Growing up
I’d always have to sleep with a night light
But it had to stay in the hall
No direct light or it was too bright
I couldn’t sleep in complete darkness
It was too unnerving
Maybe just for a little girl
Unsure what laid beyond her bed
But even as an adult
I don’t know what’s out there
What demons try to reach me at night
Or what assassins the world has trained to come after me
I leave the nightlight plugged in in the hallway
If it’s ever off I’ll know
But I never turn it off
If I lay awake at night at least I can see who stands in the doorway when my thoughts haunt me
But in complete darkness I can’t see them
And I’d like to see the face of my destroyer before they destroy me
I always sleep with the night light on
Just so I can see what the world holds for me in my weakest hour
When I’m not at my best and when I’m stripped from my bearings on my knees begging for a way out
I scream till my throats raw and I cough up blood but no one ever comes
I’m on my own
I always was
But I’m alone with my nightlight
And the light makes it less dark
Even when my eyes are shut and the blankets are pulled over my head
My knuckles white and my hands shaking
Even with the nightlight I started learning
It’s not who that will stand in my doorway ready to best me
It’ll be the what that stands there, the next thing to knock me to my knees
I’m so tired of fighting but I promised to never give up
No matter how many knives the world throws at me I want to see it’s beauty
It’s out there somewhere under the coal and the fire
Under the hatred and the lies
Under all that darkness there is beauty
There is light
I always sleep with a nightlight on
So it can remind me what I’m living for
I’ll find more one day
But for now I have my own light to begin my journey
- g.f.
