The Darkest Side

Secondary blog \\ Recovery blog: the-in-side \\ Journal blog: the-silent-side

[tearsandtrying]

I hurt myself the worst that I have in years. And I congratulated myself because it wasn't with a blade. How fucked up is it when I celebrate hurting myself just because it could have been worse. Newsflash to myself: relapse is relapse, self harm is self harm.

Oh it feels so fucking good though, and that's the scariest part

[tearsandtrying]

Really really really really want to hurt myself bad rn, which is a funny feeling when I haven't seriously hurt myself for 6 years. It never really goes away does it lmfao

[tearsandtrying]

I would love to fking slide right now

[holycores]

i am slowly, but surely, disappearing.

[micahisaglitch]

Yesterday

When I woke up

The sun fell to the ground and rolled away

All that’s left alive here is me

and I barely feel like living

-Rupi Kaur

[tearsandtrying]

I'd give anything to hurt myself right now

[tearsandtrying]

I am really struggling with my trich lately. Tonight I took a photo of my head, and nearly threw up. I look like a mangy cat, covered in patches and baldness. I can't partition my hair any way to hide it, it's just there, glaringly obvious: this girl is broken

In all honesty, I don't know what to do. Do I go to the doctor? The therapist? I am disgusted with who I am. It feels like just yet another thing that's wrong with me. I'm sick of everything being wrong with me.

I want to have nice hair, I want to be pretty, I want to have soft flawless skin without the redness and scars. I want to be able to have someone sat behind me and not feel anxious and disgusting. I want to meet someone I really like, but how can I do that when I know I'm going to turn up like a scraggly stray cat, broken and diseased, and he's going to run a mile.

This should be something I can control. Something that is my fault that it's wrong with me. I should be able to stop. Why can't I fucking stop??

[cloudblack]

Children who feel they cannot engage their parents emotionally often try to strengthen their connection by playing whatever roles they believe their parents want them to. Although this may win them some fleeting approval, it doesn’t yield genuine emotional closeness. Emotionally disconnected parents don’t suddenly develop a capacity for empathy just because a child does something to please them. 

People who lacked emotional engagement in childhood, men and women alike, often can’t believe that someone would want to have a relationship with them just because of who they are. They believe that if they want closeness, they must play a role that always puts the other person first.

— Lindsay C. Gibson, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents (2015)

[the-in-side]

Last time I tried to come out as bi to someone I knew, I had a panic attack and chickened out. That was 3 years ago. Someone I know irl once saw my blog and told me that I shouldn’t pretend to be bi just to be ‘cool’ like everyone on this site, or just so I could play the ‘oppressed’ card, and I can’t stop thinking about it, every time I think about telling anyone. 

But anyhow. I haven’t tried since. I don’t know how. But I want to able to embrace it, I want to explore and experiment, without feeling guilty and suddenly wondering whether I’m just doing it for tumblr. Why’s it so difficult for me? 

[the-in-side]

maybe this is what the beginning of the end feels like

[the-in-side]

the past isn’t just ‘in the past’ - the past is part of the present until you learn to accept and understand what happened to you

[falling-from-hell]

6 Ways Unloved Children Self-Sabotage (and How to Stop)

Seeing how a toxic childhood affected you isn't always straightforward

I think I need to lie down

[the-study-side]

for someone who says they likes to learn, I sure procrastinate studying a lot

[yulenaas]

Oops

[itsborderlinebitch]

borderline nightmares

- message delivered - message read - when ur fave “needs space” - when ppl pick on u for being dramatic - when u just gotta - explaining splitting to nt friends - anyone finding ur journal - when ppl ask why youre “copying them” - when ppl ask why you are “so clingy” - when ppl say they will listen and stay and ur like o god i know it isn’t true but u still end up believing the same bullshit - when u cant help but forgive people who have pushed u passed ur boundries and fucked u over - when u cant feel - when u can feel - when u wanna disassociate but ppl wont stop talking to u - when u cant stop disassociating - disassociating during lectures/class/tests - “tell me about yourself” - “whats your sexuality?” -“ha! every1 does that… ur normal dont WORRY”

[falling-from-hell]

frankenstein’s monster is so relatable tbh - runs away to live where he doesn’t have to see anyone, ugly, abandoned by his father, just wants to be loved.  like shit, saMe

[the-sad-boy]

You calm me // 29/5/15 12:49am