Draco Dormiens Titillandus

Your daily dose of the Harry Potter Funnies - the finest hilarious passages from the Harry Potter books

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“We've got it [Percy's Head Boy badge]," Fred whispered to Harry. "We're improving it." The badge now read Bighead Boy.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

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"I'm not going to be murdered," Harry said out loud. "That's the spirit, dear," said his mirror sleepily.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

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"Lockhart'll sign anything if it stands still long enough," said Ron.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

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"Well, you're expelling us, aren't you?" said Ron. "Not today, Mr. Weasley." [said Professor McGonagall] Snape looked as though Christmas had been cancelled.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of the Secrets

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"Well...when we were in our first year, Harry-young, carefree, and innocent-" Harry snorted. He doubted whether Fred and George had ever been innocent.

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"This is your copy of Advanced Potion-Making, is it, Potter?" "Yes," said Harry, still breathing hard. "You're quite sure of that, are you, Potter?" "Yes," said Harry, with a touch of more defiance. "This is the the copy of Advanced Potion-Making that you purchased from Flourish and Blotts?" "Yes," said Harry firmly. "Then why," asked Snape, "does it have the name 'Roonil Wazlib' written inside the front cover?"

- Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, Chapter 24: Sectumsempra

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"I was awake half the night thinking it all over, and I believe it's a plot to get the house." “"The house?”" repeated Harry. "What house?" "This house!" shrieked Uncle Vernon, the vein in his forehead starting to pulse. "Our house! House prices are skyrocketing around here! You want us out of the way and then you'’re going to do a bit of hocus-pocus and before we know it the deeds will be in your name and“--" "Are you out of your mind?”" demanded Harry. "A plot to get this house? Are you actually as stupid as you look?”"

- Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Chapter 3: The Dursleys Departing

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They were almost at King's Cross when Harry remembered something. "Ginny--what did you see Percy doing, that he didn't want you to tell anyone?" "Oh that," said Ginny, giggling. "Well--Percy's got a girlfriend." Fred dropped a stack of books on George's head. "What?" "It's that Ravenclaw prefect, Penelope Clearwater," said Ginny. "That's who he was writing to all last summer. He's been meeting her all over the school in secret. I walked in on them kissing in an empty classroom one day. He was so upest when she was--you know--attacked. You won't tease him, will you?" she added anxiously. "Wouldn't dream of it," said Fred, who was looking like his birthday had come early. "Definitely not," said George, sniggering.

- Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Chapter 18: Dobby's Reward

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"I doubt it will make much of a difference," said Professor McGonagall coldly, "unless a mad axe-man is waiting outside the doors to slaughter the first into the entrance hall."

- Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Chapter 11: The Firebolt

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Lee Jordan was finding it difficult not to take sides. "So-after that obvious and disgusting bit of cheating-" "Jordan!" growled Professor McGonagall. "I mean, after that open and revolting foul-" "Jordan, I'm warning you-" "All right, all right. Flint nearly kills the Gryffindor Seeker, which could happen to anyone, I'm sure..."

- Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, Chapter 11: Quidditch

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"I could've taken those mer-idiots any time I wanted." [said Ron] "What were you going to do, snore at them?" said Hermione waspishly.

- Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Chapter 27: Padfoot Returns

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By the time Ernie MacMillan, Hannah Abbott, Susan Bones, Justin Finch-Fletchley, Anthony Goldstein, and Terry Boot had finished using a wide variety of the hexes and jinxes Harry had taught them, Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle resembled nothing so much as three gigantic slugs squeezed into Hogwarts uniforms as Harry, Ernie and Justin hoisted them into the luggage rack and left them there to ooze. "I must say, I'm looking forward to seeing Malfoy's mother's face when he gets off the train," said Ernie with satisfaction. "Goyle's mum'll be really pleased, though," said Ron. "He's loads better looking now."

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

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"Er -- thanks very much, Ernie," said Harry, taken aback. Ernie might be pompous on occaisons like these, but Harry was in a mood to deeply appreciate a vote of confidence from somebody who was not wearing radishes in their ears.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

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"Who's Kreacher?" "The house-elf who lives here," said Ron. "Nutter. Never met one like him." "He is not a nutter," said Hermione. "His life's ambition is to have his head cut off and stuck up on a plaque like his mother," said Ron. "Is that normal, Hermione?"

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

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"Ah, well, people can be stupid abou' their pets," [said Hagrid].

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

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Ron was staring at Pettigrew with the utmost revulsion. "I let you sleep in my bed!" he said.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

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"That'll change the world, that report will," said Ron [to Percy]. "Front page of the Daily Prophet, I expect, cauldron leaks."

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix