eat all the corn dogs

my 'verse sucks. can i crash here?

[shape-shift-and-trick-blog]

okay, murdock i'm still unsure about, but you are DEFINITELY evil. what is peter DOING? listen. i can be very creative under duress. i'm still getting settled into running away from all my problems via universe skip, but peter's peter in any reality, and if you hurt him, i will. i'll. i. i will figure out something truly horrible

Ah, I’m assuming you’re Gwen? Or some version of her, in any case. 

I might not know anything about… your universe, but I don’t doubt you can think up some very exciting ways to hurt me. Although, whether you can actually act on those thoughts is another matter entirely.

But either way, I can assure you from the very evil depths of my heart that I will never hurt Peter. You needn’t worry your darling little head over it. 

[thenewspiderintown]

yeah, it’s actually surprisingly nice to meet you too, despite the fact that i hate being talked down to and it sure looks like that’s, idk, your thing. i am completely adorable, though, so i’ll let the implied condescension slide.

and, uhhhhhh, yeah. i have powers. the same ones peter has in this universe, as i understand it. i probably shouldn’t be admitting that, but the whole secret identity didn’t work out for me so well in my world, so now i’m trying the other thing. if this somehow turns out worse, i’ll go hang with spider-ham or something.

and uh. no. i haven’t, and i’m not so sure he would. ha. i didn’t come here to bother him. it’s pure coincidence that i wound up in one of probably very few worlds where the peter parker is exactly the same as mine in all the ways that matter. except that he got bit by the damn spider instead. and is alive. he seems, you know, happy, so i’ll just do my best to leave him to that. well. aside from giving his current partners the shovel talk, i guess. hey, i’m traumatized! no one can blame me here!

[shape-shift-and-trick-blog]

I’ll Try to rein in the condescension. Possibly. I just can’t help it, I’m sorry.

and dont worry, I won’t inform anyone else of your powers if you dont want me too, I’m not that evil. but I digress.

Your Peter died?? :(

[thenewspiderintown]

well, the effort’s appreciated.

the powers are probably of less consequence than, you know, me being here. i’m not sure what kind of life this world’s gwen stacy led, but i think trying to step straight into her place would probably end poorly. similarly, i probably shouldn’t long so much to recreate my own personal better times, but there’s really only so much that can be done about that. still, maybe i should get a cover story or something. dye my hair or whatever

my peter died. it resulted in my dad threatening me with a gun, lots of people trying to kill me, and me fleeing from my own universe to stop having to hear... what people were saying about it. i wouldn’t recommend it.

[thenewspiderintown]

well, that’d be reassuring, except he was in jail in my ‘verse too. you kinda kept the criminal empire running in his absence. also talked a lot about what a model inmate he was whenever my dad tried to get information from him. you nearly got detective castle fired for roughing him up a few times, which, honestly, i can appreciate, but still. i don’t know if you actually liked the kingpin or just… seized an opportunity. like i said, you didn’t make much sense to me. your smile was a thousand times creepier in my world, though. this one… it could almost be argued that you look cute. way more disarming. as opposed to, you know, hackle-raising. i’m pretty sure you would’ve pulled this face if you could. so, congrats, you look downright cherubic, and i can feel you growing on me despite my stubborn attempts to continue hating you. guess it helps that you don’t really seem to be the same guy at all.

on the other hand, you sound worringly okay with your girlfriend being the anything murder type. not that i can’t understand making some compromises to keep her around

[theguardiandevil]

I’ve been told that I have that effect on people, it’s part of my charm. This alternate universe Matt Murdock has tarnished that legacy… and sounds all around bad in general. Is everything in your universe unsatisfactory? I hope this one is more to your liking. 

[thenewspiderintown]

for the most part, definitely. there’s one thing that kind of sucks, but it’s not like any universe really can be perfect. also, from the research i’ve done in the past few hours, you and i have a weird amount in common, career-wise. lotsa people wanted your head, huh? maybe you can help me steer clear of the pitchforks, this time around

[thenewspiderintown]

you crashed with me for five weeks before you reevaluated your choices and decided that the best way to rebel against your dad was to spend all his money. i had to learn how to make food that didn’t offend your trust fund baby sensibilities on the budget you get from having three people to feed on one cop’s salary, with the occasional revenue from my band’s itunes sales, after the 9 cents we got per song was split four ways and all recording and equipment costs were handled. i slept on the couch. for five weeks. you actually dropped out of college halfway through second semester. which would have been fine, if you hadn’t done it with those incredible osborn-patented bridge-burning techniques, and then very quickly changed your mind. when you changed your mind, i had to beg every faculty member i knew to help get you readmitted because apparently you pissed off the provost so much that you couldn’t even buy your way back in later without a smattering of gen ed professors and two-thirds of the biochem department, including the dean, threatening to dissent for you. you weren’t even a biochem major! before we got you back into your absurdly expensive shoes and on your prettily pedicured feet, my dad was threatening to kick us both out. i sure hope we were friends, harry.

[thinkingbigandcatchingspiders]

wow, what a stunning summary. 

in this universe, we ran into each other in an elevator for about three minutes once. it’s a bit lackluster in comparison. 

[thenewspiderintown]

well. that’s just sad.

uh.

if i were to find myself on my way to your. place of residence. via spider skills. upon arrival, could i borrow a cup of sugar or whatever that cliche is?

but also some eggs and cream and vanilla and your kitchen and the associated appliances

you can say no, but it might be fun or something

[thenewspiderintown]

[thinkingbigandcatchingspiders]

i wasn’t apologizing and i wasn’t looking for forgiveness but don’t presume that i’m underestimating the severity of this situation. an apology would have little meaning here. i killed a version of you, words won’t make that better. 

so instead, i offer you a promise. to make it up to you, to do better, to not hurt you or peter again. 

[thenewspiderintown]

well. yeah. i mean. of course. words can’t make that better. alt-self... death... causing... um. nothing can make that better. it’s not like any of us knew we’d have a chance to ever offer any more words, after all. when we--you. made those choices. a version of me. a version that was loved, and had its own value, a version that at once can and can’t be replaced--she’s dead now. and she’s not coming back.

but just because you can’t change what happened, or really make it better in any meaningful way, doesn’t mean i don’t... want to forgive you. others might--probably would--feel differently. and the hurt i feel at knowing a version of you would kill a version of me, that’s not the same as being the version of me that got killed. but don’t you presume to decide my response to an apology before i’ve heard it.

and. i think i’m big enough to admit that i owe you an apology too. or the other you. my world’s harry. you, this version of you, couldn’t even know what i’m apologizing for.

...sorry anyway.

the promise, though, that... nice as it is, that... sounds hard to keep.

[theguardiandevil]

so i take you're, y'know, less evil 'round these parts? god, i hope you're less evil. i mean, you're dating peter. an alternate universe's hopefully-less-evil matt murdock is dating my thankfully-less-dead best-friend-once-boyfriend. and a blue woman is involved. i think i need a minute

Take as many minutes as you need. What happened to Peter in your universe?

Also, I try to be the least evil as I can. I’ll vouch for Mystique as well; while she doesn’t have the same philosophy, the closest she’s gotten to harming us was some particularly burnt toast one morning.

[thenewspiderintown]

be the least evil you can? good to hear. i’m still gonna be keeping an eye on you though, dude. sorry, that might be harsh, i guess, you actually seem pretty okay–never thought the day would come where i’d find matthew murdock’s smile charming–but another version of you tried to have my dad killed, and that’s kind of a tough thing to get over. apparently you thought it’d make me–spiderwoman!me, not my-dad’s-kid!me–like you or something? or your boss or client or puppet or whatever the hell fisk was to you. i don’t know. i never understood you, man.

and yeah, mystique seems kind of awesome, in a supervillain way. actually, just in a person way. i was in an all-girl punk band; it’s practically a rule that you gotta respect any lady with style like that. still, i’d rather not see her kill anybody. that’d make me feel all conflicted and totally kill my buzz.

[theguardiandevil]

I’m the one who needs a minute, now. I don’t like the sound of an alternative version of myself working alongside someone like Fisk. I understand your suspicion, then. In any case, this universe’s Fisk is currently in jail and the two of us do not see eye to eye.

Mystique isn’t the senseless murder type, at least. Not while I’ve known her, anyway. 

[thenewspiderintown]

well, that’d be reassuring, except he was in jail in my ‘verse too. you kinda kept the criminal empire running in his absence. also talked a lot about what a model inmate he was whenever my dad tried to get information from him. you nearly got detective castle fired for roughing him up a few times, which, honestly, i can appreciate, but still. i don’t know if you actually liked the kingpin or just... seized an opportunity. like i said, you didn’t make much sense to me. your smile was a thousand times creepier in my world, though. this one... it could almost be argued that you look cute. way more disarming. as opposed to, you know, hackle-raising. i’m pretty sure you would’ve pulled this face if you could. so, congrats, you look downright cherubic, and i can feel you growing on me despite my stubborn attempts to continue hating you. guess it helps that you don’t really seem to be the same guy at all.

on the other hand, you sound worringly okay with your girlfriend being the anything murder type. not that i can’t understand making some compromises to keep her around

[thenewspiderintown]

shape-shift-and-trick replied to your photo:thinkingbigandcatchingspiders i google myself, and…

uh oh

i’m not completely sure what you’re implying here, but, in the event that that’s an “oh no harry’s not going to stand for this” sort of uh oh, you should know that in no universe will i ever be afraid of harry osborn

[thinkingbigandcatchingspiders]

#do you know how many sunglasses i helped him pick out? A LOT#i can’t believe he fucking killed me#I SEE WHAT OUR FRIENDSHIP MEANT TO YOU#GOOD TO KNOW THE TRUTH#even if this isn’t the same universe. some things transcend spacetime you little shit

we were friends in your universe?

[thenewspiderintown]

you crashed with me for five weeks before you reevaluated your choices and decided that the best way to rebel against your dad was to spend all his money. i had to learn how to make food that didn’t offend your trust fund baby sensibilities on the budget you get from having three people to feed on one cop’s salary, with the occasional revenue from my band’s itunes sales, after the 9 cents we got per song was split four ways and all recording and equipment costs were handled. i slept on the couch. for five weeks. you actually dropped out of college halfway through second semester. which would have been fine, if you hadn’t done it with those incredible osborn-patented bridge-burning techniques, and then very quickly changed your mind. when you changed your mind, i had to beg every faculty member i knew to help get you readmitted because apparently you pissed off the provost so much that you couldn’t even buy your way back in later without a smattering of gen ed professors and two-thirds of the biochem department, including the dean, threatening to dissent for you. you weren’t even a biochem major! before we got you back into your absurdly expensive shoes and on your prettily pedicured feet, my dad was threatening to kick us both out. i sure hope we were friends, harry.

[thenewspiderintown]

thinkingbigandcatchingspiders i google myself, and this is what i find? i knew i died, and the obits were all pretty nice, but i didn’t know that you killed me harry you asshole

[thinkingbigandcatchingspiders]

yes, bad decisions were made, no arguments there.

[thenewspiderintown]

i’m really overwhelmed by your apology, osborn. i might be tearing up? honestly, i think i am. i’m crying. your sincere, heartfelt, conscientious apology has just. moved me. all hard feelings are gone, just like that. the sins of your past are washed away by the salty rivulets of my tears, which are falling from my eyes, because i am just so touched by your words here.

really, harry, you killed me, and i don’t even get a sorry? i think that’s pretty much Making Amends And Expressing Remorse 101. clearly the gwen stacy of this world had a lot of work yet to do with you. unfortunate, how that murder thing had to happen before any real progress could be made.

i get that you suck at this, but i know what a fast learner you are, so try a little harder

[theguardiandevil]

so i take you're, y'know, less evil 'round these parts? god, i hope you're less evil. i mean, you're dating peter. an alternate universe's hopefully-less-evil matt murdock is dating my thankfully-less-dead best-friend-once-boyfriend. and a blue woman is involved. i think i need a minute

Take as many minutes as you need. What happened to Peter in your universe?

Also, I try to be the least evil as I can. I’ll vouch for Mystique as well; while she doesn’t have the same philosophy, the closest she’s gotten to harming us was some particularly burnt toast one morning.

[thenewspiderintown]

be the least evil you can? good to hear. i’m still gonna be keeping an eye on you though, dude. sorry, that might be harsh, i guess, you actually seem pretty okay--never thought the day would come where i’d find matthew murdock’s smile charming--but another version of you tried to have my dad killed, and that’s kind of a tough thing to get over. apparently you thought it’d make me--spiderwoman!me, not my-dad’s-kid!me--like you or something? or your boss or client or puppet or whatever the hell fisk was to you. i don’t know. i never understood you, man.

and yeah, mystique seems kind of awesome, in a supervillain way. actually, just in a person way. i was in an all-girl punk band; it’s practically a rule that you gotta respect any lady with style like that. still, i’d rather not see her kill anybody. that’d make me feel all conflicted and totally kill my buzz.

[shape-shift-and-trick-blog]

okay, murdock i'm still unsure about, but you are DEFINITELY evil. what is peter DOING? listen. i can be very creative under duress. i'm still getting settled into running away from all my problems via universe skip, but peter's peter in any reality, and if you hurt him, i will. i'll. i. i will figure out something truly horrible

Ah, I’m assuming you’re Gwen? Or some version of her, in any case. 

I might not know anything about… your universe, but I don’t doubt you can think up some very exciting ways to hurt me. Although, whether you can actually act on those thoughts is another matter entirely.

But either way, I can assure you from the very evil depths of my heart that I will never hurt Peter. You needn’t worry your darling little head over it. 

[thenewspiderintown]

what makes you think i can’t act on my genius and injurious plans? i will have you know that my skills are not limited to wall-crawling and web-slinging, the way many people seem to think. like. i don’t know. you seem pretty good at this villain thing. but i’d at least get in a few good punches, all schemes aside. come on.

…i guess we don’t really need to go there right now, though. or ever, maybe. if you, you know, really do mean well. towards peter. i guess. i appreciate that.

[thenewspiderintown]

oh, and yeah. gwen. the spidery one.

[shape-shift-and-trick-blog]

Oh, you really are so adorable. It’s lovely to meet you Gwen.

 I trust those punches would hurt very much, you seem more than capable of a good fight. Speaking of which; you have powers, too? Now that is interesting. From what I’ve heard our Gwen never did. 

Not that Peter ever talks of her much. Have you spoken to him yet? I imagine he’d appreciate the visit.

[thenewspiderintown]

yeah, it’s actually surprisingly nice to meet you too, despite the fact that i hate being talked down to and it sure looks like that’s, idk, your thing. i am completely adorable, though, so i’ll let the implied condescension slide.

and, uhhhhhh, yeah. i have powers. the same ones peter has in this universe, as i understand it. i probably shouldn’t be admitting that, but the whole secret identity didn’t work out for me so well in my world, so now i’m trying the other thing. if this somehow turns out worse, i’ll go hang with spider-ham or something.

and uh. no. i haven’t, and i’m not so sure he would. ha. i didn’t come here to bother him. it’s pure coincidence that i wound up in one of probably very few worlds where the peter parker is exactly the same as mine in all the ways that matter. except that he got bit by the damn spider instead. and is alive. he seems, you know, happy, so i’ll just do my best to leave him to that. well. aside from giving his current partners the shovel talk, i guess. hey, i’m traumatized! no one can blame me here!

[thenewspiderintown]

shape-shift-and-trick replied to your photo:thinkingbigandcatchingspiders i google myself, and…

uh oh

i’m not completely sure what you’re implying here, but, in the event that that’s an “oh no harry’s not going to stand for this” sort of uh oh, you should know that in no universe will i ever be afraid of harry osborn

[shape-shift-and-trick-blog]

Oh no, I was implying nothing of the sort. It was more of an “Uh oh, my partner in crime is going to get their ass kicked”. 

[thenewspiderintown]

oh. well. yeah. that’s correct.

[thenewspiderintown]

shape-shift-and-trick replied to your photo:thinkingbigandcatchingspiders i google myself, and...

uh oh

i’m not completely sure what you’re implying here, but, in the event that that’s an “oh no harry’s not going to stand for this” sort of uh oh, you should know that in no universe will i ever be afraid of harry osborn

[thenewspiderintown]

spider-woman. spider-gwen. gwen. gwendy. gwendolyne. gwendolyne stacy.

[shape-shift-and-trick-blog]

okay, murdock i'm still unsure about, but you are DEFINITELY evil. what is peter DOING? listen. i can be very creative under duress. i'm still getting settled into running away from all my problems via universe skip, but peter's peter in any reality, and if you hurt him, i will. i'll. i. i will figure out something truly horrible

Ah, I’m assuming you’re Gwen? Or some version of her, in any case. 

I might not know anything about… your universe, but I don’t doubt you can think up some very exciting ways to hurt me. Although, whether you can actually act on those thoughts is another matter entirely.

But either way, I can assure you from the very evil depths of my heart that I will never hurt Peter. You needn’t worry your darling little head over it. 

[thenewspiderintown]

what makes you think i can’t act on my genius and injurious plans? i will have you know that my skills are not limited to wall-crawling and web-slinging, the way many people seem to think. like. i don’t know. you seem pretty good at this villain thing. but i’d at least get in a few good punches, all schemes aside. come on.

…i guess we don’t really need to go there right now, though. or ever, maybe. if you, you know, really do mean well. towards peter. i guess. i appreciate that.

[thenewspiderintown]

oh, and yeah. gwen. the spidery one.

[shape-shift-and-trick-blog]

okay, murdock i'm still unsure about, but you are DEFINITELY evil. what is peter DOING? listen. i can be very creative under duress. i'm still getting settled into running away from all my problems via universe skip, but peter's peter in any reality, and if you hurt him, i will. i'll. i. i will figure out something truly horrible

Ah, I’m assuming you’re Gwen? Or some version of her, in any case. 

I might not know anything about… your universe, but I don’t doubt you can think up some very exciting ways to hurt me. Although, whether you can actually act on those thoughts is another matter entirely.

But either way, I can assure you from the very evil depths of my heart that I will never hurt Peter. You needn’t worry your darling little head over it. 

[thenewspiderintown]

what makes you think i can’t act on my genius and injurious plans? i will have you know that my skills are not limited to wall-crawling and web-slinging, the way many people seem to think. like. i don’t know. you seem pretty good at this villain thing. but i’d at least get in a few good punches, all schemes aside. come on.

...i guess we don’t really need to go there right now, though. or ever, maybe. if you, you know, really do mean well. towards peter. i guess. i appreciate that.

[thenewspiderintown]

thinkingbigandcatchingspiders i google myself, and this is what i find? i knew i died, and the obits were all pretty nice, but i didn’t know that you killed me harry you asshole