arzeus

🩷 he/they 🩵 24y 🤍 stole my name from the pokémon god 🩵 hrt 09/05/2023 🩷

[beans-tour-diary]

Day 941

I got my blood taken a few days ago. Next week in my appointment I'm gonna ask for a higher dose since I'm still on just one pump a day. I met some other trans guys over the summer and all of them got higher doses just a few weeks into starting t.

[beans-tour-diary]

Day 824

I wrote multiple drafts, that I never posted. I don't know why exactly. They just didn't feel right.

At the moment I'm thinking about asking my endocrinologist for a higher dose of testosterone. I met an old friend and some other trans guys, who told me about their dosage and progress. It seems like I should be able to go on two pumps, instead of just one a day. My blood work has always looked good and my progress feels very stagnant, so I think it's very much possible.

In the last half year I wore skirts in the first time since forever again. I even went out in one. When I look in the mirror, feminine clothing doesn't make me look like a girl anymore. I look more like a guy in a skirt or a guy at a cute slumber party.

I still get misgendered a lot on the phone. Maybe that's also why I feel like I need a higher dose of testosterone. But I've also heard about other trans people that I see as passing incredibly well, being misgendered a lot. So I guess my perception of things is a little different than most people's.

[beans-tour-diary]

Day 560

I have my official name change appointment this week. Changing both name and gender entry will cost me 60€. I also have a new testo prescription I have to get, that will also cost me 10€.

I know 70€ isn't much compared to how difficult and expensive things are in other countries, but it's interesting to see how even here, where we have healthcare and new laws, I'll have to spend 70€ to be myself. It's also a one time thing. I only need a new prescription every 6 months, so that's pretty chill. It just happened to fall on the same month as the legal change stuff. But I'll also have to get a new ID, drivers license and other stuff that's not going to be cheap.

I'll probably write an email to all my university lecturers, telling them about the legal name change and also again about my pronouns, since some people still don't get it.

[beans-tour-diary]

Day 490

I just saw a post about crying on testosterone and thought I'd share my experience so far.

I don't think it's exactly harder to cry, just different. I have bawled my eyes out just a few months ago, pretty similar to how I did before hrt. Sometimes I feel like crying, but my previous standard light crying with wet sobbs has been replaced with dry sobbing and yowling.

I personally don't feel like I lost a way to express emotions, it's just very different and sometimes confusing to figure out how it works now.

[beans-tour-diary]

Day 483

Puberty is hitting my skin hard. I thought I just got lucky and wouldn't have to worry, but seems like it caught up with me. There's things on my neck that look a bit like alien eggs...

Something I myself didn't really notice, but others pointed out to me: stuff in my throat moves visibly more when I talk. I haven't checked the progress of my voice in a while, but I'm pretty sure it just drops continuously.

Also in my throat: weird slimy stuff. You know when men clear their throat really intensely and spit out a glob of slime? I think that's a very testosterone thing.

[beans-tour-diary]

Day 460

Yesterday I had an appointment at the registry office to legally change my name and gender. My name will be shortened to my nickname and my gender will be left blank.

I called on the first day the new law came into effect, the 1st of august, but they were pretty busy, so we made the appointment for a little later. I now have to wait three months, then I can go back there and tell them, that I didn't change my mind and then it will be official. I'll have to get a new ID, passport, driver's license, bank card, health insurance card and whatever else there is.

It kind of feels like I've won now. Like they didn't want me to do this for to long, but I did it anyways.

Something else that has been on my mind for a while now, is my sexual identity. I was a girl who liked girls and guys and everyone else for a long long time and I was pretty happy calling myself bisexual. Since then I transitioned and also noticed, that I'm mostly into people that are feminine in their presentation and/or their identity. Since I also fit in that category of somewhat feminine, being a femboy, I feel very connected to the label sapphic. I read some posts about he/him lesbians that make me feel pretty validated to call myself sapphic.

In the end, it doesn't matter that much. I very rarely have to describe my attraction to anyone and most of the times I just say "everyone".

[beans-tour-diary]

Day 422

Long time no see!

I read/saw a few posts about other people's transition experiences the last few days and wanted to write a bit about how mine was different.

First of all: I'm pretty happy that I haven't gotten taller or bigger feet. A little bit of height would have been nice, but I was so scared I would have to buy new shoes. From what I've seen online it's not that unusual to grow noticeably, so I guess I got lucky.

I'm still amazed by how fast my facial hair got dark. They have gotten more since I noticed the first ones, but it's not that noticeable of a change. It's not even just my moustache that got dark! I also found two little hairs on my chin. The peach fuzz on my cheeks just got a lot longer, but not dark yet.

I'm pretty sure my scent has already started changing, but not as extreme as some other people's. I didn't have a moment when I noticed it being overwhelmingly strong and different. So far I've gotten through the day with just normal deodorant in the morning.

My voice is still cracking all over the place. I haven't talked so much that it hurt in a long time. Maybe it got better or I just talked less. The louder I talk the wilder the voice cracks get, but I've gotten used to it. I'm excited to see where it ends up when the cracking stops.

If everything works out I can change my name at the end of this year. I'm pretty sure I'm just going to shorten it to my nickname, but I'll probably use at least one other name online. I just don't feel comfortable using a new name in real life. Online and real life also feel a bit like different people, not just because of the difference in language.

I have been on gel since the first day and I'm very happy with my results so far. There seems to be some people having issues with gel not being absorbed, but there's also so many who it works for. So if anyone isn't comfortable with shots, but isn't sure if gel works at all, it does for a lot of people. I don't know how high the chance of it not working is, but I've only heard about it recently after years of being in trans spaces online, so it doesn't seem to be that many people who have this issue.

Everyone's body is different, everyone's transition is different. We have some similar experiences, but also a lot of very different ones. I was very positively surprised by how fast everything happened, it could've been the opposite. I could've gotten my first dark moustache hair after a year. The important thing is: changes happen. They happen slowly but steady. And I'm so excited to see where the journey is going to lead.

[aureamors]

Preface

Uhhhhh hello. Hopefully I will be starting testosterone soon so this blog will be for documenting that

I've rarely seen people talking about all sides of starting hrt in one place (the good, the bad, and the ugly), so I'm gonna do this when I start it just so people who were like me when I was first looking into side effects and actual potential downsides among the good things can get education on all parts of at least my experience. It ofc won't be universal, but yeah

I'm not quite sold yet on if I should make an age cut off for this as I do want people to be able to educate themselves freely, however if I do end up getting into more sexual territory (as yeah. All sides of the experience lmao) I will mark it as 18+ and if I see any minors interacting w those posts, I'll block

I'm open to any questions that may arise about my experiences as I post them, in fact I encourage them bc I want people to be as educated as they are in this day and age there's kind of a lot of misinformation about being trans out there rn 💀

I'll probably slowly post stuff on my experience with being trans before I accessed hormones, as well as my other mental conditions because they have effected me getting hrt (will probably be in multiple parts bc uh. I've been openly trans since 14, and I'm now 19 lmao) at some point soon.

Tbh this could also take a while to get started because I have not yet 100% been approved for a referral to someone who can measure my hormones and all that jazz, but my chances are looking good rn so hopefully 🙏

[beans-tour-diary]

Day 366

Today is the last day of my first year on T. I'm on my sixth bottle of gel.

My voice has dropped significantly. These are both of me trying to talk as deep as comfortably possible.

I've grown a visible little mustache as well as very long and dark hair on the lower part of my legs. My hair also became more structured and untameable. Of course there's more body hair, bottom growth, no period, skin issues, strength...

Everything I expected and more.

Tomorrow is the first day of my second year on T.

[beans-tour-diary]

Day 362

It's been a wild few weeks!

I've been having crazy voice breaks. Talking a bit louder than normal sounds like a rollercoaster. It's very exciting but also a bit annoying, because after talking for 2 hours straight my throat starts hurting. But I love talking!!

My facial hair is also slowly making progress. The peach fuzz on my cheeks is way longer and my moustache gets darker and darker.

I'm not really close with other trans masc people in real life, so I went looking for discord servers to chat about transitioning stuff. I found a few, but they are all pretty small. On my search I stumbled over a few general trans servers, one of them seemingly entirely inhabited by chasers 🥲

Also: I went to my first gaming/anime/nerd convention! It was not that big but soo cool. Probably the perfect size for me, because I could look at everything multiple times before I got tired and wanted to leave. Maybe I'll actually make a cosplay for my next con.

my con companions

[beans-tour-diary]

Day 329

I feel like I want a new name. But maybe I just want to be seen as a new person and not be connected to who I was.

The name I'm going by right now is a nickname for my birth name. Most of my family and my friends have been using it since before I figured out I'm trans. It's also gender neutral and a name that's actually used in scandinavian countries.

Still, it feels like especially my close family doesn't see me as who I am. It seems like they still see me as some kind of girl I never really was. I'm pretty sure this influences my issues with my name a lot.

I have been looking for fitting names a lot, but nothing really feels like me. Even if so many are really pretty! Of course it's also just scary to change something big like this and having to tell people.

Maybe I'll wake up some day and have a solution for all of this.

[celinethefeline]

[beans-tour-diary]

Day 321

I tried to write a new post a few times now and finally did it. I guess I just didn't really have the energy.

I don't think anything crazy happened transition wise. It feels a bit like I'm in season 3 of puberty, because my voice is cracking more again. Maybe my facial hair is also a bit darker. A friend at uni commented on it when we saw each other again after months. So I'm not imagining it!

I also think I'm getting better at correcting my teachers. Most of the time I just mumble to myself but sometimes I actually correct them.

Ye, whatever. Smallest little shit update ever I guess.

[beans-tour-diary]

Day 236

Christmas was uneventful. My mom got me a men's shower set, that was pretty funny. Other than that, I had a little talk about pronouns with her, that went well.

Since I got back I had a lot to think about. It wasn't an issue when I was gone, but now that I'm back with my partner, my desire is through the roof. It's actually annoying.

It also made me think about the possibility of being on the ace spectrum again. Sounds like the exact opposite, doesn't it? Well, I've noticed over the years how I only feel desire, even when alone, if I have a person to I'm into. When I'm single and not looking, I feel it maybe every third month. The few days at my parents' I was away from my partner who I usually live with. We also didn't text a lot. Before and after my desire was 📈, you know, how a teenage boy just is. During it was practically non existent?! So either my parents really stressed me out or my desire is very connected to other people.

In other news: I'm starting to struggle with my name.

I've been using a nickname I've had since second grade. I also use it in a chat game app I've been using a lot for reasons and it feels so wrong. Yes, it's just a short version of my dead name, but I thought it would be good. I'm so scared of getting a completely new name and having to explain it to my family. Why can't I just be comfortable with the nickname?

I really expected this all to be mentally less exhausting. Why do all these things come up when I'm already that far? Shouldn't this be something my brain thinks about way earlier?

[beans-tour-diary]

Day 224

I mentioned how it feels like the second wave of puberty in my last post. It really is! All of the stuff that I already experienced, and that got less again, is happening again!

The worst thing first: The horny. The first wave I still thought "Wow. Why did I even stress?" but now I know... I don't know how the average teen boy survives this. My partner is just laughing, because they know it will get even worse 🥲 It actually made my sleep schedule shitty, because I do stuff before I finally go to sleep?!

I'm still not the healthiest bean on the block. So in worries of my moustache shadow not being visible enough on Christmas, we didn't shave it. But I trimmed it a tiny bit with some scissors in hopes for the stubbles to become more visible.

Talking about Christmas: I'm feeling so weird about it. The thing is, I'm out to my close family, but not the extended one. My mom told her sisters some stuff, but I don't know what exactly. My parents are horrible at gendering me correctly. At least my mom sometimes tries. The only person really supporting all my shenanigans is my sister. Thanks to her, even the dog of her boyfriend knows the right pronouns 😌

Anyways, I know my mom and dad won't correct anyone if they misgender me. I also know my one aunt picked up on the name I then used after my mom told her about it, so she's pretty cool. I talked to my grandma about the stuff a lot, but she is stubborn. But the rest of the people, I have no clue how they will handle it.

There will probably be some small children who could remember me from before I transitioned. But I'll just tell them I went to the doctor, because something was wrong with my body, if they even ask.

I also still haven't decided on a name, which makes a one sentence coming out to everyone even harder. I don't even know if I want to use a name similar to my birthname because I don't want to inconvenience anyone or because I actually like my nickname. How does one handle all this??

[beans-tour-diary]

Day 214

The face in the mirror changed ever so slightly over the last months. Somehow it arrived at a point where I don't see a "girl" anymore. Only a boy in cute pyjamas.

I still haven't done my first shave. My partner and I are both pretty sick, so we just had other stuff on our minds. I hope we can time it right, so I'll have visible stubble for the holidays at my parents' house. One of my uncles saw me two weeks ago and didn't recognise me immediately. My hopes are high for the reactions from other family members!

It seems like my whole body is going through a new wave of changes. I noticed some more sensitivity similar to the first time I noticed visible bottom growth. Just living in this body since I started hrt has been an adventure.

Like any cliché femboy I started drinking monster energy... I don't know what to do with that, but it happened.

here's my cat dealing monster 🥲

[iapislazuli]

it/its pronouns doesnt mean "use they/them for this person if you feel like it" it means it/its pronouns this is non negotiable and i am going to kill you with my fists and teeth

[predatory-lesbians]

respect it/its pronouns or get murdered. its not an unreasonable choice.

[beans-tour-diary]

throwback to when my then best friend asked, if I really wanted to use it/it's bc she felt uncomfy using them for me 🥲 pls. It's hard enough to not feel like a burden. Just let me be me.