt. Just has a stiff neck and a broken arm.”
Janus nodded, though dread seemed to grow on his face at the news. “There is no way in hell I can afford the bills for all of this. I’m going to be in debt for the rest of my life.”
“Don’t worry about that,” came Virgil’s sudden voice from over by the door. All three of them glanced over towards him to find him looking up from where he and Patton had been respectfully looking down at his phone. “Patton’s parents know how to work the system. They helped me get my top surgery bill down to almost zero. And that wasn’t even life threatening. You’ll be fine. Can’t say your car insurance bill won’t go through the roof, but you don’t have to worry about medical stuff.”
Janus shook his head, looking slightly confused. “Patton’s parents?”
“Hi,” Patton said with a wave of his fingers. “I’m Patton. And I imagine you know Virgil from all the times you yelled at Roman for spending time with him! We’re Remus’ friends now, and now you’re both stuck with us for his sake. We’re gonna help make this as painless as possible for you and Roman both.” He smiled just a little too wide. “For him.”
Janus swallowed. “Understood,” he said weakly.
“I’m so glad you do,” Patton said. He turned to Remus with a much warmer smile. “Virgil and I are gonna go get some food to give you all some time to talk, okay? What would you like?”
“Anything greasy delicious and terrible for me,” Remus said.
Patton gave him a nod. “You’ve got it,” he said.
“See you in a bit,” Virgil called with a mini salute.
As soon as they shut the door after them, Janus gave a harsh sigh. Remus turned to watch him lean back against his pillows with a slow, pained breath.
“Are you okay?” Roman asked.
“Well,” Janus said. “No. Not really. Everything hurts. So much.”
Roman winced. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly.
“What? Why?” Janus asked, giving him a baffled look. “That’s not your fault.”
“But— if you hadn’t swerved the car then—”
“Then you would be badly hurt,” Janus said, narrowing his eyes. “Moron.”
Remus turned and gave Roman his best ‘Told you so’ look. Roman swatted him away.
Then after a minute, he bit his lip and turned back to Janus. “Hey Janus?”
“Yes?”
“I’m breaking up with you.”
Janus closed his eyes in obvious relief. “Okay,” he said weakly.
Remus didn’t say anything, just looked down and breathed his own relief, as quietly as he could manage.
The next couple months were going to suck. But one thing Remus could say today that he hadn’t been able to say yesterday, was that there was at least something of a light at the end of the tunnel.
…
Janus’ recovery did suck. Patton’s parents had managed to cut the hospital bill down to almost nothing, which Remus paid off while Janus was recovering and Janus was going to pay back later. But that was just the tip of the iceberg.
Roman was fully recovered in a couple weeks, but Janus was in pain for months. He was exhausted and hurting and miserable, and it was hard for Remus to watch.
But he helped, because he had promised Roman he wouldn’t leave the two of them alone, and because he had still missed them like an amputated limb. And now they were acknowledging his presence again, which made that ache start to go away.
They were managing to prove it this time, to the point that even Patton and Virgil had to acknowledge they seemed to have learned their lesson, finally. Neither of them liked Janus or Roman very much still, but they let them hang around, and that seemed good enough for Janus and Roman.
Things weren’t back to how they were, and Remus wasn’t quite sure if they ever would be, honestly. Janus and Roman had a tendency to walk on eggshells around each other now. Both of them checked in on Remus a bit too much, and Remus was going to have to have a talk with them about it eventually. Their attempts to build something new out of what had been broken were clumsy and awkward.
But they were trying. And Remus felt fairly sure they’d get there eventually. And besides, if they went back, they wouldn’t have Patton and Virgil, or Patton’s parents who were an amazing substitute for Remus’ own and seemed almost enthusiastic to take up the job.
So, no, things weren’t going to go back to normal. But while things had been lost, lessons had been learned, and things had been gained too.
And Remus was looking forward to whatever it was that came next.
