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@thehollanovcondo
This is my heated rivalry side blog. Main is @whatsthelimitoncharacters. Basically, I didnât want to subject my mutuals to my heated rivalry reblogs (one of themâs in the hockey fandom) so I did a bunch of likes and that was 526 in a week. So I decided that a side blog was probably the better option than flooding my mutuals dashboards. Blog is named after the sex building that Shane bought (obviously) because itâs really just an insane thing that happened.
it's EXTREMELY brief, but ilya's "âïžnot montreal" cracks me up
âïž don't get it twisted, hollander âïž
your team is still terrible
I have been in multiple situations where a friend group I'm not so familiar with starts making jokes about being into weirdo pervert stuff and there is a slight edge of competition to who is The Most Freakish I know for a goddamn fact that I have everyone beat in the pervert department but I can't say anything because they're probably just talking about light BDSM at most and I like things that are complete social suicide in 90% of spaces
like oh when you like puppyplay and choking its subversive and edgy but when I talk about getting my sexual awakening at 8 years old from the really fucking weird plant vore sequence in the third ice age movie it's WEIRD and EMBARRASSING i see how it is,
oh so this post stops getting notes when I make that addition, i see how it is,
I adore that in the hospital Shane's heart rate goes down instead of up when he sees Ilya. I know a racing heart is common around someone you're attracted to but the lower bpm reads as him feeling so comfortable and safe that even his perpetually active sympathetic nervous system calms tf down. And this is when he's actively concussed with a broken bone btw!!! Holding Ilya's hand physically reduces Shane's stress so much his heart rate drops 20bpm and his oxygen saturation goes to 100%. That's insane. Forget whatever medications they had him on Ilya is his drug of choice for sure
out and married hollanov having drinks at a non-hockey friend's house. maybe shane's old stylist who he really got along with and then her friend group absorbed him, which in turn meant they absorbed ilya.
anyway they're all sitting around a fire pit having cunty little cocktails or smth and just enough has been consumed that the convo turns scandalous. someone (we'll say his stylist) is waxing poetic about her gorgeous new fwb and their equally gorgeous friend and says "that's a sandwich i'd love to be the jelly in."
and shane - tipsy but ever present - his ears sort of perk up puppy style across the fire like, "sandwich...?"
which inspires this whole conversation about handsy threesomes. and shane's gonna be honest, in theory that sounds hot. he's had his fair share of late-night jerk offs around the idea, don't get him wrong. but he's got ilya locked down - he's not sniffing around for a third. the concept, however...the physical sensation of being caught between two hot sweaty dudes? yeah that's juuuust enough to get him zoning out into the fire, tipsy mind having a field day filled with sweaty muscles and tight, delicious pressure crowding him in on all sides.
ilya recognizes this look in an instant, of course. he's sitting right next to him after all. "making your imaginary sandwich in front of your husband..." he tsks, but it's all in good fun. he's obviously very interested, just like everyone else who has tuned into the convo because shane's kinda-
"panini..."
"what?"
"meat in a panini," he drowsily explains, in what he thinks is a perfect and impressively cohesive explanation of the image in his head right now. "absolutely fuckin' crushed..."
ilya can't even pretend to be surprised because he knows his man. and his needs. and his frequent desires to be smashed into oblivion under ilya's full weight. not even fucking him, most times. just squeezing him. pressure for pressure's sake. "ah... of course." this makes perfect sense. even if the rest of the group doesn't seem to be following. "and who is bread for your meat, my panini?"
that gets a couple giggles, but shane is fucking locked in, brother. like he's making plans already. "well you, obviously."
"obviously." okay thank god. "and who else?" he's reaching out to run his fingers through the back of his husband's hair while he speaks. "who will help me keep you still? maybe bood would if we-"
"marleau."
ilya pauses. blinks. "what?"
"cliff marleau," shane says. as if ilya is seeking clarification on which marleau is being discussed and like-...
ilya tilts his head and it's a little judgy. he knows. like the careful tone he carries with what he says next but like...hello? "sweetheart, cliff marleau fractured your collarbone and put you in hospital..."
and shane, god love him, he's just sitting there with this dreamy, almost blissed out haze over his eyes as his mind wanders. "exaaactly..."
Headcanon that Shane doesnât drink just because of his diet, but because heâs absolutely terrified he will tell everyone how much he misses Ilya Rozanov and how good a kisser Ilya Rozanov is and how much of a sex god Ilya Rozanov is and how amazing at giving head Ilya Rozanov is and how much Shane loves giving Ilya Rozanov head and how much he loves having Ilya Rozanovâs giant cock inside him and how he can let down his guard with Ilya Rozanov and just how much heâs in love with Ilya Rozanov.
two absolutely hilarious conclusions i instantly drew from this:
1. the only person shane lets himself drink with is therefore, obviously, rose. and only in the safety of either of their apartments. they get wine drunk one night and he tells her SO much more detail than âi kinda prefer being the hole rather than the pegâ and rose is FLOORED and obsessed. tell me more immediately
2. once shane is on the cens and finally #healing from his internalized homophobia and the trauma of his outing and has done some work grappling with the intersection with his racial identity etc etc (therapy amirite) he Also lets himself drink at one of boodâs bbqs. everyone learns So Much that night.
the ottawags are delighted. dykstra and chouinard are learning So Much tonight, mostly against their will, but hey, dykstra is a goddamn ally so heâs not going anywhere and choui just loves Love too much to bail (sue him, he and selena are high school sweethearts). bood is ecstatic and clutching his own hands to his chest, tears in his eyes with pride that his work wife ilya rozanov is every inch (hah) the legend he knew in his heart ilya would be. wyatt is fascinated and curious and has about 100 different technical/logistical questions which shane is all too happy to answer. troyâs Stunned (and has to admit to himself he never could have handled All Of That). harris and a plastered-luca chime in every now and then with âyeah i totally get itâ âoh for SUREâ âmhm mhmmmmmâ like shaneâs own little horny greek chorus, as the rest of the babies (lapointe/holmberg/young) all are equal parts more turned on than they ever thought they could be (hm. much to think about) and also in full hero worship mode because damn shane hollander was already the best of the best and what do you mean heâs putting up points like that when he also takes THAT every night (and sometimes in the morning too??)
ilya comes back from a quick trip inside to help cassie carry some plates into the kitchen only to find shane holding court in the middle of the backyard, yapping at 300 km/h with the kind of speed clarity and precision he only gives his special interests (sex and hockey) and just stands there, jaw on the floor, as shane goes âno, the thing you have to understand is that girth matters. like REALLY matters. because like, iâm not trying to get fucked by a pencil, yknow? so itâs not just that heâs got all nine of the inches he never shuts up about but dude, heâs so thick. sooooo thick god the stretch is incredible. and when heâs got that itâs like, thereâs basically no position or angle from which he canât get my prostate, so itâs just blindingly good all the time. yeah i mean i came dry last night at the end bc by orgasm four i had nothing left and i probably saw godâ
someone sees ilya over shaneâs shoulder and starts wolf whistling, so shane turns around and at first his reaction is what it always is when he sees ilya - that sweet joy of just spotting him, whether itâs been an hour or a week, whether theyâve been on opposite sides of the continent for foundation business or just opposite sides of the house. but then, he lets out a loud cackle - unrestrained, free, with no attempt to smother it.
âi fuckin told you guys! russians DO blush!â
1x04. the truth of who Shane Hollander is
âsveta, can you please stop showing me photos of my husbandâs calvin klein campaign? i know what he looks likeâ ilya says after the fifth photo svetlana has shown him and svetlana goes âilya youâre so lucky, how do you just wake up to this every day?â and ilya asks âdo you want my man?â and svetlanaâs âyouâre so lucky that shane is gayâ and then a voice comes from the other side going âif shane were bisexual he would be with me to this dayâ and both ilya and svetlana look over at a very smug rose landry who opens the biggest grin on her face and takes a sip of her wine.
the wicked succubus ilya
i have been having Thoughts about the "kennel in the living room but no dog" quote. anya being a fake dog is sooo funny but then i was thinking. what if shane didn't know either.
all i can imagine is shane visiting ilya in ottawa (pretending they actually have a few days together) for the first time in a while and seeing a dog crate with a bed immediately after getting through the front door and going "you got a dog???" very confused and upset and ilya just smiling and replying "yes. very good boy, his name is shane."
and all shane can do is drop to his knees when ilya says "sit."
surprise it's pet play! but ilya secretly priming shane for it. using good boy more often. mentioning wanting to do shane doggy style loudly and obnoxiously every night they're together for months literally fucking shane like "yeah you like doggy huh? good boy" buying shane a thick chain necklace (his very first collar) and telling him good boys need to wear pretty jewelry so everyone knows who they belong to (chain stays ON during doggy). giving shane simple commands. "come here" "stay" "sit" shane doesnt notice he's too busy being eager to please. making little comments like "oh you're so horny what are you going to do hump my slippers like a dog?" "look at you humping the air like a dog"
shane doesnt even notice it. doesnt even realize it until he's in ottawa on his hands and knees barking. it all rushes back to him and he's like 'wtf that asshole made me his dog without me even realizing'
ilya and his silent commands are so buzzy to me... shaking the water bottle, holding his hand out for shanes phone, patting the bed, tapping by his eyes for shane to put his glasses on.... gestures commands for his puppy who doesnt know all the right words yet đ”âđ«
âand then he rode me so good that when i came i almost blacked outâ ilya tells to a rose landry who is grinning hard fully invested in hearing about shane and ilyaâs latest sexcapades then she asks âcan i watch one time?â and ilya gasps offended and says âiâm not letting someone whoâs already fucked my husband watch my husband having sex with meâ and rose already cackling at how easy he is to wind up says âwell iâm running low on shane content to get off to latelyâ and ilya absolutely flabbergasted goes âyou are not getting off to my husband, you canât even look at him anymore. delete every single photo of him from your phone, especially the shirtless onesâ and rose smirks and goes âcanât do, iâm actually scheduled to do a peloton campaign with him next month. heâll be all sweaty and shirtless, itâs gonna be amazingâ she teases him and ilya picks out his phone already dialing and goes âno youâre not, iâm not going to let that happenâ and when the person picks up he goes âmama yuna, cancel shaneâs peloton campaign right nowâ and rose is there full on belly laughing and ilya pauses and ask âwhat, thereâs no campaign? no, donât schedule one then. thanks yuna, iâll explain laterâ and he hangs up and turns to rose who is practically crying with laughter and he just glares and goes âyou fucking little minxâ
From the Hollanderâs photo album đ
Domestic boys!!
Bonus points if you know the oil they use đ
In my beautiful mind after they are outed and married shane is always complaining that he has no phone storage space like heâll say âhold on I gotta delete DoorDashâ why? âMy camera wonât open if I donât free up some spaceâ and Ilya finally is like moya lyubov this is a solvable problem. And he takes Shaneâs phone to check the storage and his photos app is taking up 90% of the space on his phone and Ilya is like okay just delete some pictures. Easy. And Shaneâs like ?? No I need them. âCanât you save them somewhere else?â I mean, Yes, theyâre already saved but I want easy access to them. âWhat do you need easy access to look at all the time.â Donât worry about it âShane.â Donât worry about it!!!!! And thatâs how Ilya finds out Shaneâs âhusband â€ïžâ folder is 25k pictures deep
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HUDSON WILLIAMS Human Nature (2026)
Shane's always known he has a big dick. It's a byproduct of growing up in locker rooms. The snide, "looks like someone's breaking the stereotypes," the, "damn, Hollzy's schlinging," the asides about whether he's a grower or just a shower and the pointed questions of how big it is hard; all of which has to be laughed off; all of which draws more attention to him than he'd prefer. He's heard it all. He wishes he didn't have to deal with it, wishes he was just a bit smaller so that it wouldn't be a whole topic of conversation.
It only gets worse when he and Jessica finally go all the way. He's pretty sure some of the noises she's making are closer to pain than pleasure and it really makes it difficult to stay hard when he's so worried he's hurting her. She tells him she's fine but eventually he just pulls out and goes down on her instead and that's much easier. He's not sure if she's disappointed or not but, a few days later, when she tells him she wants to try again she gets angry when he tells her he'd rather not, and a few days after that she breaks up with him.
It's fine, he tells himself. He liked hanging out with her and all but even just getting a blowjob from her was a stressful experience. Probably because he wasn't sure if she enjoyed it at all. She would sometimes complain about her jaw hurting when it took Shane a little while. And it usually took him a little while. Probably because he was worried about her being in pain, which was a self-fulfilling prophecy. At least he'd lost his virginity. Maybe that would stop the comments about "all that dick going to waste."
It does count as losing your virginity even if you don't finish, right? Not that he's ever going to ask anyone.
He hooks up with a few girls after that. Mostly blowjobs but whatever. It still counts. It's not quite as hard to get out of his head when there's a mouth around him as it is when he actually fucks someone. He never quite gets over the feeling that he may be hurting them and more often than not he can feel himself going soft before he can finish.
Which is why sex with Rozanov is such a relief. It's the only time he's ever been able to truly enjoy penetrative sex because it's the only time he hasn't had to worry that the sheer size of him is causing someone pain. Rozanov's big too - not quite as big as Shane maybe - but that's fine. He enjoys it. Kind of loves it actually. He loves being able to get out of his head and not have to worry. The fact that he can just focus on the sensation and trust Rozanov to take care of it is really liberating and he knows it's not because he's a man or anything. It's just because Shane doesn't have to worry about hurting him. That's all it is.
