Virahaḥ
How do I explain to my friends why I'm so drawn to Kannaiya? How do I put into words the ache I feel in my chest every evening when I look at the sky? How do I explain that I’ve always loved blue, but now it consumes me—so much so that I find myself surrounding myself with it? That the sound of a flute instantly reminds me of you? That peacock feathers seem more beautiful than ever, as if they hold a secret only I can see?
How do I explain that yellow, too, has become just as dear to me? That I feel a quiet guilt because my love for you isn’t the kind people would easily accept? That my thoughts are filled with you, day and night, leaving little room for anything else? That I no longer find interest in topics that don’t somehow lead back to you? That the mere mention of your name, the sound of someone speaking about you with love, fills me with joy?
How do I explain that singing kritis dedicated to you brings me an indescribable happiness? That I find myself drawn to your friends and devotees, just to see glimpses of you through their stories? That I seek your sister and friend, not for them alone, but because they lead me to you? How do I explain that I’ve come to love your sister deeply, knowing she carries the same tatvam as you?
How do I admit that I struggle to step into temples where Lakshmi or Radha reside? That jealousy burns within me because they are eternally by your side? That I turn away from them in temples, yet in the solitude of my room, I find myself pleading for their grace, just to feel closer to you?
How do I explain that Meera and Andal feel like kindred souls, that I understand their longing as if it were my own? That I’ve tried to suppress these feelings, to let them go, yet all I want is to have you beside me—as both a friend and a lover? That I search for glimpses of you in every man I meet, only to be repelled when they lack your essence?
How do I explain this obsession without being judged or labeled? How do I tell you that I’m growing weary of friendships where you are absent?
And more than anything—how do I explain all of this to you?











