consistency
people keep asking me how do i like my job. mind you, this is a job i have not because i want it, but because i need it to help provide for my family. let’s get this straight: there is no universe where a man with a medical doctorate and master’s degree to boot is both sane and content serving tables in a cowboy themed restaurant blasting country music and wearing jeans and a t-shirt. when people ask me if i like the job i want to be honest and be like “no, no i do not like the job, but it doesn’t really matter if i like it or not. all that matters is if i’m doing my job.” but people are really asking another question, so i answer what they are asking. they’re asking if they can hold their head up high when they go home, if their job working in a restaurant makes them less important than people with degrees and so-called professions, if i see them as beneath me and in my way, if my view from atop the academic food chain affords me some opinion of their petty lives that renders their existence futile… they say one thing with their lips, but their eyes, their hearts shout all the louder “kamarr! please tell me i matter, please say that i’m not wasting my life with a dumb job that’s going nowhere!” this journey i’m on is a weeding out process; there are attributes i possess which need to go away to be sure, but there are others which need growth, refining, expansion; as chaff is winnowed away the treasure needs to fill the void. one good attribute i have cultivated over the years is my truly universal opinion of people. big people, little people, old people, young people, sick people, well people… people are people to me, and i have yet to meet a people that i truly want to hurt. oh sure, i get mad and want to “get even” as it were, but this sensation is fleeting at best, quickly dispelled should the opportunity actually arise. an example: my wife and i were most likely conned out of a couple hundred bucks soon after moving to Kentucky, buying a washer and dryer that were supposed to “work great” while in actuality i have taken the washer apart at least 4 times in two weeks and replaced three parts before just calling it quits and buying a new one. i was going to call the lady and tell her how messed up it was that she would sell us an obviously bad washer (i’ve taken it apart enough to see that someone essentially fixed a few bits so that it would run good enough to dump it on someone else rather than fix it properly), and worse yet to tell me how happy she was to see it would go to a good home with kids with her son in tow; but i never called. why? because kamarr is nothing if not consistent. i don’t hurt people, i help people. i don’t lie to them, but i am talented with words, and can tell them the truth any number of ways. no matter what job i find myself in, i can’t help but be me. i’ve had problems with this in the past, conforming to my peers and taking on some bad habits along the way, but i’ve grown too old for that mess. i can’t be bothered with changing all the time anymore, i’m too old for that (i know, 32 may not be that old, but compared to 22 it is, so there!). that consistency was important tonight at work. up until now i had only worked the morning/afternoon shifts serving tables. the tips aren’t as good in general, but the people, and by that i mean the other waiters, are waaay nicer. it was tough for me tonight, dealing with harsh people and harsher words. i’m a tough guy, able to handle a lot, but my resiliency doesn’t mean i’m not sensitive; in fact, i’m the really unfortunate combination of being both easily hurt and also extremely tolerant of pain, so i’m nearly always hurting, but i’m just as likely enduring rather than complaining. i did break from this tradition a little to let my friend and manager know that i was taken aback by just how much less courteous the nights were than the days, to which they agreed and noted that that’s “just the way it is in the restaurant business.” but i’m consistent, and i refused to be mean and selfish regardless of what world i now found myself in. a real gentleman should possess fortitude of spirit to persevere in the situation without losing oneself, and i hope to be a gentleman when i grow up. so i spoke kind words to all, standing up for myself to the bullies in the room, but not succumbing to their base words and actions. by the end of the night i had won a few new friends, people who never really gave in to the mean spirit in their interactions with me, but obviously had grown calloused over the years, and enjoyed shedding a few layers of armor with me. as i’m learning to enjoy helping people, not for monetary gain or personal betterment but sheerly for the joy of having helped a fellow image bearer of God, i am especially noting how powerful a helpful, servant minded heart can be in the world. people come after you, rather you’re doing good or bad doesn‘t really matter, enemies will arise sometimes out of nowhere, that’s just life. but i recall a quote i once heard from Abraham Lincoln that went something like this: “i destroy my enemies; i make them my friends.” now, not everyone is my friend in the end, but i still destroy my opposition; i make them my equal. i have found that in my life people come against me either because they think they are better than me, or because they fear that i am better than them. but when i humbly serve, they can’t continue to feel like i think of myself as better than them; and in time, i change their heart towards me. those who think they’re better than me likewise change their opinion; it’s only a matter of time before it becomes obvious that one cannot continually serve, with strength, willingly, and in actuality be weak; no, only strong people can endure under such conditions. don’t get me wrong, i know i won’t win everyone over, but i’m also learning that my opinion of victory has always been right; i never cared for winning, and it turns out that in the real world winning really doesn’t matter. all that matters is consistency; all that matters is were you indeed able to live a life of integrity, a life that stood up to the onslaught of life and did not bend, did not submit, but instead, like the original Ebenezer, stood as a declaration for all to see. when they ask me if i like the job so far, i tell them the truth: i’ve had better jobs, and i’ve had worse jobs, but this one is good so far. what i want them to know is that there is not a person in this world who is better than them merely because of vocation. i want them to know that i don’t see my working side by side with them as some sort of shameful punishment, but a moment in my journey as relevant and useful as learning to operate on human hearts and delivering babies. i want them to know that it is God who decides what job i work, when and where, and if He sends me to wait on tables, the same One who sent me to replace catheters and remove tumors, then their station in life is no less important. this journey i’m on has tough spots, and i do not like working with mean people, regardless of where it happens to be; but this process of eroding away the waste from my heart is a good one, and i am grateful for having the privilege of experiencing this process with this group of people working these jobs. of course, i say that now, sitting at my desk in my home, sipping a beer and listening to some acoustic guitar; we’ll see how i feel tomorrow night when i’m up to my neck in yet another night shift.
