#testosterone puberty

[dont-burn-the-box]

every guy on T ever

Credit

[beans-tour-diary]

Day 490

I just saw a post about crying on testosterone and thought I'd share my experience so far.

I don't think it's exactly harder to cry, just different. I have bawled my eyes out just a few months ago, pretty similar to how I did before hrt. Sometimes I feel like crying, but my previous standard light crying with wet sobbs has been replaced with dry sobbing and yowling.

I personally don't feel like I lost a way to express emotions, it's just very different and sometimes confusing to figure out how it works now.

[prof-grace-aspen]

I saw your reply about puberty and cystic acne and I hope you don't mind me asking - I had awful acne and still do from my e-dominant puberty (paired with dermatillomania for a double whammy), and you mentioning you didn't have that on T-dominant puberty made me curious. What was the actual acne situation like? Did you find skincare got easier for you?

Hi!

So, my acne was entirely on my face when I was a teen and in my 20's. It finally went away by itself when I was 28. I was still presenting as a woman at the time, and I went through a bit of a second puberty at that age, which is normal - many people find their hormones shift a second time. I gained some weight, and my hips, butt, and breasts grew a second time. I "filled out", so to speak. And that hormonal change completely erased my acne. I would get the rare pimple on my face but that was it.

I'm 38 now and I'm on T. I have some acne again, but it's almost completely on my torso. I get the occasional one on my face but they're easy to deal with. The ones on my torso are mostly on my sides and somewhat on my mid-back. I have some CeraVe acne lotion I use and that seems to help when I need it, but for the most part I leave it alone. It's not on my face so it doesn't bother me!

[beans-tour-diary]

Day 366

Today is the last day of my first year on T. I'm on my sixth bottle of gel.

My voice has dropped significantly. These are both of me trying to talk as deep as comfortably possible.

I've grown a visible little mustache as well as very long and dark hair on the lower part of my legs. My hair also became more structured and untameable. Of course there's more body hair, bottom growth, no period, skin issues, strength...

Everything I expected and more.

Tomorrow is the first day of my second year on T.

[beans-tour-diary]

Day 422

Long time no see!

I read/saw a few posts about other people's transition experiences the last few days and wanted to write a bit about how mine was different.

First of all: I'm pretty happy that I haven't gotten taller or bigger feet. A little bit of height would have been nice, but I was so scared I would have to buy new shoes. From what I've seen online it's not that unusual to grow noticeably, so I guess I got lucky.

I'm still amazed by how fast my facial hair got dark. They have gotten more since I noticed the first ones, but it's not that noticeable of a change. It's not even just my moustache that got dark! I also found two little hairs on my chin. The peach fuzz on my cheeks just got a lot longer, but not dark yet.

I'm pretty sure my scent has already started changing, but not as extreme as some other people's. I didn't have a moment when I noticed it being overwhelmingly strong and different. So far I've gotten through the day with just normal deodorant in the morning.

My voice is still cracking all over the place. I haven't talked so much that it hurt in a long time. Maybe it got better or I just talked less. The louder I talk the wilder the voice cracks get, but I've gotten used to it. I'm excited to see where it ends up when the cracking stops.

If everything works out I can change my name at the end of this year. I'm pretty sure I'm just going to shorten it to my nickname, but I'll probably use at least one other name online. I just don't feel comfortable using a new name in real life. Online and real life also feel a bit like different people, not just because of the difference in language.

I have been on gel since the first day and I'm very happy with my results so far. There seems to be some people having issues with gel not being absorbed, but there's also so many who it works for. So if anyone isn't comfortable with shots, but isn't sure if gel works at all, it does for a lot of people. I don't know how high the chance of it not working is, but I've only heard about it recently after years of being in trans spaces online, so it doesn't seem to be that many people who have this issue.

Everyone's body is different, everyone's transition is different. We have some similar experiences, but also a lot of very different ones. I was very positively surprised by how fast everything happened, it could've been the opposite. I could've gotten my first dark moustache hair after a year. The important thing is: changes happen. They happen slowly but steady. And I'm so excited to see where the journey is going to lead.

[beans-tour-diary]

Day 329

I feel like I want a new name. But maybe I just want to be seen as a new person and not be connected to who I was.

The name I'm going by right now is a nickname for my birth name. Most of my family and my friends have been using it since before I figured out I'm trans. It's also gender neutral and a name that's actually used in scandinavian countries.

Still, it feels like especially my close family doesn't see me as who I am. It seems like they still see me as some kind of girl I never really was. I'm pretty sure this influences my issues with my name a lot.

I have been looking for fitting names a lot, but nothing really feels like me. Even if so many are really pretty! Of course it's also just scary to change something big like this and having to tell people.

Maybe I'll wake up some day and have a solution for all of this.

[beans-tour-diary]

Day 83

I need bigger underwear.

The bean has been visibly growing for a while now. Over the last few weeks or so, it got incredibly sensitive. Nothing compares to the feeling of fabric being pulled over it, when it's a bit far out of it's little house.

I would like to say "No-one prepared me for this!" but it's just an impossible thing to actually explain how it feels.

You know when your leg falls asleep and it get all tingly? Imagine that but downsized. Same amount of tingles, smaller space. And make it faster. All this on a surface area of a few millimetres.

I don't know if anyone will read this in their preparation for their transition. But if they are, they should know that it's nothing like you expected. It's your expectations made into a smoothie with a bit of chaos in there. It's amazing but you're not quite sure if your even able to taste any of the original ingredients.

It's also not a constant change. Sometimes you notice three different things in one day, then nothing exciting for a month. And sometimes people around you will notice things before you do. It's weird. But not in a bad way.

btw my body is still shivering because I accidentally touched the bean with my panties as I was putting them on 🥲 Feeling how different my body is nice, but not like that... I could do without brutal overstimulation.

an appropriate meme:

[beans-tour-diary]

Day 236

Christmas was uneventful. My mom got me a men's shower set, that was pretty funny. Other than that, I had a little talk about pronouns with her, that went well.

Since I got back I had a lot to think about. It wasn't an issue when I was gone, but now that I'm back with my partner, my desire is through the roof. It's actually annoying.

It also made me think about the possibility of being on the ace spectrum again. Sounds like the exact opposite, doesn't it? Well, I've noticed over the years how I only feel desire, even when alone, if I have a person to I'm into. When I'm single and not looking, I feel it maybe every third month. The few days at my parents' I was away from my partner who I usually live with. We also didn't text a lot. Before and after my desire was 📈, you know, how a teenage boy just is. During it was practically non existent?! So either my parents really stressed me out or my desire is very connected to other people.

In other news: I'm starting to struggle with my name.

I've been using a nickname I've had since second grade. I also use it in a chat game app I've been using a lot for reasons and it feels so wrong. Yes, it's just a short version of my dead name, but I thought it would be good. I'm so scared of getting a completely new name and having to explain it to my family. Why can't I just be comfortable with the nickname?

I really expected this all to be mentally less exhausting. Why do all these things come up when I'm already that far? Shouldn't this be something my brain thinks about way earlier?