Harmonious Life of Contradictions

These are just words that I'm stringing together to express my thoughts, my feelings about life, love, subjects of substance, some of fluff, and just the common happenings in my life. Simple words, nothing grand. However, words seem to glide along a page like a beautiful dancer showcasing her form to a melody of your favorite singer. So I ask you to dance with me, sing with me, and let my simple, simple words guide you through a roller coaster of dreams and fears, of happiness and sadness, of successes and failures, of hope and despair. My life is harmonious contradiction that makes me the dreamer, the realist, the volunteer, the romantic, the optimist, the engineer that I am today and the lady I'll be tomorrow.

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Back to natural.... But I'm kinda missing the straight hair

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Today. Yeah that day....

Today marks the 1 year anniversary of my mom's ascension to Heaven. It's been 1 year since I've seen her alive.  1 year since I spoke to her.  1 year since I touched her cold stiff body, saw her swollen face.  That's the part I'll never forget.  The part I try to forget, but I know I never will.   I take solace in my strength today.  I was a little on edge this week,  but I didn't break.  I feel okay.  Sadness lingers a bit,  but I'm actually OK... And that feels good.  I didn't realize how damaged I could be until the days,  weeks,  shoot,  even months after.  I was weak.  I was scared of lonely. I felt uncomfortable in my house.  I didn't know if I could stay. I just wasn't good. I felt responsible.  I still feel a little responsible... But I'm not sure if there was much more I could have done without breaking myself.  I tried.  I really tried,  and I just got tired and worn down.... And started to take care of myself.  I know it was selfish,  despite her wanting to be completely independent.  I knew she wasn't where she was before but I thought she would be OK.... Maybe even eventually get better. I wanted her better.  I wanted my mom back because she had become only a shadow of who she really was.  I feel I should have checked in more.  I should have considered what was not happening.  I'm the responsible one.  I knew it had to be me... But I was selfish.  I just wanted a break.  A little relief from thinking,  from responsibilities,  from life, from someone's hope.  I wanted my own life.  I wanted to live again.... I was selfish. I admit it.  I won't apologize for wanting to live,  but I do for not making sure she was living properly.  Honestly though,  I think I would have broken if I didn't start living again.  I felt responsible.  I still do somewhat,  but I know God has it all under control.  I know she's living now.... In His house. Living. Living as my mom.  The mom I knew from way back.  She's living,  and for that I am happy.  Because she is living with Him.  I didn't break today.  I got stronger today.  I felt loved today.  I was surrounded by friends today.  Thank you.  I love you mom.  I always have... Even when I rolled my eyes,  even when I didn't talk, even when you may have thought otherwise.  I loved you even then.  You made me who I am.  You gave me this strength.  You are the reason I'm living.  And I love you even now because you still give me strength that I'm finding each day.   

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More selfies 😁

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Yep I just finished eating, and yep my pants are unbuttoned. Don't judge me.

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He's not what I need, only what I want for the moment

Me

[mooserattler]

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Congrats Dante! Proud of you dude. Regardless of who made this list...was it you?

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Maybe....

Maybe I still need to get it together. Maybe I should have stayed an extra day. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so hopeful. Maybe I need to stop letting my heart lead my way.

Maybe I thought today would be different. Maybe I’m waiting for something that will never be. Maybe I just need to accept it. Maybe there’s only you and me, no “we.”

Maybe in due time, I’ll learn to protect myself better. Maybe I’ll shield myself from the start. Maybe I’ll be a little wiser. Maybe I’ll listen to my head, and not my stupid heart.

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Good girl with bad habits

Anonymous

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Yes, I Know, TMI.....Ugh.....

Highly sensitive nipples, chocolate cravings, attention deficit....Yep it's about that time. 2 days and yes, I'm counting.

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Life's Difficult Journey...

So I got a text from my little cousin today asking "why is figuring out life so difficult?" My reply was " because you won't settle (and that's a good thing) ...and if it were easy, you wouldn't appreciate it as much once you figure it out ." She goes "I knew you'd have the answer. Lol" If only though. I'm great at giving advice to others, and helping them see the bigger picture...but it's my own life that I stumble through...I've stumbled through. I stumble. I act. Then, sometimes I regret. If I did things differently, would I be different. Of course, the answer is yes....but the more important question is will it be better. God only knows.

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Conquering Awkward Moments...

Today I hung out with...myself. I got up this morning (okay midday) and went to Bakers Bros for lunch, then I drove out to Cadillac Ranch, went to the movies, then went to dinner at a Mexican restaurant I've been craving. So this doesn't seem like a big deal to some, but eating out alone, and going to the movies alone is a big thing for me. I feel that you have to be completely confident to do that, and I always have this weirdness about doing it. I envy those who do it often. But hey, I did it today and guess what, it wasn't that bad at all. It's weird because I pride myself on being this independent woman, and I have this craziness about going to a restaurant and eating alone. I will admit I did sit at the bar at the Mexican restaurant which may make it a little easier. But I still did it. Yay! I'm even considering going back out to Cadillac Ranch with spray paint, and my imagination. I definitely want to add some art before I leave Amarillo for good. Anyway, maybe I'll do this more often, maybe I'll get over my awkwardness, who knows....but today was a step in the right direction and it made me happy :)

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So I took a little hike today...emphasis on little. But this place has some gorgeous scenery...Palo Duro Canyon

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Twitterish...

Females can make a single cell organism complicated.

or maybe that's just me....

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Courageous: Caitlyn (Bruce) Jenner vs Service Men and Women...

Well, well, well…what do I have to say about this debate? First I ask, why are we even making this comparison? Is there only one thing that makes a person courageous?

So if you know me…I mean if you really really know me, you’d know that I have the utmost respect for the military. My work consistently puts me around the military, active and former active Marines, Navy, Air Force.. I get emotional about servicemen and women because I hold them in such high regard…and I refuse to even put a but behind these statement, so I’ll just add a period.

I believe it takes courage to step out into this world, and acknowledge that you are different than the social norm. It takes courage to face the negativity that you know will come just for following your own path. It takes courage whether you’re doing it for yourself, for fame, or just to seek attention. There’s still courage there. Bruce Jenner was courageous enough to step out and live how he feels is true to himself: as Caitlyn.

So I say don’t make a comparison between my heroes and Caitlyn. Don’t try to dim one’s light to brighten another’s. Let them both shine. I will always respect my heroes for serving and because they fight for my freedom, I recognize they are fighting for diversity and I can acknowledge that it takes courage to be yourself when most of the world tells you that your true self is unnatural.

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I've been taking selfies....in my hotel....in the bathroom. How Teenager-ish of me :P I should be ashamed...but look at my hair. It's straightened.

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Just One of them Days....

Well, today was a bust for me. I've been putting in 80+ hour work weeks, offsite, and I think it's catching up with me. Today was one of those days I wish I came home to someone. I needed that today. But I'll sleep in my hotel room tonight, and work my way though my stresses. Then I'll get up tomorrow, and pray that God allows me to see the beauty in a new day...and then I'll go to work :)

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Advice to my 20 year old self...

....and 36 year old self. If you need a break from life, take it. Take time for yourself. You need that alone time to keep you functional...to keep you sane.