I really, really, REALLY tried to give the live-action Lilo & Stitch remake a chance. I really did. At best, I thought it would be just okay. Wouldn't hold a candle to the original, but decent. I'm sorry to say this shit pissed me the fuck off. SPOILERS below.
Okay, let me get the things I like out of the way first. There's two new additions that I like. Firstly, Jumba and Pleakley having holographic human disguises as opposed to the paper-thin human disguises they wear in the original is a very smart choice that works better for a live-action setting. Second, there's a scene near the end where it looks like Stitch is gonna die and it's done very well. If this were a better movie, it would've been really effective.
Speaking of Stitch, he's as entertaining and cute as ever. I will say I had more fun when it was just him on screen. There's also a brand new scene with him before he crash-lands on Earth that's the comedic highlight of the movie. Plus, they got his original voice actor back, which is always welcomed. His live-action design is also perfect. Like, that's just Stitch in real life. The Grand Councilwoman along with the other alien designs (barring two exceptions which we'll get to later) are also appealing while still working in a live-action setting.
All of the actors deliver a good performance. No one feels like their half-assing it here. Everybody is also well cast (expect for... again, we'll get to that in a moment) with the child actress for Lilo being a big standout. She embodies the role so much and is honestly very talented for her age.
Alright, that's enough positivity. Now for the bad stuff.
First things first, the pacing is way off. It's all to fast and nothing feels like it gets to really stick with you. For example, the opening scene on the spaceship in the original is 10 minutes. Here, it's five and you can feel them speeding through it as fast as possible. The rest of movie is like that too. Scenes are way too fast compared to the original. Combined that with unnecessary tweaks, new dialogue, and constant cuts make the movie feel incredibly clunky.
This also affects jokes from the original film that are repeated here. They are now LESS FUNNY and more annoying. You know that scene in the original where Lilo shows Nani that Stitch can play records? Remember how funny that was? Here, Nani doesn't even see it making the joke fall flat because we don't get her reaction to it.
The remake also loves to undermine dramatic moments from the original and even new dramatic moments in favor of making easy jokes. Certain lines from the original that were taken completely seriously are turned into a joke here! It's like they're so afraid of having the characters have a real conversation because the kids might get bored. So now the conversations feel so forced and awkward.
Character and story arcs are also less effective compared to the original movie. Nani seems to hate Lilo at times to the point where another character has to tell her to apologize to Lilo instead doing it of her own free will. And the conversation they have is so short, so ingenuine, it feels like Nani is apologizing out of pure obligation. I no longer believe these sisters care about each other. I'm sorry, but I don't. And I know I was praising Stitch earlier, but his character also feels weaker here. He doesn't really seem to be that evil or have any real bad intentions. He's just a creature that just goofs around and acts wild. They say he's made to destroy, but he DOESN'T WANT TO DESTROY ANYTHING! Like, what's so dangerous about this guy?! He also seems to like Lilo far too early which completely ruins his character arc. They also changed Stitch having to save Lilo to Lilo having to save Stitch. That big action climax in the original isn't there just to have a big action climax. It also represents the end of Stitch's character arc. This creature that wanted nothing more than to wreak havoc is now doing everything in his power to save this little girl, and he's not even sure if he can save her. But they still have him give that speech at the end and it feels so unwarranted. I don't buy it. I don't!
By the way, Gantu isn't in the remake. He's just not. They cut him out entirely. Jumba is now the main villain. And like, I can understand why they made this decision. I can see this working. But it's so lame. The cleverness in the original is that you think Jumba is the main villain and then he's not. And then you're like "Can this other guy really be that effective of a villain?" and he is! It's subtlety being replaced with obviousness.
Speaking of Jumba, Zach Galifianakis was absolutely the wrong choice for this character. And Zach Galifianakis is a fine actor, he's doing an okay job. But he's not Jumba. He doesn't even feel like a new take on the character. He just feels like... well, Zach Galifianakis! And I have to complain about the actress for Nani. Again, she's doing a fine job, but she's NOT A NATIVE HAWAIIAN??? They just put her in makeup to make her look Hawaiian! Kindly go fuck yourselves for doing that, Disney.
Jumba and Pleakley's new designs are frankly disgusting. They don't look cute anymore. Jumba looks gross and Pleakley looks sickly. I don't understand what happened here. All the other aliens look fine, so why are these two prominent characters so ugly? Did they run out of time? Was it a budget thing? I honestly wouldn't be surprised.
Also, David's here too but he serves no purpose that I almost forgot he was in the movie at all. They cut the romance between him and Nani completely. You could cut him out and nothing would change.
And finally, the thing that pissed me off the most: the ending. Holy shit talk about missing the whole fucking point of the story. In the original film, Nani and Lilo are a broken family. But by expanding their Ohana, they're able to fix it. Because them getting separated would be the last straw to their Ohana being completely broken. Wasn't that such a sweet ending? Well, GUESS WHAT?! In the remake, Nani now gives Lilo up to foster care so the former can go to college to study Marine Biology. FUCK YOU! "oH bUt NaNi CaN sTiLl ViSiT lIlO!" Shut up! You're missing the point too. They broke the Ohana. You don't break the Ohana! It's also incredibly fucked up to think that two native Hawaiian girls have to be split up. Like, there's no other option. Bye! It's not only a disservice to the original story, but it can be downright offensive. Splitting families up is a-okay! Disney said so! FUCK!
Look, I can't stop you from seeing the remake. I can't stop you from liking it. But just know there's a far better version you can watch at home for half the cost, and in some cases FOR FREE. I went in with naive hope because I thought maybe they'll get it right this time. And if you have that same hope, don't. It is a sanitized, corporate copy of the original classic. Just like any other live-action remake. And if your one of those dumb fuckers that use the "It's a kid's movie, you dumb nerd!" excuse, let me get this through your thick skull. One: the original movie is for kids too, but it's done with way more love and care than this. Two: Disney is very clearly feeding off people's nostalgia for the original. I'm nostalgic for the original. So, whether you like it or not, I AM in the target demographic for this movie. And this is not at all what I wanted. I don't blame the director, or the writer, or the editors, or the actors, or any of the actual creative people behind it. I blame the Hollywood execs that most definitely watched over the production of this movie like a hawk. Please stop letting people who don't care about movies be in charge of making movies.
And please, please, PLEASE don't see the live-action How to Train Your Dragon remake. I'm begging you.
