hannah. she/her. disaster bi. i have entered the lowercase aesthetic phase of my life. i have a variety of fandom interests, in anime, tv shows, movies, tabletop rpg actual plays, and video games. this tumblr will reflect that in being very multifandom, though whatever my current hyperfixation is might take center stage at any moment. on very rare occasions, i write fic.
She’s going to be the end of Jean-Luc (and me too, let’s be honest)
Inspired by @the-alpha-incipiens Picrusher fanfic (it lives in my head rent free). I can’t hear “doctor’s orders” without blushing, now. A few changes to the scene for art reasons (tm)
you have to be sexy but you have to be sexy in a way that's kind of bloody. you learn this early because you are wearing a ruffled skirt and the snow around your ankles kicks little sand particles against your calves. baby's first catcall. welcome to sexiness! welcome to the eyesore of your own body!
you have to be sexy like high heels. like sculpted eyebrows. like lean stomach and highly treated hair. you have to be sexy like youth is sexy, which means you have to be sexy like boxtox and plastic. a 30 year old can be sexy but she's not going to be bloody, and they like the bloodiness of it. a 30 year old is sexy when she is a whiskey glass and a wooden desk.
but you need to be sexy like an open mouth. you need to be sexy like a bitten apple. like plucked skin and white-knuckling the waxing kit.
so sex is a performance, not an enjoyment. for a while, you just assumed everyone else was also in on the joke - nobody actually likes sex that much, right? like, some men probably do, but why would you? it is like a gender - your gender is sexy. your gender is the performance of sex. you are thigh highs and garter belts. which, to be fair, do make you feel sexy.
part of what does make sex good is that you can tell that other people want you, which means the performance of sexiness is both bloody and wanted, which is good, which means you are winning at having a body. being wanted is the prize. being wanted is the thing you are searching for, not hope. you think you are looking for a soft grave in easy loam, but that is bloody but not sexy. to be sexy you must be bloody like a red open sign. bloody like a handprint. this will make you wanted.
any wanted or unwanted body is subject to supply and demand, which is to say that the more demand, the better you are valued. you must be highly demanded to be valued. this is stated in matter-of-fact by some men. sometimes it is a priest that says it, and sometimes it is a podcaster, and sometimes it is the 45th president of the united states of america.
(if you do not have any experience with being told your value, i want you to grab the nearest bird to you and i want you to crush it into a thin paste in your hand. spit into the center, and then hold your fingers closed tight around it for days and days, long after the rot has set in. feel bones itch inside of your fist. this is only a fraction of what it actually feels like, but it will suffice for a moment.)
good sex feels like you have earned their desperation. you have earned your own value. for a while you operated under the understanding that everyone knew about the power structure, even him. that their desire to take you - the violence of it - means that you must desire to be caught. little prince, guardian fox - you would rather have cut your own arm off. you liked the secret, cunning little voice you keep tucked into a box. you think you are fucking me. i am not even here right now. you are fucking what i conned you into perceiving. this is a painting, not a person. dominion over the body before all things.
so you bend your body like a wheat shaft and learn the steps so perfectly that it almost seems graceful. (if you do not have experience faking your own connection to your body and sexuality, cut each of your articles of clothing just a little bit incorrectly. pour fishbones into each of your meals. this way, you will experience the average noon on a tuesday.)
you have to be sexy like light spilled over a desk, but not desperate. not a noose. you can't be sexy like an electric guitar, you are the acoustic. you have to be on top of the bull but you can't have control over the animal.
okay, okay. the little rabbit of your heart went to sleep so long ago that winter has ravaged your concept of the human soul. there's something very-bad inside you, something that has taken over, a little fetid and rabid animal, angry and hurting and willing to bite first.
oh but even that's a pain that's sexy. open your mouth. be careful not to let the canines show.
i go through tumblr phases!! usually i'll always come back...... at some point. even though i only came back in this case because i saw that 20 Qs thing on twitter lol
i go through tumblr phases!! usually i'll always come back...... at some point. even though i only came back in this case because i saw that 20 Qs thing on twitter lol
i go through tumblr phases!! usually i'll always come back...... at some point. even though i only came back in this case because i saw that 20 Qs thing on twitter lol
i go through tumblr phases!! usually i'll always come back...... at some point. even though i only came back in this case because i saw that 20 Qs thing on twitter lol
the death of 8tracks made you all so bad at making playlists i fear. good ship or character playlist is max 16 songs and devastatingly perfectly crushingly curated. it should make sense musically, if not across the playlist, then at least from song to song. GRADIENTS of genre. think about this before you make a 200 song ship playlist that includes both maroon 5 and mitski. Think on it
shamelessly stolen from @sapphicsandscience <3 questions and rambly answers beneath the read more!
How many works do you have on AO3?
63.
2. What’s your total AO3 word count?
451,140.
I’m kind of impressed that it’s almost half a million, but also just how much I wrote in the last two years after not writing/publishing anything at all in 2021.
3. What fandoms do you write for?
Currently, Star Trek: TNG and PIC. Before that, the fandom I wrote the most for was Once Upon a Time. Everything else was just two or three fics, at least on AO3. I’ve been writing fic for decades so there are A LOT of fics and fandoms that have been lost to time. (Random shout out to Battlestar Galactica, which I wrote for back in my LiveJournal days!)
4. What are your top five fics by kudos?
I’m going to do two sets here, because my All Years one are all OUAT fics no one cares about anymore, and I have enough fics published from this year to have a top five of 2023 so my current fandom has something to read that will make sense to them lol.
All Years
The Fire’s Found a Home in Me - my Dragon Outlaw Queen magnum opus, the one shot collection that makes up the bulk of my Flicker Beat universe that divulges in season four. Technically “unfinished” but complete since it was never intended to have a true ending.
It Happened Once… - a Evil Captain Charming crackfic that honestly has way more kudos than I expected. This one for some reason sees a lot of traction still. It was originally supposed to have a just-as-cracky sequel, but I never finished it.
A Loaded God Complex - ah, Golden Queen, my guilty pleasure OUAT ship. Set in s6, this was the start of a set of one-shots that took the romantic Golden Queen that finally blossomed in that season and ran with it. Mostly involves a lot of dark power struggles masking as sex. Aptly all titled after Fall Out Boy lyrics, if I say so myself.
Put Your Venom in Me - another Golden Queen fic, see above.
The Computation - a little Dragon Queen one-shot I did, short and sweet. Honestly surprised it’s on here, because it’s not my best work by any means.
2023
peace - my Picard/Crusher fic set directly after the epilogue in the PIC s3 finale. I was pleasantly surprised by how much attention this fic has gotten. I had suspected I would end up writing a prequel, but I never thought it’d turn into the four part series that it has. I hope everyone still enjoys it.
Mastermind - the first Star Trek: TNG fic I wrote since I was a teenager watching TNG for the first time! This was entirely thanks to my friend Jess, if I’m remembering correctly? She prompted me to rewrite the season 2 episode “Manhunt” with Beverly in it instead of Pulaski, because my favorite toxic trait of Beverly’s is her jealousy.
what could’ve been, should’ve been (you) - my PIC s3 Picard/Crusher masterpiece. I got the idea for this by the end of episode two, struggled with it as the season went on, and then finally wrangled it into something that I truly love.
in the business of misery - jealous!Beverly makes a reappearance in this s4 TNG fic that fixes QPid. Because fuck Vash, okay.
trustfall - dlfshfsl this fic. If what could’ve been, should’ve been (you) is my PIC masterpiece, I think trustfall is my TNG one. I disparage it a bit by talking as if it’s shameless smut, but honestly I’m quite proud of it as a character piece as Picard and Beverly navigate a new relationship and new dynamics across 11k of words. Set in TNG s3, post-Sarek.
5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?
I try to! I genuinely appreciate comments, because I find it quite difficult to give them myself, so as a part of trying to be better I also try to respond to comments. I’m an awkward turtle, though, so I feel like I usually end up babbling about things people probably did not care about. If I don’t babble, I usually just leave a short and sweet “thanks for reading” that I hope doesn’t come across as insincere.
6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
Probably Winter Song, a OUAT fic I actually wrote for a holiday fandom advent calendar we did back in the OQ fandom. It’s a wedding fic, and smutty as is my usual, but it’s got a heavy dose of sadness. I sort of tried to make it hopeful in the end, because ending a Christmas fic with no hope felt like I was killing Christmas.
Another OUAT fic I wrote, A Spark to Ignite, was also really angsty, now that I think about it and doesn’t involve any character death (canon or otherwise). It was supposed to have a part two that fixed it but I never wrote it.
7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
Oooh. I’ll be polite and not take “happiest ending” to be dirty, even though I could list SO MANY fics for that.
bound to break, my Greatest Showman AU that I wrote for Outlaw Queen (OUAT fandom, again) ends pretty cleancut happily after having some angst in the middle. And it’s technically a multi chapter fic, though it’s short lol.
I Know, I Know, I Know (I Feel the Same as You) as my Outlaw Queen college AU always makes me happy when I think about the ending.
8. Do you get hate on fic?
Not really. I’ve gotten some comments that were definitely unnecessary and mean-spirited, but nothing major. Truthfully, I’m not nearly a big enough deal to get hate.
9. Do you write smut?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Sorry, nothing against anyone who doesn’t, but writing smut is basically all I do. It’s what I was known for in my previous fandom. It’s the thing I find the easiest to write, and secretly I suffer from a lot of insecurity because I feel like it’s the only thing I actually write very well. For a bit, in the OUAT fandom, I felt a little like a smut jukebox and it was entirely my own fault. But I wrote a lot of fun things and ultimately I enjoy writing smut.
10. Do you write crossovers?
I definitely have in my distant fic writing past, but nothing recently. OUAT almost counts as a canon crossover, given the story of it.
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Not to my knowledge.
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
No.
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
No, not really. My great network of fic writing friends have definitely provided excellent guidance and suggestions that have been enormously helpful, and that’s the closest I’ve gotten.
14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?
Lol I feel like this is impossible to answer? My current hyperfixation is Picard/Crusher, and that’s a ship I’ve loved for a very, very long time. So maybe it’s that. But I’ll always hold a place in my heart for Outlaw Queen and Dragon Outlaw Queen (especially for the latter, since I wrote SO MUCH of it). Adama/Roslin is my OTP from back in my LiveJournal days that will also be special to me.
15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but probably won’t?
Funnily enough, it’s not a Star Trek one, even though that’s my current fandom. The WIP I really, really wish I had finished is Where the Burn Marks Form. I had SUCH PLANS for Dragon Outlaw Queen and Calida and got too intimidated by what I wanted to do to actually write it. Sometimes I think it’s for the best though, because I think any remaining DOQ fans might have been sad about what all was supposed to happen (though it was always supposed to have a happy ending).
16. What are your writing strengths?
Smut. Once upon a time (lol), threesomes in particular. Ironically I used to struggle a bit with writing just two people having sex after writing so much Dragon Outlaw Queen, but I find it not as difficult anymore.
Character voices. Not to brag, but something I pride myself on is getting a character’s voice right. It’s something I work very hard at, and stress a lot over, but generally feel like I succeed.
17. What are your writing weaknesses?
Literally anything else? You want long, detailed plotty fic? Sorry, can I interest you in a smutty one shot instead. You want something angsty? Not really my style. You want a well-plotted completely alternate universe fic? LOL please, I write fic so I don’t have to world build. Canon compliant or canon divergence or bust, baby.
I write on vibes, and I’m sure sometimes that is blatantly obvious. I have the vaguest of plans whenever I sit down to write something, and I go from there. Probably someday I should try to have actual concrete plans and not just “hmm what if i do this” vibes.
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?
Lol okay let me piss off the entire Picard/Crusher fandom real quick: IN MY OPINION, it is annoying to write dialogue in another language unless it’s like… blatantly obvious what you’re saying. Very rarely is there a point to it, and it can be easily sidestepped by “blah blah blah,” he said in French. Basic phrases, sure. Pet names, have at it! Several sentences in another language?
Look I don’t speak French. If you put French in your fic, I’m having to pull out Google translate and heaven help me if it’s dirty talk, because now Google is translating “I want to fuck you,” to English from different languages (French, it’s French, I didn’t have this problem in my other fandoms). I wish if people were going to do that, they’d at least make a footnote (I would 100% be willing to find out how to format it) and!!! I think you can still use html to set it up so that when you hover over text, it gives you a little mouseover text where you can have the translation!!! That way I don’t have to one: try and scroll down to the end notes hoping for a translation and thus breaking my immersion as I scroll back up, or at least if it’s a footnote it’ll have an anchor taking me back to the sentence in question.
Sorry rant over, everyone please continue writing however you wish, I will deal. And honestly if you use the same French phrases enough I’ll learn them anyway, so it won’t matter in the long run. This absolutely is not a deal breaker for me when it comes to reading a fic, it’s just a pet peeve.
19. First fandom you wrote for?
Um, probably Harry Potter but that is my long-forgotten days.
20. Favorite fic you’ve written?
trustfall as mentioned above for Star Trek: TNG. With trustfall, it was maybe the second or third fic I wrote for Star Trek (I mean, at least not counting back when I was in my early teens writing for it) and I really think it's just some of my best work? It's a smut fic, but I think there's really, really good character exploration in it. It easily could have just been a fic where Beverly soft dommes Jean-Luc and all you get is that final scene, but I think the build up really makes it worth it. idk idk I have a lot of feels for this fic lolol.
Wishes in the Dark for OUAT. My key party in Storybrooke fic!! aka my Awkward David fic. I think this is one of the best fics I've written, period, for a lot of the same reasons as above. It's 30k, it's got Dragon Outlaw Queen, but more importantly it's got David lusting after Regina and Mal and getting the chance to sleep with them with Snow's permission... and then also Robin joins in and David realizes some things about himself. There's a whoooole side quest of things that was supposed to happen after this story that I never wrote. It's also got some really tender Evil Charming, because I couldn't resist.
And that's all folks! Thanks for reading if you made it this far, I know I really rambled. <3
