#transition changes

[beans-tour-diary]

Day 490

I just saw a post about crying on testosterone and thought I'd share my experience so far.

I don't think it's exactly harder to cry, just different. I have bawled my eyes out just a few months ago, pretty similar to how I did before hrt. Sometimes I feel like crying, but my previous standard light crying with wet sobbs has been replaced with dry sobbing and yowling.

I personally don't feel like I lost a way to express emotions, it's just very different and sometimes confusing to figure out how it works now.

[beans-tour-diary]

Day 154

5 Months! 🎉

Today 5 months ago I got my first bit of t. I was so nervous and then the gel disappeared so fast. Now it's part of my morning routine, right after brushing my teeth.

Not even half a year and especially my hair changed. More and darker on my legs, thicker on my head and the tiniest dark moustache hairs in my face.

My voice noticeably changed. I try to keep track of it every now and then. It's kinda crazy to see how it slowly dropped.

I'm still incredibly uncomfortable with correcting people about my pronouns (but that's what friends are for!). Mostly because I'm scared they will make fun of me, but maybe also because completely binary pronouns aren't what I really want. It's still amazing to hear and see a male name and pronouns.

I haven't decided on one name yet. So far I've been using my nickname. I could also use it as a full name but there are so many beautiful names out there! Maybe I'll make a post on a trans subreddit and let strangers decide. Or I'll just stay in name limbo forever, because it all feels weird. Either too unique or too different from my old name. Just think of the poor people who'll have to remember a new name...

Please someone pull the emergency breaks in my brain before I loose it completely 🥲 No think!! Only manly man!!! Manly man need no name, only dick!!!!

[beans-tour-diary]

Day 422

Long time no see!

I read/saw a few posts about other people's transition experiences the last few days and wanted to write a bit about how mine was different.

First of all: I'm pretty happy that I haven't gotten taller or bigger feet. A little bit of height would have been nice, but I was so scared I would have to buy new shoes. From what I've seen online it's not that unusual to grow noticeably, so I guess I got lucky.

I'm still amazed by how fast my facial hair got dark. They have gotten more since I noticed the first ones, but it's not that noticeable of a change. It's not even just my moustache that got dark! I also found two little hairs on my chin. The peach fuzz on my cheeks just got a lot longer, but not dark yet.

I'm pretty sure my scent has already started changing, but not as extreme as some other people's. I didn't have a moment when I noticed it being overwhelmingly strong and different. So far I've gotten through the day with just normal deodorant in the morning.

My voice is still cracking all over the place. I haven't talked so much that it hurt in a long time. Maybe it got better or I just talked less. The louder I talk the wilder the voice cracks get, but I've gotten used to it. I'm excited to see where it ends up when the cracking stops.

If everything works out I can change my name at the end of this year. I'm pretty sure I'm just going to shorten it to my nickname, but I'll probably use at least one other name online. I just don't feel comfortable using a new name in real life. Online and real life also feel a bit like different people, not just because of the difference in language.

I have been on gel since the first day and I'm very happy with my results so far. There seems to be some people having issues with gel not being absorbed, but there's also so many who it works for. So if anyone isn't comfortable with shots, but isn't sure if gel works at all, it does for a lot of people. I don't know how high the chance of it not working is, but I've only heard about it recently after years of being in trans spaces online, so it doesn't seem to be that many people who have this issue.

Everyone's body is different, everyone's transition is different. We have some similar experiences, but also a lot of very different ones. I was very positively surprised by how fast everything happened, it could've been the opposite. I could've gotten my first dark moustache hair after a year. The important thing is: changes happen. They happen slowly but steady. And I'm so excited to see where the journey is going to lead.

[beans-tour-diary]

Day 83

I need bigger underwear.

The bean has been visibly growing for a while now. Over the last few weeks or so, it got incredibly sensitive. Nothing compares to the feeling of fabric being pulled over it, when it's a bit far out of it's little house.

I would like to say "No-one prepared me for this!" but it's just an impossible thing to actually explain how it feels.

You know when your leg falls asleep and it get all tingly? Imagine that but downsized. Same amount of tingles, smaller space. And make it faster. All this on a surface area of a few millimetres.

I don't know if anyone will read this in their preparation for their transition. But if they are, they should know that it's nothing like you expected. It's your expectations made into a smoothie with a bit of chaos in there. It's amazing but you're not quite sure if your even able to taste any of the original ingredients.

It's also not a constant change. Sometimes you notice three different things in one day, then nothing exciting for a month. And sometimes people around you will notice things before you do. It's weird. But not in a bad way.

btw my body is still shivering because I accidentally touched the bean with my panties as I was putting them on 🥲 Feeling how different my body is nice, but not like that... I could do without brutal overstimulation.

an appropriate meme:

[beans-tour-diary]

Day 146

My dearest readers, this one will not be for the ones, who don't like thinking about naked people. (yes, I'm talking to you, the one person I know in real life who sees my posts) 👀

Two weeks after I started t I felt the second brain growing between my legs. The one that makes you think about that one hot cosplayer you saw last weekend uncontrollably. And I knew I had to get some toys to keep it busy.

I looked into toys specifically for people with bottom growth and read some top lists of other ftm people. Air suction interested me even before, but it seems like it's also perfect for that little t bean. Important was the size of the nozzle, which is made with mostly cis women in mind. This article didn't just offer measurements but pictures with objects for size reference!

The 6 Best Air-Pulse / Suction Toys for Trans Men in 2023

Finding air pulse toys that fit post-testosterone on top of having gender-neutral designs definitely can be a challenge. Challenge accepted!

I followed the advice of this author and finally spent some money. The package arrived yesterday. I heard so much about other peoples' experiences but I was still completely overwhelmed. This thing just sucked/blew my brains out.

It took me some tries to get it to do its thing right, but when it did, there was no doubt that this was it's purpose. I don't have that much growth yet, but that doesn't really matter. As long as it fits, it will work. My dear ftm friends, don't underestimate trying out new stuff on your new body. Just enjoy yourself.

Sadly my body seemed to think, that I want to check if all my funny female organs still work and decided to demonstrate it's abilities by bleeding... Something I really didn't miss. Luckily my brain was still gone when I noticed, so it didn't annoy me as much as it would have. Still, just don't? Imagine I need that blood for something else!

[beans-tour-diary]

Day 136

My bottle getting empty reminded me to look up how long I'm already doing this. The last bottle lasted me 68 days so if my math is right this one should be empty tomorrow? I have one more left, but I also haven't made a new appointment to get my prescription yet. Guess I have at least another 60 days to get that done.

I'm still not sure what my cycle is doing. My emotions are sometimes weird, but my body doesn’t do anything. I guess that's not that bad? Just so weird.

My skin didn't get any worse since last time. I expected it to continue to worsen so I might have been a bit more scared than needed. But now I'm very positively surprised. As always, I really think the skincare is helping a lot. Also: Regularly changing bedsheets is important! Not only like every few months...

The most exciting thing that happened was me starting my internship! I applied with my nickname. At first I got misgendered, until I hade the courage to correct people. It took a few tries, but it went better than expected. After I handed over my paperwork there was a little situation. At first he didn't notice and left the room. A minute later he was back asking about where my name is from. My heart started racing as soon as I saw him stop walking. After I answered he asked about how the paperwork is addressed at a woman. Yea, I kinda expected that question. He actually straight up asked me if I'm transitioning and immediately crossed out the wrong stuff on the paperwork when I said 'yes' 🥺

It was weird and uncomfortable to be 'discovered' like that by a cishet old guy. But his incredibly chill reaction, even if a bit direct, was even wilder to me. I'm always expecting the worst case and then I didn’t even have to explain a lot. I don't know if my coworkers clock me. A few asked the head of department about me and he used the right pronouns talking to them. But the others? Well, there's also the two guys who I ran into in the mens bathroom. They seemed a bit confused and just left pretty fast. Maybe they also didn't want me eavesdropping on their gossip.

Oh, and I think I'm getting pretty good voice training at work. If I have just short conversations or answer a question, I don't remember to watch out for my pitch before I speak. But when I talk to more or less strangers for longer, I really focus on sounding deep and still natural. Overall this internship is just such an exciting and weirdly euphoric experience.

(how I feel when a not queer person asks about my gender. help.)

No cats or sharks where harmed in the making of this post.

[beans-tour-diary]

Day 93

Today, three months ago, the first drop of T-gel touched my skin. That's ¼ of a year! Let's do a little recap what happened since then.

My blood pressure is higher, which makes me less dizzy than before. Overall my health improved a bit.

I'm way hungrier. It's not easy to keep up. My muscles should be growing right now, but I can't get myself to work out.

My voice went through a lot. It was one of the first changes I noticed. Right now it's not really deep, just different. My throat gets sore way faster than before, but I just love talking.

Acne happened and is happening. It was slower and not as extreme as I thought, but still very noticeable. I did a pretty good job with my skincare routine.

I'm still emotional like before. Maybe even a bit more. My cycle is also still kind of happening and influencing my mood. I can and will cry at everything.

Bottom growth is different than I expected, but very exciting. It gave me an amazing kind of gender euphoria (it's like a tiny dick). Over the last few weeks it got way more sensitive and sometimes just hurts a bit depending on my clothes. I really should invest in some boxer shorts...

I could probably count the dark hairs over my lips. They are thin and not very visible, but way darker than what I had before. I'm so excited for my first time shaving!

My smell definitely changed. I bought some Old Spice deodorant the day I got my prescription and it's handling my smelly puberty body incredibly well. Also, it smells like gummy bears?

[beans-tour-diary]

Day 83

Fuck me I guess?

I thought my original hormone cycle was gone for good. No. After one chill month it's back and as bad as before.

I'm way more emotional, positive and negative. I'm always a bit exhausted. And today I even lost blood. I really thought two months ago would be the last time for a while.

I was never that good at handling my period depression. It always feels like my meds just completely stop working. How genius that I tried to lower my dose a few days before (I was on a higher dose for a few weeks bc of stress, which is now gone).

Right now I'm thinking about if I actually need the higher dose to function or if it's just these few days that feel like shit. Of course I'm mostly thinking about worst case scenarios. Nothing realistic.

Let's talk about Barbie.

I'm planning on sewing a tiny punk outfit for my Barbie for when we go to see the movie. I will of course wear pink. It just would be so cute to kinda change outfits for a day.