A gift for @writingdragon by @TheTimetravellerCat for the Bitty’s Valentines! 2018 edition.
Summary: The Las Vegas aces are on a roadie, and the team goes to celebrate after a win, but Kent stays back after a quarrel with a teammate. Jeff is concerned and goes after Kent to find him distraught. They progress together and find new facets to their relationship.
Notes: Be aware that this fic deals with internalised homophobia and self-depreciation. Kent is the one having issues with his self-esteem, but Jeff helps him to see that what he thinks isn’t the truth and that he is worthy of many things. No character bashing, just quite a lot of personal growth. His issues are mostly triggered by the toxic homophobic environment he is in. There is a good deal of angst as well, but also a fair part of fluff, I promise. Happy open ending (I’m planning to write a sequel to this). And for the sake of clarity, this is an established-relationship.
The title of this has been inspired by the song Life by Ludovico Einaudi. (https://youtu.be/fy2ZF2ks-9E) [Also, this is my first fic ever, obviously it had to be a Check, please! fic lol, so I hope you enjoy it! :) ] PS: A lot of love to my amazing and patient beta, Ricekrispyjoints! (<3 <3)
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The Las Vegas Aces are coming back to the rustic resort they’re staying at after a winning game. Press went well, the usual after-game questions, the team is joyous and they are making plans to celebrate their victory. Nothing too extravagant, as they have an 11:30 pm curfew and have to hit the road again a little before eleven the next day. The guys are loud, nonetheless, and they jostle each other. Carl bumps into Kent, but he isn’t in the mood.
“Fuck off, Carly.”
“Chill dude. You got a stick up your ass, or what?”
“Fuck you! I’m not that desperate, not like you.” He winks and grimaces, showing his disgust at the thought.
“You know what? You’re just a piece of shit, have fun all alone. I’m out!“
And on that, Carl leaves, clearly pissed. Kent barely notices, words are ringing in his ears. You’re just a piece of shit. He feels his heart sinking in his chest. What if… no. Carl couldn’t be. He is by far the most homophobic dude on the team. He hadn’t been affected by Kent’s comment, not in that way at least. It’s just his basic ‘I don’t want to have anything to do with those fags’ reaction. Kent knows it, but he can’t help wondering because he also knows he would have taken it personally. By now, he is used to the rampant homophobia, and – he isn’t proud of it, he realises – but he is used to say things like this as well, as a way to insult people. All of a sudden, he feels sick. Without looking back, he runs to his room, the one he shares with Troy.
He reaches the doorway and fumbles with his key. Once he manages to open it, he enters and immediately closes the door behind him. He feels like he is about to puke. He believes it. He fucking believes it. When did it happen? He doesn’t know. He didn’t notice. It was so subtle he didn’t even become aware of it. Until now. He knows this is all messed up. He knows this isn’t the truth. He knows bigots are jerks and even more than that. He knows he isn’t one of them. Or maybe he is. You’re just a piece of shit. He is shaking. He needs to calm down, but it’s too late. He can feel his shell breaking apart. He takes a few trembling steps and grips the desk until his knuckles are white with the effort. He needs to ground himself. You’re just a piece of shit. Carl’s words keep coming at him, hitting him hard. His nails dig into the hard surface underneath them. He barely hears the sound of someone unlocking the door and coming in. A few seconds later, there is a click and two turns of the key, shutting the outside world off. Kent still can’t breathe properly, Carl’s voice haunting him, Carl’s words insidiously creeping under his skin.
“Kent…” Troy pleads.
For a brief instant, everything freezes around them and then, Kent explodes.
“I’m SHIT! I’m just shit and I know it!!! And YOU know it!”
Jeff is quiet, no words escape his mouth. He is just here, looking at Kent with patient eyes. Parse wants him to scream back at him, to agree with him. But nothing comes. Jeff stays silent. Parse tries to read him, tries to see disgust on his face but he can’t because there is none. He almost gets angry again, he wants to snap at his teammate again.
Instead, his legs fail him and he drops on the floor, his knees making a loud bang against the hardwood. A single tear rolls on his cheek, a second one follows and then it’s flooding all over his face. He can’t even think about how much of a fool of himself he must be making. He tries to voice a snarky comment about how weak he is and about how this is just more proof of his obsolescence but he can only manage to let out a sob. Something has broken in him and he can’t back-pedal. Jeff lets him cry his eyes out. He has to clench his fists tight – it hurts him seeing his loved-one like this – but he doesn’t want to scare him away. He knows if he invades his space right now, he will shut down again and he won’t let Jeff help him, even though they are both aware that he has reached his breaking point.
Eventually, the tears cease. He is sitting on his heels, his arms lose at his sides and he can’t bring himself to get back on his feet and to walk away pretending that nothing ever happened. Abruptly, before he can regret it, he asks:
“Why are you not telling me I’m crap?”
He almost adds ‘Why are you not laughing at me for being such a sissy?’ But he thinks better of it because even though it’s something the guys would say, it’s not something Jeff would say, he realises. However, it seems like Jeff still heard him in his silence.
“Should I? And maybe I should call you a sissy while we’re at it?”
“Yes. Yes…” But his voice is dying.
He doesn’t believe it. It sounds… wrong and it’s a new feeling to him. Jeff kneels in front of him and gently picks Kent’s hands in his own. They stay like this for a moment. Silent sobs spill out from time to time.
After a while, Jeff let go one of his hands and reaches to remove Kent’s cap and slowly leans in to press a soft kiss on his forehead. Kent stares down at his laps. He can’t look at Troy in the eyes. He can’t face the truth. He can’t face the fact that someone genuinely, wholeheartedly cares about him. So he ducks his head but this doesn’t stop Jeff who presses another gentle kiss, on his temple this time. Finally, Kent gives in and buries his head in the other man’s neck, breathing deeply, soothing himself with his scent, allowing himself to be taken care of. Jeff holds him tightly. ‘I am not going to reject you’ his body says. When he feels his boyfriend relaxing, he helps him to the bed but Kent doesn’t want to let him go. He starts to panic and feels shameful about it but he hears himself beg anyway.
“Don’t-don’t leave me!”
“I am not. I wasn’t intending to.”
“I know I don’t deserve it-”
Jeff cuts him off. “You do.”
“But you don’t understand… I’ve treated him so badly… I’ve said so many messed up things… I’ve-I’ve nearly, maybe even really, believed those things… I can’t expect people to treat me well after that…”
‘Him’. He knows who he is talking about, and where he is concerned, he is pretty sure it went both ways, but he doesn’t press.
“Kenny, listen, it’s not because you were a bad person once or that you fell into this whole homophobic mess that you can’t progress and be good again. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to love yourself.”
“So what? I should see a shrink?” He snorts.
“Maybe.”
Kent stares. Jeff’s tone is serious. There is no underlying teasing. It sounds right in his mouth. It doesn’t sound like something he should be ashamed of. He considers it. Then, carefully choosing his words, he says:
“If-if I start to see a sh-therapist… Would you still stay with me? I-I…”
He is afraid he will be alone again. He is afraid Jeff is only sending him to a therapist so he can get rid of him, the useless asshole. He…
“I didn’t suggest it so I could abandon you. You’re not doing this alone, I’ll be with you.”
He knows he should trust him, he knows he shouldn’t question it, but he needs to hear it. He needs to be sure.
“Promise?” he asks, shyly.
“Promise.”
There is a silence. Jeff is still sitting on the edge of the mattress. He seems to hesitate.
“Now, would you rather have me sleeping in the other bed or…”
He doesn’t end his sentence, unsure of what to say. Kent shakes his head.
“No. I mean, only if you want to…”
“Yes, I want to.”
He turns the lights off and slides under the quilt. Kent is facing him. He wants to get closer, he wants to be held but he doesn’t know if he should. He looks at Jeff whose eyes are gleaming in the dimness. The man places an arm over him, his hand resting on his back. Kent takes the invitation and snuggles against him like a cat. It feels safe. He feels welcomed. He feels loved, and it might be the best thing he ever felt, but he is not quite ready to admit it. So, he just stays silent and enjoys it as much as he can. He is still scared it might get taken away from him, but it is there right now, and god knows he will fight to keep this, although it might make him lose other things.
He is starting to get that his happiness is worth it, but even knowing this, he can’t help but wonder if the other things might be more important. He briefly thinks about losing Jeff and his heart aches more than he can stand it. He makes a distressed noise, and the other man holds him even closer and kisses him through his hair. No. This is the right thing, he thinks. With him, he can do it. Together. Not alone.
Sleep takes him and for once, he doesn’t fight.
_______________________________________________
Dawn finds them still tangled together. They look sleepily at each other without a word. Everything is quiet, not even a bird is chirruping. They’re both exhausted, drained from the game the previous day, the episodes of last night… They both remember last night’s events. But there is no embarrassment, no second-thoughts, only acceptance. Kent speaks first.
“I’m scared, Jeff.” He admits, sheepishly. “I don’t feel or think that there is any going back. I don’t think I can just pretend that I hate gays and find them gross… I am gay. And… I… I’m… I am not disgusting!” He explodes.
Jeff soothingly brushes Kent’s hair, leans in and kisses the tip of his nose with the tip of his lips.
“No, you’re not. You’re beautiful.”
Kent can’t help the flush on his face, but he finds himself not minding it at all. He feels warm. He grasps Swoops’ hand and boldly kisses it. They are both fiercely pink now which makes Parse smirk, proud of himself. They goof around some more, enjoying this harmless, easy interaction, glad to forget about the ugliness waiting for them outside of their room.
At one point, Jeff takes Kent’s shirt off.
“I want to try something, okay? Tell me if you’re not comfortable with it.” He explains.
“Okay.” He tenses inadvertently.
“Hey, just try to relax. You can tell me to stop at any time. No pressure.”
Kent nods and shifts, trying to loosen up. Jeff barely strokes his shoulders and Kent shivers under the touch. The other man goes down to his chest, then to his ribs which makes him jolt – he is ticklish – but he finds it nice. It’s so gentle and genuine.
Swoops’ hands rest on his hips as he slowly bends down and presses a very soft kiss right below his belly button. Kent takes a big breath and forces himself to let it out. Relax. It’s okay. He trusts him.
Another kiss finds its place on the left, and again another one on the right, then he leaves a line of kisses all the way up to his jaw.
There is no rush and everything is soft. Jeff makes sure to be as diligent with each new kiss as he was with the previous one.
A beauty spot on his collarbone is gifted a kiss as well, and soon enough every single beauty spot on his torso gets the same delicate attention.
Parse groans when he realises it’s the last one. He doesn’t want it to stop just yet.
Jeff rests on Kent’s belly, looking at him, his hands folded under his chin.
“How do you feel?” He asks.
“Good. A bit sad you stopped.” He answers, the pad of one of his finger lingering along the scar on Swoops’ face.
Jeff chuckles which makes Kenny pout.
“Hey! Don’t make your pouting kitten face, it’s not fair!” He exclaims, while poking lightly at his boyfriend’s ribs. “Maybe if you ask me politely, I’ll start again,” he adds, merrily.
A new light sparkles in Kenny’s eyes. He grins.
“Kiss me some more… please?” And Jeff obliges, too happy to show his love, too happy that Kenny wants him to be affectionate in soft and leading ways, too happy that he actually seems to enjoy it and to allow himself to enjoy it.
This time, he ends it with a kiss on the lips and then rolls into Kent’s left side, his head resting on top of his shoulder. Kenny is absently brushing his left arm.
“So, how was it?” Swoops inquires.
“Unusual.”
“Bad?”
“No. More like I’m not… used to it.” He sighs, less sure of himself. “Maybe I should let you… do this more often.”
He almost said let you love me, but he didn’t. It feels too overwhelming, and his heart is beating fast in his chest. He keeps it for another time. He still has work to do to get there, but he is confident it will happen.
They remain still, touching one another, for a little while after that, in thoughtful silence, knowing that they’ll have to move soon enough. They have to work out, get breakfast, then pack and finally hit the road. But for now, they’re still in this intermediary state, caught in between peace and chaos, in the nothingness, determined to make the most out of the calm before the storm. They breathe in unison.
In.
And out.
In.
And out.
An alarm clock makes itself known, and everything returns to motion. They sit up straight, force themselves out of bed and change into work-out clothes.
“What about a run? I’m not really looking forward to getting stuck into a gym with the others.”
Jeff is ruffling the other bed, to make it look like they didn’t sleep in the same one, just in case.
“Yeah. Not ready to make small talk with them, uh?” He chirps.
“No. Indeed.” Kent answers, seriously.
“Kenny, it’s gonna be okay. I promise you only have to be your sassy self and they won’t even notice.”
“And how do I avoid getting angry? I’m not the calmest person on Earth, you know that.”
“I’ll help you with that. And therapists can give you useful tips.”
“Still not ready for this today.”
“Okay. Then, let’s go for a run!”
He claps Kent’s shoulder on his way to the door, but gets stop by Kent who steals a kiss from him in the process.
“Good luck charm,” he explains with a wink.
Jeff shakes his head in an amused disbelief. They head out and run in a comfortable mix of silence, chirps and Kent’s well known entertaining way to converse. It’s easy, it’s nice. They have been running buddies for a while now and it’s, at least, one of the only things they can do in public without anyone batting an eye.
They head back to the rustic resort. Kent wins at rock, paper, scissors and gets to shower first. He leaves the room shortly after that to get breakfast. They rarely eat breakfast together on roadies, unwilling to take risks. This resulted in Parson being grumpy pretty much every morning, which built him a solid to-do-not-disturb reputation. That is, he won’t have to speak to anyone, which buys him some time to reflect on what happened and how it’ll affect his future. For sure, things will change, he just doesn’t know exactly what yet; besides that he is actually going to listen to Jeff and work with a therapist. He will at least give it a shot. He could use a hand to help him sort out his feelings and help him with this mess, he thinks. Jeff made it sound like something good – and he doesn’t lie to Kent – so maybe it will be, indeed. He will see.
Time passes by quickly. The guys are excited to go home and pack their stuff at full speed. As such, everyone is exceptionally ready in advance, and they can leave early.
The ride back home is quiet on their part. They are way too tired to bother to stay awake. And when they’re sleeping, it’s easier to forget that they’re not allowed to hold hands. So, instead, they share a pair of earphones and nap. It’s Jeff’s turn to pick the music, and he thankfully chooses something they can sleep to. And that is how they let Life by Ludovico Einaudi clear their mind and escort them to whatever is next in their own lives.
End notes: I hope you enjoyed your gift :D I had a great time writing it! And I know i totally lied (unintentionally) in my asks (but your answers were very useful, thank you, it was appreciated) and wrote about the pairing i thought i wouldn’t pick. I have very strong feelings for ParseSwoops and as a consequence, I thought I would write too many things xD (god, I had cold sweats near the end, when i was approaching the 3k limit dangerously) but it worked out just right! Anyway, happy valentine’s day! Have a nice day :D
jackzimmermanslefteyebrow replied to your post “holy cannoli”
You should be proud! It's wonderful
Ahhh thank you so much! It’s ridiculous to me how long it’s gone on. Definitely the longest thing I’ve ever written! By a mile.
polyester-blend replied to your post “holy cannoli”
I just started reading Hummingbird Heartbeat yesterday!!!!!! You made me fall for a rarepair that I'd never thought I would endorse. Congrats on one year and thank you!!!!
OMG that’s so much to catch up on! But you know what, I think it’s awesome that you gave it a chance even if it includes pairings that aren’t normally your thing -- thank you so much!
srprincess replied to your post “holy cannoli”
Happy birthday to Jack *and* your awesome fic
HAPPY BIRFDAY TO ALL
yoursummerfrost replied to your post “holy cannoli”
❤️❤️❤️
<3 <3 <3
ishuzu replied to your post “holy cannoli”
Thank YOU so much for your writing, and for sharing it with us freely, I know your stories have brought me so much joy. I wish you abundant inspiration and joy in your work.
Your tips for a writer came across my dash and I've been having trouble finding a responsive fix community here on Tumblr. My attempts at cultivating one have also been in vain. Do you have any tips on how to find one or join one?
Oh, man. Tumblr is not a site that is set up for forming, cultivating, or maintaining communities. It’s as though the designers did everything they could to prevent it from being used for that. Someday a new platform will catch fandom’s eye that brings back that aspect of LiveJournal (more successfully than Imzy’s attempt), but for now, yeah, it’s tough here. Here is what advice I can offer, from someone who for years and years had trouble figuring out how to make actual fandom friends but in the past three years has gotten pretty good at it:
- For me, joining an IRC channel for fic writers was life-changing. I hang out almost every day in @antidiogenes (the tumblr has instructions for connecting on IRC), which was started for Sherlock fic writers but now has people writing in all sorts of fandoms, plus original fic. We have word wars to see how much we can write and then share our favorite bits of what we wrote, ask each other for help on word choice and stuff like that, and also gab about non-writing stuff. It is 18+ and there is talk of smut. This is where I’ve met pretty much all the fandom friends I’ve hung out with IRL.
There is also @spnircchat if you write SPN fic (though people talk about other fic there, too) - that one is only open (or, at least, populated) on Tuesday evenings, and every week has a specific writing topic to talk about and get advice on.
For Check Please, there is @omgchatplease, which many people think is only open around updates and big hockey things, but there are actually people in there every day. It’s not specifically about writing, but there are lots of fic writers in there if you want to talk about it. It’s all-ages, but has an 18+ sister called epikinkster. I’m sure there are a lot of other chat rooms out there, but these are the ones I’m in!
- I’ve made a good number of fandom friends just by commenting on each other’s fics. Long, meaty comments that call out specific details or ask questions about the writer’s process and decisions will get most fic writers talking, and you can have good conversations in the comments! Then soon after a few back-and-forths we’re mutuals on Tumblr and replying to each other’s posts and messaging and such. I don’t necessarily talk to those people about writing that much, or ask them for advice, etc, but that’s mostly because I get that in my chat rooms so I don’t need it; I’m sure most of them would have no problem if I messaged them and said “hey, so what do you think of this characterization issue I’m having?”
- Really, if you’re mutuals with any fic writer, they’re probably up for convos about writing. If you’re not, a lot of fic writers wouldn’t mind getting a message or ask like “Hey, I really love your stories, do you have time to give me a little advice on a writing problem I’m having?” The answer might be no, but they won’t hate you, I promise. And if they do, they’re an asshole, unfollow them. Same if you’re looking for a beta (though remember that even if they’re willing, not every beta is a good match for every writer - have some idea what it is you want input on to see if it’s something they’re comfortable critiquing).
- There is also Twitter, which is not my area of expertise. I am now in a couple group DM chat things, but that is like a super recent development and I still hardly tweet or read my twitter feed at all. I am like barely one level up from Jack Zimmermann in re: Twitter. There may be others with advice on how to find a good group there. But yeah, things happen there???
That’s about all I can think of. Fandom really, really needs something like LiveJournal back. And we’ll get it eventually; no platform lasts forever, and Tumblr won’t, either.
Anyone reading this is welcome to add your advice!
writingdragon replied to your post “someone should tell Trump that disagreeing with a statement, or not...”
Some say he's not even that smart in business. He's got money and lawyers to defend his bad deals.
Yeah - I’ve read a list about all his failed businesses - but it’s mainly because he once called a dude very smart because he went to the same business school as he did (because everything needs to be about him, obviously) and yeah - that’s not really a sign of intelligence or knowledge about non-business related subjects.
Omg. You're coming to Pittsburgh. I hope you have a great time here!
Thanks! We used to drive over to the IKEA before we had one here so I’ve really never been into the city. I’m going with a friend who is v. familiar so we’re going to spend Saturday daytime hanging out, then go to the game, stay over and go back on Sunday.
On the subject of Krystal (you're probably getting quite enough asks about that, but nevertheless I'M COMMENTIN') part of the reason I'm not personally getting my hopes up, reboot or no, is that Nintendo's not great at handling major female characters (besides Samus. Usually). Peach and Zelda have done some awesome things, but they mostly exist to be rescued repeatedly and often; I kind of feel like they tried to make Krystal into "furry Peach/Zelda" and it...didn't...quite...work out...
Yeahh, that too, although I think Peach and Zelda are stronger characters than Krystal.
That's partly why I think they should just nix her altogether. Working out where she came from and then reintroducing her would be a huge hassle and take up too much time when there are more important things in the games to fix. Maybe if she wasn't on the team and just had like, a cameo like Katt and Bill in 64, it wouldn't be such an issue.
