Ive never been a girl to have many friends. I learned at a very young age that people and life were cruel. I was always teased and mocked as a child because my mother had a disability and so I learned pretty fast how to hold a straight face and to never let anyone know how i felt when i was being taunted.ย The more my life progresses, the more that i see that life prepares you, even at a young age for all the things you will need later on in life.ย
There have been many times in my life where I have felt like I was alone. Like there was no one to listen to me, to just be there when I was down. I first noticed the feeling when I was 3 months pregnant with my daughter. And my boyfriend/father of my child left me to go back to the States. I dropped him off at the airport and then got home to my room and saw all the empty closets and it was like a wave hit me. I was alone. Not only was I alone, I was alone and now I had this massive responsibility of raising a child alone. People usually have a brother or sister or friend they can go too. But I had traveled to much to ever really have friends, and I was an only child. I was truly and utterly alone.ย
I did what i could to survive but over the years, I taught myself to embrace the feeling of being alone. I donโt trust people. Too many times in my life I have been screwed over, talked badly of, or treated wrongly. Life taught me that to be strong I had to learn to be strong on my own. I never had someone to take care of me when I was down. I knew that I had to be my own person to pick myself up again. Over time I have learned to get through those feelings, and learned the things I needed to tell myself to pick myself back up again and keep going.ย I had two kids, so being alone when I could didnโt seem that bad anymore. Being alone with myself, no matter if I was feeling good or bad, became something that I enjoyed and looked for. I wanted to be alone, because there no one could hurt me. The only person I had to worry about was myself.ย
Itโs been awhile since Iโve felt that feeling of truly being alone where it cuts so deep into my soul it hurts. This morning I felt that feeling. This journey that I am on, the sacrifices itโs asking of me...itโs a very lonely journey. I know that it will be worth it when I get to where I am going...but the price that it is asking of me, is one that I thought would be easier to give up, considering all the loneliness I have already been through. They donโt call it the path less traveled for nothing. Somehow I feel like this new loneliness life is asking of me will be the hardest that I face. I donโt know what I am writing all this, maybe itโs to remind myself, those moments where I have truly felt alone, didnโt feel like there was a purpose. It just hurt, and there was nothing to do about it. I had no vision, no goal....I didnโt know that it was life, helping me be the person I needed to be.
This time Iโm wiser, this time I know. The all of this is for a reason. And though it will hurt for a time. And though the loneliness will cut so deep. This time as the hurt comes, Iโll learn to embrace it faster, knowing that the darkest hours is just before dawn. And that the greater I sacrifice, the greater I will be rewarded.
