pretty girls lie.

[takemeeeback]

flashback.

yesterday, i woke up with not a care in the world. yesterday, i woke up and planned to have the regular day i wanted. instead, i received the past knocking on my front door. literally. after years of letting you go, you came back to say “hi”. as i prepared to speak to you, my heart almost beat out of my chest. it was pumping hard to keep my body moving, to keep my mind alert, but i was in a haze. i wanted to be nonchalant and carefree, but i gave a shit. i don’t know when or how, but some how you ended up inside my home. and it was like you never left. the way we talked and the way you looked at me. it was as if nothing ever happened. as if the terrible tsunami didn't wash away all of our beautiful temples and crush the warm homes you made with love. but as i looked at you, i remembered the innocence of our love. the way i loved you, without a care in the world. and although it felt like normal, it was missing one huge piece, my deep romantic unconditional love for you. i realized i will ALWAYS love you and i will have the utmost respect for you. but i cannot LOVE you. i’m already deeply, madly, and truly in LOVE with someone else. and he makes my heart flutter, and he makes me want to protect his heart with everything i have. i broke your beautiful heart and it makes me ache that you can still look at me with love. maybe i’ll always feel guilty. but i cannot regret letting you go, because i couldn’t love you boundlessly. yesterday, i didn’t remember the past. but today, i will cherish it. and remember that you were the reason i know how to love. you were my first love and i honor what we had.  

[takemeeeback]

lump in my throat.

you know the feeling, when you’re simply living and suddenly you get a flashback of a moment. a memory that immediately makes tears well up in your eyes. and you have to breathe deeply out of our mouth because you may suddenly begin to sob? because there’s a lump in your throat so large, you feel like you’re suffocating? well that’s what this entire year has been. we’re approaching the one year anniversary since your passing and there are a hand full of days that i can safely say, i didn’t have a lump in my throat. your voice, your sweet hugs, these memories of my favorite things about you are enough to comfort me when i begin to spiral down, and before i can begin to sob. i stop. i push it all down. like that extra styrofoam plate that you’re trying to squeeze into a garbage bag. or that extra towel you try to fit into your overpacked luggage. it’s too much. it’s too stuffed. and i can’t. i push it all down out of fear of hurting your peaceful soul. your beautiful soul wouldn’t want me to cry in your name. but how can i find solace or closure when i never allowed myself to mourn deep enough. i never allowed myself to lose myself in sorrow the way i should have. because a life as beautiful as yours is ALLOWED to be missed. and i’m not saying we should live our lives in sadness after we experience a loss, but i truly believe in the power of mourning. that emotional release is needed. i would say it’s required by the body. and now, you cannot push it away, or else you’ll live your life with a lump in your throat, forever. 

[hipster-and-thoughts]

[sokaktakiyazar]

[takemeeeback]

Getting Back Up.

It’s funny, just looking back at my last post about how an Uber changed my life. I smile to myself because it seems like getting on Tumblr and writing this all out was exactly what I needed. 

It’s tough, getting back up after you’ve been pushed down so many times. And you try not to internalize the rejection but its inevitable. But this moment right here, is me dusting myself off. Looking forward and far ahead. Because I encompass greatness within myself. I am powerful beyond my imagination. 

I will inhale and exhale positivity. This is me, getting back up. 

[takemeeeback]

Uber Changed My Life

I’ve taken countless ubers throughout the city. Whether it’s my ride home on a drunken night or a ride for a business trip. But the ride I had today, was unlike any other ride I’ve ever taken in my entire life. 

It all started at the Burberry store on 5th avenue. I had taken my family on a tour of the city, and they insisted on seeing 5th ave for all of it’s luxurious, decadent, designer stores. It was definitely an experience for me, so I was happy to do it. 

After we perused through some stores, we found a bag in Burberry that was just what my aunt needed. As we proceeded to leave, I called an uber that would take us back from the store to Port Authority, where we would take a bus home. There were 5 of us, so we needed an uber xl. 

I requested the uber and saw our driver Li was on her way. Perfect! So we waited, until the Toyota Sienna pulled up. A happy woman greeted us as we opened the door. We shared a laugh about fitting 4 people on a seat that was made for three. She jokingly said that luckily we weren’t “American” sized. TRUE! (hahah, it’s good to laugh at ourselves)

What happened next is beginning to become a blur in my mind, but I wanted to record this date and time for my own personal recollection. I want to be able to look back on a day where I don’t feel too great about myself, and remember this very moment...

My family and I were talking about Yelp, and how I was trying to gain elite status on the app. (It’s just a personal little goal, that gives me something to look forward to). But somehow this topic got my cousin to say, “I hope you remember us when you’re famous”. Li proceeded to tell us all that I was going to do something very great in my life. I am going to accomplish a lot in my life time. As I took all this in, I wasn’t really sure what to feel.. I thought to myself, that this woman maybe says this to all her customers. But then, she proceeded to say that I have a positivity in me that is contagious. I feel strange even typing all this because it feels boastful. But I’m going to be honest, it made my heart feel so light. 

This woman was recognizing me and my potential. She was speaking about all the greatness that I encompass. As I bashfully tried to shift some of the attention on to my family, she stated that it wasn’t necessary. She said that it is clear how amazing my family is just by looking at me. That one can see how great they are because we are all associated. She acknowledged how lucky we are to be so close and so surrounded by love. 

I wanted to record this moment because in a time where nothing seemed concrete in my life, I was reminded about how capable I am, and how blessed I am to have such a beautiful, caring family. Today I feel nothing but gratitude, perseverance, and strength. I truly believe Li came into my life to reveal my true purpose. Now, I may not actually know this purpose now, I am going to make damn sure that I let nothing in the way of this. I want to hold on to this moment and feeling, and never forget how much greatness I have within myself. I feel like I’m going to look back at June 1st, 2015 at 5:58 pm and tell myself, this is the day it all began. 

Today, I had the greatest moment in my life in an uber. 

[takemeeeback]

change.

The most beautiful moments of my life have been a product of chance. The most fulfilling opportunities I’ve gotten were because I took a risk. And the most meaningful relationships I’ve built were because I stepped out of my comfort zone. I’m so afraid of change, but when I take a moment to reflect; its crystal clear. Change should be welcomed with open arms. 

[takemeeeback]

my demise.

i've realized that everyone around me seems to believe in me more than i believe in myself. it's probably the saddest thing about me. i have dreams bigger than this universe and i get wide-eyed anytime i speak about them. but when it comes down to it, my dreams feel like just that... a dream. so what's my biggest fear? myself. and my self-doubt.

[bandar-khader]

كيف أقول أشتاق اليك بطريقة تؤلم قلبك كما تؤلمني؟

How do I say I miss you in a way that will make your heart ache as mine does? (via raajkonna)

[m-0412-deactivated20160417]

[takemeeeback]

If something is destined for you, never in a million years will it be for somebody else.

[takemeeeback]

my fears

its been on my mind for a while now, as i approach graduation, i think of all the changes that life will bring. and the whirlwind of emotions that i'm feeling as i live in the moments between the past and future. it seems that i can't possibly live in the present. i am too busy reminiscing about the moments that i felt so alive and the moments that changed me. and when my mind has a moment to breathe i begin to imagine the life i will lead in the future. it's crazy to think about the path that has led me from where i was to where i have come. self-reflection can be so completely consuming. i feel a deep sadness lately. and i think it's because i feel so out of control of my life. time moves so very quickly and when we finally realize how tiny our lives are in the infinite course of time, its humbling and even belittling.

[takemeeeback]

all i ask is that when everything is falling apart, you'll still be by my side.

[takemeeeback]

jealousy.

so it's my fault. you were still logged in and i saw the messages. i looked at the conversations. i saw her pictures. and well, the issue is trust. i know you love me, but you're a closed book. and maybe for you the past is the past, so those pages are never re-read again. but for me, my book is always open, and i show you my pages and pictures. you know my story. so when i go searching and hunting for your story, of course i'm going to be upset. i come across things i never knew. and it's a problem on my end. because i'm the one who isn't trusting. i'm the one who wanted to read the story you never told me. i'm hurt. but i don't know if it's my insecurities that are hurting me or it's your past that i know nothing about. i am an emotional being who needs to be told everything, i need to be reassured time and time again. and while i become stronger and more secure i need your help getting me through. i need you to be open with me. i want to hear the things you've pushed so far away in your heart and mind. tell me your story from your mouth.

[beautifulsouthasianbrides]

[takemeeeback]

love.

[takemeeeback]

♥

i love you, i love you, i love you. so damn much.

[dedicated-2-u]

[takemeeeback]

And there is a city in my heart where you are its only population.

[takemeeeback]

a letter to my ex

dear ex,

i hope all is well. next month today will be a year since we broke up. and let me tell you, i've come such a long way. i think about you every now and then. and i guess after such a long time of being apart, the relationship becomes a big blob, like those little quirks about us, the inside jokes, the cute pet names all become one, and all blend into this one being. a being that is eternally far from here. and i realize how thankful i am for you, and for everything you've taught me. you never mistreated me, never used me, never raised your voice at me, you wiped my tears when i would cry, and scared my fears away. and it seemed as though nothing was wrong, but as perfect as you were, you weren't perfect for me. and i searched long and hard for a reason. but sometimes, no reason is reason enough. so when someone asks me if i still love you, the answer is of course. you became a part of me. a part of my being. and though i may not think of you always, you'll always be in me. so how can i not love you? and if you were wondering, i'm doing great. i've finally moved on. and found someone amazing. and i have a feeling he is perfect for me. so even if you weren't the one for me, thank you for being a part of the journey that lead me to this new love.

sincerely, me