
Andulka
AnasAbdin

Kiana Khansmith

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almost home

titsay
šŖ¼
dirt enthusiast

Love Begins

ē„ę„ / Permanent Vacation
wallacepolsom

oozey mess
we're not kids anymore.
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TVSTRANGERTHINGS
styofa doing anything
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
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cherry valley forever
YOU ARE THE REASON
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@thebrooklynsavage
Exercise 003 - W@HL - Waraire
January 4. 10:33pm
Iāve been sitting in this bed, pencil in hand for almost 45mins and the only thing I can think of is how journals should come with some kind of warning about how intimidating a blank page can be. My therapist and the internet thought this would be a good idea, and everyone said to not think about it too much, but thatās literally all I know how to do.Ā
My mom died so I came to the hotel to stay with Uncle Penny, because the rest of my family doesnāt trust me being so far away at school by myself. See, thatās what Iām talking about. My family has a hotel that my Uncle runs, but if I hadnāt explained that just now and someone found this journal sometime in the future, theyād think some weird shit was going on. How much of the thoughts in my head do I explain, or do I just talk to myself, knowing the full context of everything Iām talking about?
This is so stressful.Ā
Anyway, I can take all of my classes online so I came to spend time with my favorite Uncle and my momās closest brother. I hadnāt stayed here in so long Iād forgotten how nice the hotel is. I mean, I shouldnāt be surprised, my family is a dynasty of saditty, southern assholes, so Uncle Penny didnāt have to dig too deep in his sissy bag to make white people want to spend their money here.Ā
Itās been two weeks since her service which means Iāve been here 10 days and we actually havenāt talked about it once. Iām not entirely sure whoās avoiding it more, but Iām glad for the illusion of normalcy for now. My mom was so big. She was everywhere and now, most days feel like trying to breathe in rooms with no air. Uncle Penny, is cool with me letting a part of myself suffocate, for now. I imagine because heās probably feeling the same way, but who knows.Ā
Iāll stay here for a while, maybe finish out the semester and see what bullshit the summer brings. If nothing else, I have the shenanigans of the guests to look forward to, maybe Iāll fill these pages with those stories instead.Ā
Exercise 002 - Too Early, Too Late
Words Iāve Written for Artists I Love
*Voicemail Beeps*
I took some flowers by for you today. It was nice out this morning, but by the time I finally got down there the rain was on the way, so I might have to visit again tomorrow to make sure theyāre still there.
It looks like Carl and Steph stopped by too, since the last time I was there. I didnāt even have to tell them this time. I know theyāve got the kids and, theyāre always so busy, so busy, but sometimes it feels like they wantĀ to forget, you know? Which, I understand. I know it canāt be easy for them, I knew you longer, but you were theirs. Thatās harder. But I donāt know, just when I was afraid they were letting you go, they showed up on their own.Ā
Maybe time is turning this into a different pain. One thatās not killing them to carry.Ā
Anyway, I got back in the car and shuffled on some music for the drive back and guess what came on? Only you babe, can put out this fire burning in my soul, only you. 30 years later and I still hate that fucking song. Thanks. A year straight, every time weād get ready to go out, you had to play that song. Itās not even that great of a song! Every time?!?!
Those were good nights werenāt they?
Sneaking liquor into the club so we could split the cab fare back from the city. God, that ride used to kill me. Or worse, waking up to realize the guy weād gone home with wasnāt as cute before noon as he was after nine. But hey, the train ride back was cheaper and we got breakfast! Remember when those were wins?Ā
I did an interview the other day and the guy, this kid about our age when we met, he asked me what it was like being a part of all the stuff we were back then and did we know how big it would be rah rah rah. I told him we were more worried about chasing guys than anything else. Work and all the other shit just, happened I guess. I didnāt want to make light of it, itās amazing looking back on it now, but I just donāt think we were thinking about it like that at the time. I know we werenāt.Ā
Especially at the beginning, we had so much fun that summer, turning New York into our own private haunted house. Ghosts of guys who wanted more but never were. Dead ends cursed to wander lower Manhattan, wonderingĀ āwhat ifā until who knows, while we ran into new lives, never looking back again.Ā
We werenāt good. I think thatās something I can say now.Ā
Much too late.Ā
Then life move on, and very well, and for that Iām thankful. But here I am, alone in this house, sending voicemails into the ether because I lost the only other leg I had to lean on. What a fucking ride. At least Iām not dead like you, though. You always left too early, I always stayed too late.Ā
Anyway, my show is about to come on and my foodās almost here. Iāll call you tomorrow.Ā
Exercise 001
What are you feeling right now?
uh, like, right now?
Right now.Ā
I donāt know. Just kinda blah. Bored. Here because I know I need to be, but donāt really have anything to say.
Ok. Why do you feel you need to be here?
Because I want to be better. I want to be great. I want people to know Iām great and be able to experience that and share that and be inspired by that and be moved by that.Ā
Thatās a tall order. Admirable, but a lot to ask.Ā
I donāt think itās too much.Ā
No, I didnāt say it was too much, just a lot.Ā
Why do you think itās a lot?Ā
Who are you? Why do you think people should have this relationship with you? What about you makes it worth it to people who arenāt you or who donāt have a vested interest in you?
Well if itās going to be somebody, somebodies, why not me? Why do we have this relationship with any writer, singer, painter, chef, literally any artist? Because they decided to do. The decided to do and to share and those who did it well, there stories were able to land and burrow deep into people and grow into new thoughts, new feelings. Ultimately, new behaviors.Ā
So you want to change how people act.
Sure. But thatās really broad. Iām not trying to brainwash people with propaganda. Iām trying to provide them with situations theyāve never experienced, perspectives theyāve never seen, or wouldnāt otherwise have access to. Where they go and what they do from there is up to them. I wan them to have to make some decisions. If I give you all of the information, the decision that you make tells me everything I need to know about you.
And what do you do with that information?
Me, personally? I donātĀ need to know it. This is for other people to dine out on, to challenge the people in their lives with, in some cases, to make things easier for people in situations now that Iāve already been in.Ā
Ok, talk about that some more.Ā
Hm. Oh! Ok, my parents canāt retroactively make me feel more secure about myself as a queer kid, growing up in the religious south. Iām 32, that ship has sailed. But some queer kidās parent in the religious south could see this story and think,Ā āI can do better than that. I can be better than that.ā And then go out and do it.Ā
So textbook representation. Are there any things youāre working on as exploratory or experimental as opposed to being directional or prescriptive?
Well, yeah, lol. My life. I work through my own shit through the characters I write. Reliving experiences to try and see someone elseās point-of-view, to be better to them in written record than I was able to in real life?
Does that serve anyone besides yourself?
If theyāre not in my life anymore and, through whatever means, that chapter is closed, am I worried about whatās serving them?
TouchƩ. So this is all therapy?
How fucking meta is that?
Lol, so are there any stories youāre telling that arenāt facets of your own life?
Not yet, but I think even the fantasy will be my life too.Ā
Moonlight (Barry Jenkins, 2016)
Tips for Keeping Your Plants Alive & Healthy
Start off with plants that are living. This seems like a no-brainer, but humor me
If thereās no way you can get living plants, then read @hgk477ās guide for How to Bring Someone Back From the Dead and do #45 twice
Place your plant in the brightest spot in your house, but not in direct sunlight. Iāll explain why later.Ā
Go to the plant store and get new potting soil specific for your plant.
On your way back, grab a 24-pack of bottled water and ingredients to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
Once youāre home turn on your favorite album, plants love music.Ā
If you canāt think of anything your plant might like, play Mort Garsonās Mother Earthās Plantasia or Stevie Wonderās The Secret Life of Plants.
Turn your phone off. Itās going to ring and you donāt want to talk to who calls.Ā
At this point youāll be exhausted and wonāt know why. Go ahead and take a nap.
When you wake up you will have slept much longer than expected and it will be the next day. Donāt beat yourself up.Ā
Take two bottles of water out and go to the room where your plant is.Ā
Drink one of the bottles of water yourself and sit directly in the sunlight while you repot your plant.
I know you turned your phone on even though I didnāt say do that. Thatās okay.Ā
Theyāve either called or text you by now and thatās where this gets tricky.
Getting this plant into a new pot is going to be difficult but you must stay focused.Ā
Do not, under any circumstances, respond to their calls or texts.
If the urge to reply is too strong, instead of texting, say everything you want to send out loud to your plant.
Give the plant a name that is simple and not tied to anyone you know.Ā
Keep talking to your plant, they love hearing your voice.Ā
Donāt worry if you start to cry, thatās normal.Ā
Make sure your tears land in the new soil. This is more for you than the plant but do it anyway.Ā
Take a breath to let the soil settle.Ā
Remember those peanut butter and jelly supplies you got? Make one sandwich because youāve probably forgotten to eat or not had an appetite.Ā
You may still be sad, but your body will thank you for having eaten.
Make another if you feel so inclined.Ā
Go back to your plant and water it from the other bottle you took out this morning.Ā
Make sure your plant is still in the brightest room of the house, but not in direct sunlight.Ā
That spot is yours.Ā
Repeat these steps everyday and keep a close eye on the plantās growth and your feelings.Ā
By now you have a healthy habit of getting out of bed, getting some sunlight and food, talking and light physical activity.
The grays and you might not even know it or why, but these are all the things youāll need to do to get through them.Ā
Keep a close eye on the plantās growth and your feelings.Ā
When youāre able to water and check your plant without crying or fumbling your words THEN you can reply to their texts.
Say to them what youāve been practicing and be clear about your boundaries.Ā
Take a picture of your plant.
Post it to instagram.Ā
If you are a researcher or adventurer and want to share a guide, join theĀ subreddit!Ā
1. your suffering canāt end until you stop identifying with it. if your sense of self is tied up in your suffering, anyone or anything that attempts to separate you from it will become the enemy because, whether consciously or subconsciously, you will on some level believe they are trying to take away a part of who you are.
2. read the above again.
black men + scenery š
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Iām cryinnnšš100% accurate ššš
This is so cute cause it really be like that šš