Will I Ever Be Good Enough?
“Xandor? Darling?” Natalie stirred.
“Xandor, wake up,” they persisted as they rolled over in our bed and began to jostle me to consciousness. Little did my partner know that my night terror of the evening had already woken me up in a puddle of either the coldest sweats or the bravest tears.
“Xandor, my love, this is the third night in a row. What ails you? How can I help you?”
The embers from the fireplace cast a faint light across the room as I wiggled my way into a seated position. I filled my lungs with the crisp autumn air as I tried to steady myself.
“Where do you want me to begin?” I asked as I managed to fight back an extremely pained laugh.
“Wherever you would like,” my partner replied, “and whatever helps you in this moment.” They sat up and put an arm around my shoulder and pulled my head against theirs.
“What if I’m destined to be a failure? What if, just like my father, I’m supposed to die before I accomplish real change?,” I began as my voice begins to catch every piece of gravel of the road the words travel on, “What if I’m not good enough and fail to save the world and the country we live in?” The grains of sand under my castle began to cascade away as I felt Natalie’s embrace.
“You ask these questions as if the responsibility is solely on your shoulders. You ask this as if you are the only one to bear the responsibility of these tasks.”
“But I’m Leore’s champion…”
“The same Leore who sent you to be a sacrifice to Gwynth. That same sacrifice should have been taught you that you are able to do things for yourself and it can still benefit the greater will of the people. Would you be here without her as well? Would you have returned home as the prodigal son of a martyred politician if not for YOU?”
“Natalie, my love, it’s not that simple.”
“Neither is saving the fucking world, my dear. Neither is uprooting systemic oppression. Neither are the gods themselves. You of all people should know that last one, goofball!” Natalie replied with a smirk that cut to my soul. No matter how far gone I’ve made it, they always managed to pull me back in.
“You would think being the balance of two polar opposite gods, right?” I agreed with a soft, sharp exhale. “Baby, I just— I have made so many mistakes.”
“Even with those pointy ears and the horns, you’re still mortal. You’re allowed to”
“I’m supposed to be an example, baby. How am I gonna be—“
“Be a realistic example of someone doing their damned best against all odds stacked against them? Of still doing just good things as best as they can? Damn the consequences?”
“Will I ever be good enough?”
“You are good enough. You’re more than enough for me, Xandor Sunbreeze. And our following might be smaller than we’d hope, but you’re good enough for them too.”
I collapsed into the crook of their neck, letting them pull me on top of them. “Get some rest, tonight. We have politicians to murder. And you have friends to suck up and message.”
With a mix of another laugh and a sniffle into Natalie’s skin, I adjusted my head to meet their eyes. “We are gonna need some help, aren’t we?”
“We all need a little help sometimes, and that’s fine, darling,” Natalie planted a kiss upon my forehead as they brushed a strand of hair out of my face.
