Something I think about sometimes as a transmasc is the contrast between the stereotype of how transmascs and trans men are so often viewed through the lens of “girls (or ‘girls’) who want to be boys”, and my experience growing up of feeling like a boy who wished desperately that he could be a girl. But, knowing deep down on some level that I wasn’t one and couldn’t be one, no matter how much I wanted to be. And perhaps my experience is complicated by growing up intersex, and not really going through what people think of as a complete “normal girl puberty”, so that’s something to consider when looking back on my experiences with gender.
But, I’ve seen a lot of people, transmascs and (occasionally) non transmascs alike talk about the transmasc experience of Wishing You Were A Boy and rarely seen anyone else talk about the transmasc experience of Wishing You Were A Girl, and frankly, I feel like a lot of cis allies are unaware that this is a thing for some transmascs. I’ve seen people talk about internalized transphobia broadly a bit more often, sure, but this is a slightly more distinct feeling than simply wishing I was “normal” and able to blend in, and therefore not trans, and therefore a cis girl by default. I’m not really sure how to describe it. Like, before I even knew that being trans was a concept that existed at all, before I consciously ever thought “I feel like a boy” or knew that was something I could be, I remember thinking often “I wish I could be a Real Girl” but knowing that I felt like an imposter. There was an intense yearning for Girlhood, but a knowledge that Girlhood was on a shelf just out of my reach- despite not having any idea whatsoever as to why, at the time.
Maybe this doesn’t make a lot of sense, I only slept 4 hours and my head isn’t exactly screwed on straight. But I’m sharing this anyway, hoping that someone else out there will see it and resonate and know that they aren’t alone. I also think it’s worth mentioning that I find it interesting how gender dysphoria can manifest so differently for everyone who is affected by it.
