The Asexual Up My Sleeve

This is a place for sexuality musings and reblogs as well as advice or anything else deemed necessary. Say hi! Ask questions! I only have a few aces up my sleeves. Please let me know if you have concerns about anything I have written/posted or would like certain tags on any material!

[theaceupmysleeve]

Five College Ace Meet Up

Hey friends, if you're in the Five College/Pioneer Valley/Western Mass area and you want to come to an ace meetup this Saturday (2/28), guess what? ONE WILL BE HAPPENING at Mount Holyoke College at 4pm. Spread the word and message me for location etc details!

[satanicsugarhigh]

Asexual valentines cards! I wasn’t exactly sure what to write on these but that’s why there’s a blank one so you can write your own messages. Feel free to use any of these!

[godlessace]

Looking for Asexual Agenda contributors

The Asexual Agenda is a blog written by ace-spectrum people, for ace-spectrum people, covering topics at a higher level than what you find in the mainstream news. We talk about experiences, identity politics, intersectionality, academic research, asexual activism, and more. We also serve as a portal for the asexual blogging community.

We periodically look for new contributors, and now the time has come!

Expectations:

We do not instruct contributors what to write, so you must be self-motivated. You are also expected to correspond with us by e-mail.

How to apply:

To apply, please e-mail us at [email protected] by February 16th. Briefly (in ~100 words) tell us about yourself, and why you’d like to contribute. Also include a writing sample (300-1000 words), something that would be suitable to publish on The Asexual Agenda.

The main purpose is to demonstrate that you are self-motivated, can correspond by e-mail, and can write effectively.

Guest posts:

We often have people ask if they can just make one contribution. We are always open for guest posts, as long as you come to us. Please e-mail [email protected].

[queenieofaces]

If you are a person who blogs about asexuality, you should think about applying to The Asexual Agenda!  I’ve been writing for the Agenda for 2+ years, and I’ve really enjoyed it.

[rotten-zucchinis]

"z-sexual / zedsexual" as a *deliberately* *non-clinical* alternative to "allosexual"

Okay, I’m endorsing “z-sexual / zedsexual” as a deliberately non-clinical term for people who aren’t on the ace spectrum… to replace the term “allosexual” which is rooted in sexological authority ( and which tacitly reinforces it ). 

"Zedsexual" has the added bonus of:

*not* putting ace and non-ace in binary opposition to each other

depicting a distance between “asexuality” and “zedsexuality”

suggesting the possibility of a spectrum between “asexual” and “zedsexual” without implying a simple linear progression of degree ( i.e., recognising that the grey-A experiences aren’t “asexual-light” )

Anyone with me?  ( Reblog this, if you’d like to see “z-sexual / zedsexual” spread as a challenge to clinical authority in ace discourse )

Note: we can keep away from the US spelling / pronunciation ( “zeesexual” ) if anyone thinks it will cause confusion.

[wherehavalltheflowersgone]

I thought you would be intereseted in knowing the the National Museum of American Jewish History is launching “LGBT Stories: A Collecting Project,” a new website that focuses on Queer Jewish Americans.

Holy shit thank you that’s awesome

[wermspat-deactivated20150627]

I think what draws me to the word bihet is exactly what everyone else is so mad at it for. I feel conflicted on it now. On one hand: bihet to address straight passing privilege, for def that’s a thing. The term seems legitimate and valid for that. On another hand: biphobia, bi-erasure. That’s bad. I might have a lot of that internalized (feel the need to justify my attraction to women in light of my experiences with men, don’t feel “gay enough”). On a third, magical hand: I see the need for a term that describes bisexuals who spend more time in straight-oriented relationships? Something catchier than hetero-leaning bisexual? Or should we just stick with that? We can stick with that. I’m really not sure how I feel about any of this right now. This is an issue I sortof just fell into without really knowing both sides.

[bi-privilege]

why. why on earth would we need a word for bisexuals who “spend more time in straight-oriented relationships” unless we were actively looking for ways to continue to brand them as “straight plus”, marginalize them from lgbtqiap+ spaces, and prevent them from accessing support systems that they so desperately need. ffs. bihet is literally a word used to discredit bisexual women’s identities, it is not in any universe, used for any purpose, a good idea.

[falanx]

#not to mention the concept of straight passing privilege is utter garbage

[teacupnosaucer]

why do we need to specify between a bisexual woman who prefers men and a bisexual woman who prefers women or a bisexual woman who prefers gq/nonbinary people or a bisexual women who display no gender preference whatsoever and have the perfect sexual history ratio to ~prove it~. “bisexual” easily encompasses ALL OF THOSE LIFE STATES and patterns of attraction. as far as I can tell, there is no need (except to erase and deligitimize bisexual women?) for any more specificity than that. 

why are bisexual women (and let’s face it, it’s only women) being categorized this way? coercively? why do people feel the need to assign us identities beyond the one we have chosen, WHICH FUCKING FITS?

are bisexual women clamouring for a term to describe the fact that sometimes some of us date/fuck more men than any other gender? because i’ve yet to meet someone who says to me, “yeah I’m bisexual but I prefer dudes and just wish there was a term to brand me as queer-lite”

[bidyke]

Commentary.

[gradientlair]

Asexuality: Rethinking Romantic Orientation and Attraction Types As "Required" Identifiers

About a year ago I felt that the romantic orientation ”heteroromantic” for my sexual orientation “asexual" seemed like the most accurate descriptor for me. And sure, as a Black woman, anti-Blackness and misogynoir are going to impact any sexual label I ascribe to; it then becomes a matter of how violence impacts that label, depending on if that label is ultimately heterosexual, lesbian, queer, pansexual, bisexual or asexual etc. And of course the latter directly connects to how such labels are privileged or oppressed ones. (I previously alluded to this when I wrote Black Womanhood, Asexuality and Agency.)

One of the reasons I thought heteroromantic or even gray-A was appropriate was honestly not based on how I think and operate and feel now after many years of a lot of internal work and decolonization and unlearning shame as a knee jerk response to sexuality itself, but seemed appropriate because my few romantic relationships long ago were with cis men who are hetero (though one was like me, ace, but performing heterosexuality prior to challenging internal issues). But this doesn’t really mean that my romantic orientation was rigidly heteroromantic. I mean, it’s obviously false that existing relationship statuses rigidly define sexual orientation (this should be obvious to most people I would hope; i.e. a heterosexual woman or lesbian does not become “asexual” once she stops having sex/dating a partner; her sexual orientation itself is not about behavior), let alone define romantic orientation for asexuals who are not aromantic. Further, the aforementioned relationships in fact predate a lot of this personal internal work anyway. This internal work has meant moving beyond going through motions of performing heterosexuality—as taught and as indoctrinated via church as a kid (though I don’t identify as a theist now), via family, via general socialization throughout college etc.—despite most (thought not all) of the time feeling everything from discomfort to lack of total desire to be in those aforementioned relationships. 

I experience literally no sensual or sexual attraction to anyone anymore. What I thought was prevailing romantic attraction to cis men/masculine presenting persons is almost nonexistent a year later. While “aromantic” does not quite describe me and my aesthetic attractions are in fact panromantic, not solely heteroromantic, I am kinda tired of all of these boxes. Even the divisions of the types of attraction tire me. Romantic orientation and attraction types seem fluctuating for me. What hasn’t changed during the latter fluctuations? Sexual orientation. It’s been asexual. Still. Even when socialized to perform heterosexuality, even when I incorrectly claimed the latter label for most of my adulthood out of lack of information, shame, and/or fear, things that I no longer experience as my predominate feelings about sexuality or sexual politics.

Another thing that I find stressful is the conflation of romantic orientations with sexual orientation in a way that causes erasure of asexuality. For example, to keep people who are “asexual” from identifying as “queer” (I don’t use the latter label; honestly it’s safer for me from having to deal with White violence over their perceived ownership of queerness as well as dealing with even more hostile notions of “sex positivity”), many non-asexual people have taken it upon themselves to decide that heteroromantic and aromantic aces are “straight” and homoromantic/biromantic/panromantic aces are “queer.” In response to this particular hobby of erasure by non-asexual people, Laura of ace-muslim wrote the following in Why I No Longer Engage The “Are Aces Queer?” Question:

Whenever the question, ‘Are aces queer?’ comes up on Tumblr, it quickly gets narrowed to, ‘Are heteroromantic and aromantic aces queer?’ In most cases, homoromantic and bi/panromantic aces are accepted as queer because they have some degree of attraction to the same sex or gender. The first problem comes in when there’s an implicit assumption (and I believe there is in most cases) that ‘not queer’ = straight. To me, this is emphasized by treating heteroromantic* and aromantic aces as a unit (by the way, we’re not the same thing). The result of this is that I end up feeling that, ‘Are aces queer?’ is really asking, ‘Are aromantic aces straight?’

I also like that she mentioned this:

Homoromantic and bi/panromantic aces, do me a solid and the next time you’re asked this question, disrupt the framing. Don’t accept your fellow aces being imputed as straight by default. In fact, I believe that heteroromantic aces are not straight; they’re asexual. 

When people decide that I am somehow still “heterosexual” if I tell them I am asexual, then they’re engaging in erasure. This especially happens to me because I am a femme cis Black woman. See, the Jezebel controlling image requires compulsory heterosexuality in order to function. There is no room for queerness or asexuality in this dehumanizing controlling image because its juxtaposition is needed for the “purity” of (cishet) White womanhood. Further, this controlling image is ableist in that it presents Black women’s sexuality as compulsorily heterosexual, “out of control” and “pathological.” A patriarchal interpretation of femme presentation also means that anything that I do with my body is deemed “for the male gaze.” My own reasons are deemed irrelevant. This is especially the case since my own personal agency is denied as a Black woman since my humanity itself is already denied as a Black person.

For those who forcefully deem me heterosexual, it’s necessary to also suggest that my presentation, if femme, is solely to capture men’s attention for sexual purposes. This is another aspect of erasure in asexuality. Where honestly, my romantic orientation and attractions types are not even factored in when my sexual orientation itself is denied. And both White people (who want to deny the word “queer” from any queer Black people whatsoever, as well as asexuals across the board; some engage me as if I am actually the Jezebel controlling image) and Black people (hetero Black men who think I must be hetero and desire them or hetero and desire White men solely to spite Black men; queer Black men who want to mask their own male privilege and/or misogynoir by suggesting any cis Black woman, especially a femme one, must be heterosexual and thereby homophobic against those same queer Black men; Black women who try to engage me with “corrective” heterosexual content without my consent) actively engage me from an angle of erasure on asexuality. 

I fully understand that being cis, if I decide to be with a cis man, there is privilege assigned to that particular relationship, regardless of our actual sexual orientations. To be clear, I don’t want “extra” access to queer spaces that don’t want me there anyway; trust. I simply also don’t want to be called anything that I feel does not fit who I am. And in many ways, romantic orientation and attraction types don’t seem to nuance asexuality but are often used as tools to erase asexuality altogether. I totally accept that romantic orientation and attraction type delineation are very helpful for many asexual people. I simply don’t find them as helpful anymore. Anything someone wants to know about me in regards to sexuality and labeling, “asexual” is enough of a label for it.

Related Posts: I Never Feared Being Single. I Feared Terrible Romantic Relationships., Asexuality ≠ Being Single, Celibate Or A “Virgin”

[asexualadvice]

Is there a term for single person sexuality? As in only feeling sexual attraction towards one person but no one else? I've only ever felt sexual attraction once so I identify as grey ace, but I'm not sure if losing contact with this person would allow me to be sexually attracted to someone else and repeating the pattern (only attracted to one person, no one else) and I was wondering if there's a term for this or if grey ace fits well enough.

There’s no term for that, as far as I’m aware, but sometimes people say things like “person’s name-sexual” kind of as a joke/cute thing.

I’m in a similar situation, though, and experience sexual attraction towards only one person ever and I personally call that “asexuality with an exception.” Some people use grey-asexual, but (like you’ve said) I also don’t know if I’ll ever experience sexual attraction again or under any other circumstances, so grey-ace isn’t a term that I prefer. I could definitely see how it works, though! So if grey ace feels like it’s the term that fits best for you, go for it~

-Southie

[gothicprep]

defend sex repulsed asexuals and defend sex enthusiastic asexuals and defend asexuals who are somewhere in the middle

[swordmouse]

Fact: Halloween occurs during Asexual Awareness Week because it is the time of the year when the walls between worlds thin and asexuals become visible in the realm of the living.

[anagnori-deactivated20201123]

Plot Ideas for Stories with Asexual Characters

Plotbunnies for your asexy needs. Most of these can also be adapted for gray-ace, demisexual and/or aromantic characters. Feel free to add to this list when reblogging; I might add more of my own later.

Self-Discovery

A character realizes that they are asexual…

…After meeting another asexual person.

…After randomly encountering the word one day.

…After looking up information about sexuality.

…After a disappointing or unpleasant sexual experience.

An asexual character tries to reconcile their religious beliefs with their sexual orientation.

An asexual character struggles to reconcile their gender role as a man or woman with their natural inclinations as an asexual.

A character struggles to determine whether they’re asexual or just a repressed allosexual.

A character tries to figure out whether past trauma has had any effect on their current lack of interest in sex.

An asexual character realizes that they think about sex differently from everyone else.

An asexual character goes to therapy to deal with their “problem,” but eventually accepts that they are asexual instead.

An asexual character tries to find a label that accurately captures their feelings and relationship needs.

Primary Relationships

An asexual enters a romantic relationship and has to work out with their partner what kinds of intimate activities they’re comfortable with.

An asexual character and their partner explore non-sexual or non-romantic kinds of intimacy.

An asexual enters a loving queerplatonic relationship.

An asexual enters a loving polyamorous relationship.

An asexual character’s primary relationship gets questioned, doubted or misunderstood by other people.

An asexual character worries about being forever alone and unloved…

…But eventually finds a partner (romantic or not) who loves them as they are.

…But they cheer up with the support of their friends and family.

…But they learn to look at life in a new way and find new goals to aim for. 

The unresolved sexual tension or ambiguous romantic subplot between two characters is resolved when one of them turns out to be asexual or aromantic.

A relationship becomes strained or falls apart because the allosexual and asexual character can’t fulfill each other’s needs.

Social Relationships

A character comes out as asexual to their parents, friend, or romantic partner…

…Who takes it well.

…Who takes it badly.

…Who had already figured it out on their own.

…Who tries to be supportive but manages to say some hurtful things anyway.

In the process of coming out, an asexual character helps another character realize that they’re asexual-spectrum, too.

An asexual character is outed by someone else and has to deal with the fallout.

A character has a reputation as a big flirt or casanova, but is actually asexual and keeps quiet about this fact.

An asexual character gets into conflict with their family about dating, getting married, and/or having children.

An asexual or aromantic character somehow ends up as the relationship expert that all their friends ask for advice from.

An asexual character gets flirted with, or hit on…

…And doesn’t even notice, much to the flirter’s dismay.

…And feels uncomfortable about it.

…And tries to flirt back, but fails hilariously.

An asexual character is just being friendly but their words/actions get perceived as flirtatious by other people.

An asexual character really does just want to cuddle. Their friend, unfortunately, does not.

A character drops increasingly large hints about being asexual, waiting to see who figures it out first.

An asexual character confuses the hell out of everyone else’s gaydar…

…And they start a betting pool.

…But they’re too polite to just ask the asexual character, so they waffle about in confusion until the character straight-out tells them.

…And they start dropping hints about being supportive of LGBT+ people, which the asexual character either doesn’t notice or just finds amusing.

The other characters try to be matchmakers and set the asexual character up on a date, which may fail hilariously or traumatically.

An asexual character manages to completely ruin the romantic/sexual mood for somebody else, either accidentally or not.

An asexual character deals with anti-asexual prejudice.

A character is threatened or sexually harassed because of their asexuality.

Two characters each discover the other is ace, and they bond over it, possibly confusing everyone else in the process.

The asexual character bonds with another queer character over their shared experiences and problems.

The asexual character reacts to porn in a way that baffles, shocks, amuses or disturbs the other characters.

Other characters attempt and fail to find an asexual character’s porn collection.

Another character is relieved to realize that an asexual character is not sexually attracted to them.

Another character sees the asexual as a romantic/sexual rival, and passive-aggressively begins a campaign of trying to one-up them. The asexual character either doesn’t care, or fails to notice it altogether. Bonus points if the asexual character “wins” without knowing there was a competition in the first place.

An asexual character becomes an activist for asexual visibility.

After a character comes out as asexual, other characters freak out because they think asexuality is a gang, cult, or unhealthy youth fad.

Miscellaneous

A character tries to acquire a black ace ring without attracting attention or awkward questions about it.

A character loses their black ace ring and tries to find it. Other characters don’t understand the ring’s significance.

After one joke about budding too many, asexual people divide into millions of smaller asexuals and take over the world.

A drug, magic spell or other plot device renders everybody but the asexual character too paralyzed by love/lust to do anything. The asexual character must save the day.

A villain’s attempt at seduction fails miserably when the hero turns out to be asexual.

[emiskullduggery]

You are never too young to state what orientation you identify with. If it changes, thats okay too; it can change just as much for an older person because life isn’t a static thing and humans are no exception.

[ace-muslim]

Asexual Awareness Week Linkspam: Day 4

Each day of Asexual Awareness Week, I am tweeting links about asexuality. These posts provide an archive of the links. Feel free to share any that you find useful.

It’s the Choice, Not the Sex, That Matters: Asexuals on Sex-Positivity I Am Not Your Sex Cheerleader Sex-positive sexual education and the asexual spectrum When the answer is always no: Sex aversion and my sex-negative feminism My “no” is not a passive “yes”: Patriarchy and the conflation of non-autonomous sexuality with non-sexuality Asexual assailability, gender and sexual agency Asexuality and the feminist politics of ‘not doing it’ (pdf) On the Racialization of Asexuality On Exclusivity of Asexuality [asexuality and race] Asexuality and Race Resources What’s R(ace) Got To Do With It?: White Privilege & (A)sexuality The Colonized Asexual – a response to racial trauma Black Womanhood, Asexuality and Agency On being Black and Asexual in a White Society Asexuality in disability narratives (pdf)

[epochryphal]

Grey/-A Posts by me, a consolidation

Finally weeding through my #grey bloggin tag, and here’s what matters:

Greyness 301: summary of the 2014 SF Ace Unconference’s grey/demi/semi caucus. If you read anything please read this one.

Grey(-A) Defs and Meanderings: about how we define grey, and visibility work

the diversity of greyness: what it is and what it isn’t (and what gets said about it)

Grey(A)ness Subsets: an exercise in expanding more types of greyness

on “cannot tell the difference between types of attraction” and how that’s missing the point

on neurodivergence, and grey/aceness being linked, and how it’s more complicated than “erasure of aceness”

recent grey(a)-related words: a compilation of words and definitions from mogai-archive, with a smidge of analysis

quoiromantic clarification: my response to interpretations of my quoi- words, and what i meant. some quotes:

but when i coined it, it was not about “the difference between” attractions OR about being a catchall.  it was about “romantic attraction” and “romantic orientation” not making sense — borrowing from my quoigender definition, being “inaccessible, inapplicable, non-sensical, &c”

also, please don’t exclude quoisexual by focusing on quoiromantic.  quoisexual is the one most important to me personally, because my brand of greyness is “wtf even is sexual attraction am i experiencing it RIGHT NOW uhhhhhhh oh my god this doesn’t make sense.”

on the “-a” or “-ace”: feelings about linearity, orthography, hyphens and parentheses

[piratesrights]

Romantic Orientation and Asexuality

[piratesrights]

a comic by Irene (wintersbwidow)

EDIT (10-oct-2014): it was brought to my attention that some parts of the comic were arophobic. I apologize. I’ve removed those parts and again, i’m sorry. Please reblog this version.

It’s important to note that some people only experience sexual attraction and are aromantic, and there are also people who are both asexual and aromantic.

[nyctosaurid]

stop supporting asexuals by throwing aromantics under the bus 2k14

[androgynend]

Hello folks!

With the start of Asexual Awareness Week, it’s time to announce the 2015 North American Asexuality Conference!

Following the incredible success of this past summers International Asexuality Conference, we at Asexual Outreach have initiated planning for a second conference at the start of next year’s Toronto Pride, June 20th and 21st.

The conference will cover two days of education, discussion, networking, and community building, with Day 1 laid out in typical conference fashion with different sessions available for asexual activists, community members, service providers, and interested members of the public, and Day 2 being more of an “un-conference” where asexual community members can gather and talk at length about our community and the asexual movement.

The 2015 North American Asexuality Conference will be free of charge, food will be provided, the venue will be wheelchair accessible and have gender-neutral washrooms, and ASL interpretation will be provided.

For more information and pre-registration, check out our website: http://asexualoutreach.org/

(Asexual Outreach is a new Toronto-based non-profit organisation. We are not affiliated with AVEN or AAW but are planning the conference with input from the local asexual community).