The Coded Poet

Her heart is as a rose turned inside out, appearing strong and beautiful, yet only imitating stout.

[thecodedpoet]

Hate-cide is death by hate. When a person is killed, the emotion behind it is usually hate. Even suicides... Think about it. Depression is just hate that is unable to be directed outwardly. Anger is hate directed openly, whether at one target or all. A person with anger issues has no problem expressing themselves freely, and therefore is unafraid to lash out, even to the extreme of death, on behalf of their hatred. A person with depression bears a weight that presses on their ability to express outwardly and freely. Their hatred is more loosely targeted at either all, or no one but themselves, thus fulfilin fulfiling the common act of hatred. The killing of oneself.

[thecodedpoet]

How come when you get a certain age everyone starts asking you "what are you doing?"

Like, I'm trying to stay alive like the rest of us.

[thecodedpoet]

Twas a nightmare disguised as a miracle...

I know I only have like 15 followers, but still I'm sorry for leaving you all hanging like that.

I was halfway through the year when I left reality to chase some shooting star of hope which barreled through the night sky. It glimmered and sparked like a crystal in the snow, and like the fool I am, I chased it as far as I could go. But it barreled ahead like an asteroid, crashing once again until all hope was destroyed. And here I am again as I was before, to hope for death or to hope nevermore.

So much for starting the year if in a good note, but it turns out that's all she wrote.

[thecodedpoet]

One of those fucking nights again...

Seriously? I thought we were through! But you keep showing up like you think you have a place here with me.

Wait... you don’t have any other place to go?

Oh Depression, you should just let me go.

[thecodedpoet]

“Nobody’s coming to save you.”

It’s what he told her. He’d had enough of trying to handle her demons. It was time for her to figure it out alone, he had said to her. If it has to take her to the edge of death in order to show what life truly is, so be it.

”If you’re not comfortable in you own mind, how can you become happy with someone else?” he’d asked all the hard questions that day, the day they broke up. 

“You have to do this alone. Let go of everyone else. You can’t depend on someone else, because people leave. Find comfort in your own soul, because you could never leave yourself alone. Realize what you are, what you’re worth, and what you really want from life. Once you know yourself, you can learn to be known. You’ll start to feel okay. I know it’ll take a long time, and there will be moments when you feel it would be better if you killed yourself, but please, just keep trying. If you have no hope at all, just remember this, you are not obligated to feel happy. But that doesn’t mean you cannot learn how.”

I’m talking to you, dear one. 

Be well. Someday someone will love and understand you, but for now, do it on your own.

[thecodedpoet]

Not enough moons...

There are not enough moons to show what an ass the planet has become.

[thecodedpoet]

Feel like givin’ up...

I wish I knew an unbiased wise person who could be a listening ear and counselor; a friend to me. Someone who wants good for me and those whom will cross my path. Right now I feel like giving up.. I feel like what’s the point in trying to be good to people when they always let you down. And then there’s no one there to lift you back up. Because no one sees, nor cares to see. Everyone has their own problems and no time to help each other. That’s what makes it such a cruel place.

[thecodedpoet]

“If you miss someone, tell them.”

If only it were that simple...

If I message her now for instance, she’ll either do one of two things: 1. She’ll respond right away with a very detached and formal response. 2. She’ll wait weeks before she even looks at it and then act like she’s been so busy without really acknowledging what i say.

Sure, maybe she is busy. Perhaps she does still care like she claims to. Let’s suppose I am still her best friend. Either way, there’s nothing worse than hurting over someone who’d never shed a tear for you. There’s not a more lonely feeling than saying “I miss you...” and then being ignored. There is not a sadder feeling for a lonely soul than the feeling of having been replaced.

What happened to those times we cried together? The 1, 2, and 3 AM conversations that we would never have had with anyone else? The stories we shared and the plans we made? 

The bond that was once a dream come true, has become no more than a forgotten imagination.

I want to ask you to come back. I want to tell you how much I’ve missed you. I want to ask how have you been. I want to be close again. but what’s the point if I’m the only one who wants it...

[thecodedpoet]

An Old Friend

I wish I had an old friend I could talk to. Someone who was there before my thinking patterns became so depressive. Someone who could take the blade from my wrists. Someone to remind me of what I was before my eyes were cast into the shadows.

I guess the truth is that people don’t stick around that long...

[thecodedpoet]

i fear the very thing i desire...

To live no more.

[thecodedpoet]

Sad Days Journal - Entry 14: Tell Me...

Tell me I’ll be okay... please...

Tell me there is hope that the pain will ease.

Show me that this is true....

But the sad part is that I won’t believe you.

For this, I hate myself.

I cause myself more pain than anyone else.

I asked for help, once before.

He told me just what i asked to lift the weights I bore,

but it only lasted nevermore.

He lied...but isn’t that’s what friends are for?

[thecodedpoet]

It’s life, my dear.

“What is this?” a voice said through streams of tears.

“It’s life, my dear.”

[thecodedpoet]

If you fuck up, you lose...

and we all fuck up... that’s why we lose so much.

[thecodedpoet]

efforts mean nothing...

when you’ve pushed and tried with all your might, only to lose it all in the end.

[thecodedpoet]

Depression Journal - Entry 13: I’m Tired...

I’m tired....

I’m tired of longing for things that come so easily for some. I’m tired of searching for things that are absent from none.

I’m tired of sleeping on a pillow filled with tears, Just because I’m too much a coward to face my fears.

I’m tired of believing only for a season, Then losing all hope for a simple reason:

Hope is like a star, Oh so distant, oh so far.

Come back to me, Help me to see.

I search, and search with all my might, Never to see a single flicker in the night.

How much from me has my heart required? When I've given everything, All that is left of me is tired.

I’m tired...so very tired.

[thecodedpoet]

Ever reflect on the day and think...

Today was beautiful. A little too beautiful...

What’s about to happen? o_o *anxiety*

[thecodedpoet]

Strangers...

How strange it is to watch Someone whom you were once so close to become  no more than a stranger again...