the-wordnerd

A place for words, and thoughts, and ideas.

[the-wordnerd]

I hold all this love for you in my heart. It's like a keepsake that I'm too scared to lose, lest I forget what we shared. Your smile is like a souvenir in my memory, the blue of your eyes like a mirror into the past. What we built is crumbling and I find myself clinging to the rubble, looking for a way to go back.

[the-wordnerd]

Somewhere along the way, I learned how to love again. I learned by the freckles on your nose and cheeks, by the blue of your eyes that never fades away. I fell in love with your quirks and your flaws, and all the things that make you who you are. It’s in all the things I’ve ever learned about you, in the way you smile at me from across the room. It’s in the way you tell me I’m gorgeous when teh sun shines down on my face, and the way you make me feel appreciated unlike anything I’ve ever known. It’s the birthmark on your arm that shaped like a heart, and all the hidden freckles that only I know about. It’s the fact that we know each other so intimately. It’s me growing in you, you growing in me.

[the-wordnerd]

I never thought I’d love again. I gave up completely on the artistry of falling, I accepted my loneliness as a given fact of life. Then you waltzed into my life, captivating me by a campfire, pulling me in with the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen. You taught me what it was to love again. Now I can’t imagine my life without you. I know I’ll spend my life loving you.

[the-wordnerd]

You’re the only one I’ve ever loved, and I don’t want to let you go. Please come back.

[the-wordnerd]

I used to glorify the fact that my boyfriend was my best friend. Until it ended. Now I see him and the dull ache is still just as fresh as it was a year ago, because he’s not just my ex, he’s my best friend, estranged and enclosed in a bubble of everything we used to be. We did everything together, riding bikes, getting my kitten, 4AM phone calls, we found the joy in every small thing, simply because we did them together. We texted non stop, and he always called me beautiful, and for once I believed someone. We hunted for books together in stores, we made plans for our future, made up names for our kids. We designed a house just for fun, and planned how we’d actually fix a fixer upper. We planned all the travels we’d take and the way we’d get through college apart, never doubting our bond. Now all those plans are gone into thin air, and I have no one to talk to. The sadness of all my life’s plans being ripped away at once is soul crushing and far too much weight to bear, and it leaves me wishing for a confidant, but the only one I ever had is across the room, oblivious to how I’m feeling. So girls, don’t make your boyfriend your best friend. The feeling of losing two people in one is too much to bear.

[the-wordnerd]

Nothing hurts more than being forgotten by the one who you loved the most.

[the-wordnerd]

I think of you all the time. When I wake up, you’re there, and when I go to sleep, you’re there. I like to imagine how it would be if you were with me, at all times of the day. I like to picture how our life could be together, and how happy we could be with one another. It’s easy to picture us in marital bliss, cooking in our kitchen, fighting playfully over the sink in the bathroom, playing tug of war with the bedsheets in the night. We’d have a dog, and you’d want to name him something corny, and I’d cackle with laughter even if I think it’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. I’ll do all the cooking and you’ll do all the whining about how long the food is taking, and you’ll do all the bed making because you know how tedious I find it, and yet you know how much I like straightened sheets. You’ll make fun of me for reading, and you’ll insist we make slime like we did fifteen years ago in your parents’ kitchen, and I’ll give up on reading because you’re making such a mess on my clean counters. I’ll fuss at you, and we both know I don’t mean a word of it. We’ll lay down on the couch, me ignoring the mess, and you ignoring your creation, and you’ve got just a little slime in your hair, yes, just there, above your left eye. You’ll put on some realty show that I still just haven’t quite learned how to love yet, and you’ll shush me about the slime in your hair, saying you’ll get it later. You run a skein of my hair through your fingers, and I’m enjoying it- until I realize you’re putting the slime left on your fingers into my hair.

[the-wordnerd]

Requests?

Hello all! I’ve actually gotten a few messages in the last couple of days asking about requests. Believe me when I say I never in a million years thought that anyone would want me to write something for them! However, I’ve decided I’ll give it a try! Feel free to message me with any requests you have, and I’ll see what I can do:)

[the-wordnerd]

Sometimes, I see your car in the restaurant parking lot. And if I hadn’t already had plans, I’d have pulled right back out again. Instead, I sneak in through the back door, eyes down, avoiding your curious stare, because I know you’ll sidle up next to me at the bar. I know you’ll wreck my night, just like you always did- picking fights and letting your jealousy control you. I know you’ll be angry when you see him calling my phone, while you breath your vodka breath down my neck, and touch my arm, even with the cool wedding band against my skin. Sometimes, I see your parents at the grocery store. I peek around the aisles and dart around corners, trying to avoid the interaction that we’re all dreading. I still remember how your mom cried when I told her what you did, the way the whole town knew within a day. Nothing is private in a town like ours. We hid it pretty well there for a while though, didn’t we? But the one thing that I know to be true, is that I have a new man, and he treats me better than you could have ever damn well dreamed.

[the-wordnerd]

Our whole relationship, I was enamored with you. Nothing you could do or say would turn me away. I clung to you like the stars to the moon, you enraptured me in your orbit. I fell in love with you hurriedly and haphazardly, and you charmed me all the way with your quick wit and stunning smile. I believed you to be the shining star in my dark sky, you guided me and led me, paving an easy path to follow. It wasn’t until much later that I realized that you weren’t my sunshine- you were the black hole pulling me into oblivion.

[the-wordnerd]

The Girl

She sits alone, by the fountain, and the sun warms her hair. She watches the leaves skitter by on the ground, and she tucks her hair behind her ear when the wind tousles it. Her legs are crossed, and she’s holding a journal to her chest, clutching it like a vise. There is noise all around her, and many look at her as they pass, she is beautiful, in a way that draws unsuspecting minds in. The chatter of passing strangers is not enough to captivate her attention, nor is the way that the church bells ring in front of her. She listens only to the tinkling fountain, and the fluttering fall leaves. Secretly, she is hoping someone will speak to her. She sits here, lying in wait everyday, but we are all too afraid to approach a soul so calm and uninhibited. Whom else sits and ponders for hours without the hindrance of boredom? She is an unknown mystery, and secretly, we are all scared of her, of who she could become to us. So we all pass by, and we are pulled by her magnetic force, drifting closer, then pulling back, so as to not disrupt her peaceful reverie. One would think she never notices these passerbys drawing near, but she does, and she prays for them to come closer. So, I sit. I come and I sit next to her, by this fountain, with the leaves and the journal. And though she never breaks her stare from the cobbled sidewalk, I see her. I see the smile that she’s trying desperately to hide.

[the-wordnerd]

I want 6 pm dinner dates with you, and 11 pm bedtime cuddles. I want 3 am too restless to sleep, so we stare into each other’s eyes. I want 7 am and it’s too early to even think about being awake, so we curl into each other and fall asleep for a little while longer. I want 10 am yawns and stretches, and 11 am lazy tv and coffee. I want your lazy Sundays and your hectic Fridays, and your boring Wednesdays. I want your phone calls and your quirks, your rainy days and your sad days. I want it all, with you.

[the-wordnerd]

Imagine us two years from now, on college spring break. We'll go to a beach and have our own hotel room, where we can stay up as late as we want and sleep until the sun is too bright to dim with the curtains. We'll take our chairs and towels to the sandy beach, and we’ll spend the day hopping waves and sunning ourselves. When the sun starts to set, we’ll drag ourselves reluctantly back to the hotel room, our tanned, salty skin tingling with the last rays of sun. We’ll shower all the sand and salt off of our skin and hair, and wear our cutest clothes for dinner on the pier. We’ll treat ourselves to ice cream, and end up back on the beach for late night fireworks, fighting over which of us can have the cute lifeguard that’s to our left. And when we finally drag ourselves back to the room for the night, we’ll go giggling and stumbling, having the time of our lives. Because we know we get to do it all over again tomorrow.

[the-wordnerd]

Somehow, the truest love I’ll ever know can’t last long enough to make either of us happy. But, I can still remember falling for you over and over, you've always run through my mind constantly, even now. Even when I keep thinking I’ll forget you, my heart never will, because you’ll forever hold a piece of it in your hands. So, my bones will always ache with the chill of your absence, and my bitter heart will forever sting with the knowledge that we never got a proper ending. Knowing the truth doesn’t make it hurt any less, but, god, am I ready for the hurt to fade away.

[the-wordnerd]

It’s rainy today, and we haven’t spoken in three straight weeks. I guess that’s the price we pay for the folly we made, but it doesn’t stop me from staring at the brown of the earth and seeing your eyes, or seeing the green of the trees and recalling your smile. The time doesn’t keep me from following the breeze to you, or pulling your old t-shirt out of the drawer to smell. You’re the stone that keeps me grounded, even when I am spinning precariously at the edge of the abyss.

[the-wordnerd]

I can’t wait to live in the mountains with you, and take our dogs for hikes. We won’t make our bed for weeks, and we’ll pile plates precariously on the dresser. We’ll play music too loud while we cook in the kitchen. On Wednesday’s we’ll visit a farmers market. On Sunday’s we’ll sleep in way past noon, memorizing the feel of each other for hours. We’ll watch it snow from the window, and try not to spill our coffee when we run from room to room.

[the-wordnerd]

Learn me slowly, flip through my pages slowly. They’re fragile, from spills and bumps and prying fingers. You handle them so gently, reading them with care and precise movements, leaving no word unread, and no chapter of my life left behind. I find myself often thinking, what must it feel like to see a person so raw and open before you? What kind of person does it take to be so kind and loving with such broken remains?