February the Fifth, 2018 at 8:36
Well, I guess I can say I feel shitty.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZfj-Lhnrb4
This is going to be a lot of random stuff, but writing makes me feel better. I hope this online diary helps someone someday.
There was a guy I met, over two years ago, at a camp. The camp was great and you got to spend the entire time basically interacting and doing things that were very inspiring. We saw beautiful sights, and heard beautiful things. I cared deeply for him, and I thought he was the same for me. I had done a bad thing during an anxiety attack while I was there, and it had leaked onto the white cuff of my dress. He noticed it when I didn't and tried to get me to talk. I didn't. We shared our experiences, finding commonalities in various things. It was just a Dream come true. Finally, someone who cared.
We had lots in common, we could talk about things most people don't talk or care about. We wanted things in life. We were both misfits in our school- not because we wanted to be, but because the way we think differentiated from our peers by a lot. We were no snowflakes, but we were definitely rain dripping on wet paint.
Things come to an end though, and I think that started when I developed something of a crush on him. We didn't see each other often but kept in touch every day. I began to fall deeply in Love with him. I remember the days I would help him though his problems, and he would help me through mine. He was kind about me liking him.
But then, he stopped talking to me. Said he was stressed. I cried, for days on end. It was so painful, someone I really depended on, someone I had such a strong connection to, just leaving like that. Without even seeming to care. We didn't talk for three months. Everyday I tried to move on, but it was hard and I never fully did.
He came back with happiness and a new girlfriend, who I must say is very beautiful. He no longer cared for me, nor did he speak of his own emotions. The only thing we would talk about is some memes he found funny, his girlfriend, and Rainbow Six Siege. That's it.
He didn't care about anything else. He didn't know how I felt about him, and he never will, because when I told him I was upset that for the past seven months we haven't spoken nearly like we used to, about significant things, our dreams, our ambitions, he ignored me. I never had intentions to tell him anyway, because though those feelings still linger, I don't think they can ever be repaired into the passionate care as they used to. Now they are broken and hurt.
He ignored me once more when I reached out the following day, and refused to text me after. He never cares to listen to me now, and interrupts me when I have something important to say. I can't like the things I like without being made fun of. He makes fun of me for enjoying Homestuck despite never even reading it. I can't tell him about books, movies, or shows without him calling it "gay". It's a dumb uncreative term that is far from whatever horrible definition he's given it. He doesn't follow up on anything and it hurts me because he was once such a kind, warm-hearted person, turned cold by the demons in his life. And as much as it pains me to say, I think I might just have to leave him be. He doesn't care about me, so I am not going to hurt myself by trying to convince my mind that he may one day actually treat me like a friend, rather than a shadow. I just remember the day he hugged me before going back home. How tight and meaningful it was because we wouldn't see each other for a long time afterwards. I haven't seen him since. It's been over a year.
Or the day at camp when he, I, and many others stood in front of a river, lit an indigo by the setting sun. Trees in the distance, and candles in the water. We stood on a ledge that looked over everything. And he hugged me. A real hug.
Now would he hug me? I think not. And dear, it hurts. It hurts so much, and I don't know why seem like the only one who feels so deeply about these kind of things.
He helped me through so much. I stayed on the phone with him at three in the morning when his sister was going down the highway on acid. He had me on call during a prolonged panic-attack on both of our ends because his safety was very much at risk. She didn't know I was on the call. I was just there so that he felt more comfortable. I let him know that I loved him. A lot. He was my best friend. He was there during my nights when I would cry because of my past. He helped me end a toxic relationship, and he helped me through a lot. I was there when he was bullied, and he was there when I felt like the world meant nothing. Yet, in his eyes now, all of that was nothing but an asinine and frivolous waste of time.
I'll be lying if I said I thought he'd miss me. Because I know he won't. I cry a lot now, because I really miss my best friend. Sure, there are others who are kind to me. And I love them for that. One of them is even someone from a different country. She's amazing, and I appreciate her so freaking much, I can't even begin to explain. She gives me a lot of hope about people, honestly.
And there is another problem. I can't find anyone anymore. I fall more on the asexual scale, but he seemed to slide right past that. He was someone I felt very strongly about. Now, I can't really move on. I had one shallow crush, where I thought this one gentleman was very kind. (I use the term "man" loosely being he is in High School with me). He was handsome and charming, and a lot of nice things. Well, my luck he had a girlfriend. I realized how silly the whole thing was and I realized I didn't like him that much. What I felt for him came NOTHING close to how I felt for this other guy. I had never felt that way before. I know we weren't Soul Mates, or whatever you want to call it if you believe in that kind of thing, but I just wish I could move on and maybe get along with my life. It's hard though, because I don't think I even like the idea of dating anymore, or liking anyone for that matter. I don't put myself out there, and I don't want to. I don’t really feel things for people anymore, and I think I might be content with that now.
The song above helped cure today's panic attack that came with texting him.I don’t know why but I felt like I was suffocating. Cavetown’s video about advice really helped me out, if you don’t know about him, please check him out and support him on bandcamp. (https://cavetown.bandcamp.com/)
If you are like me, then you will like his songs. I really like music like this, especially by him, because I feel like he sees the world in colors, as opposed to black and white. I wish I could say my thoughts in person or on the phone, but he doesn't pay enough attention. Too often, I selfishly wonder if there is anyone else who gets inspired by the world like I do. Someone who has a faith, and who enjoy a calm adventure. Who is curious about the weirdest things, and who doesn't make fun of people for their differences. Anyone else going through things like this?
