on one hand, if i put in the effort to heal and grow, i can go into remission, be cured, live life and learn mechanisms to eliminate as many diagnostic criteria i present as possible.
on the other hand, i'm almost afraid of going into remission. i'm afraid of backsliding. getting worse.
i like to think that i'm relatively self-aware, which makes therapy excessively difficult- but it also helps me assess myself when it comes to pinpointing what would be easiest for me to work on in regards to my mental health and the diagnostic criteria i present with bpd.
in my opinion (and i may be negatively biased, it happens), i present all nine of the diagnostic criteria. to be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, you must present a minimum of five as stated by the DSM. they're listed as:
frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
patterns of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships that are characterized by black and white thinking (idealization and devaluation)
identity problems exhibited by unstable self-image or sense of self
potentially self-damaging impulsivity
recurring suicidal behaviors, gestures, threats, and or self-mutilating behaviors
affective instability due to significantly sensitive moods, with euphoric and depressive highs/episodes
chronic feelings of emptiness
inappropriate, intense anger and or lack of anger control
transient, stress-induced paranoid ideation and or severe dissociative symptoms/tendencies
i firmly believe that i present all nine. of course, i am on my healing journey and have professional psychological help, so there are criteria i exhibit significantly less than others, such as criteria 1, 5, and 9. i still struggle with these occasionally, but as much or as badly as i used to say, maybe 2-3 years ago. i still find myself unnecessarily walking on eggshells around the people closest to me in fear that i'll accidentally give them a reason to leave, i still consider death and how long it would take for someone to find my body if i died and find myself staring at blades and razors thinking about relapsing despite being four years self-harm free as of july 16th. i still shut down completely and lose myself in maladaptive daydreaming or eating less and taking less care in my hygiene when i get particularly stressed out or overstimulated.
the other six criteria i struggle with heavily, and often find that my only form of respite from these symptoms tends to be in the form of substance abuse (alcohol and recreational marijuana usage, i am extremely prone to addiction, it runs in both sides of my family).
i don't have many friends. in fact, i can count them on one hand, and most of them are long-distance/online friends. the friends i have close by physically i still don't tend to see often because we're all adults with our own separate lives and dramas, so i tend to spend most of my free time alone. i suppose that this fact has helped lessen the strength of criteria number 2. if i don't have many interpersonal relationships, especially ones that aren't necessarily 'properly maintained', then it's a bit harder for things like black & white thinking to completely derail or cause any issues with them. it can still be pretty bad, typically if it's familial relationships (read as: my relationship with my mother), as my mother is the primary cause of my emotional and mental traumas throughout my childhood/teenage years. i keep contact with her to a minimum because she stresses me out and pisses me off.
for criteria three, i notice that my lack of people to spend time with actually causes me more struggle, since me being alone all the time means i know lots of ways to distract myself from Me, and i tend to have to cycle through these ways frequently, often finding myself without any productive and healthy methods. in these situations i more often than not begin a downwards spiral of self deprecation and loathing caused/extended from a lack of self-perceived identity. in simple terms, if i am not around other people or 'entertaining an audience', then i do not see myself as an existing person, i become a shell of sorts. a car sitting in idle at the curb waiting on its passengers in the house. that feels like a decent analogy. i think that this particular set of symptoms is also why i find great joy in knowing how people around me perceive me. i enjoy it greatly when my (few) friends psychoanalyze me or point out little quirks and habits i have- it makes me feel real and human.
in my self-reflection, i noticed that my presentation of criteria four is exhibited by my tendency to 'elope' (autistic trait- my mental issues are bountiful) by putting myself in a dangerous situation, i.e. walking alone late at night with noise-cancelling headphones on. i also think that it's presented in my partaking of addictive substances like alcohol and nicotine or caffeine despite my genetic predisposition towards addiction. in fact, i have a nicotine dependency that's been ongoing for the past seven years, and a caffeine addiction that's been going for who knows how long. i know these are dangerous and self-destructive behaviors, but i partake anyways because one: part of me doesn't really care, and two: sometimes or in some scenarios, these behaviors and tendencies are the only coping mechanisms i have that will work to keep me from splitting.
i think that criteria six and eight are also impacted by my sparse social circle, and i present them significantly less that i do many of the others. eight is somewhat of an exception depending on how much sensory overload or overstimulation i am experiencing at any given time. my oftentimes depressing social life leaves me with lots of spare time for hobbies like meditation and yoga, with help me keep my emotional state and moods under control. of course, there will always be instances and occurrences, but most negative stimuli i can manage or negate.
i find that criteria seven is the one i present the strongest and the most frequently. even as i'm writing this, i don't feel any particular emotion or any which way, i just am. i am currently a car in idle, going back to reference the allegory/analogy i made a few paragraphs previously. i don't view myself as human or as a 'person' in the traditional sense in this moment. i find that i don't view myself as a human person very much, especially as of late. i'm in the same existential state as a video game pause menu. or i guess you could say like the weeping angels from Dr. Who, i don't exist as a human being unless i'm looked at, minus the terrifying ordeal of risking your life by blinking.
i don't even know what i'm writing this post for, i'm kinda choosing to view this as somewhat of a journal entry that the entire internet can see. which is mortifying. people i don't know or trust can perceive me, which is why i tend to not post much on social media, unless i have a private or restricted account. talk about 'stranger danger'.
i'm not a licensed professional, i'm just mentally ill and writing small self-assessments about how my mental disorders/disabilities impact and express themselves in my day-to-day life.
seek help, therapy is great.
