The O&R Exchange

"O" is a hot Russian chick who speaks 3 languages, drives a sports car, wears 5 inch heels and hates almost everyone. "R" is an Irish dude who used to play guitar in a band and now plays a lot of video games and would be half decent looking if he actually gave a shit. They work together for a company where they are both the minority, because they are white, do not hold Masters Degrees, and do not have a great love for curry. They used to hate each other until one day they got trashed together at an End Users' Conference and spent the better part of a night in a hotel video arcade. Turns out they have a lot in common. These are their random conversations.

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Women's Rights? Sure... A right to be in the kitchen!

O: I marked the Paul Ryan ad as "Sexually Explicit"!

R: It's his eyes, I feel like he's undressing me.

O: RIGHT! And then telling me that I MUST have babies!

R: Especially rape babies!

O: Because apparently not all rape is legitimate...

R: Nope and ya'll can shut down the reproductive process if it is!

O: I KNOW! Magic vagina! All this time I have been taking the pill, when all I really needed to do was pretend I was getting raped!! I could have saved SOOO much money on my dirty whore pills!!

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Not before he has his coffee!!

R: Standing in Dunkin Donuts next to a group of dudes in mirrored shades dancing and whistling house music......all I could do is just shake my head sadly and think...douchebags...

O: How the hell does one whistle house music??

R: douchebag-ily!

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O doesn't take "No" for an answer!

O: you, me, dinner, this evening!

R: Can't, I already made plans for game 6 of the playoffs with the Celtics

O: You suck! Big giant penis!!

R: That is a disgusting, and disturbing mental image and not at all appealing on my end

O: Well that's what you get for making plans and not being my dinner friend!

R: Wow...you make it sound so horrible

O: I hope you dream of that tonight!

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It's a girl thing!!

O: So, I think when a transvestite emails you on a dating website, it's time to call it quits...

R: Seriously??? Wow. Like female to male??

O: Male to female wanting to be my friend LOL

R: Hmmm, well, you can cross that off your "Awkward Moments to Get Out of The Way" list

O: Apparently something about me makes a dude who dresses like a chick think that we would be cool like that.

R: I bet it's the shoes!

R: So wait, he just dresses like a chick, but still hasn't had the johnson tuck done?

O: Right! And does not intend to.

R: You never know, you two might hit it off. Ask him if he likes leopard print.

O: Bite me!

R: Shoe shopping, comparing dresses, bikini waxing preferences...

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Know your limitations

O: Hey, just copied you on an email. I put together detailed step by step instruction on what's going on with that laptop and what she will need to do when she gets it.

R: I really don't think you can give someone instructions on how NOT to be a dumbass!

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O is on her way to Vegas...

O: Yep, just got so pissed off at the pat down that I full on flashed the TSA bitch!

R: Epic!

O: I have a very low cut shirt on, so I just pulled it all the way down showing her LOOK, it's a freakin' bra with a pendant!!

O: There is also a chance that I still reek of booze and weed from last night which makes it that much better.

R: Awesome! lol my favorite fragrance!

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It's about a service to the public...

O: Someone needs to tell this Indian med student who just emailed me on POF that he is not "Caucasian"

R: You should totally be that person. Earn some points for helping that troubled young man with his very serious Ethnic Confusion Disorder. "Sir, you are not caucasian; you got the Asian part right, but you are definitely missing the "Cauc" part."

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Sexual harassment anyone?

Office setting, cube farm. R picks up a Nerf dart, licks it, and attempts to stick it to O's forehead. She bats it away with her hand.

O: EEEEWWW!! NASTY!! DID YOU JUST LICK THAT?? COOTIES!!!

R: Oh relax! You just touched the shaft, NOT the tip!

O: I need an adult...

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R hates office politics

O: Yo! You going to Chicago?

R: Not as far as I know. I think Stan is the defacto show guy. He kissed enough ass, and went golfing enough, or whatever...

O: BAH! Not the intern!! Go get a hair cut, put on some nice pants and a button up shirt and go to White Bob, and tell him you want to go.

R: Unfortunately, the popularity content doesn't seem to work that way. He flat out asked Anne if I had done anything to upset anyone and she couldn't give him an answer.

O: Well, go butter her up! Buy her some flowers... and some doughnuts... and maybe some beer. She looks like someone who would enjoy beer with her doughnuts.

R: If that's what it takes to be part of the Anne club... fuck that! You don't like the way I play in the sandbox, then get the fuck out!!

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Poetry

O: Roses are red. Violets are blue. I hate rhyming. Penis.

R: There once was a man from Nantucket. Aaaah, fuck it! Vagina.

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O is having a rough business trip

O: Where the hell does a girl get some wine around here on a Sunday night after 9PM?

R: Uuuugh, not sure that anything is open around there right now...

O: FUCK!!!

R: Sorry...

O: Curse and you shall receive!! Liquor store right across the street from CVS, SCORE! Now to pick up my steak dinner from Outback. This is my consolation prize for getting molested by TSA earlier today.

R: Ummmm... isn't someone else supposed to buy that for you in hopes they get to grope?

O: The the company is, at least the food. Plus ideally I'd be getting groped by someone with a penis but that didn't exactly pan out either...

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I think you have to be slightly twisted to know who Ron Jeremy is...

Understatement of the day brought to you by R

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A slight YouTube distraction

O: DUDE!! Check out the new My Darkest Days video. It's called "Casual Sex"... it makes "Porn Star Dancing" look PG rated. Oh, and make sure you watch it until the very end.

R: Watching it now...

O: I think the guy with the mohawk is totally hot!

R: WTF?? SERIOUSLY??? HE IS WEARING MORE MAKE UP THAN JOAN RIVERS!!!

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R has family issues

R: Man... I really want to get a dog, but I can't have one at meme's house, but every time I bring up the idea of getting my own place she gives me the SADDEST look, and then I feel bad and reconsider. Ugh!

O: Ouch dude... Catholic guilt FTW!

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It's 4AM. I am in the kitchen making eggs, bacon and toast. Damn you!!! Somehow I am blaming you for this, R!!!

drunk texting O

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Working late...

R: Did you know that last year the Director of HR walked up to me on 4/20 and told me she was surprised to see me in the office that day. WTF? What would make her assume that?

O: Well… It’s not any one thing in particular… you just got that weed smoking swagger about you… you can’t help it. Not a bad thing, it’s just, always there, you know. You walk up and people think “YEP, he smokes!”

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A staple in the world of O&R randomness, and frequently referenced material.