Letter to Jasper From Prickles the Hedgehog
This is a letter I--er, Prickles--wrote to my nephew over the holidays...
Dear Jasper Bear, Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â
 My name is Prickles. I am the crystal hedgehog Uncy J sent you in the mail. Thank you for making me. Itâs good to be alive, spikey, and orange. I heard your Paw say you liked The Football Games, and that you like The Purple Viking Team. I want you to know that even though I am orange, I like purple things too. Skoal!
 I am writing this letter to you by sneaking out at night through a little door in the wall thatâs hidden so that dogs canât get me. I have an office and a critter den under the ground out in the backyard. I dip one of my spikey bits in ink and then write with it like a pen. I have a candle and thick reading glasses called spectacles because I donât see very well.
 I have a brother named Poppy and a panda friend named Pandy. Pandy eats panda bread and watches TV. We do a lot of texting. My bro Poppy came from the same litter, so weâre littermates. His spikes are orange too. He has a job as a balloon popper. When people have birthdays and they donât want the balloons anymore, they just call Poppy, who comes around in his van (though luckily heâs never had to change a tire on it) with a flashing light and a siren. He runs out of there and starts popping all the balloons and then he stares silently at the balloon holders until they cut him a check. His business is called POPPER STOPPERS, because nobody stops him from popping. Once, he popped a balloon he wasnât supposed to and then he had to de-pop it. He charged the hooman a de-popper fee, which was two shillings.
 Poppy likes popping balloons and âthatâs his jam.â That means, thatâs what he likes to do. Whatâs your jam? Is it toe jam? I hear that toe jam is good with derpleberry pie. I grow my own derpleberries out in the back yard, but no one sees them because theyâre the size of pin heads. Mr. Worm always wiggles by and tips his hat when Iâm out tending my berries. Mrs. Honeybee tells me about all the beeswax, and how it isnât like ear wax at all. Bees do not make ear wax, did you know that?
 Derpleberries taste a little like chicken, chocolate, and cheese. Like wobblepuffs with a hint of boofalope or hoozle noodles with dandelion juice. Do you know what I mean, man? There is nothing so fine as derpleberry puddinâ with a few southern-fried termites served in oak bark sauce. Yum.
 Please take good care of my crystals. Iâm sorry theyâre kind of pokey. I bet youâre happy you donât have to sleep on a pin cushion in an old, smelly shoe with a dirty foot sock for a blanket. Hooman feet get quite dirty. I know. I have to see them because Iâm a short critter with stubby nubbins for legsies. Only hoomans wear foot socks. I donât know any critters that wear foot socks or shoes on their feeties.
 May I ask you a question? Are you a hooman? Is a boy also a hooman and a hooman also a boy? They never told us much at Sharptooth Primary School For Pokey & Spikey Things. Thatâs where I went to school. They say that hoomans are tall, and stand on two feet, but that boys are like mini-hoomans who then get bigger as they grow. I got as big as I am now, pretty fast. Is your Mum nâ Paw hoomans as well, or are they people? What about your Uncy J, what is he? Whatâs an âuncyâ anyway? Iâm so confused.
 Thank you for growing my crystal spikey bits using the borax solution that is not a toy, and required adult supervision. I donât know what all that means, but it sounds like quite a lot of trouble to go through for a small plastic animal with questionable sireage. Spikes for a hedgehog are like feeties to a hoomanâas in, very important. So thank you, boy hooman.
 I am told that it is the custom of the Viking to say skoal, and hope that you have a field goal. I hope you reach all your fields, if that is your goal. I love my fields, especially ones with clover, dandelions, and sunshiney stuffs. Thank you for being a friend. You travel down a road and back again. Your heart is true, youâre a pal and a confidant. Meery Skoalmas to you and all the hoomans you like.
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