Hi Icarus, its Netherum! I just wanted to make sure youre okay and youre not having much trouble finding us? I can always come find you if youre youre having a bit of trouble
-@nethrum
I’m… i’m fine, okay. I don’t need help. I can do it myself…
[Rae sat at the far corner of the library, legs tucked to his chest, hands cupped over his mouth, eyes wide, shaking. How the hell does Fable know? When will he be here? What will he do? Who will he hurt?
So many questions were running through his head. It was loud. So loud.
He thought he was safe. But nowhere is ever safe. Not anymore.]
I Didn’t Mean to Be Something I’m Not Supposed To, but I Am. I Am. 19
Chapter 19 out 23
Buck and Eddie are visiting El Paso with Chris, while pretending their marriage is still just convenience for Helena and Ramon, which causes tensions to arise between them. Otherwise known as the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad El Paso trip.
In this chapter, with Eddie stuck down in that well, likely dying if not already dead, Buck falls apart. The fear of possibly losing Eddie along with the last words they exchanged, haunt Buck. He needs to get his husband back. Now.
On ao3.
Ships: Buddie
Warnings: guilt, self loathing, shut down, panic, NDE
~~~
Chapter 19: He Cares, He Does
No.
No!
No, no, no, no, no, no. This can’t be happening. It can’t be. Buck refuses to believe it. He can’t believe it. If he believes it, then it’s real and it’s not real. It’s not.
He can barely feel the rain pouring over him or the mud splattering in his face, all he can focus on is digging, on making it through. Eddie is down there. Eddie needs him. He has to get to him. He- he- he’ll dig down if that what it takes, just, god, let him see Eddie again.
Buck can’t do this. He can’t.
Eddie is down there. He’s down there. The words keep looping in his brain, but it doesn’t feel real. He just keeps repeating the words over and over again. “Eddie! Eddie! No! Eddie! Eddie! No! No! Eddie!” as if saying them will make them true.
They have to be true.
This- this can’t be it.
Nothing is computing past the fact that Eddie is in that hole, that hole that is now no longer a hole, just filled with soft dirt. That there are too many feet of earth between the two of them and Buck needs to undo that right now.
It’s not rational, not at all, but moving the handfuls of mud is all he can do to keep sane. All he can do to keep going. If he stops trying now… Buck is pretty sure he’ll never recover.
So he keeps clawing at the dirt until a hand from behind tries to stop him and then he fights that hand as well, because who the fuck does whoever it is think they are? Who the fuck do they think they are to get Buck to stop going to find his husband. The love of his fucking life.
However, Buck is only so strong and mud keeps refilling the hole, filling all the spaces through which air should reach Eddie, but no longer is. His arms are getting weaker as he fights the tears and tries to fuel himself with desperation.
And when he registers it’s Bobby, who is pulling at him as he says: “Buck. Buck, get up,” Buck caves and lets himself be physically dragged away from the hole.
Bobby is there. Bobby is telling him to move. Bobby has answers. Bobby always has answers. Bobby won’t let him lose Eddie. Bobby will catch him. Bobby will make it right. Bobby will fix it.
He falls into Bobby, unable to get his legs under him or his body under control, instead just sobbing. Now that he is no longer digging, the futility of it sets in. He was never going to get to Eddie like that. He’s never going to be able to do enough to save him. Eddie is stuck down there and there is nothing Buck can do to save him.
Fuck!
Buck had him right there! He had him!
The rope had been in his hand, Eddie’s weight steadily on the other side. He was holding him. Buck had him in his hands, holding him safe. And then he was gone.
Another ugly sob tears from his throat and he’s pretty sure his voice is going to be fucked, but he doesn’t care, he just keeps running that moment through his brain. How he went from having Eddie, to not having Eddie. How fast it happened. How much could have gone wrong. How if he had just pulled him up then, none of this would be happening.
Hen said Eddie cut the line, but Buck never really got to see it. With the rain and the chaos and getting Chimney down, it just slipped through the cracks. And it haunts him now.
Buck let him go down there without checking all his stuff. Buck always checks his stuff. He checks his buckles and his helmet, tugs on every little piece to make sure it will hold Eddie. But it didn’t hold Eddie this time. Buck didn’t check and Eddie is down there now. Buck put him down there.
He’d been so angry at Eddie that he’d just let him go down there without checking, without caring, and it broke. It broke and it’s Buck’s fault.
It’s Buck’s fault.
All day- all week, he’s been pissed with Eddie and awful about it. He’s been ignoring him and being petty, like with the olives. And then he got mad. Then he told Eddie he wouldn’t care if Eddie wanted to get himself killed. And now he might. Eddie might die and the last thing Buck will have said is that he doesn’t care.
But he does care. He cares so fucking much it hurts sometimes and he never meant it, even if in the moment he felt like he did, he knows that he didn’t. Buck lied. He lied. Eddie can’t be down there when Buck lied to him like that. When that is what Buck said to him.
He swears he never meant to do this. Never meant to lose Eddie like this. He didn’t mean for his petty bullshit to hurt Eddie like this.
Fuck, he should have checked the fucking harness.
Sitting there in the rain, still crying into Bobby’s turnout pants, it’s the one thought that cuts through the chaos, starting up a fresh round of tears. He should have just put his pride aside and checked the harness, made sure he told Eddie he loved him, done anything other than what he did, so he wouldn’t be here now, staring at the patch of dirt where Eddie’s freedom had just been.
It still doesn’t feel entirely real. Hell, why the fuck would it? A flash of lightning hit their drill and buried Eddie.
Oh god, Eddie is down there.
The reminder makes him shudder and he starts forward again. He needs to get Eddie out of there. He needs to get to him. Crawling on hands and knees, he makes his way back to the patch of dirt, hands shaking as he starts to dig again, this time not desperate, just methodical detachment as he futility removes handful after handful of dirt.
He’s not aware of any of the other personnel present, nor any of the many cameras that are present at the incident. All he can see is the dirt in front of his eyes as he blinks the rain away so that he can continue to mechanically dig.
Before he can get very far, Hen is there next to him, stopping his hand gently. Bobby on the other side, but it is Hen, who speaks: “Hey, Buck, let’s take a breath for a moment.”
“No, no, I- I need to get to him,” Buck stammers, trying to grab the mud once more. If he can just get to Eddie, he can make it right, undo what he did. “I- I di- didn’t check, but I- I can-”
“Oh, Buck, it’s not your fault. He cut the rope,” Hen says. “You couldn’t have done anything. It was just bad luck.”
Bad luck that Buck created, he thinks, unable to accept that it was just an accident. It feels like cosmic punishment and Buck deserves it. He needs to make it right, he needs to get Eddie back. After everything, he just needs to show that he cares and the universe will give him his Eddie back.
The two can probably already see the writing on the wall, because before he can respond, Bobby speaks firmly: “You’re not going to dig him out by hand, Buck. Come inside. This isn’t going to help. We need a breather and a plan.”
Buck wants to fight, but the small part of the first responder rationale that is still functioning in his brain gets him upright as they usher him to the house.
He feels numb as Hen wraps him in a shock blanket and parks him on a chair, before they all disappear into the bustle of the scene. Buck’s mind is screaming at him to get up, to do something, to help, but he just sits there.
Just an hour ago, he had been so pissed with Eddie, it felt insurmountable. Yet again Eddie hadn’t been listening to him. Buck didn’t want him going down there, Buck wanted him to think about Chris, about their family, but Eddie had been thinking about himself.
It felt as if he’d been thinking about himself all week, leaving Buck to fend for all of them, while Eddie only fended for himself. Coming back to LA with Eddie still just standing by quietly, having nothing to say, hadn’t made it any better.
Eddie walked away from them over his own fucking issues in El Paso, just like he’d done when he was street fighting. Just walked out on their argument, right back to his parents and folded. He shut Buck out, like he always does when it comes to them.
Then they got here and Eddie didn’t listen again, tried to tell Buck it wasn’t like that when it was. And Buck snapped. He snapped and told Eddie to get himself killed and now Eddie has. It’s a regret Buck is going to have to carry for the rest of his life and it’s not worth it. It’s not fucking worth it. The relief his brief anger brought him doesn’t measure up to what he’s lost.
He replays their last two fights in his head, trying to figure out why it seemed to important to be mad at Eddie about and comes up empty. In fact, the more Buck thinks about it, the more unreasonable he sounds.
Being upset with Eddie about getting excluded feels justified, because they’re partners and Eddie let his parents walk over both of them and stood by while Buck was getting erased from his place as Chris’s dad and Eddie’s partner, and only one of those they agreed to keep secret. Of course he was going to be hurt by that and he thinks he’s allowed to.
But Buck did the same to Eddie, because he was hurt. He stopped having Eddie’s back and ignored him in turn, doing the exact same thing as he stewed in his feelings without saying a word about it.
Sitting here now, he can hear Eddie’s words echo through his brain: ‘I’ve been trying. You should know that I am, I talked to you about it. You said it was fine.’
And Buck did say it was fine.
Buck said that it was fine, that they were good after Eddie checked about Maria, which honestly hadn’t even been the main issue, just the catalyst. Buck said it was fine when Eddie checked in with him about emotionally edging when in El Paso. Buck said it was fine when Eddie said he didn’t want to come out to his parents. And Buck didn’t say anything when they got there and it turned out it wasn’t fine.
When agreeing with Eddie, he had created an idea of what visiting El Paso would look like. That idea had been based on memories of living there, sure, but made milder by the fact that they were actually together now and the fact that when pushed to the brink during Chris’s seventh birthday, Eddie had picked him. It wasn’t an idea that he checked with Eddie, just an expectation Buck created without informing Eddie.
All Eddie had done was be himself about his parents like he had always done, maybe a little more extreme, but not too much more extreme. Buck had merely taken it a lot harder with everything that had gone down between them before it and he’d blamed Eddie for that.
He had turned it into the trials and tribulations of Evan Buckley, a tragedy in 97 acts, he sulked about it, he stopped caring. The angry words Eddie had thrown at him hitting him all over again as he remembers it all, remembers Eddie saying he needed Buck to have his back and he wasn’t there.
Buck hadn’t been there now either.
Eddie had needed Buck to have his back, to be the rock he could lean on when his parents beat him down, to be kind when El Paso wasn’t, to understand. And Buck had gotten so caught up in his own pain that he couldn’t see Eddie was hurting too.
Instead of being the partner Eddie needed, Buck had been like his parents, only seeing the places he fell short, not the places where he tried, where he succeeded.
Sitting there now, Buck can remember Eddie continuing to ask about his leg throughout it all, how he argued back with his parents about Chris, how he let his guard down when they were at Abuela’s. Eddie did keep trying and Buck couldn’t see it.
Yeah, Eddie had been a shit husband in El Paso, but he had asked permission for sinking into the shit and held onto the fact that Buck would get him out and hold him when it was over, and he’d still been Buck’s partner when it came to Chris, which is ultimately the most important thing.
Buck can’t believe he had accused Eddie of not caring about Chris for wanting to do his job and go down there when they got here. He made Eddie think that Buck thought Chris didn’t need him, that Eddie could go down there and die and it wouldn’t matter.
It does matter. Chris can’t lose Eddie. Buck can’t lose Eddie. He is so important to them and Buck loves him so much. And now he’s down there.
Fuck, he’s down there.
The realization hits him all over again, ringing clearly through the self loathing. Eddie is still fucking down there and Buck is just sitting there. He already didn’t check Eddie’s gear and now he’s not even trying to get his husband back? Get the father of his son back?
No.
No, Buck refuses to give up now. He doesn’t know how much time has passed since Hen sat him down there, but he doesn’t want to believe it’s too late. Eddie fought his entire life to get back to Chris, even before he even knew who Buck was. He is down there and he is alive and Buck is going to get him.
When he’d been out lost in a tsunami, Eddie walked for an entire day through water while carrying Chris just to find him, Buck will get to Eddie now too. He’ll dig that hole himself if he has to.
Doing something, anything, is better than sitting there numbly. Buck can’t do that right now. The love of his life is down there and he still has to face Chris after today. He can’t put Chris through this again, never again.
The determination feels better than the hopelessness he felt before and Buck clings to it. He has stopped sulking about it, he’s done with giving Eddie space. He is going to find him and he is going to apologize and he is going to be there for Eddie for the rest of time. He swears it to the universe that if it gives him his Eddie back, he’ll never be that stupid again.
Throwing off the shock blanket and pushing himself into the throng of activity, he quickly catches onto the fact that nothing much is happening yet. He hopes it’s because Buck has only been out of it for a little bit, but he fears the worst. They can’t afford to lose any more time.
Quickly, he finds Bobby, knowing that if anyone will listen, it’ll be him. As the one in charge of this call, Bobby is surrounded by people, but Buck can see the surprise and then question in his eyes when Buck reappears. “Doing better, Cap. What’s the plan?” Buck answers the unspoken question.
“We’re still assessing,” Bobby tells him, starting to move down the stairs for whatever reason. Hopefully to get a move on on the getting Eddie out situation.
In Buck’s opinion no further assessment is necessary, Eddie is down there, so they go down there. They don’t have time to stand around and assess. Can’t Bobby see that? He hurries after Bobby, saying: “Cap, we gotta go dig.”
“We don’t have a drill, Buck,” Bobby tells him as they exit the house, running into Hen and Chim, “and even if we could get another one up here, their access road is flooded.”
Fair enough, Buck thinks, no drill. That will slow them down, but it’s not impossible. Undeterred he replies: “Okay. Well, then we dig by hand.”
He looks around, expecting them to go ‘yeah, no, of course, where are the shovels’ because what fucking else would they do? Instead, he gets Chimney shaking his head. “Not with all this rain. We could trigger another collapse.”
Buck is really starting to hate that stupid rain as fear grips his heart once more. Another collapse could be deadly, but waiting for the storm to pass might also not be an option. Wasn’t it already getting flooded down there when they tried to check on Eddie and Hayden? What would that mean?
Anxiously, he asks: “How long can he last down there?”
Instead of an answer, he gets the firefighter from the other unit here, who looks at him as if he’s breaking bad news while he says: “We’re talking 30 feet of wet earth coming down on top of him.”
It hits Buck that he doesn’t think Eddie is still alive down there.
Immediately he looks over to the others, waiting for them to argue, to shut this man the hell up. However, instead he finds equally grim faces, as if Eddie being gone is a given.
His insides instantly revolt against the notion. Eddie cannot be dead. Sure, Buck knows the situation is dire, but it’s not over yet. He refuses to believe that. And he refuses to believe the others would really think like that.
They’re first responders, they’ve seen people survive the most horrible things. Eddie is a fighter, no matter how small the chance, he’ll pull through. Buck hasn’t scraped his sanity back together only for everyone to give up on Eddie like he doesn’t matter. Like he isn’t important.
“Wait, you all think he’s dead?” When he speaks again, his voice is filled with betrayal. These people are his family, they cannot turn their backs on this, not when he is about to lose the most important person in his life.
“Nobody thinks that,” Bobby says without missing a beat, but his hand is raised as if calming a hysteric bystander.
“We just don’t know how to get him out,” Chimney backs Bobby, probably more honestly than their Captain currently is, but still with that same ‘trying to calm him down’-tone.
Hen must know Buck doesn’t believe them for a second, because she makes sure to grab his hand and have him look her in the eyes as she intently says: “Nobody’s giving up on him. Nobody. We’re going to find him.”
Buck only believes her a little bit and he pulls his hand free. “Fuck you guys. Eddie’s not dead. He’s alive. He’s still alive down there. He’s still alive down there.” He’s yelling now. Taking a deep breath, Buck calms himself, before steely saying: “And I’m going to get him out of there, with or without your help.”
“Buck,” Bobby warns.
“No,” Buck shakes his head, he refuses to listen to whatever placating bullshit Bobby will try to feed him right now. “You’re all acting like I’m not a part of this team, but a civilian you need to calm down, before you break the bad news. Well, I’m not. I’m a firefighter and I know Eddie. He’s alive and he needs us, so screw you for giving up on him.”
“Evan Buckley, you calm yourself right now,” Bobby says sternly, jabbing him in the chest, Buck stilling at the gesture. “If we’re treating you like a civilian, it’s because you’re being unstable. I know what it’s like. Your husband is down there, you want him rescued and we will. But if you do not stop this, I will pull you off this call and send you home. Am I understood?”
Buck swallows. Bobby is utterly serious. Mutely he nods, then he mutters: “Understood. Sorry, Cap.”
The moment he does, Bobby softens, hand squeezing his arm. “I know, kid. It’s okay. We’re all worried about Eddie and I promise you, no one is giving up on him. We’re getting him out.”
Again Buck nods, then with a watery voice and tears welling up again, he says: “I know. I- I just- I need him to be okay. I- I can’t let this be the end. Bobby, I fucked up. I fucked up and he’s down there and I might-” he cuts himself off, tears starting to fall.
Much like he had done earlier, Bobby catches him when he stumbles, gathering him in his arms and holding him together as he falls apart. There are probably a thousand things that he needs to be doing, but he takes a moment to be there for Buck and Buck will never be able to express how grateful he is that Bobby does that.
“I’m sorry,” he says after a moment, pulling away and wiping the tears away.
“No need for sorry. Just take a moment and we’ll tell you when we have a plan,” Bobby assures him, then with the security only he can provide, he promises: “We’ll get him out of there, Buck.”
“Here, I’ll stay with you for a moment,” Hen offers when Bobby walks off with his entourage of people who are hopefully competent enough at their job that Bobby can make good on that promise.
“Thank you,” he says sincerely. He doesn’t think he should be alone right now.
Hen leads him to a corner where they’re not that visible from the periphery. Now that he is more aware, he hates to think what the hell all the camera’s made of him. He’s dealt with enough HR personnel to last him a lifetime.
After a moment of silence, she nudges him and asks: “What’s the first thing you’re going to say to Eddie when we get him out?”
“I love you,” Buck answers without hesitation. Getting to say that to Eddie feels like the most important thing in the world right now. “And I’m sorry. And then I’ll probably cry a lot.”
“I’ll make sure to save you an IV against the dehydration,” Hen smiles gently.
They’re quiet again for another second, then Hen asks: “Wanna talk about what has been going on with you two today?”
“It’s stupid,” Buck sighs, rubbing his face. “God, it’s so fucking stupid. I’m so fucking stupid.”
“Yeah, probably,” Hen agrees, which despite playing into his self loathing about this whole thing, actually breaks the tension and he laughs for perhaps the first time since coming home.
“Eddie’s parents are assholes,” he answers. “And they get to Eddie. And that got to me. I knew he would act like that, but-” he sighs again “-it just got to me, you know? Even though we talked about it and I agreed it was okay, it still got to me and I got mad at him for it, even though I said it was fine. Because it wasn’t fine, I just wanted him to guess that.”
“Oh, Buck,” Hen murmurs sympathetically.
“I know,” Buck says miserably. “I should have just talked to him, but I didn’t and now he’s down there and I don’t know what I’ll do with myself if we can’t get him out.” It feels like it should be impossible, but the tears start up again, this time soft hiccuping sobs accompanying them. Buck is too exhausted to keep feeling all this sadness.
Hen gathers him in her arms and lets him cry on her shoulder. As he does, she whispers: “We’ll find him, you won’t have to find out. We’ll get him out. It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay.”
And Buck hopes she’s right, hopes that whatever plan they can come up with will be enough to save Eddie, because he cannot lose him. He cannot live in a world without Eddie. He cannot raise Chris alone, having to face every milestone without Eddie to share it with.
It’s a world that makes him feel hollow imagining it, his organs feeling as if they’ve been turned inside out at the mere thought.
No, Buck doesn’t want to believe in that reality. Eddie has to come back to him. Eddie won’t leave him when Buck still has so much to say to him still… Eddie always wants to listen to Buck talk. He won’t let a bit of dirt stop him. He wasn’t going to run ever again and Buck believes him. He has to.
There is no other option, not today; Buck is getting Eddie out of there alive.
~~
A/N:
I don’t want to invalidate Buck’s feelings, because it is very understandable, but I feel like you can’t blame Eddie for not being a mind reader. Communication, my dear readers, it’s important <3
Also shout out to Hen for still managing to be nosy in the middle of all this, I love her so dearly xp
Okay, this one made me laugh way too hard. It's short, so I'm not gonna do a read more. But basically, Bucky got caught in a collapsed tunnel saving Tony's life and Tony panicked while getting Bucky out and this is a conversation when they all get back to the jet.
Firstly let me start by saying, the FF16 roleplayers have been some of the kindest and most welcoming bunch I've seen in a long time. I am endlessly appreciative that yall have taken me in and shown me love. I am eternally grateful and it means more to me than you know.....
I've gotten so much done today but it still feels like I've done nothing. I'm very overwhelmed.
I was in the hospital Saturday night. Following admittance I had the biggest panic attack of my life. Thankfully I had a friend to talk me thru most of it and I'm ever so grateful. But I haven't felt right since then.
I didn't sleep Sat night or Sun night, I slept decently (5 hr) Monday, and last night I slept a good 8 hours for once. I had another big panic attack Monday night and called that same friend in a STATE. They helped me thru again, because they are an angel that I do not deserve.
I haven't been eating. I'm scared to sleep. I feel like shit. My anemia is really really bad lately for some reason? Like my levels were scary low and I've been taking iron like a good girl but I think it's causing issues.
My wrist has given me intermittent issues but nothing too troubling. Doc thinks it's carpal tunnel so I've been wearing a brace on and off but since that first initial flare up that required a steroid shot, I've been good. So maybe just a weird one time thing or some nerve issues from the dog bite wounds.
I've just been. Not entirely all here. I've been in a fog. I consistently don't feel good. I'm consistently fighting off very bad anxiety. I'm consistently starving but feel "too sick" to eat. I'm consistently just wanting to sleep.
Anyway. My point is.
If I've seemed over eager, clingy, needy, wanty, chatty, ect, I apologize greatly. I have been needy. I've been needy for distractions and to satiate my muses and to make friends. I am struggling so bad right now trying to deal with panic and anxiety and nightmares among some medical issues and I just,,,
I just wanna be here writing.
I was supposed to get moved out of my shitty dept at work and they had me set up to move and then took it from me. They intend to give me a title and a raise to keep me happy, which will be nice, but I really wanted out of this dept and it kind of broke my heart.
And I live alone. The closest person I have to me is about an hour and a half away.
So yeah,,, if I'm posting my twitch link a lot or sending a lot of memes or coming and messaging you it's just because I need people right now. Please don't hesitate to tell me I'm annoying af if it's bothersome to you.
