the Fuzzie Squirrel

bits of my brain; pieces of praise; tiny thoughts; literally my life. that is to say, one man's soul-scribed. this is me. pleased to meet you.

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my Ray of God’s light

i’ve said it many times over the years, but i really do love being married. one of my favourite parts, though, is something i find many don’t talk about too much: the in-laws. i love that marriage has given me a new set of parents that love me, new cousins, new brother, new aunts and uncles. but of all the extended family i was blessed with, my wife’s grandpa, Raymond Popp, he’s my favourite. i love that man. truly, truly i love that man. i remember the first time i went to his house. Laura and i had only been dating a little while, maybe a year, and it was a family function. i remember i was 18, maybe 19 at the time, and when i came in, after i had told them how to pronounce my name correctly a few times, they asked if i wanted a beer. i was sure this was a trap or a test or something. i already felt a little on edge, being the only Black guy and way out in the desert, but alcohol? i was sure they were just waiting to call the cops on me or declare me unfit for dating their granddaughter. but i was wrong. i came to realize over time that these people, my new grandparents, they were genuine, loving, kind people; there was no guile in them. i quickly came to love them, though i’m certain they loved me first, and in time i came to have a relationship with them that was my own. as a man, Ray impressed me. not because he was a veteran of WWII who had dropped from the sky over Normandy and lived, not because of his wit or charm or even his financial stability, all these he possessed in spades and in quantities almost unfair for one mortal man; but no, i was impressed by his very real love for Jesus and his family. Ray and i would often have private conversations while surrounded by everyone at family gatherings. he would sit in his seat, and i next to him, and we would talk like old friends. i will never forget the day he confessed to me why he could never stop being a Catholic. for him it wasn’t so much the Pope or priestly authority, though he held to those convictions. for him it was the sacrament of communion. he told me that he didn’t need to understand how, he still knew that it literally was the body and the blood of Christ. and then he looked me in the eye and he told me, one man in love with Christ to another, “to this day, every time i take communion, it brings tears to my eyes as i think of what He went through for me.” Ray and i would talk as much as i could. i think i was one of his favourites to talk politics with because i actually knew the facts for myself, and though we agreed on a lot, i would not hesitate to tell him a perspective he couldn’t really get anywhere else. i came to understand this when he told me the story about the time he called a Black co-worker of his the n word. he explained how growing up they only ever saw one Black guy, and he heard people using the word and never realized it was bad. in his story, upon learning that what he did was wrong, he immediately disavowed using the word and apologized personally. moreover, he used the story to convey a deeper truth to me: if you are a genuine, true, and good person, when and if you mess up and accidentally do something terribly wrong, your reputation will defend you. so he loved having me as his grandson, because he truly loved me and what i added to his family he loved so much. he was the sort of man i hope to be. he worked hard, was not afraid to take a risk if it might help him better provide for his family. he loved God and served Him in truth no matter what anyone said, even when it meant fighting a priest and not giving up on his unborn child. he loved knowledge and never stopped learning and growing; but more than that, he loved his wife as Christ loves the church. i get the feeling that some of what he and i talked about over the years he couldn’t really share with the rest of the family. i recall about 3 years ago he was abnormally excited to see us walking through the door before everyone else showed up. it turned out he had been reading a book about Heaven and wanted my take on it. he explained to me that he wasn’t a fool, and he knew soon enough he and his wife would be leaving this world, so he wanted to know more about what was waiting for them. what he learned made him more than a little anxious. he could hardly wait to get there. he didn’t want to go before his bride; he didn’t like the idea of leaving her behind here, but he also couldn’t help but get excited just thinking about what was in store. he’s home now. he’s with his Saviour who he loved with the passion only a real man can muster. he had been looking forward to this for awhile now, and i’m happy for him. i’ll miss him, but i’ll see him again. there’s this list i keep, of all the people i look forward to seeing and talking with when i get to Heaven. it’s mainly people who died before i was born, but there’s a new name on my list now, and he’s at the top. when i get to Heaven, after seeing Jesus face to face, Raymond Popp is the first person i’ll be looking for, to ask how he thinks i did, if i was a good husband, a loving father, a man dedicated to Christ. of course, that may change; who knows who else may die before i get there, but for now he’s my #1, my Ray of God’s light, and i miss him.

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learn in the struggle

“Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” - Rom 5:3-5 (ESV) you’ve been there; that moment when life gets so difficult you have to ask God “why? why me? why this?” in Lamentations 3:37-38 it talks of how nothing in our lives happens excepting He wills it, and when storms first hit this comforts us. but what about on day 11, month 5, year 14, when the trouble doesn’t go away, but endures? what then? that’s when the truth of God’s training of His saints endures. there’s a sincere and real difference between learning a lesson and receiving training. that’s not to say training won’t involve lessons to be learned, but one is a distinct task with clear goals and clear ends, but training? look at it like this: at what point and time do athlete’s stop training? you could say when competing, during an actual game maybe. but do they stop training because they’ve played one game or one season even? no. truth is no matter how many times they win, training only ends when they cease to be an athlete. so goes our walk. we may get breaks here and there from training as we find ourselves in an acute battle, but the training never ends, until we are taken out of the game. so now to the point of the struggle. some struggles last days, others decades, but they all come from the Father, and they’re all for your training for work in His Kingdom. no work, i repeat, no work you do on this earth or in this life is ever apart from this training. this is what the Spirit was saying through Paul when he told the Corinthians that whatever they’re up to, eating, drinking, whatever it may be, it should all be done to the glory of God (1 Corinthians 10:31). he could say this because, in truth, everything is a part of God’s plan to bring Him glory. so when you have to move into your parent’s house because there is no money, God’s training you for His Kingdom. when you need to go to the ER at 4 in the morning because “your mom’s not doing well…”, God’s molding you to His Kingdom. when you’re sitting in your driveway trying to work up the courage to stop crying so the kids don’t see how scared and confused you are, even still, God is preparing you for His Kingdom. in Jeremiah chapter 18, the prophet is being sent to learn a lesson from life. by this point he had been delivering Gods tough judgement for 17 chapters, judgement for idolatry, for not living up to the image God expects of His people, and throughout Jeremiah develops this reputation as “the weeping prophet” as he thinks of what the judgement will mean for his people; this was not going to be easy, and he still had many more chapters of prophecies and uncomfortable confrontations to go. in the middle of this God sends him to the potter’s house to witness what and why God was up to. Jeremiah isn’t the only one to use this imagery, it shows up in Isaiah, and again in Romans. sometimes this comparison is to show the sovereignty of God, others to recall how He can make anyone or thing into whatever He chooses. in this particular instance, though, Jeremiah is shown the comfort of the identity crisis that looms on the horizon for the clay pot. you’ve been that pot. you identified as a wine vessel, spent years being made into a wine vessel; here’s your wine vessel handle, your wine vessel decoration, your wine vessel body and opening; but then the potter looks at you and you are not the vessel He wills you to be for His Kingdom, but the vessel you had become by your own will. you came to the potter and bowed to Him, being the Creator and Sovereign LORD, and you begged Him to make you into a vessel fit for His Kingdom. so He takes you back to nothing, and He pushes on you, pulls here, cuts away there, sticks on bits in that one place. then comes the fire to harden you and establish you in the way He has for you. this is the training of the LORD, and it is most certainly for your good and His glory. we can choose to fight in this struggle, to resist the changes being made; but hard, resistant clay will either be broken down or discarded. trust me, you don’t want to be discarded by Him. Christ spoke of branches being cut off and cast into fire; don’t be that branch. instead, remember why you are here; not for fame, not for wealth; not to get a good job, buy a house and “raise a Godly family” even. you and i are only here on earth for one reason: to glorify the Father in heaven. the advice Peter gives to the church in his second epistle is perfect for this, because it holds within it the secret to success in life. “His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire. For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.” (2 Pet 1:3-8) these words are an outline of the training we can be expected to receive in this life, as well as the secret to being effective and fruitful in the midst of the training. every trial, every obstacle should send us back to His Word, relying ever more on His Spirit, so that the both of them can bring about this change in our lives, this steady growth into the kind of vessel fitting the banquet feast that waits in Heaven. so next time you look back on life and see one difficulty after another, and then turn around only to see a long line of further difficulties just waiting to have a shot at you, remember why you are here, remember Who’s you are and just Who’s in charge, remember that you are not merely learning a lesson, you are instead being trained by the LORD on high for His Kingdom and His glory.

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playing the fool for the LORD

“And David took these words to heart and was much afraid of Achish the king of Gath. So he changed his behavior before them and pretended to be insane in their hands and made marks on the doors of the gate and let his spittle run down his beard. Then Achish said to his servants, "Behold, you see the man is mad. Why then have you brought him to me? Do I lack madmen, that you have brought this fellow to behave as a madman in my presence? Shall this fellow come into my house?" 1 Samuel 21:12-15 (ESV) “Where is the one who is wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since, in the wisdom of God, the world did not know God through wisdom, it pleased God through the folly of what we preach to save those who believe. For Jews demand signs and Greeks seek wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews and folly to Gentiles, but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men. For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord." 1 Corinthians 1:20-31 (ESV) in life there are few slanders more painful than being labeled foolish, stupid, immature, or dumb. in many ways these insults take us back to the playground of 7th grade, ready to fight over mere words. but despite what adults may tell children in the heated moments, we all know that words carry power, and they can indeed hurt you. that’s why this scene in the life of David is an interesting one to behold. here is David, the David, that guy who is about as tough as anyone could ever hope to be, running away for his life. that alone is bad enough, but on top of that, to guard his life, he’s forced to play the fool. imagine this man, this giant slayer scrabbling through the streets like a madman. we get a sense of the shock this scene wrought when we see the response of Achish. who would ever think that such a mighty man of God would end up being such a fool?! ah, but as Paul explains so many thousands of years later, only those who can be made fools can ever hope to be called mighty men of God. in reading this time in the life of David, it’s easy to overlook it and think, “that’s what David gets; he went where he had no business going, and he got what he deserved. he should have stayed and fought for what God had promised. he should have never wandered away from where God would have him go.” to be sure, this is an easy assumption to make. after all, what business does David have going to hang out with the Philistines of all people? turning to Psalm 34, we see a poem composed by David during this trying time. this poem, like many of his, is a testimony to his literary prowess, being an acrostic in the original Hebrew language. of note is some of the things he says he either is doing, or will be doing soon in this poem. “I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble hear and be glad. Oh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together!” Psalm 34:1-3 or “Come, O children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the Lord.” Psalm 34:11 now, this is just conjecture on my part. all we know for certain is what the Scripture says, and all it says is that he let the spit roll down his beard and he made marks on doors as he went through the streets appearing insane, and that this was an intentional act meant to guarantee him safe passage without a fight. but what if, what if this psalm tells us the details the account in 1 Samuel left out, details which sound an awful lot like the description in 1 Corinthians? what if “insane David” was like “dancing for joy David,” a guy so overcome with praising the LORD that he loses all sense of decency? what if the babbling he was speaking in the streets was him shouting praises to the LORD continually? what if the markings where him writing praises to the LORD on the doors of every house he walked by? what if the spittle was collecting in his beard as he desperately tried to explain to the Philistine children the goodness of God? i know, i’m taking some liberties here, but just imagine it. do you see him? i suppose the better question is do you see you? are you making yourself look crazy as you run around telling everyone about the LORD, His goodness, His grace and mercy? are you choosing to tackle the insurmountable odds through praise or through planning; through the goodness of God or the greatness of your own reputation? like i said, it hurts to be called a name. i’m certain David felt the sting of being labeled mad, rather it was because he was just doing it to escape, or if he was praising God so vociferously that they labeled him as such; either way, it hurts going from women singing your praises to men mocking your presence. but what’s your real goal here? do you care about gathering some supporters to get through the difficulty, or are you willing to make yourself look the fool to get through the troubling times? if you find yourself being called names as you walk in the path God laid down for you, praise Him for the honor. praise His Holy Name that you have found enough favor in Him to be a fool in His shadow. praise Him for using you to confound the wise, to expose the world for what it is, to point to Him and His Son on the Cross. it is a privilege when men call you names so long as they do so as you follow the Name above all Names. be a fool for Christ; be immature, dumb, narrow-minded, ignorant. speak gibberish to the learned and scribble passages of the Living Word on the walls if you have to; allow your very appearance to be disgraceful as you get lost in the glorifying of His Name, He’s worth it! there’s only one thing in life we should be boasting about, so don’t worry what people call you so long as you are moving ever forward in Him.

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watching for dung beetles

you know that feeling all too well. you’ve been diligent for weeks now, getting up early and reading your Bible, praying for others and over your life, constantly appealing to the Holy Spirit for strength in your walk. you're doing good, you’re walking true, then bam! it happens! out of nowhere a pile of trouble comes crashing down on your world, blocking your progress and impeding your walk. maybe it’s a bill you didn’t expect, a car breaking down, an illness or death; maybe it’s old habits popping up out of nowhere or relationships falling to pieces overnight. we've all been there. i was watching this documentary with my son one night and they were looking at the amazing life of this little rodent in the Sahara called the elephant shrew. this tiny creature left me feeling like Balaam being lectured by the donkey by the time i was through watching. at one point in the show the little shrew was finally doing good when it rounded the corner only to find an elephant dropping a giant load, literally, in the middle of its well-manicured path. “what will i do?” you could see it thinking. what do i do when all my plans are for naught? what do i do when my hard work and continuing in the faith hasn’t spared me a load of mess in the middle of my life? what do i do!?! maybe i'm the only one who asks these questions, who throws my head to the clouds gathering overhead and scream out to God asking what He expects me to do now. in that moment, that little shrew was me, looking over my house, my marriage, my finances, my job; i am that shrew. but when all hope seemed lost, the most amazing of things transpired. i was reminded of David looking to the hills for his help, or Elisha having the LORD open his servant’s eyes to see what was really going. suddenly, help descended from the heavens, in the form of dung beetles of all things. these beetles had been created and perfectly equipped to deal with the mess in the life of the shrew. they swarmed over the pile and methodically rolled it up into neat balls and took it away. sooner than could be imagined, the shrew found its path once again clear and ready for him to continue in his walk. here’s the thing: at no point and time in your life is God ever out of control, are the circumstances ever sudden and unexpected, are the troubles you face beyond the sovereignty of God. i know this is not a comforting thought when hearing the doctor explain just why you only have 6 months left to live, but it should be. as i sat and watched that show with my son, i was truly humbled by the lengths to which God has gone to show us His goodness. i am reminded of something Christ said during His sermon on the mount. “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Matthew 6:25-33 (ESV) we love to quote that last part in the Church; “seek ye first the Kingdom of God…” we say to ourselves and everyone else, but like so much in life and especially in the Word, it is context that is key. Christ isn’t telling us to just seek the Kingdom generally; no, He is saying specifically, when life goes “pear-shaped” as they say in England; when nothing makes sense, when your mind can’t stop struggling to find a way out, when you have more month than money, when you find yourself surrounded, besieged on every front, no way out to be seen or even imagined. it is precisely then, when you find yourself facing starvation, homelessness, nakedness even, that He says to seek God’s Kingdom first. back to the documentary, the awesome thing is that was the difference between fear and hope for the little shrew. if all it did was stare at the problem and try and come up with a plan it may have given up on its walk, abandoned the trails which it relied upon for life itself, and been unable to receive the blessing in store; but if instead it focused its eyes heaven ward, if it fixed everything it had on where it knew all hope lies, then it would first hear the sound of something in the distance. a humming, a buzzing as something drew near. then there would be something in the distance, undiscernible at first. a cloud maybe? worse yet, a hawk or some other predatory fowl coming to finish it off? but then the truth would come into focus. a lowly beetle that most would dismiss was, in fact, a messenger sent of God to deal with the mess. i don’t know what you are facing right now. i don’t know what sudden load has been left in your path as you try and just continue in the discipline of the faith. i don’t know if it seems too large to comprehend, or if it is just a speed bump on your road. what i do know, though, is where we saints find hope. where God’s children find deliverance is not in our walk, not in our diligence to His Word or our knowledge of Kingdom things. remember: “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” Ephesians 2:8-10 (ESV) you were not saved from your sin because of how awesome you are, and you will not be saved from this current problem through your own ingenuity; it is Christ. it always has been, and it always will be in Him where our hope is found. so keep your eyes looking up, watching for the dung beetles on the horizon. i know they are already on their way for you, for me, for all of God’s saints, sent by Him to assist us in serving Him and bringing Him all the glory. Selah!

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Calling All the Called

“So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” 1 Corinthians 10:31 (ESV) Hang around in Christian circles long enough and one subject is bound to come up: calling. We talk about God calling us to change jobs, or God calling us to get married, or God calling us to work in the Cross Kids ministry, or God calling us to take the dog for a walk; but what does it really mean to be called? I read a book awhile back called “The Call” by Os Guinness, a book that really looks at the issue of God’s calling in the life of a believer. Os had struggled early in his Christian walk with the all too common idea that “being called to ministry” means being a priest or some other kind of minister, and this is the “higher” calling in the life of the believer. In the book, he referred to this as the Catholic Distortion, this belief that there are two levels of life: higher living as a priest, and lower living as a commoner working a regular job. Os goes on to say, though, that as Protestants we are not immune to the misunderstanding of God’s calling in our lives. What he terms the Protestant Distortion is the belief that your work, your employment is your calling. Now when I first read this I was surprised; I mean, I grew up in the church and heard so many sermons preaching this very same idea, that maybe God would call you to be a baker, or a doctor, or a stay at home mom, or a police officer, or a pastor even. But here was a man saying that this view was just as wrong as the other. It was largely due to verses like the one in Deuteronomy 7:6 that he came to this conclusion. Recall that when the LORD called Abraham, and his descendants after him, they weren’t called to be shepherds. Even generations later, when there were those who were priests and others who were carpenters, God only ever mentioned one explanation for what His intentions were for those He called to Him. “For you are a people holy to the Lord your God. The Lord your God has chosen you to be a people for his treasured possession, out of all the peoples who are on the face of the earth.” The idea of God’s calling was then summarized as being by Him, to Him, for Him. But this wasn’t just a calling for a small subset of individuals. We often like to think of things in an us and them mindset, with God calling “us Christians” but not “them pagans.” But all of creation is His, all of the universe rightfully belongs to Him, and is expected to respond accordingly. Rather this be the light coming into being when God demands it to be so in Genesis, or when Christ sits at the right hand of the Father and every knee bows and tongue confesses who He really is, the point is that the calling of the LORD knows no limits. This means that God’s call is for everyone, everywhere, that everything should think, speak, live, and act entirely for Him. I mention 1 Corinthians 10:31 a lot, and it is in fact the first verse I made my oldest memorize. “Rather you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all for the glory of God.” That’s the meaning of life right there. In the end, the book summarized the calling of God as “the truth that God calls us to Himself so decisively that everything we are, everything we do, and everything we have is invested with a special devotion, dynamism, and direction lived out as a response to His summons and service.” So don’t worry about what God has called you to do in life. Just look around you. Where you are is precisely where He sovereignly wished you to be, get to work there. Yes, you too have been called, because we all have been called; and no, your job is not your calling. No job could ever fit the bill of the greatness God has called you to. You may be waiting tables or changing diapers, but that cannot compare to the call to bring glory to the Father on high. The trick is doing those things for His glory. So walk the dog as a praise to His glorious name, get gas for your car as a testimony to His divine goodness, wash dishes in exultation to His mighty name. you have been called for something far greater than a mere vocation or location, you have been called to glorify God Himself.

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Forgiveness: a Christ-like mind producing a Christ-like body

I was reading an article that was, in fact, an excerpt from a book. I may read the book one day, but probably not. Anyhow, this excerpt was presenting and summarizing research that had been done in the medical community into the utility of forgiveness in improving the health of patients; more specifically, it mentioned a lot of studies which looked at healing in acutely and severely injured persons and how teaching them to forgive could and would make a huge difference in their recovery. Now this article was not in the least written to defend the Christian worldview; in fact, it quite often would try and espouse the atheistic and evolutionary stand point. Funny thing though? All this research was started by a man who deeply believed in God, and most of the breakthroughs in treatment and knowledge came from men who believed deeply in Christ Jesus. But I’m not writing this to convince you to read the article, I’m writing this because as I read the article, I could hear the Holy Spirit bringing to the forefront of my mind the very knowledge found in His Word. One side note before jumping in: I have also been listening to some seminary level lectures lately on systematic theology, or the orderly approach to studying and knowing God. One thing that was discussed which I found quite rewarding to hold onto was the fact that all truth belongs to God, who is THE TRUTH. So as I was reading this article, and truth was laid bare, it was His Truth that was being discussed; and rather it be a sunset or an ant crawling in the grass, all truth belongs to Him. How can you recognize this truth? It will always line up with and be in accord with His Word, with His Son, with the Father, and with His Spirit. Now to the point. The article opened with the story of a doctor treating a patient burned up to his knees by falling into a vat of molten aluminum. The doctor treated him through suggestion and hypnotism, helping him to get past the pain, but further, improving his healing to the point of requiring no skin grafts and only 18 days. Dr. Ewin went on to add an even more powerful component to his treatments: forgiveness. He found that many of his patients were “all burned up, both literally and figuratively.” Sometimes mad at themselves, sometimes others, but always needing to forgive before they could heal. This section immediately brought to mind Proverbs 14:30. I don’t usually use this translation in reading Scripture, but in this instance, the Aramaic Bible in Plain English says it best for what I am talking about: He that cools his anger is a healer of his heart, and envy is the decay of the bones. Christ spoke of forgiveness often, as did the prophets; this is funny because the first third of the Old Testament is full of rules and laws all about the consequences for sin and the coming of judgement, yet even without the prophets or the revelation of Christ, David could plainly see that God was a God who forgave the repentant. But Christ took it beyond that for us. We forgive others because we’ve been forgiven. One more thing I have gotten from the whole systematic theology series is how every part of God is true of Him in all ways, and every part of Scripture is connected with every other part. This means that God’s holiness is not distinct from His all knowing; He is all holy in His knowing, and all knowing in His holiness. That also means that the Scripture that says a troubled spirit can lead to an agonized body is also connected to the ones like Matthew 6:14-15 or Colossians 3:12-13 that tell us to forgive, which are still again tied to the Scriptures that His Word instructs in how we can live the greatest life that He created us to live (Romans 8:28-30, 2 Timothy 3:16-17). But that’s just from the opening paragraph of the article. Later in the article we’re introduced to Dr. Enright, a Christian who influenced by his faith decided to see how teaching people to forgive might help in their healing and recovery. He would go on to produce a model through his research that is immediately familiar to all saints. Dr. Enright’s model has four parts: uncovering your anger, deciding to forgive, working on forgiveness, and discovery and release from emotional prison. This model really impressed me. I went looking for Bible verses about anger, of which there are plenty to be sure, but one really leapt out at me. “For pressing milk produces curds, pressing the nose produces blood, and pressing anger produces strife.” Proverbs 30:33 (ESV) if you keep pushing your anger inside you, it doesn’t just go away, it goes with you; but anger comes from us feeling not only that we’ve been wronged, but also that the other needs pay for what they’ve done. God is just; this is a fact I can never forget for my middle name, Avidon, is Hebrew for “God is just.” It is this knowledge, remembering that “vengeance is mine says the LORD,” (Romans 12:19) that keeps us from pressing our anger down and carrying it with us. I also find it interesting how he breaks the stages into deciding to forgive and working on forgiveness. Admitting you are angry is one thing, and acknowledging that you should forgive and being willing to try another still, but forgiving others is a process akin to salvation itself. I am saved, once and for all, by the blood of Christ on the cross; and yet and still I daily must “work out my own salvation.”(Philippians 2:12-13) before God so that I can hope to live the life He has for me. Forgiving the father who abandoned your family, forgiving the wife who left you, forgiving the friend who abused your friendship, deciding to forgive them may be accomplished in a moment, but the act of forgiving them will take time. The final stage is the most amazing, that of freedom from an emotional prison. One summer as a kid I went to the Vacation Bible School for another church down the street from our own. I can still hear and sing in my head the chorus for a song that helped place John 8:36 deep within my mind. “So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed, free to live life eternally.” Christ came to free us, but why do we sometimes act like He only came to free us from the penalty of sin, and not also it’s power over our lives? The article would go on to site study after study showing how forgiveness helps in depression, PTSD, coronary artery disease, even the amount of emotional pain experiences can cause you. But this is not news to the Christian. We expect to find in the world the proofs that the God of the Bible is real, and right, and true. Listen to these two passages from Paul’s letter to the church in Philippi: Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men… Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phil 2:5-7; 4:4-7 (ESV) Now think about it, we are to have a mind like Christ now, and we are to eventually have a body like Christ when He returns, but isn’t it interesting that already, here and now, a mind like Christ seems to heal bodies, improve function, increase health? I’m not saying that forgiving my dad will cure my cancer, or forgiving my neighbor will mean no more insulin injections; but what is clear is that we should be like Him, and being like Him seems to fix some of things that make our bodies now unlike His. But this is bigger than just you or I. See, there is my body, and there is the Body of Christ; and when each of us little bodies possess His mind, we come together as His body and can actually manage to do His work. But it all starts with forgiveness. If there is some sin in your past that you won’t stop looking down on yourself over, give it to Christ. If there’s a person in your life you refuse to release from your anger, give it to Jesus. Whatever the story or situation, the answer is still the same. Give Jesus your anger, choose to be like Him and forgive, work through the process of Him saving you from the power sin has had in your life and mind, and enjoy the peace which surpasses all understanding. In the end, the article had a nice little platitude to offer that was close but not quite true. They said that “Forgiveness could be viewed as a sort of painkiller for moral distress.” No, forgiveness is the cure for moral distress; a cure which we have been freely given, and we are expected to freely give.

[thecastrationchronicles-blog]

the truth

truth is… the truth is i did not go to medical school to help people. i have been telling that lie to so many for so long, i believed it with all of my being. but if i went to help people, then all these jobs i’ve had over the years should be more than enough to make me happy; helping kids when they need band aids, helping addicts get treatment, helping people study the Bible, helping fix boats that are broken, helping parents with kids who are struggling in school, helping people get their food at a restaurant. but these jobs don’t make me happy, fulfilled, “utterly content.” my wife sits on the side and watches as i fester inside. some days are better than others; some weeks, some years, but the pattern is more or less the same: i go to work and barely scrape together enough to keep our family afloat, i smile to the kids and tell them daddy is just doing what a man should and what God has for him to do, tell my wife i love her and that i will gladly do what it takes to take care of our family, and in the quiet, still moments in life, when everyone else is asleep, i take the time to see, just how much of me did i kill off this time, just how much more of the real me, deep down inside, is dead now. depression is one of the names i give it, but it is much more than that. it was during one of these times last night that i stumbled upon the truth previously mentioned, a truth which i’m sure will shed light on many other things about myself as time unfurls. i didn’t go to school to help people; i went to school to make money. the funny thing is, i’ve always been willing to admit this in a cursory way, but always by brushing it over with larger words on altruistic leanings and a desire to help others. when i was faced with life, you know, the real one of adults, i had two paths to choose between: acting, and intellect. i loved acting. truth be told, it wasn’t just acting, but art, as i played multiple instruments as well. but wanting a wife and large family, and being convinced that film acting wasn’t real acting, i saw no way i could financially support a family on a “starving actor’s” salary. so i became a doctor. hypocrisy is an insidious illness; like diabetes, you don’t generally know you have it until some major part of your body is facing sudden demise; likewise, it was only in nearing a total destruction of self that i finally ascertained wherein lay my disability. if all i truly wanted to do was help people, then i would have some problem with my professions over the years, as money is not as abundant as hoped for, but i would have sincere peace at night knowing i had accomplished my goal. but i have no such peace, for my goal alludes me, my goal is monetary wealth. i know that many people who read this see no problem with this revelation of self, but they are not me; this is a horrible fact. i have spent all of my life trying to live like a Christian, and have had the privilege in the last few years to recognize it is not about me trying, but God empowering me. i look back over the last 5 years of growth and progress and find myself feeling my thoughts and actions more spurious than even the “dark ages” of my depression. as a follower of Christ, i seek to want what He wants me to want; nothing more, nothing less. i started this blog years ago as i faced what i felt would be the most difficult time of my life. to be fair, it was the most difficult yet; but the present is shaping up to be far more challenging than the past. there are large sections of me that need to be dead; cut off, burned, and the ashes thrown away. the past 5 years i thought this was taking place, but i was wrong. when going in for surgery, you get a lot of tests done, blood work and the like, then you go to pre-op appointments where they discuss the procedure, then you fast for a day or so, then you check in at the hospital, then you strip naked and put on that ridiculous gown, then you have more strangers come and poke and prod, then you lie down on a strange bed and get rolled through a cavalcade of more blurry faces, then a room with bright lights and foreign sounds, more pricks and pokes, then darkness; and only then does the operation truly begin. my castration has not begun, but i can sense the knife’s encroachment upon my soul. i may have finally gone to Christ for the circumcision of my heart, but i still have yet to endure the emasculation of my flesh. i long for what He longs for; but like David, i still have some things i want to go after, and like Paul, i find myself acting on things which are utterly foreign to the new mind i have inside, and like Samson, there are even still those things which need plucking out so i can focus on what matters. i realized last night that i was worse than all my colleagues i mocked in medical school. i scoffed at them wanting to pursue those specialties which offered the most money, saying medicine is about healing and helping, not profit; but they were a least honest about their intentions, not self-righteous and puffed up. i was just as greedy as them; but with the help of my God, i won’t be for long.

[thefuzziesquirrel-blog]

i have this other blog too if any of you are interested; it’s for my more raw thoughts/emotions, the kind of stuff that makes my wife and mom worry about me; so if you do read it, please don’t go getting scared or anything, just know i may say things people don’t usually let out of their head.

[thefuzziesquirrel-blog]

devotions

today’s email from Alistair Begg was another much needed Word from God. I encourage anyone who is struggling with continuing in their walk as they look at the seemingly easier time of the ungodly to read Psalm 73. Asaph may not have the notoriety of David, but he is indeed a psalmist who knows what life feels like.

“Nevertheless Nevertheless, I am continually with you. Psalm 73:23 Nevertheless"-as if, notwithstanding all the foolishness and ignorance that Asaph had just been confessing to God, not one atom was it less true and certain that Asaph was saved and accepted, and that the blessing of being constantly in God's presence was undoubtedly his. Fully conscious of his own lost estate and of the deceitfulness and vileness of his nature, yet, by a glorious outburst of faith, he sings, "Nevertheless, I am continually with you." Believer, you are forced to enter into Asaph's confession and acknowledgment; endeavor in like spirit to say "nevertheless, since I belong to Christ I am continually with God!" By this is meant continually upon His mind-He is always thinking of me for my good. Continually before His eye-the eye of the Lord never sleeps but is perpetually watching over my welfare. Continually in His hand, so that none shall be able to pluck me away. Continually on His heart, worn there as a memorial, even as the high priest bore the names of the twelve tribes upon his heart forever. You always think of me, O God. The tender mercies of Your love continually yearn toward me. You are always making providence work for my good. You have set me as a signet upon Your arm; Your love is strong as death, and many waters cannot quench it; neither can the floods drown it. Surprising grace! You see me in Christ, and though in myself disapproved, You behold me as wearing Christ's garments and washed in His blood, and so I stand accepted in Your presence. I am therefore continually in Your favor-"continually with you." Here is comfort for the tried and afflicted soul; vexed with the tempest within, look at the calm without. "Nevertheless"-O say it in your heart, and take the peace it gives. "Nevertheless, I am continually with you." “

[thefuzziesquirrel-blog]

my wife: a better Christian than i

i love my wife dearly; of the many choices i’ve made over the years, marrying her is indeed the smartest moved yet, well, except for accepting Christ, but there are those who argue He chose me first, and on and on, so let’s just avoid that whole mess. the fact is,  she brings far more to my life than i to hers, and i am amazed so often when confronted with just how much better she is than i. case in point, the other morning. we were discussing the need to buy computers for our oldest two children, as we had decided to home school them this year, and the curriculum my wife would be using ( i say my wife because even though as a team we may be homeschooling, it is she who will be doing the lion’s share of the work; again, she’s so much better than me) involved a lot of computer work. It would be impractical to teach third grade, kindergarten, and preschool all from one computer alone. as such, being the master of all things technological in our home, i set about finding the perfect laptops within our budgets. Once we had agreed, i added them to my cart on amazon and was about to pay for them. In going over our options, we agreed it made the most since to use my amazon store credit card, as we are trying to improve my credit score (again, of course, hers is way better than mine), plus we would get 6 months of 0% interest which is always a great thing even when you do have the money on hand. i went to pay, but since this would be the first time since our move to Kentucky that i was using said card, for security purposes amazon wanted me to put in the card info all over again. here's the problem with that: i threw the card away. why? we were moving, and i didn’t feel like finding the holder i use for storing all our cards, plus my reasoning was i only ever use it for amazon, as it is only able to be used on amazon, and all my info was already stored. my wife, being the incredible intellect she is, warned me against such action. she cautioned that i should keep it, but of course i ignored her. now if the reverse had happened, say like how i had warned her to fully charge her computer before we moved, and now she has a dead computer while she waits to find her power cord, then i would berate her for a few minutes, as i had in fact done prior to the revelation of my shortcoming; but my wife is a better Christian than i. there’s a section in 1 Corinthians 13, commonly referred to as “the love chapter” in Christian circles, that lists the more common attributes of love. Patience, kindness, selflessness, and not delighting when things go bad or boasting when you’re right or even insisting things should go your way. ouch. i'm far slower than people give me credit for, so it took me an hour or so before i began to appreciate what took place. my wife did not brag about how right she was; she did not get mad, or lecture me, or even get frustrated that we would have to wait a week for me to get a new card before i could get the supplies she needed to start our children’s education. she merely accepted the situation for what it was and moved on.

my wife has been many things over the years, but through every stage and change in life, she is a shining example of the sort of person i hope to be one day. until then, i'll have to settle for getting to be in her presence.

[thefuzziesquirrel-blog]

g.k. chesterton was one of the literary giants to coin the phrase fact is stranger than fiction; oh how i wish he were wrong sometimes. in this same week we have seen a storm of rage directed towards a pair of the world’s most prominent gay fashion designers for insisting that the family unit is defined as a father, mother and children, as this is what is natural and right, while one of the largest church denominations in the u.s. has officially accepted gay marriage, saying marriage has only “traditionally” been between a man and woman, but can in fact just be between two people. that’s right, the gays are saying gay family is a misnomer, and the “Christians” are saying gay marriage is blessed. LORD help us.

[thefuzziesquirrel-blog]

we the Ark be

  i was driving my car, listening to a sermon the other day, and an artifact i have heard of thousands of times in my life took on a whole new meaning for me. it’s kind of like when my wife and i decided we liked mushrooms early on in our marriage. up until that point in time, we had tolerated them as a necessary evil of sorts; but on some miraculous day, i cooked them, and we loved them, and since that day, we eat mushrooms in some way shape or form nearly every week, so much so that our oldest loves them already at the tender age of 8, and for a time, even considered them his favourite food. or like how again, when first married, my wife and i did not like spicy food, but now keep our cupboards perpetually stocked with a myriad hot options, and i even seriously contemplated the purchase of some ghost chili powder just last night for cooking with. the analogies proposed are all the more apropos when considering that my bride and i were merely 22 when married, and these changes i described were, in fact, largely due to the fact that being married did not exclude us from the vast amount of growing up we still had left to do. it is along these lines that my mind, in meditating on the Ark of the Covenant, began to appreciate what God has done in the lives of ordinary men and women at a whole new level.

the Ark was arguably the most important religious artifact of the Jewish people. it would go before them in battle, and with only a few exceptions, was considered one of the main reasons victory could be secured. as they understood it, the presence of the Ark in fact produced the presence of the LORD, an occurrence which would most certainly change outcomes and provide safety for the people. the Ark itself was a wooden box that was overlaid with gold and topped with a lid that had two cherubim, wings outstretched, on it; this lid was also known as the Mercy Seat, and was the central recipient of the sprinkling of the blood of atonement for sin when offering sacrifices before God. the Ark itself was not empty, but housed holy relics. the tablets containing the Ten Commandments, Aaron’s staff which had budded as proof of his priesthood, and a sample of the manna God had used to feed the people as they wandered through the Wilderness those 40 years were all placed therein. now all of this information is not new to me; i have known it longer than i can remember knowing what it is to know something, and for the sake of perspective, my earliest memories go back to when i was around 2; so yes, i have indeed been knowing this all for some time. but you know what? i ate mushrooms as a kid. i remember the first time i tried a hot pepper at my grandparents house, and felt like i was dying from the pain. the maturing process does not mean that you all of a sudden understand something with the first exposure at some late stage, but all too often is the fructification of a series of events and experiences which led up to this moment, a moment whereby appreciation of a thing would finally be had for oneself.

so back to the Ark. as the pastor on the radio was listing off the items contained within the Ark, items i have known by heart for some time, i heard a voice within my mind making a complimentary list. “the tablets with the Law…” He said He would have a people who He would write His Law in their hearts, not on stone; “a sample of the heavenly manna…” Christ repeatedly said we would be fed the Bread of Life, which was Him, and we would never hunger again; “the staff of Aaron which had bud…” we were once dead, but He made us to live again by his Holy Spirit, and once more, this new life is our proof of right to approach God as a nation of priests. but then my mind took it further. the sprinkling of the blood of atonement on the Mercy Seat, while we ourselves are made pure in the eyes of the LORD by the covering of the Blood of the Lamb; the Ark itself being a mere wooden vessel, but covered with gold by God’s design rendering it holy, just like how we have these earthen vessels of simple substance, but covered and clothed by the righteousness of Christ, we become the very dwelling place of the Living God Himself. “woah! we are the Ark!” i shouted as i neared my destination. after i parked the whole idea just kept bouncing around in my head. i had planned to write about it immediately but could not; i had to work. i meant to talk with someone, anyone about it; but the opportunity never presented itself. so like how i rarely miss a week without eating something spicy and something with beta glucans, i likewise have not passed a day hence without pondering this awesome mystery.

we speak these days of the Ark of the Covenant being lost to time. we say it is no longer relevant for the revelation of the presence of the LORD, nor for the offering of sacrifices; but we are wrong. the Ark was not lost to time; it was not destroyed or taken away to be in Heaven. no the Ark is here, right now on earth, and it is the same as it always had been. it has the Law of the LORD, written by His own hand; it is filled with the Bread of Heaven which offers a filling like no other; it bears the living thing which was dead but is now made alive by God; it is the proof of the priesthood of those who enter into His very presence; it is a very much so earthly device which has been covered with a heavenly nature; it is covered with the Blood of sacrifice which washes away every sin; it is me, and every other person who has called on the Name above all other names and given their lives over to Him. i am the Ark of the Covenant of the Lord, and you are too; that is, provided you fit the description. so i guess i’m asking; do you?

[thefuzziesquirrel-blog]

[goddaily]

[thefuzziesquirrel-blog]

ask a black guy

i sent this in to a few newspapers a few weeks ago to publish ; no one said yes. i guess it was too honest. oh well:

it is interesting how few people actually care to know the truth in this world. i just watched two white ladies and an asian lady discuss the issues of race in America and how black people are treated by the cops; at one point the “liberal” voice actually said that they don’t really know what it is like since they are not black men. i stood, maybe 2 feet away from her, certain that now they would actually ask me my opinion, seeing as i am a black man, and i do know what it is like. nope. they just kept going back and forth for maybe 5 more minutes, but never once saying, “hey kamarr, you’re black. what do you think?” truth be told, that’s one of the big issues with the whole discussion on race in this nation. no one really wants to hear what the black man has to say about how the black man is being treated. if we do open our mouths to speak, they marginalize our complaints and attempt to rationalize them away; and never, never do they sincerely ask us: what do you think? it’s not for a lack of articulate black men; we’ve had them since Douglas and Dubois up to the present Carson and Smiley; men mind you who are quite conservative in their views of family values and societal virtues but not shirking from the ghastly truth that is the life we black men live in this world. should America ever find herself ready and willing to listen, i am certain there will be lots of radicals seeking to steal the spotlight, or even real-world Uncle Ruckus’ seeking to “glorify the virtues and purity of the white man.” but i also have no doubt that in such a situation, the overwhelming cascade of voices of men such as myself, so-called “safe black men” because of our respectable dress and clean criminal records, will drown them out in our chorus of complaints as we struggle to be accepted and given a fair shot in the country we love just as much as any other American out there; in fact, as my pigmentally challenged (i.e. white) wife often must recognize, we might just love this country the most; what other ethnic group in the history of this nation has been treated so badly generation after generation, and still makes up more than 17% of the military, when we are less than 13% of the population at large? maybe it’s time the white people in America stop speculating about the issue, and start listening.

it is interesting how few people actually care to know the truth in this world. i just watched two white ladies and an asian lady discuss the issues of race in America and how black people are treated by the cops; at one point the “liberal” voice actually said that they don’t really know what it is like since they are not black men. i stood, maybe 2 feet away from her, certain that now they would actually ask me my opinion, seeing as i am a black man, and i do know what it is like. nope. they just kept going back and forth for maybe 5 more minutes, but never once saying, “hey kamarr, you’re black. what do you think?” truth be told, that’s one of the big issues with the whole discussion on race in this nation. no one really wants to hear what the black man has to say about how the black man is being treated. if we do open our mouths to speak, they marginalize our complaints and attempt to rationalize them away; and never, never do they sincerely ask us: what do you think? it’s not for a lack of articulate black men; we’ve had them since Douglas and Dubois up to the present Carson and Smiley; men mind you who are quite conservative in their views of family values and societal virtues but not shirking from the ghastly truth that is the life we black men live in this world. should America ever find herself ready and willing to listen, i am certain there will be lots of radicals seeking to steal the spotlight, or even real-world Uncle Ruckus’ seeking to “glorify the virtues and purity of the white man.” but i also have no doubt that in such a situation, the overwhelming cascade of voices of men such as myself, so-called “safe black men” because of our respectable dress and clean criminal records, will drown them out in our chorus of complaints as we struggle to be accepted and given a fair shot in the country we love just as much as any other American out there; in fact, as my pigmentally challenged (i.e. white) wife often must recognize, we might just love this country the most; what other ethnic group in the history of this nation has been treated so badly generation after generation, and still makes up more than 17% of the military, when we are less than 13% of the population at large? maybe it’s time the white people in America stop speculating about the issue, and start listening.

it is interesting how few people actually care to know the truth in this world. i just watched two white ladies and an asian lady discuss the issues of race in America and how black people are treated by the cops; at one point the “liberal” voice actually said that they don’t really know what it is like since they are not black men. i stood, maybe 2 feet away from her, certain that now they would actually ask me my opinion, seeing as i am a black man, and i do know what it is like. nope. they just kept going back and forth for maybe 5 more minutes, but never once saying, “hey kamarr, you’re black. what do you think?” truth be told, that’s one of the big issues with the whole discussion on race in this nation. no one really wants to hear what the black man has to say about how the black man is being treated. if we do open our mouths to speak, they marginalize our complaints and attempt to rationalize them away; and never, never do they sincerely ask us: what do you think? it’s not for a lack of articulate black men; we’ve had them since Douglas and Dubois up to the present Carson and Smiley; men mind you who are quite conservative in their views of family values and societal virtues but not shirking from the ghastly truth that is the life we black men live in this world. should America ever find herself ready and willing to listen, i am certain there will be lots of radicals seeking to steal the spotlight, or even real-world Uncle Ruckus’ seeking to “glorify the virtues and purity of the white man.” but i also have no doubt that in such a situation, the overwhelming cascade of voices of men such as myself, so-called “safe black men” because of our respectable dress and clean criminal records, will drown them out in our chorus of complaints as we struggle to be accepted and given a fair shot in the country we love just as much as any other American out there; in fact, as my pigmentally challenged (i.e. white) wife often must recognize, we might just love this country the most; what other ethnic group in the history of this nation has been treated so badly generation after generation, and still makes up more than 17% of the military, when we are less than 13% of the population at large? maybe it’s time the white people in America stop speculating about the issue, and start listening.

[thefuzziesquirrel-blog]

[thefuzziesquirrel-blog]

call me ebenezer

  i’ve been struggling the past few days over the Christmas season. i enjoy reading, and tend to have seasons of tastes. i’ll read a bunch of mysteries, or a bunch of biographies, or delve into historical narratives or fantasy novels; of late, i’m reading about the modern martyrs of the Christian church. these people are truly amazing. their love, their confidence in the Spirit, their dependence on God… it is truly breathtaking. here’s the problem, though: they keep talking about how they worry about those of us in the west because we are so easily distracted from God and what truly matters; we are quick to equate our walk with God with our comforts in life, while they have come to appreciate how much the opposite is true. so now, at night, as my wife wraps presents for my children and frets there may be an imbalance with one of them getting less than the others, i find myself growing angry. angry with her for being so focused on gifts instead of focused on the Savior. angry with myself for apparently failing my family somehow in teaching them what matters. angry at the world for taking a celebration of the coming of Christ and turning it into a distraction from our walk in Him.

the name ebenzer is another example of this same travesty. Samuel named the place of Eben-Ezer as a memorial to the work of the LORD. Israel had been defeated before, but after repenting and rededicating their lives to the LORD, He defeated the same enemy, in the same place, so they raised a stone to remind them of how the LORD had helped them overcome. that’s what ebenezer really means, a standing stone of remembrance of God’s providence. but the Christmas season has changed this word to be synonymous with a grump who ruins everyone else’s good time. forget that by the end of the story ebenezer scrooge has remembered the goodness to be found in life, forget that the whole Christmas Carol story is a giant allegory of reflection on how good God has been in the past, and how He never gives up on Him being able to use you even now.

i am angry these days because i’m sitting here, agonizing over buying gifts i don’t really want to give out, just to be “proper.” i’m angry because i worry my kids are losing sight of the gift of God in the milieu of man-made waste. i’m angry because my family, my whole family, claims Christ, and yet seems lost in the spectacle at times. but more than anything else, i’m angry because i’m reading of how the persecuted brothers and sisters around the world are praying that we not do exactly what we are doing right now: losing sight of God and what truly matters because we are caught up in the ultimately unimportant. i’m angry.

Samuel was angry when he led the people to repentance. he was zealous for the LORD, and angry that God’s people were not equally single-minded in their pursuit of Him. Samuel was not perfect; just read on to see what happened with his boys and you realize how much he failed in representing God. yet Samuel was not one to shy away from a fight for God, either. that’s how ebenzer’s are made. i was defeated. i spent my early adulthood worshipping at the throne of my own intelligence, expecting it to yield me unimaginable quantities of prosperity and wealth. i marched into battle, waiving my symbol of God’s presence in my life, while all the while having a heart devoted to idols of my own making. the defeat was crippling. i felt stripped of my right to claim God in my life, stripped of everything i ever held up as a sign of my own worthiness. like the Israelites, i had been warned. time and time again i was warned; but i would offer up a half-hearted prayer of repentance just long enough to escape the current crisis, only to, like a dog returning to vomit, enter again into my idolatrous ways. but thankfully, He loved me enough to break me down to my knees. returning to the LORD is hard, not because of what He requires you to do, but because of all of the mistakes and strongholds you made that you need to go through your life, one by one, and tear down. this was what the Israelites had to do that day with Samuel, and this is what i have been doing the past few years as well. so i have to tear down the issues i built into my marriage, my wife, my relationships with my parents and friends; i must tear down the battlements i built up in my own heart and mind; my repentance is a one-time turning, yes, but it is also a daily construction assignment.

and now i can say call me ebenezer, for the LORD has made me into a stone that stands and declares His mercy, His kindness, His salvation in a time of need. i’ve still so very much to do; i’ve done a lot of damage. but even though it may hurt some feelings, which i will try and avoid as often as possible, i must stand. i must stand and declare who He is, what He has done, and what we should do. presents are a great way to share the love of Christ this season; but is that what you’re really sharing, or are you merely giving in to “the Christmas spirit,” a euphemism for unbridled consumerism and greed? do your kids equate the number of presents under the tree to the overflowing grace of God in their lives, or is it a chance to judge how much you supposedly love them? did you buy your parents a gift as an homage to the place of honor they hold in your heart and mind, or are you simply wanting to avoid disappointing them by not buying them something? i’m not trying to condemn my family, my friends, or even my own country, all of which i love; but i am standing up and pointing to Him. do not forget Him. it is trite to merely say He is the reason for the season; He’s so much more! He’s the reason for living, the reason for existing; He’s the reason. period. honestly, that’s all i really had to say from the beginning, i just get a little carried away sometimes. sorry about that.