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Fan Mail from the Front

Classmates asked me where I get my news. I reply that the most accurate and reliable news source is the duffelblog. They open it on their smart phones and go wide eye when they read an article on a cyborg Army Sergeant.

I just wink at them lol

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BREAKING: YOUR CHRISTMAS LEAVE IS CANCELLED!

YOUR LEAVE ADDRESS — Sources confirmed on this joyous and wonderful Christmas morning that your much-earned leave block far, far away from the flag pole to spend time with your family has just been cancelled.

“It would behoove you to stop opening goddamn presents and get your ass back to base,” said your company first sergeant, momentarily pausing from distributing coal and charge sheets at a nearby barracks. “Besides, troops on deployment aren’t home this Christmas, so neither should you.”

US ‘Deeply Concerned’ After Chinese Jets Sink Navy Aircraft Carrier

THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel said on Sunday he was “deeply concerned” after Chinese fighter jets sunk a U.S. Navy carrier in international waters earlier this week.

The USS George Washington (CVN-73), a Nimitz class nuclear powered aircraft carrier, began sending warning signals on Thursday after two Chinese Su-27 fighters began a series of screaming low altitude passes mere feet above the flight deck, sending sailors and airmen diving for cover.

The jets pulled numerous, highly dangerous maneuvers around the ship for approximately 20 minutes, before sending a volley of six Kh-31A anti-ship missiles into the carrier superstructure. Hagel said the death toll from the sinking stands at approximately 5,247 sailors dead, with 143 still unaccounted for.

“This is a real tragedy, that, we hope does not damage our relations with the Chinese,” Hagel said.

North Korea Executes Dennis Rodman

PYONGYANG — The government of North Korea announced today it had executed former NBA basketball star Dennis Rodman.

In an unusually strongly-worded release by North Korean standards, the reclusive state accused Rodman of being “despicable human scum” and “worse than a dog,” which is notable since dogs are generally treated better than people in North Korea.

The downfall for the flamboyant Rodman was stunning, given his friendship with Kim Jong Un, the chubby, pre-pubescent leader of North Korea. Rodman was accused of “hideous crimes such as attempting to overthrow the state by all sorts of intrigues and despicable methods with a wild ambition to grab the supreme power of our party and our state.”

SPONSORED: The Islamic State, A Global Force For God

In the name of God, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful, have you considered a break from the mundane drudgery of your easy life? Have you looked to the sky recently and thought: “Wasn’t I meant for something greater on this earth?” Has the cancerous degeneracy of Western Civilization got you down? Your parents taught you to be strong. We’ll make you Sunni Strong.

Russia Claims Ukrainian Border Inexplicably Jumped Over Its Paratroopers

MOSCOW – In a surprising concession, the Kremlin announced Thursday that soldiers captured in Ukraine earlier this week were indeed from the elite First Airborne Division of the Russian Air-Landing Forces (VDV), but it was due to the Ukrainian border inexplicably jumping over them “out of nowhere,” sources confirmed.

“This is all very simple misunderstanding comrades,” Defense Minister Pyotr Rurikid assured reporters at a televised press conference. “Ukraine is very unstable country, no? Event at Chernobyl was fault of lazy Ukrainian serfs at helm of complicated machinery. Ever since border between Russia and Ukraine been fluid. Question?”

Russian President Vladimir Putin claimed the troopers were acting in a peacekeeping role with direct orders to remain on their side of the border, and that the Ukrainian border intentionally sneaked in behind them.

Navy Sends Rescued Fishermen $37 Million Bill

NORFOLK, Va. — When the Navy helicopter approached Bob and Doug McKenzie’s lifeboat, they felt only gratitude at their impending rescue, after the brothers’ fishing boat caught fire and they were forced to abandon ship. Now just hours later, they feel only anger after the Navy delivered a $37 million bill for the rescue.

According to Navy Spokesman Cdr. Frank Hardy, the USS Theodore Roosevelt disrupted a training exercise, a luau, and karaoke night in the Chief’s mess to rescue the fisherman, so the bill is “more than reasonable.”

Soldier Discharged For ‘Having His Goddamned Hands in His Pockets’, Says CSM

FT LEONARD WOOD, MO - A soldier with the 318th Military Police Company is being processed out of the Army after being found by his Sergeant Major as having “his goddamn hands in his pockets,” according to his discharge paperwork.

According to his unit, Sergeant Thomas Burnette is pending separation for failing to maintain the Army’s standards. His separation comes at a time when the Army is cracking down on maintaining a “soldierly” appearance.

The guidelines of soldierly appearance are not entirely clear, but in a memo penned by Command Sergeant Major of the Army Raymond Chandler, the top enlisted leader pushed for non-commissioned officers Army-wide to crack down on “soldiers looking like bags of smashed assholes.”

Hugo Boss Awarded Contract For Joint Service Uniform Design

WASHINGTON — The Pentagon has awarded a $3.3 billion contract to German fashion designer Hugo Boss AG for a new Joint Service Uniform to be worn across all military service branches, Duffel Blog has learned.

Featuring a high button collar, knee-high spit-shine-able leather dress boots, and a rounded service-type garrison cap with plastic visor, the JSU concept evokes the crisp lines and sharp appearance of the uniforms Hugo Boss created for the German military from the early 1930′s through the mid-1940′s.

Army NCOs Told To ‘Check Their Privilege'

FORT MCCOY, Wis. — Newly minted non-commissioned officers in the Army are now being told to “check their privilege” as part of a radical new form of training that would re-examine issues such as giving lawful orders, leadership skills and showing real competency in Army traditions and knowledge, Duffel Blog has learned.

“We’re taking a drastic step to ensure that no one in the NCO corps would ever dream of feeling privileged to serve in it,” Command Sgt. Maj. Garry L. Cole said, during the policy announcement last week.

The new philosophy of teaching the sometimes-grueling two-week Warrior Leadership Course (WLC) has seen both celebration and sharp criticism, according to Cole, who leads the program at Fort McCoy.

The change to the course stem from Specialist Clarissa Estes, who had effectively lobbied for the Army to address what she called “rank privilege,” as well as assignment of details and how to maintain the self-esteem of junior enlisted soldiers.

Atheist Group Sues To Remove All Crosses From U.S. Overseas Military Cemeteries

NORMANDY, France – Everyone remembers the iconic opening scene in the movie Saving Private Ryan, where Matt Damon’s character walks through rows and rows of crosses at the Normandy American Cemetery looking for the grave of his former comrade-in-arms.

Now a group of atheists is suing to have all those crosses, part of the 125,000 maintained around the world by the American Battle Monuments Commission, removed on the grounds that they constitute a government endorsement of religion and violate the First Amendment.

Bill Weinberger, founder of the Military Foundation for Religious Freedom (MFRF), has filed the suit in a U.S. federal court. Weinberger explained his amazement that the U.S. government was paying to maintain what he called “overtly Christian religious symbols” in the 21st century.

Pacific Fleet Claims Garbage Island As US Territory

THE PACIFIC OCEAN – Steaming through an estimated 700,000 square kilometers of filth, United States Navy warships laid territorial claim today to the Great Pacific Garbage Patch – a big strategic win for the Red, White, and Blue, according to U.S. government officials.

Emphasizing America’s profound cultural ties with garbage and refuse of all kinds, a Navy spokesperson aboard the destroyer USS Milius trumpeted the acquisition as an “emotional homecoming” for the billion-some plastic water bottle caps, knotted trash bags, and used tampon applicators that constitute the Texas-sized mass.

“What a joy to be finally reunited with these endless tokens of American excess,” the spokesperson told reporters. “Let freedom ring!”

Review: ‘Jarhead 2′ Is One Of Top 8,000 Best Military Movies We’ve Ever Seen

It’s been said Hollywood milks every franchise to death to make an extra buck. That is not the case with Jarhead 2.

Following the military classic Jarhead, based on the book by Anthony Swofford,Jarhead 2: Things Happen In This One uses different characters but follows the original’s theme about how it is awesome to be a United States Marine. Starring the guy from Avatar and a few actors that look vaguely familiar, Jarhead 2 shows an incredibly accurate portrayal of Marine life in Afghanistan.

The story focuses on a platoon of Marines from supply who take a break from drinking beers with their commanding officer to restock a remote outpost. While on their way, they get flagged down by a Navy SEAL, because of course there is a SEAL in this movie. The SEAL gets the Marines to help him with a combat mission, which is going to become supply’s new excuse why they are never in their office.

Find Out How Israel TRIPLED Its Size Using This One Weird Trick!

TEL AVIV, Israel — The nation of Israel broke a nearly 50-year silence yesterday when it revealed the sneaky diplomatic secret that it has used to increase mass and get huge gains without once going to the gym or the United Nations General Assembly.

“This is an ancient secret that has been passed down through the generations,” the State of Israel said in remarks recorded on a VHS tape mailed to Duffel Blog in a suspicious brown-paper package after we paid $19.99 in crisp, unmarked shekels and provided our social-security and bank account numbers through a Google Form. “Very ancient Israel secret. The trick is getting the Americans to either not care about, or better yet, support your shady international dealings and land grabs through a combination of guilt-tripping and savvy lobbying.”

Obama Authorizes Drone Strike On Putin

WASHINGTON — President Obama has authorized a targeted drone strike against Russian President Vladimir Putin following his country’s controversial troop movements into Ukraine’s Crimea, senior administration officials confirmed today.

Putin, 61, was added to the controversial “kill list” on Saturday shortly after speaking with the president in a 90-minute phone call. Following the call, the White House readout indicated that Obama spoke for approximately 30 minutes while Putin laughed continuously for the last 60.

“I mean seriously,” senior aides reported Obama as saying. “Fuck that guy.”

Marine Putting Together Moto Video Of War Crimes Not Sure What Music To Use

CAMP PENDLETON, CA — A U.S. Marine putting the finishing touches on an “epic moto video” of numerous war crimes committed during a deployment to Afghanistan last year can’t quite figure out what music track he should use, sources confirmed today.

“Look at this epic video bro,” said Cpl. Jason Angers, in his barracks room at Camp Horno. “It’s got everything: firefights, explosions, cutting off enemy ears. Everything.”

The roughly five-minute long short film, put together in Windows Movie Maker, features Angers and his platoon patrolling through Afghanistan — at times engaging the enemy — and sometimes passing out candy to kids.

“I was thinking of using Lee Greenwood, but his chorus would really throw off the part where we piss on the dead bodies,” Angers said.

Fred Phelps To Be Buried In Arlington National Cemetery

ARLINGTON — Fred Phelps, a retired Army command sergeant major and founder of the controversial Westboro Baptist Church, will be buried with full military honors at Arlington National Cemetery, officials confirmed Friday.

“As a soldier who served the Army when his country called, Sgt. Maj. Phelps served our nation honorably and deserves to be buried in peace,” said Ian Wilson, an Arlington spokesman, in a written statement.

Phelps died of complications from AIDS on Wednesday at 11:15 p.m., according to a church spokesman. He was 84.

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